It isn't the over commercialization of the holiday. Or the fact that shops will try and beat you into submission by taking one day and throwing it at you in a barrage that lasts for six weeks before it arrives. It is because of an event that happened the day after it occurs.
My beloved maternal grandmother died on December 26th 2006. I adored her and she had lived with my parents and me for over 23 years. It was the first time I had ever lost someone in my family that I was close to, and that I loved deeply. It had, and still has, a profound effect on me. I've been in a state of mourning since that day and I probably always will be. The regrets of all the things I didn't ask or say haunt me and part of me cannot forgive myself for not being there when she died (Mum and I were on our way to collect more clothes and toiletries when we got a call telling us to come back to the hospital as soon as possible... by the time we got back she had slipped away).
The onset of the colder months fills me with dread. The rest of the year I'm ok, I can remember and not get weepy... but the closer it gets to December the more I can feel myself tensing up somehow. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I just can't help it. Believe it or not the new year is the worst. We all used to stay up late to see it in together and a lady up the road always rings a bell to see the old year out and the new year in - Mum and I go outside to listen and when I wish Nana a happy new year I always cry, then I set Mum off and we end up hugging each other and listening to the bell, standing outside in the cold. I just can't seem to help it. It only lasts a minute or two, but losing her still hurts so much. When people say that time heals, it doesn't. Time just moves forward and carries you along with it. You can either allow it to push you forwards or you can fight it and try to cling on to the past for as long as you can... eventually it will sweep you forwards whether you like it or not. We never get over losing people... we just become more and more used to them not being there anymore :0(
As memories fade, the feelings seem to lessen as well and that allows us to cope with everyday life. But the loss is still there, it may be buried deep inside, but it is still there. Maybe not as raw, maybe not as shocking, but still there, waiting for something to trigger it off... a smell, a sound, a look, a time of year... one day it will happen and the grief washes over you again in massive choking waves of pain and heartbreak. Tears flow and nothing you can do will stop them, they have to come out or they will drown you and burst forth when you least expect them to. It makes you want to crawl into bed and squeeze yourself into a tiny ball and you wish for sleep so that for a few short hours you can forget. Upon waking you have a few seconds of exquisite happiness when you are not awake enough to remember... but then you do, and sorrow smashes down upon you like a ton weight and you drag yourself out of bed and try and face the day with a brain full of sadness and a heart full of misery.
I still cling to the few precious things I have that belong to Nana. I cannot let them go as then my final grasp on the physical her will be gone as well. I need them to remind me of happy times; reading her recipes and remembering her baking a cake, seeing her handwriting and recalling watching her write cards and notes to people she loved, wearing her jewellery and feeling as if I have a small piece of her against my skin. I had to dispose of her perfume as it just triggered too much, too often... I was inundated with memories from just one sniff, it was unbearable. I smelled it the other day, whilst packing up the weekly shop in a crowded supermarket and I was momentarily unable to move as I thought she was there, mad I know, but for a nanosecond I had hope that she was, even though I knew she wasn't.
Sometimes I have to marvel that I haven't gone insane. I wonder why I am not in a mental health unit when just typing this entry has me sat here with tears blinding me and loss threatening to overwhelm me again. Maybe it is because I cannot allow it to do that, I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. My needs must be tempered by the fact they rely on me... if I fall apart who will be there for them then? I have to suck it up and only allow myself to let it out when everyone else is asleep... then I can put my needs first and just cry. Just release the pressure once in a while and allow myself to be sad and let my heart break again. Then I can fall into a hopefully restful sleep and maybe by morning my heart will have reassembled itself back together again... not perfect (like a broken vase, mended with glue, is never really the same as it was before it shattered) but passable to any but the most in depth of inspections.
All of this creeps towards me the nearer December comes.
That is why I dislike Christmas.
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Monday, 18 November 2013
Monday, 24 December 2012
Long time no blog
I've not been here for a while now and I've got nothing really exciting to say.
