I should be in bed, but all the while I have a connection...

...I'm going to use it, LOL!

I felt dreadful yesterday... I don't know why, but I had terrible stomach pains (I was almost bent double with agony).

That kind of put the end to a fairly crap week, really. Dad fell over again, fortunately he was in the house, but he was really shaken up about it (which is understandable) and now he says that his arm hurts, he must have landed on it when he fell. Plus, I am now on half pay for about two months as the little girl I get paid to care for is not going to be here. Her grandmother is coming over from Nigeria, and I could either take a pay cut or her mother was going to take her out altogether! Combine that with the fact that the 11 year old that we have is leaving in a month, for good, and it's not been the best of weeks (my ability for understatement is working well tonight, LOL!)

The cherry on the top of that glorious cake is that I have a headache and the cold nights have brought on the aching pain in my right arm (splendid!)

Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there... Sleeping Beauty had the right idea (well it wasn't her idea, but you catch my drift **sigh**). I don't know who it was that said "Stop the world... I want to get off" but I understand their sentiment when they said it, LOL!

I often wonder if my life has gone for a burton for a reason that I'm just not seeing, or if I just moan too much about stupid things that don't really matter. Compared to many people I have so much, and all I seem to do lately is moan! I have a nice house, a car, a job (of sorts), parents that love me, my health (most of the time), my sanity (though my memory is getting dreadful lately!). I can walk, talk, think, live all without the aid of another living soul, and all I find myself doing is griping about how bad things are for me... very pathetic really, when I stop and think about it. There are many things that I could do, that I don't, and things that I shouldn't do, that I do far too much of (most of the time!)


My faith is one thing that I said I was going to work on, and what have I been doing about giving it a kick-start? Bugger all, is what! I'm fairly stumped in where to start there, to be honest. Reading some of the books that I read when I started out hasn't helped... all they've done is show me the things that I don't believe, and not helped me pinpoint the things that I do! I suppose that's a start, but I was hoping for more than that (I've always been too impatient, so nothing has changed there anyway!).

I was reading books about Wicca, and as much as I'd like to believe in it (Wicca), there are just things that I can't... like the way that they view deity. The duality I agree with, a goddess and god, but I can't see all the gods that have ever been as just facets of some kind of super deity (the analogy of a disco ball was used, each god or goddess being but a facet of a larger god or goddess) and then them being just aspects of a higher power. I understand the concept... something so vast and beyond human comprehension that we have to somehow shrink it to fit our views. To my way of thinking, that robs the gods of their identities, and to reduce them down to mere aspects of something bigger denies them being who they truly are... which to my mind is individual gods in their own right, all capable of doing their own thing in their own time and way. It's like saying that all the women and men on earth are just a small part of a bigger man and woman, I don't buy it. Now... to say that we (gods and mortals) are a part of "something" larger than us all, a "Higher Power" "Cosmic Force" "Supreme Being" "Universal Energy" call it what you will, that to me makes sense. I mean, from where do the gods get their power? It must come from somewhere and cannot all surely be from themselves or from our belief in them (if you believe that gods use the power of human belief as the source of their power, which I'm not sure about, to be honest, big surprise there LOL!).

Maybe I'm thinking about it all too deeply... or maybe I'm not thinking about it deeply enough - who knows, I don't seem to! Maybe I should just find a deity (or many) that I like and that I "connect to" and just leave it at that... just honour them in the best way I can and not think too deeply about how and why they are here, and just accept that they are! Keep it simple... because trying to make it more complex isn't really getting me anywhere fast - in fact I'm not getting anywhere at all!!!