My grandmother died on Friday.

The summer Solstice will now forever be linked with sadness for me. She passed away peacefully in her sleep, although her death was sudden as she wasn't ill and had showed no signs of rapid decline.

My Dad cried like a baby and Mum was upset because Dad was upset... but I don't know how I feel. I'm sad, but not upset - I'm sad that my Dad has lost his Mum, and like my Mum is now legally an orphan. I've not cried and it is not because I didn't love her, I suppose deep down I did, but she wasn't affectionate or loving towards me and I honestly didn't know her. If I'm brutally honest I didn't like her much... she was rude, unthoughtful and sometimes downright nasty, she was also an unapologetic racist. She used to make comments about my weight and I had to just keep smiling and bite my tongue sometimes to keep from screaming. In the end I sort of stopped really listening, I was pleasant and did the things she asked, but I felt she didn't trust me and I was always sort of on edge whenever I was around her. I was never close to her as she never allowed me to get close to her. She kept me at a distance and as a result I became very ambivalent towards her while she was alive. I did all I could for my Dad's sake, rather than hers. I feel no guilt as I did all I was allowed to do, even then I often got the impression she just wanted me to go away :0(

How do you grieve for someone you didn't know? Is it even possible? Is there any point? Sorrow is something you can't force, either you feel it or you don't. I don't feel anything much. I remember when my Nana died I grieved for years, it took me months to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel heartache crash down on me. Even now I sometimes cry because I miss her, but she lived with us for over two decades and I saw her every day. She loved me and told me so, gave me hugs, kisses, made me clothes when I couldn't find any that fitted in the shops. I knew that she liked me and she respected me. Never did she make comments that made me sad and despondent. In short Nana was the total opposite to Nan. Which is why my reactions are the opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand I deeply mourn the passing of a large part of my heart; a loving, warm, affectionate friend... on the other is a distant, aloof, hurtful, virtual stranger that is my father's mother. A part of me is sad we weren't closer - but I know it wasn't my doing... how can you try and get close to someone if they don't let you?

My thoughts on the bible

I found this written on a pad of paper under my bed. I don't know when I wrote it... probably when I was going through my xtian phase, but I still believe it.

"In the wrong hands the bible is more deadly a weapon than an atom bomb. Twisted by charlatans it makes the innocent 'guilty' - and the guilty 'righteous'. Its abusers use it to perpetuate violence and deny those who need it the most the very mercy and forgiveness that Christ mandated all to freely give.

I do not fear Scripture - just those who make it their mission to use it as a weapon against the vulnerable. Shame on them... and on all who choose to blindly follow them!"

I've been thinking about the past few days...

... and why it made me so upset. It has nothing to do with the story from FB, but the reactions of people regarding me that has upset me. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, that's fine and I'm not arrogant enough to believe that everyone should agree with me. It is the way in which people disagree with me, and that is what I have a hard time handling - when people are overly confrontational to me or talk to me as if I'm a piece of shit, that is when I become angry. I don't think it would have hurt as much had the guy from FB had any real contact with me lately, but he hasn't (the galling thing being that I'd recently sent him a cd that cost me £12 for free and then refused his offer to refund the almost £3 it cost me in postage to send it to him!)

Then I had someone I don't remember attack me here, when she has never once posted any kind of comment on this blog before. Then she tried to justify her doing so by saying that because I had commenting set to 'everyone' it gave her the right to speak to me like crap. Then she had the cheek to lecture me about 'lacking common decency' - that now strikes me as quite funny. I guess she knows all about that as she lacks it herself.

Apparently she has done it in the past as well, to people I do remember (and it was only when my brother went searching for her that he found a blog that posted her screen-name, which I kind of recall... although I still didn't have any contact with her directly even then). I guess some people are so arrogant and have such high opinions of themselves and their opinions they somehow feel they have the right to ride roughshod over everyone else regardless of what kind of damage they may do in the process. Having a loud voice doesn't always mean you have to scream at everyone all the time. One day they will scream at the wrong person and find someone screaming back... I just wish I could be there to see it happen and give them the old classic of  'I told you so'.

