Why I thoroughly dislike Christmas

It isn't the over commercialization of the holiday. Or the fact that shops will try and beat you into submission by taking one day and throwing it at you in a barrage that lasts for six weeks before it arrives. It is because of an event that happened the day after it occurs.

My beloved maternal grandmother died on December 26th 2006. I adored her and she had lived with my parents and me for over 23 years. It was the first time I had ever lost someone in my family that I was close to, and that I loved deeply. It had, and still has, a profound effect on me. I've been in a state of mourning since that day and I probably always will be. The regrets of all the things I didn't ask or say haunt me and part of me cannot forgive myself for not being there when she died (Mum and I were on our way to collect more clothes and toiletries when we got a call telling us to come back to the hospital as soon as possible... by the time we got back she had slipped away).

The onset of the colder months fills me with dread. The rest of the year I'm ok, I can remember and not get weepy... but the closer it gets to December the more I can feel myself tensing up somehow. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I just can't help it. Believe it or not the new year is the worst. We all used to stay up late to see it in together and a lady up the road always rings a bell to see the old year out and the new year in - Mum and I go outside to listen and when I wish Nana a happy new year I always cry, then I set Mum off and we end up hugging each other and listening to the bell, standing outside in the cold. I just can't seem to help it. It only lasts a minute or two, but losing her still hurts so much. When people say that time heals, it doesn't. Time just moves forward and carries you along with it. You can either allow it to push you forwards or you can fight it and try to cling on to the past for as long as you can... eventually it will sweep you forwards whether you like it or not. We never get over losing people... we just become more and more used to them not being there anymore :0(

As memories fade, the feelings seem to lessen as well and that allows us to cope with everyday life. But the loss is still there, it may be buried deep inside, but it is still there. Maybe not as raw, maybe not as shocking, but still there, waiting for something to trigger it off... a smell, a sound, a look, a time of year... one day it will happen and the grief washes over you again in massive choking waves of pain and heartbreak. Tears flow and nothing you can do will stop them, they have to come out or they will drown you and burst forth when you least expect them to. It makes you want to crawl into bed and squeeze yourself into a tiny ball and you wish for sleep so that for a few short hours you can forget. Upon waking you have a few seconds of exquisite happiness when you are not awake enough to remember... but then you do, and sorrow smashes down upon you like a ton weight and you drag yourself out of bed and try and face the day with a brain full of sadness and a heart full of misery.

I still cling to the few precious things I have that belong to Nana. I cannot let them go as then my final grasp on the physical her will be gone as well. I need them to remind me of happy times; reading her recipes and remembering her baking a cake, seeing her handwriting and recalling watching her write cards and notes to people she loved, wearing her jewellery and feeling as if I have a small piece of her against my skin. I had to dispose of her perfume as it just triggered too much, too often... I was inundated with memories from just one sniff, it was unbearable. I smelled it the other day, whilst packing up the weekly shop in a crowded supermarket and I was momentarily unable to move as I thought she was there, mad I know, but for a nanosecond I had hope that she was, even though I knew she wasn't.

Sometimes I have to marvel that I haven't gone insane. I wonder why I am not in a mental health unit when just typing this entry has me sat here with tears blinding me and loss threatening to overwhelm me again. Maybe it is because I cannot allow it to do that, I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. My needs must be tempered by the fact they rely on me... if I fall apart who will be there for them then? I have to suck it up and only allow myself to let it out when everyone else is asleep... then I can put my needs first and just cry. Just release the pressure once in a while and allow myself to be sad and let my heart break again. Then I can fall into a hopefully restful sleep and maybe by morning my heart will have reassembled itself back together again... not perfect (like a broken vase, mended with glue, is never really the same as it was before it shattered) but passable to any but the most in depth of inspections.

All of this creeps towards me the nearer December comes.

That is why I dislike Christmas.

I've changed the background to something bright and cheerful...

... because I'm sick and tired of winter now. I'm fed up of being cold and I'm bored of grey skies and dreadful weather! Roll on spring, I say (and I don't like warmer weather in the main, but I'm a bit disheartened with it being so bleak and miserable all the time).

I quite like tulips, they aren't my favourite flower, but I love the myriad colours they come in and they certainly do have a knack of cheering up dullness.

I've finally got the results from the doctor. Turns out I have a severe vitamin D deficiency. I'm now on a super strength supplement tablet (which is vile, by the way... note to companies making these things - if a tablet has to be either sucked or chewed you could at least make it taste pleasant... is that too much to ask?) I've only taken two so far as they are one a day, so I haven't noticed any change yet as it's too early. I just hope that they work... I don't know what happens if I still feel like crap in a few months time. What if the vit D thing is just something they found and not the cause of the aches and pains I'm suffering from? I guess I shall have to cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

I wish that sciatica was as quick to abate as it is to arrive... it can take seconds for it to appear and you're in agony for days/weeks until it decides to pack it's painful bags and sod off again! Mine seems to have come to stay for longer than the weekend, though. I hope it's not going to be visiting for much longer... I've been in bed for two days and already I feel like I'm going mad lol. Unlike last time it is mainly in my left leg so sitting isn't too bad, it's walking and bending that leaves me gasping for air. As I can sit down I've been trying to get some writing done.

