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It's been a long time since I updated here and I'm sorry, life just has a way of kicking you in the teeth sometimes. My paternal grandmother died and although we weren't close it still knocked me for six... most of the time it still seems unreal and it is almost three months since she passed. Anyway, I'll update in more detail later on... I just wanted to try out this new blogging app as my HP tablet doesn't support the dedicated Blogger app and this is compatible so I wanted to try it :0)

My grandmother died on Friday.

The summer Solstice will now forever be linked with sadness for me. She passed away peacefully in her sleep, although her death was sudden as she wasn't ill and had showed no signs of rapid decline.

My Dad cried like a baby and Mum was upset because Dad was upset... but I don't know how I feel. I'm sad, but not upset - I'm sad that my Dad has lost his Mum, and like my Mum is now legally an orphan. I've not cried and it is not because I didn't love her, I suppose deep down I did, but she wasn't affectionate or loving towards me and I honestly didn't know her. If I'm brutally honest I didn't like her much... she was rude, unthoughtful and sometimes downright nasty, she was also an unapologetic racist. She used to make comments about my weight and I had to just keep smiling and bite my tongue sometimes to keep from screaming. In the end I sort of stopped really listening, I was pleasant and did the things she asked, but I felt she didn't trust me and I was always sort of on edge whenever I was around her. I was never close to her as she never allowed me to get close to her. She kept me at a distance and as a result I became very ambivalent towards her while she was alive. I did all I could for my Dad's sake, rather than hers. I feel no guilt as I did all I was allowed to do, even then I often got the impression she just wanted me to go away :0(

How do you grieve for someone you didn't know? Is it even possible? Is there any point? Sorrow is something you can't force, either you feel it or you don't. I don't feel anything much. I remember when my Nana died I grieved for years, it took me months to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel heartache crash down on me. Even now I sometimes cry because I miss her, but she lived with us for over two decades and I saw her every day. She loved me and told me so, gave me hugs, kisses, made me clothes when I couldn't find any that fitted in the shops. I knew that she liked me and she respected me. Never did she make comments that made me sad and despondent. In short Nana was the total opposite to Nan. Which is why my reactions are the opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand I deeply mourn the passing of a large part of my heart; a loving, warm, affectionate friend... on the other is a distant, aloof, hurtful, virtual stranger that is my father's mother. A part of me is sad we weren't closer - but I know it wasn't my doing... how can you try and get close to someone if they don't let you?

Sad day

Richard Briers has died aged 79.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Briers

I loved his work... The Good Life, Roobarb and Custard, his appearance in Midsomer Murders and then Monarch of the Glen.

He will be greatly missed :0(

On a sad note...

... my family are all sad today as we had to have our oldest cat put to sleep... she'd been diagnosed with diabetes and thyroid problems. As she hated being handled we thought about it for ages, and discussed it and came to the conclusion that the kindest thing to do would be to let her go peacefully. Had she been younger than 18 we might have felt differently about the twice daily insulin injections for the rest of her life, but adding all of the "cons" together they vastly out-weighed the "pros" and she is now at peace and not in pain anymore.

I felt like a total bitch when I signed the papers to authorise the injection, and neither Mum or I could stay to watch her go. We left the vets and promptly burst into uncontrollable tears in the car park. I feel better now, I know it was for the best, but there is still a hole in my heart where Gem used to be. Yes she was miserable, cantankerous and sometimes downright vicious, but we also had her for 12 years and you get used to the little foibles of animals when you have them for a long time. I hope that we did a little something to prove to her that not all humans were like her first owners, they abused her and eventually abandoned her on a local heath to fend for herself. If nothing else she always had food to eat, water to drink, and a soft, warm bed to sleep in at night.

The weather was also apt, it started raining on the way home... for some reason death always hits deeper when the sky is grey and the rain is lashing the windows. I admit that when the sun came out this afternoon I did feel better... but that could be because I think I cried myself dry this morning :o(

100 years ago today the Titanic sank taking over 1,500 lives with her.

For some reason I have a heaviness on my heart that I cannot shake off. I have long been fascinated with the Titanic, I have countless books and many and varied newspaper cuttings (whenever I see something in the paper I always cut it out and paste it in a scrapbook I have).

I'll never forget the sense of shock I felt when I found a familiar name on the list of crew that went down with the ship. George B. Ede... who was a third class steward. I don't know if he is a part of my family, he was born and lived in Southampton (not a town I've ever heard we have a connection to) but the name Ede is so very rare that a part of me holds out hope that he is. He was only 22 when he perished with over 1,500 other souls; men, women and children (of all classes). I often wonder if he faced death with quiet courage or did he fight until the end? I wonder if he prayed to God for a quick end, or for help to arrive and save those left behind?

