Hospitals are such depressing places...

... and when the person you're visiting is a depressing person the experience is doubly soul destroying :o(

My Nan has suffered from two small and one medium stroke and has been in hospital for three weeks now. She seems to be getting worse instead of better and is content to just fester in her bed without putting even minimal effort into getting better and going home (although she is very vocal about what's not going to happen!) Three different women have been discharged from her ward since she was admitted, but all she is prepared to do when asked to do anything - regardless how small - is say "I can't" without even trying *sigh*

It's sad to watch someone just give up... I know she's 89 but to see a woman formerly so robust sit in bed and wet and soil herself without caring just drains me (of energy and also patience). Demoralising isn't the word :o(

Sorry to be a bit of a downer, I just don't know what to say to her anymore to make a difference. I've been gentle, harsh, kind, cruel, sharp, cajoling, patient, impatient - and now I just don't know what to say to her. My visits involve me sitting in a chair in virtual silence once the subjects of her meals, my meals, the journey, the weather, the other people in the ward and whether anyone has phoned to ask how she is, have been discussed. She doesn't like people laughing or making jokes and is quick to scold those that do with "it's not funny" or "don't laugh" and the way it's said quickly wipes any smiles away. Luckily I'm not alone during visits as Mum and Dad are with me, sometimes my youngest uncle, too, when he get get away from work. Without them all there as well I would probably go barmy!

I just worry how all this will affect my Dad (who suffers from depression himself). In turn that makes me anxious and nervous which doesn't help my digestive system which is not strong at the best of times. Mum is suffering from stress as well and for the first time in years the eczema on her legs has flared up and it looks like her leg ulcer could be returning as well (she's desperately trying to stop that before it starts). The extra walking is beginning to hurt Dad as he suffers from dreadful arthritis (and I swear the dreadfully uncomfy chairs are responsible for my current back pain).

We used to visit every day, but there seems little point if there is no positive change. Now we go every other day so that Dad can rest himself (and most 'off' days he spends asleep as it just takes so much out of him).

All told I just feel a bit dejected at the moment.

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

Moved yet more of my stuff out of my old room...

... because "they" need more space! I am so angry right now. They agreed to all of my books being in the room when they took it on, and now over time more and more of my stuff is going into my tiny room, meaning they have even more room and I have less! I now have books stacked on my floor, at the end of my bed, even outside my bedroom door! It pisses me off as it was fine when they first moved in, but now it's not... I still have no more space to put stuff, but they want it out  **fumes**

The time frame of their being here has also increased, first it was roughly a year, then a year to 18 months... now it's 2-3 YEARS!! I will go insane, I know I will. Just the thought of them both here for that length of time fills me with a sense of dread that I cannot put into words (I'm not joking, either, it really does). Three years of having to hide my journals/blogs from prying eyes, three years of Pingu's "suggestions" for how to make the house better, three years of being woken up at all hours and of never ever having a good sleep when my stomach plays up as I'm always woken by them slamming drawers or stomping to the bathroom, three years of there never being any hot water to have a shower as they take it all (he had two showers yesterday and there was no hot water left for anyone else!). I will be end up writing this from an asylum or going to live with my Nan, I just know I will!

I just feel so helpless... like an invader in my own home!!

I'm so very nervous!

We have a woman from OFSTED coming to see us at 2pm... it's to do with looking after G. As he's only 3 I have to keep some kind of diary about his day, observing him and progress he makes, what I do with him, where we go, places I'm planning on taking him, what he eats, etc. I have no clue in how to write this daft thing, so that is the point of the visit. Apparently it also has courses that need to be attended about it (that is how complex it is, it has dedicated courses explaining the crappy thing!) Plus, we are also overdue for an inspection... so the woman will no doubt arrange for one of those, too.

Just how I'm meant to fill in a diary and also look after him at the same time, I have no clue!

That is why I said I didn't want to take on any under fives... because the sheer amount of paperwork is mad. Looks like I was right - I was hoping I was wrong  **sad face*

I feel dreadful...

... my throat is burning, my nose is blocked and also running (make up your mind!), my body aches and I've had four hours sleep since I woke up on Wednesday! All I've felt like doing is read, but with the house looking like a rubbish tip I've had no choice but to do as much as I can.

I just wish my throat would stop hurting... it makes breathing painful, and for some reason lately whenever I catch something it always goes straight to my throat and voice box and I end up either losing my voice completely or else I end up with a voice so husky and gravelly that I sound like Barry White!!