I like writing, when I'm in the mood (which isn't very often as my concentration span is minute at the moment... pain does that to me) - but I found a book I started writing almost two years ago. It's set in London during the Blitz and it follows the life and struggles of a young woman called Tilly. I'm thinking of making her under twenty, that way she won't be conscripted into war work and I can develop her character more fully. Of course she'll volunteer for something, probably the WVS as I have first hand diary accounts of that branch of the voluntary services I can draw information from. I had only written a basic 'chapter one' before I put it down the first time (yeah, I'm easily distracted!)
  I'm unsure as to how long the piece should be, a full novel, novella or short story? I'm leaning towards novella and see how I go... it can be edited down or padded out to become either of the others if I find the story grows or I run out of ideas hahaha. I like to keep my options open.
  Normally I write poetry... mostly short and they have to rhyme. I don't like poetry that doesn't rhyme, it makes no sense to me, it doesn't 'flow'. I'm not a natural novelist, and I envy those people that seem to have hundreds of pages of stuff floating about in their brains. Part of my problem is that I'm impatient to get it all written down... so many times I have good things in my head and by the time I come to write them down they have disappeared, never to return! So frustrating to me, and I begin to lose heart, and interest, so I just stop. I also struggle in being descriptive, of conveying the pictures I have in my head down for others to read about and absorb.
  Apart from poems I have only ever completed one novella, in my life. A murder mystery, all written in long hand, and probably not very good... but at least I can say I have written one book lol.

Anyway, it's late and my painkillers are starting to work so I should try and sleep. I've had a bad few nights as I just get comfy and something spasms in my back or legs and I wake up again. Not helpful, not at all *sigh*

A simplified form of paganism for me from now on

For ages now I've felt as if my connection to Selene has been broken. I just don't feel as if there is anything there between us anymore. When I think of how excited and happy I was when I first realised I'd finally found a "patron" after years of searching it makes me a little sad, if I'm honest, to think that the link between us is gone.

But on the flip side I'm not bereft enough to fight for something I'm sure isn't really for me anymore. A large part of me thinks I've moved forward and Selene was there for as long as I needed her. Another part of me wonders in the role of gods and I feel quite agnostic about them as a whole at present. It's a fairly confusing and contradictory set of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my tired (and illness/cold/flu riddled) brain at present. The contradiction is this... I do believe that gods exist, I just don't really want a relationship with them anymore. I will always have a soft spot for Selene, she was the only goddess that ever made herself known to me personally (or maybe I convinced myself she did... that is open for debate lol) and I'll always be grateful to her for arriving at a point in my life when I was seriously questioning my being pagan at all. I was ready to give up completely and suddenly Selene appeared and made me feel that I was on the right track, and that regardless of what other "better pagans" thought about me and the way I practised my "craft" that I was pagan enough and had nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in my pagan life. I will always be grateful for that and the strength I gained.

Now though, I don't feel as if I need her and I also don't feel as if she needs me. It feels like a mutual parting of the ways. I feel as if I have gained all I needed to from our relationship and she is telling me that I'm strong enough now to go my own way. Like a mother that helps her child to learn to walk and then lets them discover the world for themselves. I hope that makes sense. I know it sounds fairly non-sensical and confusing, but I can't seem to explain it better.

I seem to feel quite apathetic most of the time and ritual has never been very high on my list of "essentials" so attempting to plan elaborate sabbats was never me... and I dont recall ever marking an esbat in my life! Apart from the odd pagan bits and bobs in jewellery and the cauldron I have, people would have a hard time telling that I'm a pagan at all by looking at me. I've gone past the "dripping with pentagrams" stage that most newbies go through. It feels more natural to wear my more goth themed items than it does the pagan ones these days.

Anyway, I digress.

Simple paganism for me is basically the stripping down of all the stuff and nonsense that I've spent the last dozen or so years trying my hardest to do! No overly planned rituals, no ritual clothing, no ritual items like athames or wands, no casting circles, no incense and no invoking gods or elements. I fact sometimes I don't say anything at all and just light a candle and think about what I want it to symbolise or who to help or "insert occasion here."

Bottom line is, I'm finished with that which I can't prove for myself to be 100% true or that I feel I don't need anymore (like gods). I've become more nature based in my ways. Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I can see and feel them, I can prove them to be real and I interact with them everyday of my life. Spirit is more difficult for me to comes to terms with, but I see that as akin to the energy in all things or like the soul. Granted I cannot prove that it exists but I cannot prove it doesn't either... so I choose to believe it does as it makes sense to me. If I can understand it and it makes sense to me then I have no problem with it.

I suppose my craft life, such as it is, could be described as "pagan-lite" ... simple yet meaningful to me, if no one else - and something which enriches me and doesn't feel like a chore or a burden. I guess that is all that matters really :0)

New Year Resolutions

Normally I don't bother making resolutions. I have fairly poor will power and self control so even before January has passed I've either broken them or decided I can't be bothered to keep them!

This year I thought I'd try again. My Nana would have been 100 this year (had she still been alive) and to mark her centenary, and give me more of an incentive, I have decided to give the resolutions another go. I'm not going to go mad... that is probably why I've failed so dismally in the past, because I wasn't being realistic with myself. That's a bit dumb!

So, in no particular order and with realism firmly in mind, my list looks something like this...

