The summer Solstice will now forever be linked with sadness for me. She passed away peacefully in her sleep, although her death was sudden as she wasn't ill and had showed no signs of rapid decline.
My Dad cried like a baby and Mum was upset because Dad was upset... but I don't know how I feel. I'm sad, but not upset - I'm sad that my Dad has lost his Mum, and like my Mum is now legally an orphan. I've not cried and it is not because I didn't love her, I suppose deep down I did, but she wasn't affectionate or loving towards me and I honestly didn't know her. If I'm brutally honest I didn't like her much... she was rude, unthoughtful and sometimes downright nasty, she was also an unapologetic racist. She used to make comments about my weight and I had to just keep smiling and bite my tongue sometimes to keep from screaming. In the end I sort of stopped really listening, I was pleasant and did the things she asked, but I felt she didn't trust me and I was always sort of on edge whenever I was around her. I was never close to her as she never allowed me to get close to her. She kept me at a distance and as a result I became very ambivalent towards her while she was alive. I did all I could for my Dad's sake, rather than hers. I feel no guilt as I did all I was allowed to do, even then I often got the impression she just wanted me to go away :0(
How do you grieve for someone you didn't know? Is it even possible? Is there any point? Sorrow is something you can't force, either you feel it or you don't. I don't feel anything much. I remember when my Nana died I grieved for years, it took me months to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel heartache crash down on me. Even now I sometimes cry because I miss her, but she lived with us for over two decades and I saw her every day. She loved me and told me so, gave me hugs, kisses, made me clothes when I couldn't find any that fitted in the shops. I knew that she liked me and she respected me. Never did she make comments that made me sad and despondent. In short Nana was the total opposite to Nan. Which is why my reactions are the opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand I deeply mourn the passing of a large part of my heart; a loving, warm, affectionate friend... on the other is a distant, aloof, hurtful, virtual stranger that is my father's mother. A part of me is sad we weren't closer - but I know it wasn't my doing... how can you try and get close to someone if they don't let you?
