My new commenting message...

... for those that may not read it before they comment!

Please feel free to leave a message, beware that I moderate all comments, so be nice. If you are just commenting in order to criticise or scold me, please don't bother as I'm not interested!! Such comments will be deleted or I will make a post out of them for everyone to see!

It is people like 'Luna Buteo' that had me remove the commenting ability here in the past. I don't need to be constantly told if people think I'm in the wrong, I'm well aware of when I am and I don't need total strangers to tell me that. Anyone would think that I'd started the scam myself instead of just documented it so that someone that has no access to it can see it. There is no way I could have found the words to describe that picture, I wouldn't know where to even begin.

It plays havoc with my anxiety issues and has me then second guessing every little thing I say or do in the future, just in case I offend someone or make them angry or upset. It makes me feel as if I'm a terrible person for merely keeping friends updated on why I'm upset in my life. Now I feel like I have to think of reasons to justify the things I post here, when I started this blog purely to help ease the stress and anxiety in my life not increase it. It doesn't feel like that now... I feel like a goldfish in a bowl that is surrounded by hungry cats... and all because people feel they have the 'right' to say things to me regarding things that don't concern them in any way.

I've reactivated the 'adult warning' on the front of this blog (as you saw when you got here) and I feel like not bothering writing anything if all people are going to do is always find the bad things and remark on them, yet ignore the good. I feel like turning commenting off, yet if I do that the one person whose comments I actually enabled commenting to receive won't be able to... what do I do *sigh*

I got an answer to my question/Gem at the vets

It seems that because I've already switched the name back to the free host that my blog should be safe... I just hope that come March the person that answered wasn't wrong!



Has anyone else noticed that when you take an animal to the vet that you end up looking a complete liar? We had to take our old cat today as her claws on her front paws had grown so long that they were digging into her paw pads and making her feet bleed! It's a problem that should have been obvious earlier, but for the fact that Gem hates contact with people except on her terms... and even then it's just the odd head scratch. We all thought that her walking a bit stiff lately was due to her being 19 years old and having arthritis in her legs... well, it wasn't, it was because of her claws. Having a cat hiss and spit at you if you get too close has a way of making you keep your distance lol. It was only when Mum noticed that her right paw was bleeding slightly that we made an appointment for her at the vets yesterday (once our landline was fixed on Thursday, after we noticed the bleeding on Wednesday).

So we took her to the vets, with all the attendant moaning and meowing in the car on the way there, and the vet just picked her up out of the pet carrier (we have never been able to pick her up without a virtual fight... which we lose!) and the vet was stroking her and touching her back near her tail straight away... it took us about three years before Gem trusted us enough to let anyone stroke her properly (from head to end of tail!)

They tried to cut her claws whilst we were waiting outside, but because they were quite bad when they did the first couple and the pads on the right paw started to bleed quite heavily, poor Gem just got really distressed so they asked for permission to sedate her and carry on. I readily gave consent for that, even with the warning that it could carry the complication of her reacting badly and passing away. What could I do? I couldn't just let her have painful and possibly infected feet for the rest of her life... so we had no choice but to leave her there and come home again.

It was 2pm yesterday before we phoned and got the good news that Gem was fine and up and awake (although still wobbly from the sedation) and we could go back and get her :o)

She looked a bit of a state, bless her, with both paws done up in little feline boxing gloves and the fur on her back legs shaved (because it was matted where she's unable to wash herself properly because of her age... it has only been in the past few months that she has allowed me anywhere near her with a brush!)

Anyway, all is well now, and she has to go back on Monday to have her dressings looked at... although the sneaky moo has already pulled off the left paw one and Mum had to loosen the tape on the right one as Gem wouldn't settle with it and kept trying to get that one off, too. Seeing as that is the worse of the two feet we want to keep that one covered for as long as possible. Mum phoned and asked if it was ok for her to pull the dressing off and was told that as long as there is not very heavy bleeding it's fine and not to worry as cats heal really quickly. If the bleeding gets too bad we are to phone their switchboard and they will give us the address of the 24 hour emergency premises.

We have the lovely job of trying to get antibiotic tablets into Gem starting from Sunday, twice a day, just to make sure that her feet heal properly... but apart from that she should be fine. They were happy with her weight, and her teeth are in good condition for a cat her age (nothing rotting or needing treatment, which is good news). We have to pop out tomorrow and get a special grooming mitt so that we can brush her properly... but it's a small price to pay to have her with us for as long as possible.

I'm getting nervous now...

... as I have an appointment at the doctors tomorrow to see if they can find a reason for the problems I'm having lately. My joints are aching, I'm constantly tired, I have digestive problems, my skin is always itchy, I'm always cold and my hair is becoming quite thin. All of these are symptoms of an under-active thyroid and I'm really hoping it's not that... but the only way to find out is to have a blood test, and I'm petrified of needles - just thinking about it makes me feel shivery and sick.

Fingers crossed that it's nothing serious, I don't want to have to be on medication for life (which would be the case in the case of the under-active thyroid). I guess time will tell.