1. Take better care of myself; eat well, get enough sleep, care for my skin and hair properly, and take my supplements.

2. Try and keep my anger in check; stop snapping/nagging at people and try and not get so easily frustrated.

3. Get more exercise;  go for a walk or something similar.

4. Read the books I bought years ago and never started.

5. Take more photos; maybe do this while completing no.3 to kill two birds with one stone (so to speak lol).

6. Keep up to date with my diary and blogging.

7. Try and not worry about problems that don't exist and about situations that will probably never arise!

8. Try and lose more weight; ideally about four stone by 2014.

That's all I can think of for now. It's the main ones anyway, the ones that will make a difference in my life.

Fingers crossed I at least manage to achieve some of them lol.

Wow, long time between updates.

I wish I could say that my life has been a hectic whirlwind of fun and laughter, with barely a moment to sit down and catch my breath... but alas it has just been the same old mundane routine, only with the added bonus of finding out that I'm totally out of work around the end of November (date yet to be confirmed!)

After doing the same job for about 20 years, and feeling thoroughly drained and fed up I've decided to take some time out when the current children leave... I just can't do this anymore and I need a break (Mum feels the same and we work together). We will be able to survive, although things will be tight, but I have to say that I'm looking forward to having some peace and quiet and not having to keep "watching the clock" for school pick-ups! Christmas will be a no present affair, but with the fifth anniversary of Nana's death on the 26th of December, christmas has long been a time of mourning for me. Christmas is really for kids anyway, and I only used to look forward to it for having the tree up with the lovely lights, and also the time off that we always got then.

The dating sites are a total waste of time and I don't visit them anymore except when I get rare messages. I had one guy that I didn't even know message me insults one Friday night (so I assume he was drunk... or just a dickhead, he soon got a piece of mind in return and also reported and blocked). Then I had a guy called Jose track me down from one site for larger women (that I joined and forgot about), to Facebook... and then he found me at a separate dating site as well (stalker much?!) The funny part was he got pissed off when I refused his offer of going out for a cup of tea (that was his first message, like I'd say yes to meeting a total stranger!). Then he got pissed off because I didn't ask him out anywhere... I don't even ask my friends out so why he thought I'd ask him is beyond me altogether lol... and then he got pissed off when I asked him to stop bothering me and he said that I was actually bothering HIM! hahaha. When I pointed out that he was the one that tracked me down at three different places, he had the gall to call me "pathetic." My reply to him was this:

Being pathetic yourself I suppose you recognise the same trait in others. Just piss off and leave me alone. You started talking to me, you found me at other places. Just get over yourself, get a life and get out of mine. I want nothing to do with you so just GO AWAY! 

A little harsh, maybe, but I no longer have patience with people that feel that I owe them something, when I actually owe them nothing. I tried to be nice and I'd asked him to not bother replying to me as he had nothing to say that I wished to read (and that got the "pathetic" response)... and I just lost my temper and let him have both barrels, so to speak. I then changed my Facebook settings so that people have to be at least "friends of friends" in order to send me messages (and not "everyone" that I had before), and I blocked him from the last site he followed me to (I didn't bother with the first site as I'm not a full member and can't read messages without paying them money which I'm not doing anymore).

I'm quite looking forward to Samhain (although as usual I completely forgot about Mabon and only remembered when people sent me "Blessed Mabon" pictures online lol! (did I mention that I'm a lazy pagan hehe). Samhain is different as I pay my respects to my passed over family... it's more personal somehow for me and I at least have to light candles for each of those that I have loved and lost. Then it's Bonfire Night, with the free fireworks display and then it's Yule and the New Year. The year seems to have whizzed past and we are back to the cold weather again (though hopefully not a repeat of the snow and ice we had at the beginning of the year!)

I had sad news over the weekend...

... I found out one of my online friends, Koko, had died. I'd known her for years, but had lost contact with her a couple of years ago. I was searching for her for a friend and I found a newspaper article from her local paper saying that she had died (she tried to stop two horses from fighting, was  kicked and died instantly).

I told all of the people that I knew (that also knew her) and one of them confirmed it was indeed my friend. She was only 46 years old and left behind a husband and daughter (that I think is now in her early twenties). So sad.

I did manage to light a candle, and later, when I caught sight of the moon, I asked Selene to take care of Koko and let her have a peaceful rest in the Summerlands before she returns to us. For some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do.


In other news...

I have more or less given up on the dating sites, all I end up doing is chatting to people I don't really want to talk to (but I'm too polite to ignore messages lol). Only one guy is still sending me messages and I really wish he'd stop, but I don't have the heart to tell him so.

I've not been well recently, and I have no idea just what is wrong. I feel dizzy, light-headed and when I took my blood pressure the other day it was 115/61 (the average reading should be 120/80) so it's quite low. I just wish I could stop my stomach from hurting, it's really beginning to annoy me  *sigh* I just feel constantly as if someone has punched/kicked me in the stomach and it's getting really old now!

The rioting seems to have ended as abruptly as it began, and hopefully all those arrested for looting and criminal damage will be harshly dealt with by the justice system. I have no time for people that go out of their way to cause misery to others because of their own selfishness!

The mind boggles sometimes!

I knew it would happen, it was just a question of when!