It's probably because I do take the things that people say to me seriously, and when I'm attacked online it feels just as bad as when I'm verbally attacked in the street for being fat. As much as I try and shake it off and tell myself that people don't know me and are just saying hurtful things to be hurtful or impress others and make them laugh, deep down it still cuts and bleeds and causes a scar. I struggle so much to be myself and not worry what other people think of me, it has taken years for me to do that and most of the time I still feel vulnerable and exposed when I attempt to be myself around anyone not a member of my tiny inner circle. It is akin to building a high wall around yourself to keep the world out and then having to gradually remove bricks in order to rejoin the world... only to have someone come along and try and batter the wall down so you build it back up, stronger and higher than before. Leaving you right back where you started, in fact in a worse place than where you started as you have more bricks to remove just to get back to that place.

People are always saying that I should stand up for myself and not allow people to stop me being who I am... yet it always seems that on the few occasions I do just that, I am once again attacked, belittled, dog-piled and  made to feel like I'm a horrible person for merely being myself. I can't win. I'm told I'm too lenient and a bit of a doormat, and then when I stand up for myself I'm told I'm 'not who I thought you were' and that I'm in the wrong and somehow lacking basic human decency.

I wish I could stop the people that don't matter from affecting me so badly, and for all of the positive and supporting messages I receive I still remember the negative and nasty ones. I may have a strong opinion, but I rarely use it against other people unless they attack me first. I have a strong opinion regarding issues, not individuals... and I would never speak to people the way they speak to me, especially in public. That to me 'lacks common decency'.

Sissy is out for the day

I have to say I'm loving it. The peace, the quiet, the not having to worry about her walking into a room unexpectedly and seeing me writing this blog. Makes for a very relaxed house... of course it won't last, she'll be back later tonight and then Pingu will be back sometime tomorrow evening *sigh* T'was nice while it lasted, though, LOL!

I wish if it was going to rain it would just do it... the sky gets dark and then lightens up again... I get all excited when it gets dark and then... nothing!

So, the World Cup has started... yay [sarcasm/]. I admit to not caring one iota, I couldn't care less about it... all I do like is the empty shops and car parks on match days. I hate football, and I HATE football fans even more and I do not understand why they have to go so overboard. Every time I see a car that has those tatty looking flags on them I have an overwhelming urge to snap their sticks! Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to have a favourite sport... mine's tennis, for those that care... but I don't go walking down the street on the way to the pub to watch a game, wrapped in the England flag, wearing an England shirt, face done up like some kind of flag-wearing clown and singing "Three Lions on a shirt" off key at the top of my lungs at 6.30 in the evening, annoying the people in the houses on my way... do I?! Which is precisely what three morons did yesterday. **It was the off key singing, or shouting, that offended me the most... anyone that sings off key should have their voice box ripped from their throat and trampled into submission by a stampede of angry elephants... either that, or they should just NOT SING! It should be LAW! It's an extreme way to deal with off key singing, but it would work out in the long run (provided enough angry elephants could be located, of course).**

I have nothing against people being optimistic, or of having dreams of glory... I mean, come on, apart from 1966 the only chance we have of winning it is in the dreams of the fans, haha! I can't imagine the chaos and hysteria if we do somehow win... we've been carping on about the last time for long enough. If we were to win again the world would never hear the end of it! TWICE in 44 years! Total WINNERS!!!!! Hahahahaha.

I'm not in anyway un-patriotic, either, I love this country... but I don't think that cheering on a group of over-paid, ball-kicking, tossers that take themselves far too seriously for their own good is patriotic, either. I'm proud of this country for the people, the country itself and sport is way down on the list of things we should be proud of... we are known for having some of the worst football fans in the world, hardly people to be proud of!

If it weren't for football I wonder if the hooligan would ever have come to be? I've never heard of cricket hooligans, or tennis? Motor racing? Horse riding? Athletics? Rugby? Snooker? Darts? It seems as if the fans of all other sports can get along, keeping their team rivalry within bounds, except football. Now, I know that the vast majority of football fans are NOT in any way, violent hooligans... but the ones that are out there tarnish all of the rest... and I must admit to feeling afraid when around even a small gathering of football fans... maybe because I'm not one, or maybe because I don't fully understand the obsession, or maybe because I'm scared that one wrong word and there will be violence. All football fans look alike to me, and these days someone covered in tattoos and piercings is not, by default, the bad apple in the bunch, it's more likely to be the people that go un-noticed that are the bad ones... and there lies the problem, how do you tell a fan from a hooligan just by looking?. Who knows... all I do know is that people who are hooligans are totally pathetic and deserve harsh treatment!

