Thoughts about my Dad and depression

My dad is the kind of guy that you can't reason with (to try is akin to smashing your head against a very well built brick wall). Being stubborn is a trait that is elevated almost to an art form in this house. Regardless of what happens, though, I am determined not to follow the pattern as dictated by my fraternal genes (depression has been passed down from my grandmother to my father, and it stops right there!). I point-blank refuse to become a depressive person... I couldn't do that to my mum. We have a tendancy to cling to each other in adverse situations, and without each other we would probably both go insane, LOL!

I also know just how easy it would be to give in... some days I am just so very tired, but I've started blogging and writing a journal and it's really helping me to get the thoughts out and discuss them (just pulling them apart myself is enough, most of the time).

The first time my dad had a nervous breakdown that I can remember (he first did it when I was about six months old) I was totally devastated, my heart literally broke. To see the strong, tough man that I once knew, sitting in a chair and staring at nothing (after being sectioned for trying to commit suicide with an od of sleeping pills) is an image that I can never forget. That was 11 years ago. I was 21, what a welcome to adulthood, lol!

The second time he ended up in hospital was about 4 years ago. Since then he's been "officially" retired and claiming his state pension... and does virtually nothing. Very sad. But then he'll come in to the kitchen, like just now, and you'd think that nothing was the matter... it's baffling, to be honest.

I've learnt to cope, somewhat, by never letting people get in, to never let my guard down, so to speak. It gives the impression that I'm fairly cold and unfeeling, but it's the direct opposite, really. The people that know me fully understand that it's my way of coping so they let it slide. We all have our ways of dealing with things, but after months of crying and moaning I came to the conclusion that all I was doing was upsetting myself even more than dad did. Not very productive, lol.