People are already saying crap about the "end times" and "the return of Jesus" just because of the earthquake in Japan! One person even managed to connect three separate events together because they all happened on the 11th of the month (not the same month, and years apart mind you, but "it's not a coincidence!").

The statistical odds of events happening on the same day of the month are at most 31 to 1... there being only a maximum of thirty one days in the longest months. The person failed to mention all of the other disasters that have not happened on the 11th... but only the ones that did! I failed to be impressed by this news... if all earthquakes and/or tsunamis happened only on the 11th of any month, I would start to worry, but to take three individual events and tie them together just because they share the date of the 11th is lunacy (and with the super Moon coming soon, the pun was intended!! LOL).

There are also those that believe that "Japan had it coming" and that "they deserved it for what they did at Pearl Harbour"... and yes, they are for real! That would be like my revelling in something happening to present day Germany for what happened in The Blitz! How damn cruel are people?!

The only thing I will say is that to me it seemed worse for Haiti. Unlike Japan, Haiti is a very poor, third world country and they have had to rely on the rest of the world for help as they were powerless to do anything for themselves... Japan is a first world country and can do as much to help itself as the rest of the world can help it. They have machines and technology that Haiti could never even dream of... but I still wouldn't deny them help just because we were enemies 70 years ago or because they are considered a rich country! I can kind of understand old people thinking like that... for them it was personal and although it was a long time ago some wounds never heal, no matter the time-scale involved - but to be glad over thousands of innocent men, women and children dying and losing everything they possess... who are the inhuman ones there?

Just having to read rubbish like that makes me so tired... sometimes it even makes me embarrassed to be human and share a species with such total arseholes!

Moved yet more of my stuff out of my old room...

... because "they" need more space! I am so angry right now. They agreed to all of my books being in the room when they took it on, and now over time more and more of my stuff is going into my tiny room, meaning they have even more room and I have less! I now have books stacked on my floor, at the end of my bed, even outside my bedroom door! It pisses me off as it was fine when they first moved in, but now it's not... I still have no more space to put stuff, but they want it out  **fumes**

The time frame of their being here has also increased, first it was roughly a year, then a year to 18 months... now it's 2-3 YEARS!! I will go insane, I know I will. Just the thought of them both here for that length of time fills me with a sense of dread that I cannot put into words (I'm not joking, either, it really does). Three years of having to hide my journals/blogs from prying eyes, three years of Pingu's "suggestions" for how to make the house better, three years of being woken up at all hours and of never ever having a good sleep when my stomach plays up as I'm always woken by them slamming drawers or stomping to the bathroom, three years of there never being any hot water to have a shower as they take it all (he had two showers yesterday and there was no hot water left for anyone else!). I will be end up writing this from an asylum or going to live with my Nan, I just know I will!

I just feel so helpless... like an invader in my own home!!

So, I go to the doctors about my arm...

... and what a waste of time it was.

I was given diclofenac and told that I have a trapped tendon in my wrist and also the beginnings of a frozen shoulder! No mention of the arthritis in my wrist (which I know I have... the feeling of burning needles under the skin is enough to tell it's not normal pain... and it only seems to flare up when it's wet and/or cold - that's classic arthritis).

Plus when I get there I didn't have anywhere to sit (as usual) because all of the chairs in the place have arms. Surely I'm not the only one that cannot fit in their tiny chairs... what about heavily pregnant women? Or the elderly that have hip problems? Madness! I complained about it to the doctor (I wonder if he'll do anything about it? Probably not!!) Not only that, but it was so hot in the surgery that I was sweating after only being in there for 30 seconds - not good seeing as I in there for about 25 minutes in the end. It was like being trapped in a canary yellow, airless, windowless greenhouse. it was so oppressive I could hardly bear it. Leaving was like being freed from some kind of confinement! Never has fresh air smelled so sweet as it did this morning after exiting the doctors, lol!

He didn't do anything apart from make my arm sore (by pulling it about too much) and give me pills... pills that all of the people I know that have had them reckon are crap and don't work  *sigh* Plus, they are pills we already had in the house so I wasted over £7 on a prescription for stuff we already had here (same dosage and everything!)

My arm hurt so badly that I was in bed by 4pm... I just couldn't think of anything else to do, it hurt so very much. It feels like the whole right side of my body above the waist is stiff and any attempt to move it  just leaves me in agony. Just typing this I have a sensation of red-hot needles being pushed into my flesh from the wrist to halfway to my elbow (and I have to keep stopping and having a rest, I've been typing this for over an hour now!)

My biggest problem is not being able to hold a pen properly with my right hand, so I'm having to use my left... and I'm not left handed! My writing still looks like it was done by a kid of about 7... and I'm getting completely frustrated with the seemingly slow progress that I'm making... it never seems to get any better!!

I just wish this would go away, back to where it came from and not come back... the arthritis I can handle, as I've had that for about 10 years now, but my not being able to move my arm and shoulder is really getting on my nerves (literally as well as figuratively!!). I just feel so useless regarding work (or rather the lack of stuff that I can't do anymore) and my arm feels so heavy all the time - that and the dull ache that is always there is stopping me sleeping at night as I just can't get comfy and don't know where to put it to get some relief. Broken or sleepless nights are not good for putting me a good mood! They are my kryptonite, in fact  *sigh*

I need someone to hit me in the head with a mallet at night... then the arm pain wouldn't be problem (just the concussion, lol!)

