Just under an hour until we kiss goodbye to 2011.

I can honestly say that I won't be sad to see the back of it!

As years go it has to rate somewhere in my top five worst years.Most of my stress has been caused by work, the lack of it, the complete soul-destroying dismissal of everything I have done for the parents of the kids I've had for years (and not just me, either, but Mum, too). We had three kids leave (two of them siblings) and we got not one thank you card or remote show of gratitude for approx 6 years work with one little girl and almost 18 months with the siblings! Not even a bunch of flowers, nothing, nada, zip!!

Then I found out a few weeks ago that my aunt and uncle had scattered my Nana's ashes without even telling anyone! She lived with us here for 23 years and we find out when they come round to give us a xmas pudding that they scattered her in May, in a place that charges an entrance fee (Wakehurst Place in Sussex)... and they didn't even ask us to go, even though they had often talked about us doing that as a family, where my Grandad was scattered! I was so angry I could have hit them both! Unfeeling and selfish pair! A small part of me will never forgive them for doing that, for unilaterally deciding that no one else had a right to be there, apart from them, there daughter and one grand daughter (the very people who didn't give a damn when she was alive and that only stepped in once she was dead!)

Add that together with all of the other little things that have added up over the months (like my digestive troubles, ill health, arguments, sad news, dating site disasters and general crap) and 2011 was not one of the best years I've ever had :o(




Anyway, to all those that are reading this I'd like to wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year, filled with blessings, good health and love :o)

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

Peter Steele is dead!

I just found out, and it happened about two weeks ago!

He was the lead singer of one of my favourite bands, Type O Negative, and I'm so shocked to hear about him dying :(

It's kind of thrown me at the moment as he wasn't old (late forties or early fifties I think, don't know off-hand). Some reports are saying about it being heart failure, but his family are not releasing any details about his passing yet.

He even re-converted to his native Roman Catholicism before his death (as he seemed to be afraid of the nothingness that was the lot of the atheists that he was one of for many years). Poor guy, he sounded totally conflicted and depressed regarding his faith... I just wish him the peace in death that eluded him in life.

RIP, Pete. Safe journey :(

(eta... on checking out Wikipedia it said that he died on 14th April and he was 48).