Time to re-ignite my paganism?

I'm the first one to admit that I have done nothing regarding my beliefs for a while now... ever since I felt my connection to Selene was severed a few months ago (see here) I have not felt particularly pagan, in fact I haven't felt very much of anything. I've done no reading about pagan things, I have barely posted on pagan forums, and it was only seeing a post asking what people are doing for Imbolc that I realized that it's next week!!

I sometimes wonder if it's my spending so much time (online) around christians that affects my pagan beliefs? Maybe I see them seeming to be so happy, content and spiritually rich that it makes me want to be like them... although the six months that I tried to be christian were some of the darkest, confusing and (regarding some of the things I heard myself say!) also most embarrassing times in my entire life. The constant trying to be something that I wasn't, of having to toe the party line, of never feeling free as I was always having to measure myself by the scriptural yardstick (and failing dismally everytime) made me well and truly miserable - and even now I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt when I do things that are biblically taboo or "sins" (like lying and thinking about sex).

Maybe it's because I am so very indecisive, and the more and more I seem to think about things, the more my sense of confusion seems to grow...on the flip side, the less I seem to think about things, the clearer my true feelings become (maybe something to think about there, although not too much, lol!)

I have done nothing remotely pagan for months... I have even stopped burning candles, which is sad because I do love candles. My cauldron is under my bed somewhere, my shelf of pagan books is gathering dust... but if asked by people I will say I'm pagan... and I get very defensive if paganism (in whole or it part) is belittled, attacked or mocked, either by those who are ill-informed or by those who are trying to make us all out to be devil worshippers, child killers, mad, bad or just downright evil!

I very much have a pagan heart, although I may not actively be practicing my pagan path (which I have no idea about, which could go a long way to explaining just why I'm stalled and sort of held in a kind of holding pattern or limbo regarding it!)

Am thinking that I should go and have a read of some of the books on my shelf again... see if I can fire up my interest... it certainly can't hurt, and it may just make me feel the way I used to about my path. Maybe I should see about writing a little something for Imbolc... it's only about a week away and what better way to banish this dark feeling than with a festival of light celebration?

Happy New Year!!!

Or not!

Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).

I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).

So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)

All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).

We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)

There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.

I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**

Thoughts of a Serial Self-Confuser: Something that made me think about the "Christian" God

Just documenting so I don't forget about it.

Why do I bother?

I often wonder what I bother joining online forums for... I don't seem to get anything out of them anymore! I'm not christian, so don't fit too well on the christian ones, I don't feel particularly pagan these days, so am none to comfortable on the pagan ones, I don't feel very goth anymore, so the goth ones are not really me and as for the rest that I've joined in the past I just can't seem to get a foot in the door as I have nothing to say there... and even if I did I am really just not in the mood to post my opinion and get set upon by the forum regulars for daring to post my views, or worse, have to cite sources to back up every little thing that is posted, or else have to retract my opinion! (Just how you are meant to find things to back up your own opinion, I have no idea **sigh**)

Apart from Farmville and the rest of the facebook games, and the Drag Cave dragons I highly doubt that I'd do anything online anymore. This blog entry is the most I have typed online in about four days!!! So unlike me. I just can't seem to think of anything of any value to say... neither do I fancy voicing an opinion that will be unpopular, or saying things that in some places can actually get me banned, just for daring to question others about the things they say! Shocking, yet true.

I just can't seem to be bothered with all of the damn drama that some places seem to generate... I don't want to agrue about Jesus, nor do I wish to be constantly told that unless I accept him that I am doomed to spend an eternity in hell. Sadly, that is the very thing that I get told on a fairly regular basis at some of the places I frequent (though not with any regularity these days). Some of the people are just so totally toxic in the things that spew from their mouths that I have neither the time nor the inclination to bear them any longer. I think that Winston Churchill got it right when he said "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. "

What a strange experience!

(long entry... sorry)


I was talking to two christians yesterday (which in this case was a bad idea) and the topic was other religions and of course the topic shifted to talk of my burning in hell for all eternity because of my refusal to accept Jesus! One poster there was only 15 and another one chimed in and the tone of their posts really upset me in the end and I got quite scared about what they were saying (mind you it was 3am, I was tired and alone and they caught me by surprise with their tag-team posting!).