What a bloody cheek!

And the day had so much promise before I went to bed last night, LOL! I had planned to do so many things... I was going to get out in the garden and now the weather looks as if it's going to pour with rain... and I am a total fair weather gardener (bad, I know).

I've also been put into a pissed mood by the delivery of the post this morning. We received an invitation to a wedding reception from my cousin... well, Mum and Dad did, I wasn't even mentioned, so I presume my presence is surplus to requirements, then!! I'm only the one that would have to drive them there, and I then, what? turn around and come home again?! Plus we aren't even worthy to attend the actual ceremony, just the party afterwards! So we can't actually go the bit that matters, but we can go the part that means we have to take a gift! Bloody cheek... they basically want our money in the form of a present then, not for us to actually see them get married. Fuck off!!

This is why I like not having a close knit family... most of them are total bastards that don't give a shit! This invite from the cousin that I haven't seen since the death of our grandfather about 14 years ago. I seriously could have walked past him in the street and I wouldn't have known it, I can't even remember what he looks like anymore. He knows where we have been for all of these years, we haven't moved, unlike him who has been all over the country and then was in India for I don't know how long. I would have preferred to have got no invite at all instead of the one for the reception. Whatever, but then I'm not invited anyway, am I? It's addressed to Mum and Dad only, my name is nowhere to be seen!

It's also on the same day as the final part of the first aid course I have to do, and I'm sorry, but the first aid is vastly more important to me than attending the wedding of a virtual stranger, so I wouldn't be going even if I had been invited! He can take his invitation, roll it up into a tight tube and then shove it up his arse as high as he can get it!! That is what I think about his "reception only" offer! See how he sits at the top table with that little lot blocking his rectum! LOL!

Dad has said that sadly he's not going to be able to go, as his leg is going to be hurting and stop him from walking that day... such a shame  **laughs like a manic**

To top off the day being crap before it even started, I woke up with my arm hurting as much as ever, and now I have to work with our 16 year old autistic guy at 3pm until he's collected (whenever that maybe) tonight (I love him dearly, and am looking forward to seeing him, don't get me wrong, but I'd planned to not be working until Monday... and I always get a bit fed up when I have to change my plans at the last minute  **grumpypants**)

Quick post

I accidentally deleted the entry I typed out before this!

My arm is no better, in fact it feels worse! I am also having to type out everything with one hand (and I keep hitting a button that activates some kind of shortcut and it either opens random stuff up or refreshes the page as it just did and then deletes the stuff I've just written!!!)

I'm having to use my right hand to type this as I'm too frustrated to keep losing the things I type using the one hand! Giving me total pain, but at least I've not hit the wrong button yet, lol.

I have not done any writing with my right hand for over a week, and my left hand writing is coming on nicely, though still resembles a kids and I'm getting really annoyed at the slow progress (I just think I'm getting somewhere and then it seems to go back a pace... I'm just so impatient *sigh*)

Anyway... apart from that all is good... I have another three day weekend as the kids are not here tomorrow, yippee. So glad the holidays are over.

Am off to get a special steering wheel handle to aid me in driving with the good arm tomorrow... hopefully it will help, and I can always remove it when I don't need it anymore. Must stop typing now as my right wrist is burning and I've got another dizzy spell coming on.

TTFN for now :o)

Ever have one of those days?

One of those days where you feel dreadful, but you just cannot put your finger on what it is that is making you feel that way? Well, that's how I feel today.

For one thing, I feel so cold! It's August and I'm sat here wearing a cardigan!! Both of my arms ache because it's cold and damp outside (and I have some arthritis in both my arms as I've broken both over the years, and my right wrist was set badly and so it aches all the time, but it's worse when it's chilly and wet, like now).

I'm also so incredibly tired... nothing unusual there, though, lol!

Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


I'm in total shock... but for two of the critieria on the list at the link I have every single other one!!

• Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
• Self-imposed social isolation
• Extreme shyness or social anxiety in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships^[3]
• Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
• Avoids interpersonal relationships
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Severe low self-esteem
• Self-loathing
• Mistrust of others
• Emotional distancing related to intimacy
• Highly self-conscious
• Self-critical about their problems relating to others
• Problems in occupational functioning
• Lonely self-perception
• Feeling inferior to others
• In some more extreme cases-- Agoraphobia
• Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts^[4]
• Susceptibility to substance abuse as a way of escapism.

Apart from the agoraphobia and the substance abuse I have all of the rest!! I never realised it before, but it's true.

I feel such a let-down to my family...

So much for the next day update, lol

I've not felt comfy in even opening this page in case it's seen by "other people".