Life is ticking along the same as ever really... except that my Nan is now unable to use any of her limbs because she just seemed to give up after her stroke (and it wasn't even a severe stroke as she only really lost her ability to stand at first). Now she will have to go into a care home as she's basically a quadraplegic and can do nothing for herself. I was sad at first, but now at least I won't have to worry about her falling over at home or burning her hand on the oven (like she did once before). She'll be safe and cared for and not many 90 year olds can say that.
Xmas always leaves me feeling a bit sad these days. Part of me misses that excitement that I used to feel, but the bigger part of me just sees this time of year as a time to mourn. It's the seventh anniversary of my beloved Grandmother's death on the 26th December. Time has healed the raw pain but there is still that scar that never properly heals and that sometimes causes me pain when I least expect it. I still miss her so very much, and I can feel the tears forming as I write this. She still had so much left to teach me and when she was here I made no effort to learn... and now it's too late and my opportunities have all gone. If I could pass one piece of advice on to all those that have elders that want to teach you something you're not too keen to learn, it would be this - accept the lessons while you have the chance, once the teacher is gone it's too late! Don't let yourself carry regrets from the past because you couldn't be bothered to shut up and listen for once.
Grief is a strange emotion. It strikes at random times. I was laughing earlier and now I feel as if I could howl my eyes out. I'm not a fan of crying as it leaves me feeling drained and exhausted, but sometimes it is the only thing that relieves the pain and tension... like screaming when you're angry eases the rage.
I think the hardest part about this time of year for me is seeing Mum get upset. We're not really an "emotional" family. We rarely cry tears of sadness and me being as soft as velvet under my pretend tough exterior means that when I see my parents cry I burst into tears myself. I try and be strong but sometimes I just can't be.
I need to stop writing or else I shall just break down.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
My new commenting message...
... for those that may not read it before they comment!
It is people like 'Luna Buteo' that had me remove the commenting ability here in the past. I don't need to be constantly told if people think I'm in the wrong, I'm well aware of when I am and I don't need total strangers to tell me that. Anyone would think that I'd started the scam myself instead of just documented it so that someone that has no access to it can see it. There is no way I could have found the words to describe that picture, I wouldn't know where to even begin.
It plays havoc with my anxiety issues and has me then second guessing every little thing I say or do in the future, just in case I offend someone or make them angry or upset. It makes me feel as if I'm a terrible person for merely keeping friends updated on why I'm upset in my life. Now I feel like I have to think of reasons to justify the things I post here, when I started this blog purely to help ease the stress and anxiety in my life not increase it. It doesn't feel like that now... I feel like a goldfish in a bowl that is surrounded by hungry cats... and all because people feel they have the 'right' to say things to me regarding things that don't concern them in any way.
I've reactivated the 'adult warning' on the front of this blog (as you saw when you got here) and I feel like not bothering writing anything if all people are going to do is always find the bad things and remark on them, yet ignore the good. I feel like turning commenting off, yet if I do that the one person whose comments I actually enabled commenting to receive won't be able to... what do I do *sigh*
Please feel free to leave a message, beware that I moderate all comments, so be nice. If you are just commenting in order to criticise or scold me, please don't bother as I'm not interested!! Such comments will be deleted or I will make a post out of them for everyone to see!
It is people like 'Luna Buteo' that had me remove the commenting ability here in the past. I don't need to be constantly told if people think I'm in the wrong, I'm well aware of when I am and I don't need total strangers to tell me that. Anyone would think that I'd started the scam myself instead of just documented it so that someone that has no access to it can see it. There is no way I could have found the words to describe that picture, I wouldn't know where to even begin.
It plays havoc with my anxiety issues and has me then second guessing every little thing I say or do in the future, just in case I offend someone or make them angry or upset. It makes me feel as if I'm a terrible person for merely keeping friends updated on why I'm upset in my life. Now I feel like I have to think of reasons to justify the things I post here, when I started this blog purely to help ease the stress and anxiety in my life not increase it. It doesn't feel like that now... I feel like a goldfish in a bowl that is surrounded by hungry cats... and all because people feel they have the 'right' to say things to me regarding things that don't concern them in any way.