Anyway... in the end I had to turn off the computer as I was getting quite panicky (never happened to me before) and I thought to myself "what if they're right and I do go to hell!" I don't even believe in the place and I was getting totally freaked out! So weird! So I close down the kitchen (lock the door, check the windows, change the cats' water, etc) and I go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. Now, normally just thinking of Selene would calm me down and make me feel better, but last night it didn't, if anything it seemed to add to my panic.

I was sat on the loo (sorry, I know, tmi!) brushing my teeth and trying to distract myself by reading a book (and failing dismally) when I heard a bird singing outside. Now that's not too strange around here, I hear birds all the time (even at 3am as we have bright lights on the motorway) but this was a bird that I'd never heard before, and as it was chirping away, a name just popped into my head "Ceridwen" and from then on I could almost hear this bird singing "Ce-rid-wen" when it was chirping. Now I've glanced briefly at the Welsh/Celtic Pantheon, but nothing more than that (the prounounciation always put me off), so why it should be the name of Ceridwen that calmed me right down and filled me with a feeling of tranquility, I have no idea, and I still don't?! I looked her up in my mythology book and the scant info I had said that she was a fertility goddess, and then mentioned about her brewing a potion of knowledge for her ugly son, but someone else drank it so she ate him and he later became the bard, Taliesin (or something like that, I was really tired by this point, and I haven't looked for more info before writing this).

After a few minutes I was feeling back to normal, and the birdsong seemed to get louder for an instant, and then it was gone... and it hasn't returned. I don't even know which bird it was, although I know what it wasn't (not crow, pigeon, magpie, starling, collared dove, blue tit or jay, as we have them on the birdtable, and I know their songs and chirps quite well). It just seemed so strange to hear a new birdsong when I was in such need of reassurance, and then once I was calm and telling myself what an idiot I was for being spooked by those people, it made me aware for an instant with an increase of volume, and then it was gone. I would know the song if I heard it again, although I cannot describe it (as I'm rubbish at doing animal impressions).

I know it's not unheard of for people to be drawn to gods from different pantheons, but I was so sure about Selene, yet today I feel nothing for her... she is just another Greek god, and I feel really sad about that... could I have been wrong about having her as my patron all along? Or was she just there to guide me into my craftwork and now her job is done and I am free to explore other things? I feel a little bereft, to tell the truth, and I don't know what to do now! If I'd been asked yesterday which god was "mine" I would have had no hesitation in answering, Selene... but ask me now and I have not a clue **sigh**

I spend way to much time...

...on the computer!

I seem to waste hours a day just doing... not one hell of a lot, if I'm honest. I used to do so many things - candle making, knitting, embroidery, tapestry, jigsaws, jewellery making, going for walks... now all I seem to do is sleep, eat, work and surf the net... not a very rewarding experience most days  **sigh**

The laptop is on for more than twelve hours nearly everyday! I'm sure that can't be very healthy, for either me or the computer, LOL! I wouldn't mind, but I always seem to forget to visit the places that I should be visiting, like the places where I am staff... I mess about at Facebook using Farmville, Drag Cave seeing to the dragons or blogging here and by the time I seem to remember about places like PWUK and The Glade it's bedtime and too late so I say "must go there tomorrow" and then come tomorrow, I seem to forget again until it's too late!!

Why do I do that?! It's not even as if I have such pressing concerns or undue stress that I'm incapable of remembering... it's just that I always seem to remember when it's too late for me to do anything about it, and then the following day something always seems to happen to distract me and so I forget again. Do I feel guilty for constantly forgetting... yes, I damn well do! But I have no idea why I cannot seem to remember to go there first... maybe I should leave myself a note saying to visit the forums before I do anything else... it certainly can't hurt!!

I am so bad

I've just eaten fish and it tasted so damn good!!

It was some sushi that my Mum bought me by mistake, she forgot to get the vegetarian one, as I was vegetarian... until about two minutes ago, but I've just sat here and eaten it all, and it was really lovely (and I would have eaten more if I'd had it!)

Some vegetarian I am... chowing down on poor little fishes!

