I've changed the background to something bright and cheerful...

... because I'm sick and tired of winter now. I'm fed up of being cold and I'm bored of grey skies and dreadful weather! Roll on spring, I say (and I don't like warmer weather in the main, but I'm a bit disheartened with it being so bleak and miserable all the time).

I quite like tulips, they aren't my favourite flower, but I love the myriad colours they come in and they certainly do have a knack of cheering up dullness.

I've finally got the results from the doctor. Turns out I have a severe vitamin D deficiency. I'm now on a super strength supplement tablet (which is vile, by the way... note to companies making these things - if a tablet has to be either sucked or chewed you could at least make it taste pleasant... is that too much to ask?) I've only taken two so far as they are one a day, so I haven't noticed any change yet as it's too early. I just hope that they work... I don't know what happens if I still feel like crap in a few months time. What if the vit D thing is just something they found and not the cause of the aches and pains I'm suffering from? I guess I shall have to cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

I wish that sciatica was as quick to abate as it is to arrive... it can take seconds for it to appear and you're in agony for days/weeks until it decides to pack it's painful bags and sod off again! Mine seems to have come to stay for longer than the weekend, though. I hope it's not going to be visiting for much longer... I've been in bed for two days and already I feel like I'm going mad lol. Unlike last time it is mainly in my left leg so sitting isn't too bad, it's walking and bending that leaves me gasping for air. As I can sit down I've been trying to get some writing done.

I like writing, when I'm in the mood (which isn't very often as my concentration span is minute at the moment... pain does that to me) - but I found a book I started writing almost two years ago. It's set in London during the Blitz and it follows the life and struggles of a young woman called Tilly. I'm thinking of making her under twenty, that way she won't be conscripted into war work and I can develop her character more fully. Of course she'll volunteer for something, probably the WVS as I have first hand diary accounts of that branch of the voluntary services I can draw information from. I had only written a basic 'chapter one' before I put it down the first time (yeah, I'm easily distracted!)
  I'm unsure as to how long the piece should be, a full novel, novella or short story? I'm leaning towards novella and see how I go... it can be edited down or padded out to become either of the others if I find the story grows or I run out of ideas hahaha. I like to keep my options open.
  Normally I write poetry... mostly short and they have to rhyme. I don't like poetry that doesn't rhyme, it makes no sense to me, it doesn't 'flow'. I'm not a natural novelist, and I envy those people that seem to have hundreds of pages of stuff floating about in their brains. Part of my problem is that I'm impatient to get it all written down... so many times I have good things in my head and by the time I come to write them down they have disappeared, never to return! So frustrating to me, and I begin to lose heart, and interest, so I just stop. I also struggle in being descriptive, of conveying the pictures I have in my head down for others to read about and absorb.
  Apart from poems I have only ever completed one novella, in my life. A murder mystery, all written in long hand, and probably not very good... but at least I can say I have written one book lol.

Anyway, it's late and my painkillers are starting to work so I should try and sleep. I've had a bad few nights as I just get comfy and something spasms in my back or legs and I wake up again. Not helpful, not at all *sigh*

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

A question about the term "fluffy" in Paganism

There was a question asked, about just what "fluffy" means (at a forum I used to go to all the time, but which I rarely go to anymore as I feel as if I now longer belong there as I'm not "Pagan enough!")

I was going to reply to the thread, but upon reflection I really didn't feel comfortable enough in doing so and so I'm posting it here instead (no doubt someone would have remarked about my post not actually replying to the question of the thread, and I just cannot be bothered in people arguing with me over it). My reply:

I'd be very surprised if there were any "fluffies" in the Valley, this place tends to knock that out of people very quickly! I know it did with me!

Reading the definitions of "fluffy" here made me laugh... and I fall into the "fluffy" spectrum in a good few areas (although not in my belief about angels and fairies, I don't believe in them). In regards to some of them I'm a very bad Pagan and probably should stop using the term in regards to myself as I don't appear to be Pagan enough.

Personally, I don't care how fluffy someone is, and it's taking me years to counteract the negative programming I received here towards terms like blessed be and merry meet (and subsequently my opinions of people that use them, too... when you are told enough to scorn the terms, eventually you end up scorning the people that use them as well, which is wrong!)

