Random pagan feelings

I feel my connection to Selene waning like the moon. I barely feel any connection there anymore. I think the final straw came two nights ago when I begged her to give me one night free from the vivid dreams I keep having (that become nightmares, that then morph into night terrors where I awake too petrified to move!) and even put on my moonstone pendant in her honour - and I had a dreadful dream anyway. It felt like one of the few remaining threads of a link between us snapped when that heartfelt plea appeared to fall upon deaf ears.

It sounds silly but a small part of me felt quite hurt and betrayed by her seeming to ignore me. Granted I don't do much for her, but then I've never got the impression I had to. I also am not one of those people that asks for help all the time for the tiniest of trivial reasons - I think that was the only time I've ever directly asked for anything for myself, in all the years I've considered myself under Selene's patronage.

A little part of me feels really sad about the bond between us fading - but the majority of me is too tired to really care much anymore. Sad but true :o(

I've wondered off and on for years if I'm agnostic or not - it was only Selene that kept me a theist. With that almost gone there is nothing to keep the gods "alive" for me anymore - she was the only deity I've ever felt close to in any way, and now I just feel more like the gods are stories and myths and not "real" any longer.

Part of me wonders if I've been deluding myself for all these years, convincing myself of a link to a deity to make me feel more "pagan" somehow? To give me something in common with most pagans I know (or used to know).

I still feel there is some kind of "force" or "power" out there somewhere, but it's impersonal and doesn't respond to pleas or prayers. It's hard to put into words (and I need to think about it more before I fully grasp it myself).