Why I thoroughly dislike Christmas

It isn't the over commercialization of the holiday. Or the fact that shops will try and beat you into submission by taking one day and throwing it at you in a barrage that lasts for six weeks before it arrives. It is because of an event that happened the day after it occurs.

My beloved maternal grandmother died on December 26th 2006. I adored her and she had lived with my parents and me for over 23 years. It was the first time I had ever lost someone in my family that I was close to, and that I loved deeply. It had, and still has, a profound effect on me. I've been in a state of mourning since that day and I probably always will be. The regrets of all the things I didn't ask or say haunt me and part of me cannot forgive myself for not being there when she died (Mum and I were on our way to collect more clothes and toiletries when we got a call telling us to come back to the hospital as soon as possible... by the time we got back she had slipped away).

The onset of the colder months fills me with dread. The rest of the year I'm ok, I can remember and not get weepy... but the closer it gets to December the more I can feel myself tensing up somehow. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I just can't help it. Believe it or not the new year is the worst. We all used to stay up late to see it in together and a lady up the road always rings a bell to see the old year out and the new year in - Mum and I go outside to listen and when I wish Nana a happy new year I always cry, then I set Mum off and we end up hugging each other and listening to the bell, standing outside in the cold. I just can't seem to help it. It only lasts a minute or two, but losing her still hurts so much. When people say that time heals, it doesn't. Time just moves forward and carries you along with it. You can either allow it to push you forwards or you can fight it and try to cling on to the past for as long as you can... eventually it will sweep you forwards whether you like it or not. We never get over losing people... we just become more and more used to them not being there anymore :0(

As memories fade, the feelings seem to lessen as well and that allows us to cope with everyday life. But the loss is still there, it may be buried deep inside, but it is still there. Maybe not as raw, maybe not as shocking, but still there, waiting for something to trigger it off... a smell, a sound, a look, a time of year... one day it will happen and the grief washes over you again in massive choking waves of pain and heartbreak. Tears flow and nothing you can do will stop them, they have to come out or they will drown you and burst forth when you least expect them to. It makes you want to crawl into bed and squeeze yourself into a tiny ball and you wish for sleep so that for a few short hours you can forget. Upon waking you have a few seconds of exquisite happiness when you are not awake enough to remember... but then you do, and sorrow smashes down upon you like a ton weight and you drag yourself out of bed and try and face the day with a brain full of sadness and a heart full of misery.

I still cling to the few precious things I have that belong to Nana. I cannot let them go as then my final grasp on the physical her will be gone as well. I need them to remind me of happy times; reading her recipes and remembering her baking a cake, seeing her handwriting and recalling watching her write cards and notes to people she loved, wearing her jewellery and feeling as if I have a small piece of her against my skin. I had to dispose of her perfume as it just triggered too much, too often... I was inundated with memories from just one sniff, it was unbearable. I smelled it the other day, whilst packing up the weekly shop in a crowded supermarket and I was momentarily unable to move as I thought she was there, mad I know, but for a nanosecond I had hope that she was, even though I knew she wasn't.

Sometimes I have to marvel that I haven't gone insane. I wonder why I am not in a mental health unit when just typing this entry has me sat here with tears blinding me and loss threatening to overwhelm me again. Maybe it is because I cannot allow it to do that, I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. My needs must be tempered by the fact they rely on me... if I fall apart who will be there for them then? I have to suck it up and only allow myself to let it out when everyone else is asleep... then I can put my needs first and just cry. Just release the pressure once in a while and allow myself to be sad and let my heart break again. Then I can fall into a hopefully restful sleep and maybe by morning my heart will have reassembled itself back together again... not perfect (like a broken vase, mended with glue, is never really the same as it was before it shattered) but passable to any but the most in depth of inspections.

All of this creeps towards me the nearer December comes.

That is why I dislike Christmas.

Long time no blog

I've not been here for a while now and I've got nothing really exciting to say.

Life is ticking along the same as ever really... except that my Nan is now unable to use any of her limbs because she just seemed to give up after her stroke (and it wasn't even a severe stroke as she only really lost her ability to stand at first). Now she will have to go into a care home as she's basically a quadraplegic and can do nothing for herself. I was sad at first, but now at least I won't have to worry about her falling over at home or burning her hand on the oven (like she did once before). She'll be safe and cared for and not many 90 year olds can say that.