These days I don't care what people believe, I just care about how they treat me and others. It matters more to me. If people want to believe that all fairies are like Tinkerbell and are happy little pixies that only do good for people, who cares? Who are they hurting by believing that? No one (and if the Fae are offended by that I'm sure they are more than capable of doing something about it, not that I believe in the Fae, either).

People should have the right to believe whatever the hell they want, and none of us have any rights to tell them that they can't (or treat them as somehow lesser for holding beliefs we disagree with... that would make us elitists).

I would have posted it there, but there would be no point, I'd either be ignored or I'd be dog-piled and have people having a go at me for saying it and I truly can't be bothered with that kind of treatment! I seemed to routinely either get ignored or treated as somehow lesser for voicing my opinion over there in the past, so I no longer bother anymore (in fact I left for the longest time and returned a few weeks ago to find most of the people that seemed to take umbrage at my mere prescence had been banned, but there are still a few left). I just don't feel as if my opinions matter so why should I post anything there?!

I can honestly say that the only things I learned there were how to look down on people for believing things that I was meant to find ridiculous and how to be very cynical and condescending regarding people that dare to say things that are frowned upon (like merry meet and blessed be).

It is being back at places like that that make me not want to be pagan at all... if I'm meant to believe some of the things that they all believe I'd rather not bother with any of it!

They are fine with people believing in whatever they want, unless they don't agree with it and then you shouldn't believe it! I truly don't give a shit anymore... if people want to worship a clown riding a yellow unicycle round and round in a circle, that is up to them and as long as they don't tell me I have to believe in it too, it's all good.

I sometimes wonder if it's places like that that help make me so confused sometimes... if enough people tell you you're wrong for thinking a certain way, eventually you start to believe them so that you feel like you belong! It reminds me of the story of The Emperor's New Clothes, where anyone that couldn't see the wonderful fabric was a fool... and as no one wanted to be thought of as a fool they went along with the charade even though the King walked the streets stark naked!

I'm not prepared to spend my time defending my opinions against people that have no right to question them, so it's better for me to just stay away from those people!!!

I think I'll give up the dating sites...

... I don't seem to be meeting anyone that I actually get on with, so why waste my money?!

I met another guy earlier, another black guy but he was 6'6" and seemed nice so I thought I'd give it a chance and see about being friends. Big mistake  **sigh**

Yet again I was more or less called a liar regarding my lack of relationships/sexual experience. Then the guy  seemed to get annoyed when I said my webcam was broken so I couldn't turn it on and let him see me (it's not but I didn't want to turn it on and couldn't think of a good excuse) and he stopped talking to me using the chat function at the dating site... I waited about half an hour and no reply so I said I was going. I then sent a message to him at the site saying I was sorry if I said anything wrong (not sure why I did that, I just hate the thought of people thinking badly of me and I was raised with manners). He sent me a reply saying that I'd said nothing to upset him... and leaving me his mobile phone number! I'm sorry but I'm not spending my money phoning someone that a) I don't know and b) that ignores me for about an hour all told rather than talk to me (he also ignored me on MSN so I said I was signing out as there was no point my staying there to talk to myself!).

Whatever happened to chatting to someone and getting to know them in private messages and at MSN before you expect them to phone you or turn on webcams? Is it too much to ask to start as friends and see if anything develops from there? I thought that was the way people got into relationships... start off slowly and see what happens. I never knew you were meant to know within hours of one half-hearted conversation that you wanted something serious!!

Seriously, why am I bothering... in the past few weeks I've been called a liar, been asked highly personal questions regarding my reproductive abilities, been told I'm a bullshitter, been called scary and been told I should have sex to "be normal"... is this the best I can do? Do I really want to settle for any of the "boils on the backside of humanity" that I have met in the past few weeks? No, I really do not!


I think this is going to be the end of my internet dating site experience... I shan't be renewing either of the subscriptions (which in total amount to £30 a month). I'd rather set fire to the money than keep talking to jerks and douchebags that are not worthy of my time!

Apparently I have a disease...

... don't panic, though, it's not serious.