When will the pain stop?

I now have a new, and vastly more intense pain in my arm, where it meets my shoulder near my armpit... when I lean forwards too far I get a feeling like I'm being stabbed (not that I've ever been stabbed, I'm guessing about that one).

Instead of the steady, deep burning in the rest of my arm, the new pain is sharp, intense and takes my breath away (and also gets me sort of jumping to attention as standing straight is the only way to stop it, though there is a shadow of pain always lingering there!)

I just don't know what to do. I loathe the prospect of going back to our useless doctor, but I don't think I'm going to have much choice if this doesn't ease soon!

I'm so very nervous!

We have a woman from OFSTED coming to see us at 2pm... it's to do with looking after G. As he's only 3 I have to keep some kind of diary about his day, observing him and progress he makes, what I do with him, where we go, places I'm planning on taking him, what he eats, etc. I have no clue in how to write this daft thing, so that is the point of the visit. Apparently it also has courses that need to be attended about it (that is how complex it is, it has dedicated courses explaining the crappy thing!) Plus, we are also overdue for an inspection... so the woman will no doubt arrange for one of those, too.

Just how I'm meant to fill in a diary and also look after him at the same time, I have no clue!

That is why I said I didn't want to take on any under fives... because the sheer amount of paperwork is mad. Looks like I was right - I was hoping I was wrong  **sad face*

News about updates

Sissy is currently home from uni and as such I don't feel safe in posting entries at present (she has a volatile temper and doesn't know about this blog and I can't risk her walking in and finding out that I have this site... she's very nosey and I don't want her reading it - neither does she know about my written journal for the very same reason!)

Will update properly in about a weeks' time, once she is back in Brighton and can't walk into the room and read things over my shoulder... or find a tab that I forgot to close and find something about herself and then start an argument **sigh**

For those that care... watch this space :)

How damn wrong is THIS?!

First off, a little bit of back story:

Last year we cared for two girls, I'll call them Belle and Zandri... they lived in a nice three bedroom house (granted one of the rooms was a box room, but anyway). They moved into a big six bedroom house, bought by their parents and grandmother (whose house was in Somerset) selling both of their houses and pooling the money to get a bigger place for them all to live in. The girls left us as the Gran said that she'd take over taking them to school (we were sad, but kids come and go). All good so far.

Moving on to today:

The Grandmother has a new boyfriend (who moved in with them all a month after they moved in themselves!!) and is talking about buying a house with him as "it could be my last chance at love"... meaning that she's going to want the money from the sale of her house. Problem being that the money was used to buy the six bedroom place that her family are currently living in... meaning that the house would have to be sold in order for her to have her money back, so that she and the new bloke could buy a house together back in Somerset... meaning that her daughter, son-in-law and two granddaughters would be effectively homeless until they could find something to buy with the money that is left from the house sale (assuming that the house could be sold in the current economic climate, and assuming they could find a house big enough for the four of them and their stuff with the money that was left as London house prices are rising again).

I know that the Gran pressured them into the sale in the first place, using the old "I want to retire and don't want to be alone, I've fallen once recently and want to be around people that could help me if it ever happened again, I really want to spend the rest of my days with the people I love" spiel. So after she managed to get her own way she's suddenly decided that as she has a new man it's all got to change! She wants to go out whenever she pleases (which is the reason that I've had to rearrange the kids here so that I can go and get her granddaughters as she has had a better offer from "loverboy"... luckily it was possible as Wednesday is the day that E is collected by her Grandad anyway, and Mum is able to get the bus to get the two boys). Even so, they left on the premise that she would take care of the kids, and now I'm having to try and pick up the slack that she is leaving (granted I don't have to, but I just can't sit by and see nice people that I care about treated in such a bad way, by the very woman that took away my job in the first place!)

I just don't understand what the woman is thinking?! Why would you uproot your family from a house they loved, and move them to a place that is strange to them, where they have no friends, which means that your grandkids are going to have to leave the people they have known all their lives, to change your mind less than a year later... I just do not understand that, I really don't! Mum spoke to the Mum of the girls (I'll call her Cat) this morning, and she is worried sick all the time about what is going to happen in the future regarding her home and her family. The girls' Dad (I'll call him Orly) is off work sick today, and it would never surprise me if it was this whole situation that is causing at least some of it. I just think that the Grandmother is a total bitch and she has to rank as one of the most selfish women I've ever met... so much for "being with the family I love". I'm equally disgusted by the Grandmother and devastated for the people that are too nice to be treated in this way by their own mother-figure!

What a great role model for young girls... do whatever is right for yourself and fuck everyone else!

**edited to add**

When I took Belle home, "Granny" was still there!! (and so was the boyfriend, James, and very posh he sounded, too). So why the hell did I have to go and get Belle, why couldn't she have got her? She wasn't dressed up in any way (as she would be if she'd been going somewhere nice, the past has proved this, very modest and prim!), so I'm wondering just why I had to do it??!!

Oh dear...