Xmas always leaves me feeling a bit sad these days. Part of me misses that excitement that I used to feel, but the bigger part of me just sees this time of year as a time to mourn. It's the seventh anniversary of my beloved Grandmother's death on the 26th December. Time has healed the raw pain but there is still that scar that never properly heals and that sometimes causes me pain when I least expect it. I still miss her so very much, and I can feel the tears forming as I write this. She still had so much left to teach me and when she was here I made no effort to learn... and now it's too late and my opportunities have all gone. If I could pass one piece of advice on to all those that have elders that want to teach you something you're not too keen to learn, it would be this  -  accept the lessons while you have the chance, once the teacher is gone it's too late! Don't let yourself carry regrets from the past because you couldn't be bothered to shut up and listen for once.

Grief is a strange emotion. It strikes at random times. I was laughing earlier and now I feel as if I could howl my eyes out. I'm not a fan of crying as it leaves me feeling drained and exhausted, but sometimes it is the only thing that relieves the pain and tension... like screaming when you're angry eases the rage.

I think the hardest part about this time of year for me is seeing Mum get upset. We're not really an "emotional" family. We rarely cry tears of sadness and me being as soft as velvet under my pretend tough exterior means that when I see my parents cry I burst into tears myself. I try and be strong but sometimes I just can't be.

I need to stop writing or else I shall just break down.

Just under an hour until we kiss goodbye to 2011.

I can honestly say that I won't be sad to see the back of it!

As years go it has to rate somewhere in my top five worst years.Most of my stress has been caused by work, the lack of it, the complete soul-destroying dismissal of everything I have done for the parents of the kids I've had for years (and not just me, either, but Mum, too). We had three kids leave (two of them siblings) and we got not one thank you card or remote show of gratitude for approx 6 years work with one little girl and almost 18 months with the siblings! Not even a bunch of flowers, nothing, nada, zip!!

Then I found out a few weeks ago that my aunt and uncle had scattered my Nana's ashes without even telling anyone! She lived with us here for 23 years and we find out when they come round to give us a xmas pudding that they scattered her in May, in a place that charges an entrance fee (Wakehurst Place in Sussex)... and they didn't even ask us to go, even though they had often talked about us doing that as a family, where my Grandad was scattered! I was so angry I could have hit them both! Unfeeling and selfish pair! A small part of me will never forgive them for doing that, for unilaterally deciding that no one else had a right to be there, apart from them, there daughter and one grand daughter (the very people who didn't give a damn when she was alive and that only stepped in once she was dead!)

Add that together with all of the other little things that have added up over the months (like my digestive troubles, ill health, arguments, sad news, dating site disasters and general crap) and 2011 was not one of the best years I've ever had :o(




Anyway, to all those that are reading this I'd like to wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year, filled with blessings, good health and love :o)

Wow, long time between updates.

I wish I could say that my life has been a hectic whirlwind of fun and laughter, with barely a moment to sit down and catch my breath... but alas it has just been the same old mundane routine, only with the added bonus of finding out that I'm totally out of work around the end of November (date yet to be confirmed!)

After doing the same job for about 20 years, and feeling thoroughly drained and fed up I've decided to take some time out when the current children leave... I just can't do this anymore and I need a break (Mum feels the same and we work together). We will be able to survive, although things will be tight, but I have to say that I'm looking forward to having some peace and quiet and not having to keep "watching the clock" for school pick-ups! Christmas will be a no present affair, but with the fifth anniversary of Nana's death on the 26th of December, christmas has long been a time of mourning for me. Christmas is really for kids anyway, and I only used to look forward to it for having the tree up with the lovely lights, and also the time off that we always got then.

The dating sites are a total waste of time and I don't visit them anymore except when I get rare messages. I had one guy that I didn't even know message me insults one Friday night (so I assume he was drunk... or just a dickhead, he soon got a piece of mind in return and also reported and blocked). Then I had a guy called Jose track me down from one site for larger women (that I joined and forgot about), to Facebook... and then he found me at a separate dating site as well (stalker much?!) The funny part was he got pissed off when I refused his offer of going out for a cup of tea (that was his first message, like I'd say yes to meeting a total stranger!). Then he got pissed off because I didn't ask him out anywhere... I don't even ask my friends out so why he thought I'd ask him is beyond me altogether lol... and then he got pissed off when I asked him to stop bothering me and he said that I was actually bothering HIM! hahaha. When I pointed out that he was the one that tracked me down at three different places, he had the gall to call me "pathetic." My reply to him was this:

Being pathetic yourself I suppose you recognise the same trait in others. Just piss off and leave me alone. You started talking to me, you found me at other places. Just get over yourself, get a life and get out of mine. I want nothing to do with you so just GO AWAY! 