Name any disease you can and I'll bet that you'd never guess the name of the one I have... in fact a lot of people wouldn't even class it as a disease. Measles? No. Chicken pox? No. Mumps? No. Turns out my disease is called Virginity and I need to be cured of it as soon as possible... apparently!

I've lost count of the amount of times I've been called a liar when I say I have never had a relationship, with anyone... and I can't see how guys can be so incredulous about it. No one has ever showed the slightest sign of interest in me before, and what the hell is the point in just going out and doing something stupid that you can never take back again?!

One of the things that annoys the crap out of me is that some guys think I should feel "grateful" when they offer to "cure me" of this pesky "disease" I have. I beg your pardon! One even kept talking tonight about "how would my parents feel about him staying over" to say I felt creeped out would be an understatement! First of all he wasn't my type, and secondly, when someone I've only known for twenty minutes starts talking about us sleeping together and him staying the night at my house (!) it's just moving way too fast for my liking or comfort!!

I wonder if part of my problem is that I seem to be attracting the wrong people... I know what I find attractive and what I don't, and I like white men... they could be Swedish, Scottish, French, Polish, Irish, German, whatever nationality, but I just don't find men of colour physically attractive (be they Black, Asian, Middle Eastern, etc)... just in the same kind of way that people of colour may not like white people. It's not something you have conscious control over... some people go for red hair, or green eyes, or bad boys, or big boobs, or accents but my preferences are few but important - a couple are, taller then me (around 6'3") and white...  most everything else is workable (even the sex thing for the right person, just not everyone if that makes sense, it would have to be someone very special for me to even consider it and the people I'm meeting now are not "him").

Ideally I would love to find someone that understands the important things, like my being pagan and goth... they are two things that are at the very core of my being, I could no more change them than change my DNA, they are a part of myself and always will be. Another thing that I seem to be doing is attracting Christians, and I have no idea why that is either. I could not go out with a confessing Christian, even if he was 6'3" and white, the religion would put me off as I've seen what it can do to people. As soon as the words "bible" or "scripture" passed his lips I would be running for the hills and I wouldn't be able to help myself! If he were respectful of my path and not out to convert me at every turn then maybe we could cope, but most of the church attending people that I've seen (though admittedly online) have always been out to convert me, and that is never going to work on me... not anymore! Most of the time I see myself as a kind of pagan agnostic, so to have Jesus shoved in my face all the time would be one of the sure fire things that would have me leaving... to try and change the minds of others because only you feel you are speaking the "religious truth" is so disrespectful to me. I don't try and coerce people into believing differently to me, so no one else gets to do that and still be with me (sorry about that!) A guy can be a Christian, go to church, whatever, just understand that I don't have to believe the same things and can do whatever I choose regarding my faith, then it's fine.

I'm probably being way to picky, and all of the guys I seem to go for are too far away from me, like hundreds of miles away or (as it always seems to turn out later) in relationships or married! Maybe I need to get out more, go to places where people like me hang out (although I have no idea where that even is lol). Pagan and Goth seem to walk the "misunderstood line" together, and oftentimes the two paths converge and seamlessly blend into one (like with me), surely there have be others that have the same weird outlook on life as me out there?

WHERE ARE YOU?!?!

Our boiler has stopped working!! (Plus a right old moan-fest!)

Meaning we have no central heating and no hot water!

I never knew this house could be so cold... my bedroom is recording a temperature of 56F or 13C! No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping. Funnily enough it's not the central heating I miss, it's the hot water... if I had water I wouldn't care about the heating, we have electric fires and blankets so it's not a huge problem, and if things get too chilly then you just go to bed (well, I do - must remember to add another blanket tonight).

The only problem I'm having is washing my hair - I have scalp problems and have to wash it daily or else the itching and soreness get too great and I'm in a foul mood and I feel dreadful (like I have swarms of headlice - not a pleasant sensation). I literally have 24 hours before I have to wash my hair again and any time over that and I can feel the tingling and itching creeping back again. Maybe it's psychological, maybe its me subconsciously clock-watching and making my head itch... I have no idea, but the burning and the consequent scabbing from scratching is real, and hurts and I really want to avoid that if possible!