Bugger Pingu for bringing his rotten germs into the house and infecting us all... all five of us have something wrong with us because of all of the coughing and sneezing that he did earlier in the week... you'd think that tissues had never been invented the way he was carrying on... not even putting his hand over his mouth - just coughing and covering as much airspace around him (and also anyone in it) as possible... splendid!

I wonder if I'm developing insomnia? I seem to have real trouble getting to sleep lately. I have nothing important on my mind... no imminent threats of any kind regarding money or other stuff... to be frank I couldn't give a toss about that kind of thing these days, all of my past worrying got me nowhere so why bother? The only thing that sets me off is if we have trouble with our mortgage... I can handle everything except the thought of being homeless, lol!

Maybe it's having two other people in the house... and two very noisy ones at that! Housework seems never ending with them here now... no sooner has the washing up been done than there are plates and cups back in the sink **sigh** and don't even get me started on the laundry! In the past three days the poor washing machine has had to cope with six loads of washing... and we have a very large capacity drum on our machine, too. I wouldn't mind so much, but they are 19 and 24 years old, so they are not babies, but apart from making mess they always seem to conveniently disappear when it's time to clear it up!

**Deep sigh** I suppose I am just in a bit of a grumpy mood, what with feeling crap and also the lack of sleep... I just feel sort of - overwhelmed, somehow... and I get the distinct impression sometimes that this house is not my own anymore... I can't really put my finger on it... I just really miss the quiet and can't get used to the seemingly constant smell of garlic that is pervading the house from all of the curries and junk food that they both eat! (one good thing about having a blocked nose is that I am spared having to endure the offensive whiff... or maybe my cutting all alliums from my diet, which includes both onions and garlic, makes me more sensitive to their odour?)

I'm going to shut up moaning now and see about trying to get some sleep... I think I am going to be needed in my capacity as chauffeur later today... and I don't like driving tired... I find falling asleep at the wheel not conducive to living a long and mediocre life (I would say happy life, but just lately I don't feel very happy! hehe).

Why do bunged up noses always seem to get worse at night? Just when you need to be able to breathe properly you suddenly can't!!

Think I'll pull the curtains back and stare at the beautiful half moon I can see until I fall asleep...

We are getting the new car...

... I have to go and collect it next Wednesday between 10.30 and 11am!!

I should be excited, but I just can't be... it seems too good to be true, and until I actually have the keys in my hand and drive the car away it won't actually sink in. So many times in the past I've got all excited about things, only for them to never happen, so I think it's best if I let the inner pessimist loose (just this once) and not get my hopes up.

We also had the MedEquip people round this morning, delivering some of the things that the occupational health visitor suggested Dad might need... some of the things are dumb, like the seat for sitting in the bath that sits on the top of the bath meaning that nothing but your feet are in the water, or that if you're having a shower because there is no way to get the shower curtain under the thing, that the water will just pour down the shower curtain and the outside of the bath and make the floor all wet! The only good about it is that if you were having a shower it would give you a place to sit down if you needed to, but my Dad has the shortest showers, ever... he considers anything over five minutes as long, so I can't see the point of it! They are coming back tomorrow to put leg extenders on the chairs in the back room (so that it's easier for him to get up out of the chairs), but then again he rarely sits in there anymore, so again I can't really see the point... and if they are not able to take my weight that means that I can't sit in them (which is stupid as I sit in them more than he does!). They gave him a grabbing thing for picking stuff up, which is rubbish as my Nana had one, and we sent it back, but the one thing that he does need (**TMI ALERT** something to help him clean himself after he has a poo, as he cannot reach anymore and it's a real struggle for him), they know nothing about! So much for that, then **sigh**

I feel quite strange today... sort of unsettled about something, I can't really put my finger on it... there is just something not quite right. Maybe it's because I got up late and I feel all off kilter, time wise. I'm used to getting up and going for a walk in the morning, but this morning as it was so cold (and the cold air really affects my seasonal asthma and makes me cough and feel as if I have something constricting my chest) Mum let me stay in bed. I wish that I'd got up now, my back is killing me and I think I was having a weird dream, but I can't remember it. This head cold has also brought back the low pitched humming in my right ear, which is really annoying... even when there is silence I still have the humming, in fact the quieter it is, the louder the humming seems to get!