I've reactivated the 'adult warning' on the front of this blog (as you saw when you got here) and I feel like not bothering writing anything if all people are going to do is always find the bad things and remark on them, yet ignore the good. I feel like turning commenting off, yet if I do that the one person whose comments I actually enabled commenting to receive won't be able to... what do I do *sigh*
Monday, 21 May 2012
What an asshat!!
I got involved in a fairly heated debate with someone at Facebook earlier on... I know, I know I should have resisted the urge to feed the troll, but I just couldn't let such a moronic display of tomfoolery slide.
It all started when I shared this picture
I still fail to see the correlation between same-sex marriage and working it a place that is one tiny t-shirt and a metal pole away from a strip club... one is a job and the other is a basic human right that only ever seems to be argued against by people it doesn't effect! I have never seen anyone that is LGBT saying that same-sex marriage is wrong... it is only heterosexuals, or religious heterosexuals that seem to have the problem. That speaks volumes to me.
More from the "Idiot King of Facebook". I have since removed him as a friend and reported him for annoying me lol.
It all started when I shared this picture
It shows the actor, Taylor Lautner (who plays werewolf, Jacob in the recent Twilight films) wearing a shirt that has a message I agree with.
Anyway, I thought no more of it until a total jerk began leaving comments about it... I'm going to post the conversation as a whole just in case he decides to delete his posts at a later date, as other people have done in the past (which irritates me as it looks like I'm talking to myself).
Minty Autumn Ede The those states should be ashamed of themselves for having opinions on things that are none of their business... get over it!
Mikal Dmon when you involve the state seal you make it the people's business..You can't have your cake and eat it too..
Minty Autumn Ede What people chose to do regarding their love life concerns no one but the people involved when it is between consenting adults. The "cake" is a private affair and people need to cut their own cakes and stop telling others how to do it.
Mikal Dmon again, you're too committed to step back and see the point..States develop their own laws, and when you use the states seal to approve something, as the do in marriage, you're going to have to put up with the people's opinion..If you don't want them, stop asking states to hand out marriage licenses..
Mikal Dmon don't get to upset, I'm just playing devil's advocate, I really don't disagree with you..
Minty Autumn Ede It's not the peoples opinion, it's the state telling people the way it's going to be. Just because the state says it doesn't mean it's right. I have no idea what individual states do as I gladly don't live in one. I just fail to see why so many people seem to have such a strong opinion on something that directly contradicts personal freedom!
Minty Autumn Ede It just amazes me that a country as modern as America can still be so backwards regarding certain things... people have the right to bear arms and say whatever they like, but not to want to marry someone they love because they have the same genitals. It baffles me.
16 hours ago · ·1
Minty Autumn Ede Nor am I, but I recognise discrimination and enforced inequality when I see it. Neither can I blindly ignore nor condone it when I see people I love and care about being made to feel they're lesser or a "disgusting abomination" merely for loving another person who just happens to be the same gender :o(
Mikal Dmon enforced inequality??? people at hooters want to see big breast, small chest need not apply...I don't see any issue with that
Minty Autumn Ede What does that have to do with anything?!
Are you seriously comparing a chain of tacky restaurants that only employ large breasted women to denying people the right to marry because they're the same gender? That is like comparing Playboy ...See more
Mikal Dmon
before you criticize my point, you might try to understand it first..YOU said being LGBT is not a choice, well do you being small breasted is? Aren't they denied the same opportunity others have, like Gays are denied the opportunity others ...See more
Minty Autumn Ede
I'm not criticising your point, neither do I need to "understand it" as I'm saying the comparison is ridiculous! If someone wanted to work at Hooters so badly yet they lacked the breasts to do so they can either suck it up and find employment elsewhere or have a breast enlargement and get the job. They have a CHOICE.
The only way using the "small breast card" could possibly be relevant is if they were denied getting any job, anywhere because of it. That is obviously not the case so I still fail to see how the two are comparable!
Just because discrimination is still used, doesn't mean it is right to carry on doing so, especially in a area where it has no bearing upon anyone else's life. I have been the subject of discrimination my whole life because of my weight and to hear it used against people that cannot change the very aspect that it is used against is repugnant to me. I can lose weight, someone LGBT cannot change who they fall in love with.