Pingu has a friend that was meant to be coming round yesterday to have a look at the boiler and see if he could see the problem... then he was meant to be coming today, but now John (the friend) has miraculously discovered the problem without even looking at the boiler and has ordered a part (which is costing almost £100) and he will come and do it for us and waive the labour charge. The only problem is that it will take THREE DAYS to get the part and then he has to come down from Essex (about 70-85 miles, depending where in Essex he is based) to do it for us... on top of working his regular job.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to him for helping us out, but part of me wishes that Pingu had kept his nose out of it! As soon as the boiler went wrong he was straight on the phone calling his mates and trying to get it fixed... without even asking us first! He had no clue as to what kind of breakdown cover we had in place, he never even asked, he just did the usual and "Super Builder" came to the rescue!

Regardless of the problem, be it big or small, he thinks he is the only one that can fix it or get it fixed, and I actually find that blanket assumption very insulting! Just because he's a qualified carpenter (though is now a delivery driver) he thinks that he is the be all and end all of odd jobs and how a house should be run! He regularly tells Mum when to pay the bills and says what he thinks the rent money he gives us should be spent on, he complains when we buy food, yet never complains when he eats it (and then never replaces it). He just pisses me off... he even tells Dad off for pinching cigarettes and when he sees him coming will hide Mum's or give them to me so that Dad can't take any. He thinks he's helping, but in reality he is just pissing people off - big time, with his constant poking his nose in where it doesn't belong! Any more of it and I'm going to have to say something... along the lines of "how the hell do you think we coped before you came here, Bob the fucking Builder?"

I wouldn't mind if the work I've seen him do was good, but it wasn't, it was half-hearted and unfinished, we are still waiting for him to put all of the screws in a ceiling fan, for instance - from July... he gets so far and "that's good enough" and he stops - so why he feels that the opinion of "Mr Bodge-Up" is more important than my Dad's, who was a fully qualified plumber/multi-tradesman his ENTIRE CAREER, I have absolutely no idea. My Dad is a depressive, not brain-dead, FFS! When my Dad does a job it's done properly, it's done well and I trust him, Pingu put up a ceiling fan so poorly that it wobbles ominously when it goes above the first setting and scares me so much that I won't turn it past that, if I turn it on at all (I'd rather be hot than have it fall on me!!)

And to top it all off, Mum now cannot find her bank card so has had to cancel it! The card that is tied to the account with all of our money in it! She also has a tax rebate check to pay in there so this is just turning out to be a very bad day! The Gods help Pingu and Sissy if they start complaining today... I know Sissy will be in a bad mood as she started her new temp xmas job in HMV today... the HMV that is an hour's travelling from here... on a bus, in the cold (Pingu was the one that convinced her to take it... purely for the money, everything he does is based on money... you don't need happiness in a job, according to him if the money is good enough... the man is an ignoramus!! *sigh*)

What a pile of SHIT!!

After sitting in my front room and having a woman drone on and on about having to complete mountains of paperwork, she's finally gone... over two hours later!

I hate this job...it's utterly fucking dumb - now! I am going to have to go on an eight week course, starting in November, and because I need a first aid course, and the only one available is in the starting childminding course, I (and Mum) have to do the entire course, from the beginning! How fucking insulting is that?!?! I need to go on a course TO TELL ME HOW TO DO A JOB I'VE BEEN DOING FOR OVER 17 YEARS!! Eight Saturdays in a row - how fucking splendid!!!!!

The gist of it is, everything the child does, learns, new things they say... every facet of their daily life now has to be recorded and written in a diary so that OFSTED can see what you've been doing! Weekly time logs have to be signed by the parents... risk assessments have to be carried out on any journey you may be planning (which involves doing dry runs and seeing where any trouble may lurk!) - bang goes the visit to the farm I was planning for tomorrow. We should even be doing a monthly fire drill! The kids are in the room nearest the front door! How the hell would a three year old understand a fire drill?! We can't even take pictures of the kids with mobile phones, because they are not secure and the pictures could be found by paedophiles. WTF?!?! Even to have the kids own Dad be able to pick them up we have to get written consent from their Mum (because they are separated). She even suggested a visitor's book to log everyone that comes into the house... but we don't get any visitors.