Even the grey of the sky is starting to piss me off... I can honestly say that I can't wait for spring this year. Even for just a day of sunshine or failing that just a hint of blue sky... it would make all the difference. Everything just seems so dismal and boring... there doesn't seem to be any life to see anywhere, when all is so ashen and bare. Everything seems so dark and depressing. I can see why people get depressed in winter or suffer from SAD, I'm just fed up with it now, I can't imagine what it must be like to be actually deeply affected by it for months on end. Anyone that is has by complete sympathy!

Happy New Year!!!

Or not!

Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).

I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).

So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)

All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).

We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)

There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.

I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**

CRAP!!!!

I have a nasty feeling that my car is going to need a new exhaust very soon! It's making a very strange noise... a noise that I don't like one little bit, a sort of whistling noise and also it sounds very chuggy all of a sudden at the rear of the car.

It started on Monday and has got steadliy louder all week... how splendid! I have no idea how I'll pay for that as I still haven't been paid yet, plus I have no idea how much something like that will cost, though knowing my luck it will be so steep it will look vertical!! LOL.

Must phone the garage tomorrow and get the bad news **sigh**

Damn! I was so scared then!!

My Mum fell over today. She fell off of our large settee whilst putting up our festive decorations and landed on her face, arm and chest! Her nose was bleeding and she'd pushed her teeth through her bottom lip, she'd hurt her arm and her neck and for a few seconds I was in a total panic as to what to do!

Me and Dad got her up off the floor and after a few minutes she started to look very bad, she was shaking, very wobbly on her feet and had trouble thinking straight. I said about calling an ambulance, but she said no, so I took her straight to the hospital and while she was there she started to perk up a bit (much to my relief). After two and a half hours we were able to come home and there appears to be nothing seriously wrong... there are a few minor things, but nothing that needed stitches, bandages, plaster casts or having to stay in overnight. Also there was no sign of any head trauma or concussion, which was my biggest worry... I've seen programmes where people have suffered head injuries and died as a result, so just to have that ruled out is a great relief!

We have to go back tomorrow to the fracture clinic as the doctor wasn't happy with her right elbow and wants them to have a more detailed look at it, but seeing as she fell from about four feet, straight down, I suppose that she was fairly lucky to get away with a possibly broken nose, a split lip, a cracked rib, a jarred neck and possibly a fractured elbow (to be confirmed tomorrow). She got some painkillers and a foam collar and cuff for her arm and we came home... in record time, too (in the past we have waited longer than the total time it took today just to be seen, so I'm grateful that more people were careful this weekend, LOL).

I have to say that I was so frightened when I found her laying on the floor... one of my greatest fears is losing my parents, although I realize one day I will have to face that fear, just not anytime in the near future if possible. I need them more than I ever realized.

What a strange experience!

(long entry... sorry)


I was talking to two christians yesterday (which in this case was a bad idea) and the topic was other religions and of course the topic shifted to talk of my burning in hell for all eternity because of my refusal to accept Jesus! One poster there was only 15 and another one chimed in and the tone of their posts really upset me in the end and I got quite scared about what they were saying (mind you it was 3am, I was tired and alone and they caught me by surprise with their tag-team posting!).

Anyway... in the end I had to turn off the computer as I was getting quite panicky (never happened to me before) and I thought to myself "what if they're right and I do go to hell!" I don't even believe in the place and I was getting totally freaked out! So weird! So I close down the kitchen (lock the door, check the windows, change the cats' water, etc) and I go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. Now, normally just thinking of Selene would calm me down and make me feel better, but last night it didn't, if anything it seemed to add to my panic.

I was sat on the loo (sorry, I know, tmi!) brushing my teeth and trying to distract myself by reading a book (and failing dismally) when I heard a bird singing outside. Now that's not too strange around here, I hear birds all the time (even at 3am as we have bright lights on the motorway) but this was a bird that I'd never heard before, and as it was chirping away, a name just popped into my head "Ceridwen" and from then on I could almost hear this bird singing "Ce-rid-wen" when it was chirping. Now I've glanced briefly at the Welsh/Celtic Pantheon, but nothing more than that (the prounounciation always put me off), so why it should be the name of Ceridwen that calmed me right down and filled me with a feeling of tranquility, I have no idea, and I still don't?! I looked her up in my mythology book and the scant info I had said that she was a fertility goddess, and then mentioned about her brewing a potion of knowledge for her ugly son, but someone else drank it so she ate him and he later became the bard, Taliesin (or something like that, I was really tired by this point, and I haven't looked for more info before writing this).