The last survivor of the tragedy died in 2010 (98 years to the day that the Titanic was sent down the slipway and launched into the water in Belfast, 31st May 2009). Her name was Millvina Dean and she was only nine weeks old when she was placed into a lifeboat with her mother and older brother... for the first eight years of her life she didn't even know she had been on board the ship. Of course her father died that night "women and children first" being the order of the day.

For some reason it is an event that I am so very drawn to, there is just "something" that connects me to it and I have no idea just what that is. Maybe there is a tenuous family link through a lowly third class steward, I have no idea. I just know that the Titanic, her story and her tragedy hold a tiny piece of my heart... and always will.

To all those that have now gone I say God bless you all... wherever you may be :o(



The pictures at the top of this entry are 1. An actual photograph of the ship, 2. an artists impression of the ship by Ken Marschall. 3. (below) the pennant of The White Star Line, owners of the ship.

I had sad news over the weekend...

... I found out one of my online friends, Koko, had died. I'd known her for years, but had lost contact with her a couple of years ago. I was searching for her for a friend and I found a newspaper article from her local paper saying that she had died (she tried to stop two horses from fighting, was  kicked and died instantly).

I told all of the people that I knew (that also knew her) and one of them confirmed it was indeed my friend. She was only 46 years old and left behind a husband and daughter (that I think is now in her early twenties). So sad.

I did manage to light a candle, and later, when I caught sight of the moon, I asked Selene to take care of Koko and let her have a peaceful rest in the Summerlands before she returns to us. For some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do.


In other news...

I have more or less given up on the dating sites, all I end up doing is chatting to people I don't really want to talk to (but I'm too polite to ignore messages lol). Only one guy is still sending me messages and I really wish he'd stop, but I don't have the heart to tell him so.

I've not been well recently, and I have no idea just what is wrong. I feel dizzy, light-headed and when I took my blood pressure the other day it was 115/61 (the average reading should be 120/80) so it's quite low. I just wish I could stop my stomach from hurting, it's really beginning to annoy me  *sigh* I just feel constantly as if someone has punched/kicked me in the stomach and it's getting really old now!

The rioting seems to have ended as abruptly as it began, and hopefully all those arrested for looting and criminal damage will be harshly dealt with by the justice system. I have no time for people that go out of their way to cause misery to others because of their own selfishness!

'Jackass' star Ryan Dunn dies in fiery Pa. crash - News - Yahoo! TV

'Jackass' star Ryan Dunn dies in fiery Pa. crash - News - Yahoo! TV

I am so sad right now, I loved him in Jackass, and if truth be told I even had a little crush on him... he was my age, too, far too young to die in a horrific car crash where he could only be identified by his tattoos and hair! He had a passenger as well, so it's a double tragedy (the passenger is as yet known).

RIP Ryan Dunn, and your passenger... my thoughts are with your families and friends at this sad time.

Had a really good chat with Sissy and Pingu tonight...

... the catalyst being a programme about two gay men that have paid surrogates to give them kids. The topic of the conversation meandered and covered all different topics, from films to racism... but it was really good to talk, and listen, to them, instead of them disappearing up to their room at 8.30-9pm which they always seem to do.

Just made a nice change from the norm of us all seeming to live in two seperate groups... us and them. It also helped me to get over the problem I always seem to have in voicing my opinion with people I don't know very well. My lack of confidence makes it so that I'm very wary of speaking up in company that is unknown to me. I have to get over that hurdle and I need to understand that I have as much right to my opinion as everyone else in the world... I am lucky enough to live in a country that allows free speech, so I really must not be afraid to have my voice (no matter if no one else but me holds those views!)


Was at one of my forums today and I heard the news that someone that I used to talk to has lost her eight year battle with breast cancer... she died in her sleep at 2am yesterday morning. She was such a kind person and when I joined the staff of the forum she was the one that made me welcome and showed me the ropes. Never, in all the years I'd known her did I realise she was ill, I thought she was in remission... sadly not so. RIP, Dede... you shall be missed by many people, and my thoughts are with your family at this tragic time.

Peter Steele is dead!

I just found out, and it happened about two weeks ago!

He was the lead singer of one of my favourite bands, Type O Negative, and I'm so shocked to hear about him dying :(

It's kind of thrown me at the moment as he wasn't old (late forties or early fifties I think, don't know off-hand). Some reports are saying about it being heart failure, but his family are not releasing any details about his passing yet.

He even re-converted to his native Roman Catholicism before his death (as he seemed to be afraid of the nothingness that was the lot of the atheists that he was one of for many years). Poor guy, he sounded totally conflicted and depressed regarding his faith... I just wish him the peace in death that eluded him in life.

RIP, Pete. Safe journey :(

(eta... on checking out Wikipedia it said that he died on 14th April and he was 48).