I am not "fighting around" anything, you sir, seem determined to try and wander from the point by bringing up obstacles that are not only irrelevant but also ridiculous. Discrimination is not a "privilege" it is the way a society attempts to control something it has no business controlling. Until attitudes like the one you display are dead and buried there will be people that feel they have the right to use discrimination. I suggest you stop thinking of discrimination as a "privilege" and see it for what it really is... wrong and not welcome in the 21st century!
I shall continue to counter everything silly you say about this issue, so I suggest you just stop being "devil's advocate" and/or trying to argue a case that has already been lost. Get over it and just ssshh!
2 hours ago via Mobile ·
I still fail to see the correlation between same-sex marriage and working it a place that is one tiny t-shirt and a metal pole away from a strip club... one is a job and the other is a basic human right that only ever seems to be argued against by people it doesn't effect! I have never seen anyone that is LGBT saying that same-sex marriage is wrong... it is only heterosexuals, or religious heterosexuals that seem to have the problem. That speaks volumes to me.
Maybe it is my inner hippy... maybe it is just my asexuality that doesn't see a problem with same sex couples (I did at one stage wonder if I was a lesbian myself, until I realised that I'm just not that attracted to anyone, regardless of gender lol. I can appreciate a beautiful face no matter the sex of the possessor... maybe I'm a bi-asexual in that I'm not greatly attracted to either yet would not rule out a relationship with them?)
Apart from that my day has been ok... I was up all night with stomach problems... and I seem to have dreadful trouble sleeping at night, although I can sleep during the day (which at first I though was because I've been drinking coffee and cola a lot lately which has caffeine... but seeing as I can sleep during the day it can't be that). That is probably why I was so terse and short in my replies to "Mr. Devil's Advocate" up there ^^^ Lack of sleep with a pain chaser tends to rob me of my patience (sometimes I wonder if that is a good or bad thing... my patience sometimes stops me from saying what I really feel as I always try and be nice to people regardless of whether they warrant it or not!)
More from the "Idiot King of Facebook". I have since removed him as a friend and reported him for annoying me lol.
- Mikal Dmon
"For the record, I'm straight as well, yet I don't seem to use it as some kind of superiority card against those are not." Okay , I lost all interest in being nice.(I really was) However, I never SAID I find myself superior to anyone, YOUR ASSUMPTION ASSHOLE~UNDERSTANDING MY POINT, you would know I meant it as means of explaining my way of thinking..I speak from a heterosexual mindset, that often doesn't contemplate the plight of other..That being said, you ASSUME allot of things actually, which is the result of you talking AN NOT LISTENING..You have a problem running your mouth, you absolutely suck at understanding others..I bet you suck at allot of things...
Mikal Dmon "Show me one type of discrimination that is good.." Sex offenders have to register their residence, so parent can decided if they want to live next to one..This is good discrimination...I can provide more, but you only asked for one....Did you really think I couldn't defend my point?
Mikal Dmon "How can we reach the same conclusion when you somehow fail to grasp that any kind of discrimination is wrong" Have you ever tried raising a kid with a spouse? same objectives, but different ways of doing things..People are different, in case you didn't know
Mikal Dmon 1)"How can we reach the same conclusion when you somehow fail to grasp that any kind of discrimination is wrong" "I'm saying the comparison is ridiculous! 2)If someone wanted to work at Hooters so badly yet they lacked the breasts to do so they can either suck it up and find employment" When you stop contradicting yourself Minty, then we can talk
Mikal Dmon 1)"How can we reach the same conclusion when you somehow fail to grasp that any kind of discrimination is wrong" 2) "I'm saying the comparison is ridiculous! If someone wanted to work at Hooters so badly yet they lacked the breasts to do so they can either suck it up and find employment" When you stop contradicting yourself Minty, then we can talk
Mikal Dmon when you somehow fail to grasp that any kind of discrimination is wrong? I guess you never tried dating Minty, allot of discrimination in dating..I guess you didn't know that..
Mikal Dmon "when you somehow fail to grasp that any kind of discrimination is wrong?" I guess you never tried dating Minty, allot of discrimination in dating..I guess you didn't know that..