... Katie has left. Her Mum rang this morning to tell us that she won't be back. I'm not sure if we are getting our months' notice or not... Katie's Mum is not the easiest person to understand, between a mixture of talking quietly, quickly and with a very heavy accent, Mum can't be sure of what she actually said.

I am relieved on one hand, as it will make my school run with the boys all the more easy... but there is the money side of things to consider, too.

Add to that the fact that Kyah might also be leaving, and the good news about the car has just been countered by the bad news received today **sigh** Nothing is definite yet, we are waiting for Kyah's Mum to come in this afternoon and tell us what is going on with her job (if she knows).

I am not going to worry about it though (my saying that is a sure sign that I am worrying, by the way... I'm just writing it down in the hope that I'll do it!!)... PMA: Positive Mental Attitude (I really should try that one day soon!)... I must admit when I worry about things I make myself utterly miserable, but I can't get rid of the butterfly feeling in my stomach, which is a sure sign that I'm nervous about it all - and probably will be until I know where I stand.

I knew things were going too well lately (there I go with them negative thoughts again! hehe)

Happy New Year!!!

Or not!

Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).

I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).

So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)

All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).

We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)

There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.

I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**

SHIT!!!

Think my car is going wrong... again!! There is still clouds of white smoke belching out of the back whenever I drive it! It can be so bad that I can't see the road behind me (and it must be like driving in fog for those poor unfortunates behind me, and for all of the pedestrians on the pavement!) I'm surprised that I've not been stopped by the police, and I don't think I want to carry on driving it at the moment... it's so embarrassing (not to mention dreadful for the environment **sigh**). I'm seriously thinking about getting the kids on the bus, the only problem being that the buses are not coming down my road at the moment (the bottom of the road is closed, without any warning, I might add!)

I must admit that ever since I've been driving people have taken advantage of the fact that I can! We only used to go to local schools before I drove, but as soon as I passed people started to just assume they could send their kids to any school as I could go and get them in the car (even though they didn't want to pay me for going and getting them, diesel etc)

We are going to call the mechanic that my uncle recommended to us (the guy that came round last time) and see if he can find the problem... it's been said to be everything from too much oil to the piston rings wearing out (which would be as expensive as buying a new engine, which would mean getting rid of the car!)

Add to that the fact that I have a cold that is getting worse by the day (got a sore throat now and I keep losing my voice... thank the gods for Lockets, LOL!), and the kids are playing up something chronic (if I never hear the name Ben again it will be too soon!!) Also one of the Mum's came in tonight and said that her work are messing her about with her shifts (she's a Community Support Officer with the Police), and they are giving her stupid shifts like 4pm-Midnight and 2pm-10pm... she is a single Mum of three and cannot do those kinds of hours all the time as she's expected to do! Part of me is happy at the thought of Kyah going (she winds the others up and is also a compulsive liar, though she can be funny), but another part of me would miss the money, although we would find a way to live without it.

Am now watching the news... I need to see stories about people that are far worse than I am (I need to gain some perspective right about now!!)

Damn! I was so scared then!!

My Mum fell over today. She fell off of our large settee whilst putting up our festive decorations and landed on her face, arm and chest! Her nose was bleeding and she'd pushed her teeth through her bottom lip, she'd hurt her arm and her neck and for a few seconds I was in a total panic as to what to do!

Me and Dad got her up off the floor and after a few minutes she started to look very bad, she was shaking, very wobbly on her feet and had trouble thinking straight. I said about calling an ambulance, but she said no, so I took her straight to the hospital and while she was there she started to perk up a bit (much to my relief). After two and a half hours we were able to come home and there appears to be nothing seriously wrong... there are a few minor things, but nothing that needed stitches, bandages, plaster casts or having to stay in overnight. Also there was no sign of any head trauma or concussion, which was my biggest worry... I've seen programmes where people have suffered head injuries and died as a result, so just to have that ruled out is a great relief!

We have to go back tomorrow to the fracture clinic as the doctor wasn't happy with her right elbow and wants them to have a more detailed look at it, but seeing as she fell from about four feet, straight down, I suppose that she was fairly lucky to get away with a possibly broken nose, a split lip, a cracked rib, a jarred neck and possibly a fractured elbow (to be confirmed tomorrow). She got some painkillers and a foam collar and cuff for her arm and we came home... in record time, too (in the past we have waited longer than the total time it took today just to be seen, so I'm grateful that more people were careful this weekend, LOL).

I have to say that I was so frightened when I found her laying on the floor... one of my greatest fears is losing my parents, although I realize one day I will have to face that fear, just not anytime in the near future if possible. I need them more than I ever realized.

Poor Joshie.

To all who may be reading this blog.

Could I please ask for some healing thoughts for the 15 year old severely autistic guy I look after, please? He's just been admitted to hospital with pneumonia in both lungs and somehow the doctors are going to have to get an IV line into him in order to administer the antibiotics to fight the pneumonia, which could mean they have to sedate him for the whole time

Any thoughts/energies/prayers would be greatly appreciated... his name is Joshua.

Thank you.