A little harsh, maybe, but I no longer have patience with people that feel that I owe them something, when I actually owe them nothing. I tried to be nice and I'd asked him to not bother replying to me as he had nothing to say that I wished to read (and that got the "pathetic" response)... and I just lost my temper and let him have both barrels, so to speak. I then changed my Facebook settings so that people have to be at least "friends of friends" in order to send me messages (and not "everyone" that I had before), and I blocked him from the last site he followed me to (I didn't bother with the first site as I'm not a full member and can't read messages without paying them money which I'm not doing anymore).

I'm quite looking forward to Samhain (although as usual I completely forgot about Mabon and only remembered when people sent me "Blessed Mabon" pictures online lol! (did I mention that I'm a lazy pagan hehe). Samhain is different as I pay my respects to my passed over family... it's more personal somehow for me and I at least have to light candles for each of those that I have loved and lost. Then it's Bonfire Night, with the free fireworks display and then it's Yule and the New Year. The year seems to have whizzed past and we are back to the cold weather again (though hopefully not a repeat of the snow and ice we had at the beginning of the year!)

Some random thoughts about my Nana's death...

I remember when my grandmother died, I swear I felt my heart break and then sort of harden, somehow... sort of like I was trying to make sure it never happened again.

Thinking about it, that was probably the start of my goth journey... I'd never experienced anything like that before and I was forced to accept certain things (like death) as a normal part of life. Part of me had kind of refused to accept it before... losing loved ones was something that happened to other people, not to me, so it was a total shock when I lost someone that was such a huge part of my life. Even the death of my paternal grandfather didn't seem to bother me very much, as I didn't know him well so therefore couldn't really mourn him. I felt sad that my (other) Nan was now alone after so many decades of having him there (to moan at and nag, but it was just her way with him, doing that shows she cares deeply). But my (maternal) Nana had been living with us for 23 years... and through that time we had faced so many things together, like the death of my Uncle Jim (her youngest son) in a tragic road accident - his car slid on black ice sending his car crashing into a wall, killing him instantly of a broken neck... our money troubles... many and varying health crises, including my Dad needing to be sectioned into psychiatric hospitals wards, twice! Not to mention all of the fun and happy times, like family holidays, day trips, laughing and joking and even silly little things like watching tv or chatting about books... it all adds up, and when it is suddenly not there anymore, it is life changing, and not in a good way.


It is four years since Nana passed on, December 26th 2006, and even now I get upset by the smallest little things. I bought some carnations the other day, and as I bent my head to smell them I was instantly reminded of her, and I had a hard time not bursting into floods of tears in the middle of the crowded supermarket! Nana adored flowers, and gardening, and she always had fresh flowers. Carnations were her favourite, especially pink ones, or the ones with the picotee edges (where the edges are a different colour to the rest of the flower) and chrysanthemums.


It is just seemingly silly little things like that, that still set me off... sometimes I will just sit and cry, even after all these years, because I cannot believe she has gone.

My one regret is that all of her dressmaking knowledge died with her... when I think of what I could have done with just a fraction of the skills she had, I could kick myself 

For Nana

Four years ago today you left us and I still miss you more than ever.

Everyday I think of something to say to you that I'm unable to say, and I'd give anything to be able to tell you how much I love you and give you one last hug.

My deepest regret is that we left the hospital to get you more clothes, and you being you, you decided to leave when we had gone! We got a call from the nurse telling us we had better get back to the hospital straight away... and by the time we got there it was too late... you'd gone.

I remember sitting there, staring at you and not knowing what to do... I'd never seen someone I love die before... neither had I ever been near the body of someone that had departed. I felt numb and I was more upset at seeing my Mum upset, as I hate to see her cry and I cry, too.

I tried to be strong that day and afterwards for Mum. I cracked on New Years Eve, when I stood outside the house, watching the fireworks from The Millennium Dome and I just burst into tears, sobbing how much I missed you.

I still do, and I'm trying not to cry now, but I'm failing miserably.

Be at peace, darling, and I pray always that you are with Grandad Jack and Uncle Jim, and that you are happy... wherever you may be.

People ask me why I always wear black, and I tell them I am forever in mourning, as I am and always will be... for you and for others I have lost. It helps me to remember the past, though I try not to dwell in it too much, for I know that you would have hated to see me sad.

Until we meet again, you have my love.