I am going to have to have a serious think about whether I go back to eating meat again or not... I have missed it, and meals here have been awful of late as no-one has been eating meat, just because of me (and I feel guilty about that, I must admit). We were never a family that ate a lot of meat, about three times a week (if I recall correctly), but I do miss sunday dinners, and getting a take away is a nightmare... and also the added expense on the weekly shop (meat for Mum and Dad and veggie stuff for me, and we truly cannot afford to keep doing it!)

I do feel guilty about eating meat, but I don't think that I feel guilty enough... it would make things so much easier if I went back to eating meat... and I really haven't seen any benefits in not eating meat. The weight that I've lost I would have lost anyway as I've also stopped eating white bread products (the abdominal pain they give me isn't funny) something to do with white flour and yeast just does not agree with me, not at all! Meat never really bothered me, to be honest, and I thought that I'd feel better, but I really haven't all I've felt is tired and listless all the time.

I know I sound as if I'm trying to talk myself back into eating it again, and I suppose that I probably am, in a way... it would just make life a whole lot simpler here if I did, and I have missed it, so I suppose that is decision made LOL!

Am I boring?

I'd like to think not, but sometimes I do wonder. I don't really do much, not when I think about it. I work, surf the net, read, eat, sleep and drive (in varying order and intensity) and I sometimes watch movies and annoy my cats - oh, and eat chocolate (mustn't forget that bit).

I don't have a real hobby, nothing that I love doing. I have many things that interest me, many things that I do, to a middling sort of level, but nothing that I really excel in, and nothing that I can do exceptionally well - I seem to know a little bit about a lot of things, but not a lot about any one thing in particular. Maybe I should look into finding a remedy for that, stop spreading myself too thin?

I think that my main problem is that I get bored easily, and then I put things down and find something else to do, and forget about the things I was doing before. I get easily distracted by -----oh... shiny (joke).

I wonder what I'm really doing with my life! Do I have any idea what I really want out of this round of my existance? Not really. I just want peace and the chance to do what I want to do. Is that so much to ask? In today's world, it probably is far too much to ask - here I am wanting to do as I please and there are people that can barely survive!

Sometimes, trying to tap into the untouched corners of your mind is a bad thing... there is a reason that they are filled with cobwebs and dust and huge trunks with big old locks on them - they are not meant to be visited and the trunks are not meant to be opened, they are meant to be left alone and the things locked inside left in peace. Trying to force them open is the surest way to unleash something that should never see the light of day. Whatever is in there is in there for reason... leave it alone, and it will return the favour!

Thoughts about my Dad and depression

My dad is the kind of guy that you can't reason with (to try is akin to smashing your head against a very well built brick wall). Being stubborn is a trait that is elevated almost to an art form in this house. Regardless of what happens, though, I am determined not to follow the pattern as dictated by my fraternal genes (depression has been passed down from my grandmother to my father, and it stops right there!). I point-blank refuse to become a depressive person... I couldn't do that to my mum. We have a tendancy to cling to each other in adverse situations, and without each other we would probably both go insane, LOL!

I also know just how easy it would be to give in... some days I am just so very tired, but I've started blogging and writing a journal and it's really helping me to get the thoughts out and discuss them (just pulling them apart myself is enough, most of the time).

The first time my dad had a nervous breakdown that I can remember (he first did it when I was about six months old) I was totally devastated, my heart literally broke. To see the strong, tough man that I once knew, sitting in a chair and staring at nothing (after being sectioned for trying to commit suicide with an od of sleeping pills) is an image that I can never forget. That was 11 years ago. I was 21, what a welcome to adulthood, lol!

The second time he ended up in hospital was about 4 years ago. Since then he's been "officially" retired and claiming his state pension... and does virtually nothing. Very sad. But then he'll come in to the kitchen, like just now, and you'd think that nothing was the matter... it's baffling, to be honest.

I've learnt to cope, somewhat, by never letting people get in, to never let my guard down, so to speak. It gives the impression that I'm fairly cold and unfeeling, but it's the direct opposite, really. The people that know me fully understand that it's my way of coping so they let it slide. We all have our ways of dealing with things, but after months of crying and moaning I came to the conclusion that all I was doing was upsetting myself even more than dad did. Not very productive, lol.