Minty Autumn Ede Do you have some kind of compulsion to constantly copy and paste the same thing over and over again? It makes no difference how many times you do it, you still make no sense. Idiot.
I don't want to talk to you... so just shut the fuck up and go the fuck away!
Discrimination in dating doesn't make it right... I fail to see what that has to with anything. But then you equate same-sex marriage as working in a bar with big chested waitresses, so why should I expect logic from you!
Tracking sex offenders is not discrimination... that is making sure the public as a whole is safe and that perpetrators don't' have a chance of re-offending. Do you even know what discrimination actually is? Sounds not from the "case" you're making. Enforcing the law for the safety of the public is not discrimination. It is basic common sense. You have not defended your point, you have just proved your ignorance of the English language... I suggest you purchase a dictionary to avoid future confusion when shooting yourself in the foot! Hahaha
LOL... someone that sees discrimination as a good thing calls me an asshole... I guess it takes one to recognise another.
I lost all interest in talking to you when you saw discrimination as a privilege... that makes you a bigger asshole than I could ever be. I hope you never have kids, or that if ypu do they take after their mother. I pity them greatly if they take after you. Asshat!
Don't reply anymore... you have nothing left to say that even makes sense... nor do I want to hear it. Seeing as I don't even know who the hell you are (I don't even recall adding you as a friend) I think it is time you left my profile for good. You are a vile creature... I can't even call you a man. Seeya.
Friday, 21 October 2011
What a horrible experience!
I went to the doctors and she immediately sent me for a blood test... she didn't examine me or anything and actually directed most of the questions to my Mum instead of me (I think she forgot that I'm 35 now and not a kid, which I was the last time she saw me. Whatever).
So, I went for the blood test... and I knew it was going to be a bad time from the beginning!
When I got there I was told to take a number... which was 280... and they were on 168! The waiting time was approx an hour and a half.
I waited patiently... and waited some more.
Finally the numbers crept up to the 270s and my nerves started to kick in... by the time 279 was called I was finding it hard to breathe. When 280 was called I went into the room and sat down on the chair... then the tourniquet was arranged and the time had come... I felt sick and when she said that she couldn't find the vein in my arm and had another go, to no avail, she said that she'd have to try the other arm! Apparently I have "wobbly veins" which means they tend to disappear (which they did when I was a kid and they had to draw the veins on with biro as whenever they tried to take blood they couldn't find the... hence my needle phobia as I was treated like a human pin cushion! 15 blood tests in one day will do that to a person, I guess).
By now I was getting panicky and just wanted to get out of the damned place! She managed to draw the blood from my left arm with no problem and I was finally free. I've never moved so fast in my life! I was out of the hospital before I knew it and I was having a hard time not breaking down and weeping. I phoned Mum and as soon as I heard her voice I just cried... at one stage I was hyperventilating just to try and keep the tears in check. Once I was back in the car I burst into tears and I was a quivering wreck! I turned on the air conditioning and managed to calm down enough to drive home. But I cried again as soon as I got in.
This is the effect that a simple, run-of-the-mill blood test has on me... because of my phobia of hypodermic syringes.
To top it all off when I tried to pull the tape off my skin (that was holding the cotton wool balls in place over the entry points) the stuff was so vicious that it actually ruptured a few blood vessels under my skin!
Anyway... I think I did quite well, in that I neither threw up nor fainted, and now I just have to wait for the results... fingers crossed there is nothing wrong with me, but in the pit of my stomach I fear there must be something to account for the problems I seem to be having lately (with my digestion, irritability, constant tiredness, soft nails and thinning hair). Time will tell.
One thing I know for certain... I will never, ever, have any tattoos or piercings... if a blood test does this, then I hate to think of the result if the needles are bigger and more painful!
So, I went for the blood test... and I knew it was going to be a bad time from the beginning!
When I got there I was told to take a number... which was 280... and they were on 168! The waiting time was approx an hour and a half.
I waited patiently... and waited some more.