After a few minutes I was feeling back to normal, and the birdsong seemed to get louder for an instant, and then it was gone... and it hasn't returned. I don't even know which bird it was, although I know what it wasn't (not crow, pigeon, magpie, starling, collared dove, blue tit or jay, as we have them on the birdtable, and I know their songs and chirps quite well). It just seemed so strange to hear a new birdsong when I was in such need of reassurance, and then once I was calm and telling myself what an idiot I was for being spooked by those people, it made me aware for an instant with an increase of volume, and then it was gone. I would know the song if I heard it again, although I cannot describe it (as I'm rubbish at doing animal impressions).

I know it's not unheard of for people to be drawn to gods from different pantheons, but I was so sure about Selene, yet today I feel nothing for her... she is just another Greek god, and I feel really sad about that... could I have been wrong about having her as my patron all along? Or was she just there to guide me into my craftwork and now her job is done and I am free to explore other things? I feel a little bereft, to tell the truth, and I don't know what to do now! If I'd been asked yesterday which god was "mine" I would have had no hesitation in answering, Selene... but ask me now and I have not a clue **sigh**

Finally Samhain

I do hope that the new year is going to better than the last one! It's not off to a very good start as I have to take my car in for its MOT at 12.30 this afternoon... dreading that, I really am, I just have a terrible feeling that it will fail! But then I think that every year, and it has only failed once in five years (last year).

I really should stop being so pessimistic about things... but then if I prepare for the worst I am rarely shocked by bad news, so maybe it's my way of protecting myself from undue harm (weird, but it seems to work for me, LOL!!)


I had a migraine yesterday, which is no doubt because of all of the subconscious stress I've been under this last week... what with not being paid, having to work when I thought I'd got a week off, worrying about the car, the interview that I was dreading and also the MOT and not being able to pay the mortgage yet (as I haven't been paid) and all in all it's not been a good week for me here (which is an understatement to say the least!!)

Anyway... I'm going to see about having a nice long sleep, and I'm hopefully not going to be getting up before about 11am in the morning... the garage is only a ten minute walk away, so takes about two minutes in the car... it's just the waiting and not knowing that bothers me... I can usually handle most things, once I know what they are, hehehe!


Finger crossed!

Not liking the sound of this... not at all!

The mum came for the interview (the one with the daughter with 'suspected' ADHD, nothing comfirmed after all... the tests are being done on her now) and she made the little girl out to be like something from hell! Apparently, the child does whatever she wants, she has no fear of any punishment (time-out, smacks, blackmail ie. be good or you won't get...), she's destructive, rude, insolent, has no respect, and never does as she's told... ever! She also doesn't respond well to praise and as soon as you praise her for doing something well or for being good, within half an hour she's doing or done something to spoil it again.

They are both coming back to see us next Wednesday at midday (as it's a school holiday)... I am dreading it, to be honest, and part of me wishes that we'd never phoned her back (LOL!)

I'm just no good with kids that don't do as they're told... probably because we've always had bigger kids that have been with us since they were babies, so it's never been an issue before. Or maybe because we are being forced by our current financial bind to take in the kids that before we would have refused... I just don't know. All I do know is that this job has become like a millstone around my neck that I am forced to bear the weight of, in order for me and my parents to have a house to live in and food on the table (not to mention be able to pay our bills!). These days I do this job as I am forced to, and certainly not because I want to! The only time I seem to be happy or feel joy is when they go home (and I'm sure that I shouldn't feel that way). Such a shame, as I used to really like doing this, and at one stage I loved it... sadly, those days are long in the past and all I have is memories.

Still heard nothing...

... it's just so damn freaky!

My mind has been spinning with all sorts of reasons as to why she never arrived or even phoned to say what the problem is... did she have a accident of some sort? Did she have some other kind of emergency and she had to rush off? Did she think that it was next Friday and not today? Did her current minder agree to change the way she's looking after the baby, so she decided to stay there, after all? Was she not a real parent looking for a place at all, but some sort of plant from OFSTED checking up on their minders?

I just wish that I knew... Mum has contacted her many times, but has got no reply of any kind. I just have no idea what to do now ***stumped***

I suppose the biggest questions is... would we still want to take her after this anyway?

Not too bad...