Fortunately they are both gone until Sunday at the earliest. Their friends are getting married on Friday so they are staying nearer to the venue (Pingu is sort of second best man... he'll get none of the credit but the silly sod is doing all of the running around, getting the stuff sorted that the "real" best man will no doubt get the thanks for at the reception *sigh*). I've no idea just why it takes four days, but I'm not complaining. I think that Pingu is getting his new tattoo started on the Sunday, it will be going from his neck just by his ear right down his right arm to his elbow... I have no idea just how much it's costing, but he's already put down a £200 deposit and he's giving them another £100 on the day!... and something tells me that he'll be going back at least three more times (such a huge waste of money, but there we go... both of them always seem to find the cash for stuff like that, yet not for the bills they should be paying... madness *sigh*)

Anyway... I started work with more kids today. A brother and sister (he 2 1/2 and she 5), three days a week, Wed, Thu and Fri. It means I lose my half day off Wed and my day off on Fri (which is a shame as I'd got really used to them, lol), but it's money and the little boy (I'll call him by his initial, G) is infinitely better than I thought he would be... if anything it's his sister (C) that is a bit of a whinger, but it doesn't work with us (others have tried and failed in the past, hehe). They weren't meant to be here tomorrow as their Mum came in and said they were both going to their grans' house, but it turns out their gran bogged off down to her caravan so they will be here after all (that's the main reason the kids are with us, their Mum was always being let down when it came to family taking care of the kids... sometimes she even had to take time off work as there was no one to care for them as had been arranged beforehand! :( )

It's really nice having spare money again (I was paid this morning for this week, which was lovely). Just to go shopping and be able to buy something if I want to (even though there is now nothing that I want, so ironic, hehe). To not have to worry about either having gas and electricity or eating... to be able to pay our bills and not keep having to stall people with empty promises to pay them later - well, it makes all the difference in getting a good night's sleep!

I was woken up three times by Pingu last night! I was livid this morning... I never wake during the night, so if I'm woken I end up feeling as if I've not been to sleep. He woke me at 3am crashing about in the toilet... then his alarm was so loud it woke me at 4.30am... and then he woke me again when he left for work at just gone 5am. The first thing I did with my new wages was to go into my local chemist and buy £2's worth of earplugs! I've been looking at the garish hot-pink soft foam rubber things for weeks, but resisted the urge to get them. However, last night convinced me that it would be a sound investment, lol. Typical that I buy them and then the noise is gone as they are both away for four nights, hahaha! I have no doubt that they will be worth every penny when they return, though.

So loving the cooler weather at the moment... sadly it won't last, but it's so much nicer being able to sleep in a cool room instead of feeling as if you've just layed down in Satan's armpit!

So tired, so very, very tired...

... I will be updating this sometime tomorrow (when I can be assured of privacy, whenever that may be).

So much has happened in the last week and I need to use my written journal to remember it all. I seem to be able to write in that more easily than I can update here (and there is no way that I'm bringing that downstairs and alerting them to it's existance!). There's always the chance that this blog could be discovered by those that I don't wish to read it, so I have to update it when they are not around, and then close all tabs it is in, just in case they click it if I happen to walk away from the computer. Sissy and Pingu actually do that... read stuff over your shoulder, or lean over and read things whilst I'm sat here! I was stunned the first time Pingu did that! Their nosiness knows no bounds!

So now I make a habit of never leaving things I don't want them to read open in tabs - I don't want to have that "discussion"... easier all round to just close the things I wish to keep private. That's why I love my written diary... neither of them even know it exists, so I have more freedom to write without fear of discovery.

Finally feeling better...

... although my nose is still giving me pain in the sinuses, from time to time. It's taking daily doses of antihistamines and four hourly painkillers just to stop me sounding like I have a finger up each nostril and to keep from getting banging headaches, and even then it only just works! I'm still so tired all the time, though... I don't understand just why I doing not much can knacker me so fast!

Now, Sissy is getting paranoid because Pingu is away in Ibiza for a stag do (a night is not good enough these days, it has to be four days!!). If she keeps on giving the old "if he did something over there I don't know what I'd do" spiel I may have to kill her. I just don't understand why they both feel they have to live in each others' pocket 24/7... drives me bonkers... it's not a relationship, it's being smothered. So glad I don't ever want to be with someone... if I did it would have to be "normal"... "normal" being two people that could go a few days without seeing each other and not whipping themselves up into a total frenzy of paranoia and convincing themselves that the other had cheated!! WTF?!?! I'd rather be single than be in a position like that... to be someone that needy, or to be around someone that needy, would probably turn me into a homicidal maniac.

I need my space, and if someone couldn't give me that, then BYE!

Maybe I'm just a cynical old bat, or maybe I just know my own mind... either way I prefer my way to the "desperately clinging to someone as if they are a life raft stopping me from drowning" crapola that I am witnessing with Sissy and Pingu.

That is such a beautiful noise...

... the sound of rain hammering down on the gazebo roof just under my bedroom window... doesn't make me feel any less crappy, but it's a lovely sound all the same! Hehe. So glad I didn't water the garden earlier, not that I had the energy to do it, but the thought was there. You can't beat a good drop of rain.