Finally the numbers crept up to the 270s and my nerves started to kick in... by the time 279 was called I was finding it hard to breathe. When 280 was called I went into the room and sat down on the chair... then the tourniquet was arranged and the time had come... I felt sick and when she said that she couldn't find the vein in my arm and had another go, to no avail, she said that she'd have to try the other arm! Apparently I have "wobbly veins" which means they tend to disappear (which they did when I was a kid and they had to draw the veins on with biro as whenever they tried to take blood they couldn't find the... hence my needle phobia as I was treated like a human pin cushion! 15 blood tests in one day will do that to a person, I guess).
By now I was getting panicky and just wanted to get out of the damned place! She managed to draw the blood from my left arm with no problem and I was finally free. I've never moved so fast in my life! I was out of the hospital before I knew it and I was having a hard time not breaking down and weeping. I phoned Mum and as soon as I heard her voice I just cried... at one stage I was hyperventilating just to try and keep the tears in check. Once I was back in the car I burst into tears and I was a quivering wreck! I turned on the air conditioning and managed to calm down enough to drive home. But I cried again as soon as I got in.
This is the effect that a simple, run-of-the-mill blood test has on me... because of my phobia of hypodermic syringes.
To top it all off when I tried to pull the tape off my skin (that was holding the cotton wool balls in place over the entry points) the stuff was so vicious that it actually ruptured a few blood vessels under my skin!
Anyway... I think I did quite well, in that I neither threw up nor fainted, and now I just have to wait for the results... fingers crossed there is nothing wrong with me, but in the pit of my stomach I fear there must be something to account for the problems I seem to be having lately (with my digestion, irritability, constant tiredness, soft nails and thinning hair). Time will tell.
One thing I know for certain... I will never, ever, have any tattoos or piercings... if a blood test does this, then I hate to think of the result if the needles are bigger and more painful!
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
I've just broken my favourite mug......
... and I'm sat here in tears. It was in the shape of a pumpkin, with ivy around the rim, and I accidentally knocked it off the table and it smashed onto the floor.
I am so upset about it... I loved that cup and I can't get another one.
I'll have to do what I always do when I break cups I love and glue it back together and use it to hold pens.
I still can't believe I did it...
I am so upset about it... I loved that cup and I can't get another one.
I'll have to do what I always do when I break cups I love and glue it back together and use it to hold pens.
I still can't believe I did it...
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Moved yet more of my stuff out of my old room...
... because "they" need more space! I am so angry right now. They agreed to all of my books being in the room when they took it on, and now over time more and more of my stuff is going into my tiny room, meaning they have even more room and I have less! I now have books stacked on my floor, at the end of my bed, even outside my bedroom door! It pisses me off as it was fine when they first moved in, but now it's not... I still have no more space to put stuff, but they want it out **fumes**
The time frame of their being here has also increased, first it was roughly a year, then a year to 18 months... now it's 2-3 YEARS!! I will go insane, I know I will. Just the thought of them both here for that length of time fills me with a sense of dread that I cannot put into words (I'm not joking, either, it really does). Three years of having to hide my journals/blogs from prying eyes, three years of Pingu's "suggestions" for how to make the house better, three years of being woken up at all hours and of never ever having a good sleep when my stomach plays up as I'm always woken by them slamming drawers or stomping to the bathroom, three years of there never being any hot water to have a shower as they take it all (he had two showers yesterday and there was no hot water left for anyone else!). I will be end up writing this from an asylum or going to live with my Nan, I just know I will!
I just feel so helpless... like an invader in my own home!!
The time frame of their being here has also increased, first it was roughly a year, then a year to 18 months... now it's 2-3 YEARS!! I will go insane, I know I will. Just the thought of them both here for that length of time fills me with a sense of dread that I cannot put into words (I'm not joking, either, it really does). Three years of having to hide my journals/blogs from prying eyes, three years of Pingu's "suggestions" for how to make the house better, three years of being woken up at all hours and of never ever having a good sleep when my stomach plays up as I'm always woken by them slamming drawers or stomping to the bathroom, three years of there never being any hot water to have a shower as they take it all (he had two showers yesterday and there was no hot water left for anyone else!). I will be end up writing this from an asylum or going to live with my Nan, I just know I will!
I just feel so helpless... like an invader in my own home!!
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