... and after being called back to work suddenly and having to cut the interview short, she is coming back today and bringing the little one with her at about 11am.
I feel an utter bitch in that we lied to the woman with the girl with ADHD and told her that the place had gone! Ben was such a nightmare today (he ended up getting a timeout, he was so bad) and just the thought of having two of him in the house (and the little girl has been diagnosed with ADHD, and she can be really bad, her Mum said) filled me with dread!! That, and the fact that we'd have to go to four different schools daily, me at two, and Mum at two, me driving, Mum walking... and I suddenly thought that at 60 Mum shouldn't be having to do all of the walking, especially as it is all hills (and her knees are starting to get a bit dodgy, if I'm honest).
Sure, the money would have been nice, but just the idea of having a kid in that is destructive, as her Mum said she can be, and I thought NO! I'd rather have less money and have the house in one piece. The other thing that put me off was the prospect of having to work until 8pm again... we've only just had a girl leave that sometimes didn't leave until 9-9.30pm, and I hated it... when are you supposed to eat?! We used to work nasty hours when Josh was here full time, and we said after he switched to part-time that we wouldn't do it again, and we ended up having to... sometimes, though, you have to really think about things and do what's best for your family, and working until that time is not good, especially for my Dad - he's on medication that has to be taken at regular intervals, with meals, and we weren't getting proper meals as it's too late to start cooking at 9pm, plus we were then too tired to eat them if I did manage it LOL!!
I suppose on reading it back, it does sound as if I'm making excuses for not wanting the little girl, and maybe I am, but I've had my share of violent and aggressive kids in the past, and I've been there, and done that and so has Mum (and we have the scars and broken possessions to prove it!) We even go to schools that once upon a time we refused to go to as they are too far away. We used to go to two school that were both within walking distance and with the two of us, it was do-able. Then Belle started school three miles away, and a girl started that had to be picked up the same time as another little girl, and I had to start using the car, and then another girl started at another school and then the boys at yet another school... and it's just a nightmare, but we couldn't say no, as we needed the money. We currently go to three schools (well, we will when Katie comes back from holiday) and you add a baby to the mix, and then another school, and... I don't think so!!
These days, as long as we have enough money to pay our bills, with a little spare for a few luxuries every once in a while, that is good enough for me... my tastes have really simplified, and I'm happy with the odd dvd or music download from amazon.
Anyway, I'm off to bed, to have a lay in in the morning (WOOHOO!!)
I do still feel a total bitch, though, especially as the woman sounded so disappointed when she was told... oh well, too late for guilt now 8-{  **sigh**

I'm dreading 1 o'clock!

We have an interview for a baby... and I really don't want a baby again (so much more work, especially paperwork) but the money would come in really handy. I just am so used to dealing with bigger kids, and I'm not very keen on babies, to be honest.

Then on Friday we have another interview for an eight year old girl that has just been diagnosed with ADHD! Am seriously not looking forward to that one! It's bad enough that we already have a four year old that seems to have problems (all he ever wants is his Dad, never does as he's asked, is rude, difficult to control, etc) but to add someone probably worse than him to the mix is probably asking for mega trouble! Kind of like throwing petrol on a fire!!

What's the betting that because we really don't want either, they both say they want to come, LOL! How typical would that be?!?! We really can't say no, though... beggars can't be choosers, and all that.

In my next life I'm gonna work with either plants or animals, it has to be better than working with kids (it sure as hell has to be more rewarding and less crappy!)

Ever get the feeling...

... that something's wrong, but you just can't put your finger on what it is? That's how I feel at the moment. I'm not worrying about anything (well, not that I'm aware of), but I still feel as if something is not quite right.

I have a strange feeling, almost as if I'm being watched, not in real life, but online. Nothing has happened, and I'm probably being silly, but it's how I feel... unsettled somehow (it's difficult to explain **sigh**).

Maybe it's to do with the head cold that I'm only just starting to get over. I've had it nearly a week, and I just can't get it to go. I'm on echinacea pills, honey and lemon, I'm getting enough fluids and sleep, same for fresh air... but I still feel as if someone has conked me on the head with a mallet! I was out food shopping today and I felt almost like I was in a walking dream state... if I'd woken up and still been in bed I wouldn't have been suprised, it was totally surreal.

Now I've given the dreaded virus to Mum, too (I feel really guilty about that) so she has to go through all of the nastiness that I've just experienced! Splendid!! My voice also sounds croaky and quite creepy, too, and sometimes just gives out altogether... not good when you need a voice to deal with unruly kids!