This cold is really starting to make me feel like the grumpiest person on the planet now... all I hear myself saying is how nasty I feel. I must stop it, I'm starting to annoy myself now. The thing that is annoying me the most is the sneezing... not little ones either, but huge, hurt your chest, have you wetting yourself and making you feel as if you're going to blow the top of your head off ones... the ones that give you an instant headache *sigh*

The arm on my glasses broke off earlier today! Filled me with terror that did, my eyesight is putting it bluntly, utter shit and without my glasses I can barely see anything (to give an example, take a piece of glass, smear it with vaseline and try and look through it... that is how bad my eyesight is without glasses!). I only have the one pair of specs and I cannot afford to get any new ones just right now. Fortunately Mum dashed to our corner shop and brought a tube of the strongest super glue they had, and it seems to have persuaded the little piece of metal holding the arm in place to stay put... for now. I have to be very careful with my glasses now, and the left arm is fused in place, but I can see and I didn't have to resort to the old "sticking plaster repair", so it's all good, lol! I really have to get some new glasses soon, though, especially as I don't know just how long the repair will last... I suppose I shouldn't really complain, I have had this pair of glasses for going on eight years! LOL.

Who was the bright spark that thought it would be a good idea to put onions into salmon paste?! I can assure them that if I ever find out who it was I shall do them a grave injury!

Anyway, I suppose I really should try and get some sleep... last night was a disaster, sleep-wise... I went to bed at 9.40 pm, I was woken up every hour by noisy people (Sissy and Pingu) going to the bloody toilet (which is next to my bedroom) and then the noisy cow next door starting doing something in her kitchen (which shares a wall with my bedroom) which woke me up completely at 1.07am, and she kept my awake until gone 4am! If it keeps on I'm going to have words with her, selfish cow, I can't handle the double onslaught of noise! I can handle either noise here or in there, but not both at once. I have been forced to listen to my MP3 player, just to try and block it all out... don't get me wrong, I adore Siouxsie and the Banshees (the album that is currently the first one that plays when I turn it on), but sometimes all I want is peace and quiet!! Is that too much to ask for in the early hours of the morning?!?!

I've just had a damn fly buzz me in the right ear!! Freaked me the hell out and now I'm not going to be able to sleep until it's either gone away or dead... bring on the Raid!

All told this has been a day that I am going to try and quickly forget... it sucked... BIG TIME!!

I feel dreadful...

... my throat is burning, my nose is blocked and also running (make up your mind!), my body aches and I've had four hours sleep since I woke up on Wednesday! All I've felt like doing is read, but with the house looking like a rubbish tip I've had no choice but to do as much as I can.

I just wish my throat would stop hurting... it makes breathing painful, and for some reason lately whenever I catch something it always goes straight to my throat and voice box and I end up either losing my voice completely or else I end up with a voice so husky and gravelly that I sound like Barry White!!

Bugger Pingu for bringing his rotten germs into the house and infecting us all... all five of us have something wrong with us because of all of the coughing and sneezing that he did earlier in the week... you'd think that tissues had never been invented the way he was carrying on... not even putting his hand over his mouth - just coughing and covering as much airspace around him (and also anyone in it) as possible... splendid!

I wonder if I'm developing insomnia? I seem to have real trouble getting to sleep lately. I have nothing important on my mind... no imminent threats of any kind regarding money or other stuff... to be frank I couldn't give a toss about that kind of thing these days, all of my past worrying got me nowhere so why bother? The only thing that sets me off is if we have trouble with our mortgage... I can handle everything except the thought of being homeless, lol!

Maybe it's having two other people in the house... and two very noisy ones at that! Housework seems never ending with them here now... no sooner has the washing up been done than there are plates and cups back in the sink **sigh** and don't even get me started on the laundry! In the past three days the poor washing machine has had to cope with six loads of washing... and we have a very large capacity drum on our machine, too. I wouldn't mind so much, but they are 19 and 24 years old, so they are not babies, but apart from making mess they always seem to conveniently disappear when it's time to clear it up!

**Deep sigh** I suppose I am just in a bit of a grumpy mood, what with feeling crap and also the lack of sleep... I just feel sort of - overwhelmed, somehow... and I get the distinct impression sometimes that this house is not my own anymore... I can't really put my finger on it... I just really miss the quiet and can't get used to the seemingly constant smell of garlic that is pervading the house from all of the curries and junk food that they both eat! (one good thing about having a blocked nose is that I am spared having to endure the offensive whiff... or maybe my cutting all alliums from my diet, which includes both onions and garlic, makes me more sensitive to their odour?)

I'm going to shut up moaning now and see about trying to get some sleep... I think I am going to be needed in my capacity as chauffeur later today... and I don't like driving tired... I find falling asleep at the wheel not conducive to living a long and mediocre life (I would say happy life, but just lately I don't feel very happy! hehe).

Why do bunged up noses always seem to get worse at night? Just when you need to be able to breathe properly you suddenly can't!!

Think I'll pull the curtains back and stare at the beautiful half moon I can see until I fall asleep...

Now the HOUSE looks like a bomb site!

Sissy went down to Brighton yesterday and got her stuff... at present it is in our front room... which means that no one else can get in there *sigh* She put some of it away earlier, but after spending the bank holiday drinking with her parents and their friends at her parents house (in Clacton) both she and Pingu were knackered and stopped the putting away after three bags... which leaves the bulk of it still in the front room! The other girls weren't happy on learning that they have no tv down there now (as the set in their front room was Sissy's)... but they have been such huge bitches that I feel no sympathy for them. They have shafted Sissy on paying for the last cable bill to the tune of £133! It should have been split four ways, but they are refusing to pay their three shares and seeing as the bill is in Sissy's name it leaves her having to pay for it all herself! One of them has also taken one dvd out of her Friends box set, and as two of the girls had locked their bedroom doors, there was no way she could get it back again!!

Who knows when the rest will get put away... Pingu is back to work from today and that leaves Sissy to put it all away herself (she can be really fussy and I don't want to get in her way... plus I still have to find a place to put all of the stuff that I had to move in order for her to get her stuff in!)

I have put my books away as best I can... "best" being piled up in rows three to four foot high outside my bedroom door! All of my bookcases are full and the floor seemed the safest place, lol.

The good news is (after getting attacked by more dust than I have ever seen in my life!) that on sorting them all out, I found books that I never knew I had and that I was actually going to go out and buy... I found Peter Pan - JM Barrie, The Iliad and The Odyssey - Homer, Classics like The Phantom of the Opera, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and also things I'd forgotten all about, my complete set of Adrian Mole books (which still make me laugh), a huge compilation of all of the Sherlock Holmes stories, my Asterix comic books, a complete set of The Worst Witch stories (I loved them, and on reading Harry Potter it all seemed very familiar having read them), all of my Clive Cussler adventure novels and a book titled Sherlock Holmes vs Dracula... which I'm about to start reading now.

I took my library books back the other day and I was going to have a look and see what they had, and then I thought to myself, why am I bothering?! I probably have more books than they do, and most of mine are unread (or read so long ago they could do with re-reading lol). So I left empty-handed.

I was determined that not one book was going to leave this house, and none of them have... I was even prepared to stack them on my bedroom floor. I put all of the books that I wasn't all that fussed about into a huge wooden tallboy, and then put the sofa back in front of the doors. The books are safe, dust-free and out of the way. There is still lots to do (both in my room and also the rest of the house) but we have the rest of this school holiday off (no kids here) so we can go at our own pace... very handy seeing as Mum's hand still hasn't healed after Josh bit her... it's been four weeks now and she is on her fourth set of antibiotics!! She also has to change her dressing every day, but it is slowly getting better... very slowly mind - but then I suppose slowly better is preferable to not getting better at all!

So, this all means that Pingu has moved in with us (and will hopefully start paying some actual rent from his next pay day, which will help the mortgage)... Sissy has been accepted at one of the uni's up here so she is probably going to finish her degree at the South Bank come September... and everything else will be handled as it comes along LOL! Having made a sort of desk of an old shelf across some books in front of my bedroom window I can update my blog and written journal without the chance of getting "caught" by Sissy, and fortunately the wireless broadband actually seems to work in my room now, which has pleased me no end.

And to top it all off I actually managed to get an egg at DragCave that I've been desperately trying to snag since last year (I'm sure that it being Memorial Day in America is the reason I was able to get it, though... a total fluke, lol!... still, I'm not complaining). A good end to a tiring weekend.

Sissy has left Brighton university!

She just could not stand being down in Brighton any more. She was due to go back there today, but she ended up getting so upset at the thought of it that she almost had a panic attack! She was in a place she grew to hate, with people that she grew to hate, doing a course that she grew to hate... can't see the point of staying and racking up more and more student loans just to say you have a degree in a subject that you have no interest in... plus the only job that her current course will lead to is social work and I doubt she could handle the emotional burden of that career.

She's going to see about transferring the final year of study to up here, but if that doesn't pan out she will probably either get a job and do NVQ's at the same time, or go back to uni up here in a subject that she actually likes... makes more sense, even doing a degree course in something that has more than one job option at the end of it, just in case your choice of career changes over time.

She has had such an emotional day, it seemed as if for half of it she was crying... nearly broke my heart seeing her so unhappy. Pingu is ok about her leaving, he was just concerned about her making the wrong decision, but after seeing the change in her mood when the weight of stress was lifted from her, he soon realised that her happiness was more important.

The people she was most dreading telling were "The Parents"... her Dad was surprisingly accepting of her choice, but her Mum was a different story... she eventually had no choice but to come round to the idea when Sissy stood her ground and told her that it's what she wants to do that is the most important (about time she did that, too!!)

The other girls that she shared a house with down there gave her major lectures over the phone concerning her leaving, but they fail to realise that if they had been nicer people and not such massive arseholes that she would probably have stayed! They treated her like crap, talked down to her and just generally made her miserable... they seem to think that unless she is the happy-go-lucky party girl that she is somehow not "being herself"... stupid, immature fools. They also think that being at university is "the real world"... yeah, because being handed money a few times a year, attending some lectures, getting cash handouts from your parents and getting pissed more nights than not is "the real world"!! Lindsay Lohan's world, maybe... but certainly not the real world that most adults live in!!

We are going down there to get her stuff on Monday... as it's a Bank Holiday she is hoping that the others will be visiting their parents so she never has to see them again! The only problem on the horizon concerns some unpaid bills, the water rates, tv licence and their Virgin tv and phone... because the last two are in Sissy's name the rest of them will no doubt refuse to pay their share... but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it!

Now it means that Sissy and Pingu are going to be here for the foreseeable future, something we hadn't been planning on happening for another month... bit of a shock to the system, but at least they will be paying rent (which will help us out of out current financial bind... Pingu will pay the rent until Sissy gets a job, but any shopping they want is down to her... seems fair), and Sissy will not be going insane and slipping into depression over being stuck in a situation that makes her so incredibly miserable.