I'm more pissed off at being told I have to go on a food safety and hygiene course... I've been cooking for almost 20 years and no one has EVER been ill from anything I have ever prepared. How insulting, demeaning and degrading is that going to be?!

I so wish I could do something else... anything else... if I could quit, I would. I don't think I can do this shit anymore. They are making it so demoralising that I don't want to.

I now have two inches of paperwork I have to read and "implement"... I even have to get a Criminal Record check done on a friend that is coming to stay with us in October, because he will be in the house at the same time as the children - he'll be here a week and won't even be around the kids.

Never before have I wished I could do something else. I have nothing to fall back on, though, nothing else I can go and get a job in. I'd rather clean toilets than do this job, now.

I'm equal parts furious, pissed off, sad and utterly drained. Plus I'm crying out of sheer temper and frustration.

What a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year it will be!

I've never heard such a load of bollocks in all my life... all this since Baby P and Victoria Climbie... only problem being is that they were killed by their own family, not their childcare! Maybe if parents were subject to half of the stuff that I have to do now, it will help more kids. Shame that will never happen, though.

My bedroom now looks like a bomb site!

Sissy asked if she could move her bed, and that means that I've had to move a huge metal bookcase, full of my books into my room. I have the smallest bedroom in the house, and now it's full of books and there is barely room to move.

It really upset me earlier when I went and had a look at her room... she has enough room to dance in and I now have so little room that I have to crawl over my bed in order to open my bedroom window! (as I can no longer stand in front of it as there are books piled up all over the floor).

There are also books on the floor outside my bedroom door... and I have no idea where I am going to put them... I'm thinking I'm going to have to get rid of some of them, which is something I hate doing... I hate giving up my books, they are so expensive these days, and they have cost me a lot of money in the past. I also don't see why I should have to - especially when Sissy agreed to them staying in her room when we let her have it!!

I was so angry about it earlier that I cried... it just made me feel that my stuff is of lesser importance than theirs... and I should just get my shit out of their room! It made me feel like an outcast in my own home.

Lugging all of the heavy hardbacks has given me a killer backache and also made my bad arm flare up again, to such an extent that I cannot lift the books any more today... not helpful when you're trying to get them put away **sigh**

I feel very strange...

... I think I'm coming down with something, and I don't like it. My throat feels sort of scratchy and I always feel as if there is something stuck in my throat and I can't get rid of it. I also feel a bit achey, but I don't know if that's because I'm ill or because I moved a wardrobe yesterday.

I just don't feel 100%... I think I might have an early-ish night tonight and see if that helps.

Sometimes, Sissy drives me insane!! She was meant to not be going back to Brighton for about a month (she sorted it all out earlier this week, even getting an extension on her essay), but now she is going back tomorrow as her friend reminded her that they have tickets for some kind of show... so now she is going back tomorrow, staying tomorrow night/Thursday and then coming back early on Friday. So it looks like I'll be taking her tomorrow (no word on where the money for the diesel is coming from!!) and I'm not sure about Friday, but I know I cannot get her as I'm working (emergency babysitting).

I just wish she could make a decision and bloody stick to it! I love her dearly, but I have no desire to keep going backwards and forwards to Brighton all the damn time... the drive tires me intensely (and she always seems to go back in the dark, which I hate driving in as most of the journey is on motorways without lights and I always seem to get lost on the way back **sigh**)... that and she never thinks to pay for the fuel, and I can't keep affording the £15 per journey it takes to get her there and then get home again!

My itchy scalp is driving me MAD!!!!

I've suffered with dermatitis on my scalp for years. I don't get it very often, but when I do it makes my life an itchy hell. My scalp from the crown to my hairline on the back of my head starts itching, then it makes itchy lumps (which I then scratch) and then it burns! That is normally how it is... today though, for some reason my whole head is one huge itch... it really is driving me insane and for some reason my whole body seems to feel itchy, too! This is what I have (though not as extreme as the top picture!) - Seborrhoeic Dermatitis

I have done nothing out of the ordinary, eaten nothing unusual, not changed washing powder/fabric softener or shampoo/conditioner (the ones I use do vary, but they are all brands I've used before without problems). I'm also not under any undue stress or strain (well, not that I can think of anyway), so why it's suddenly come on today I have no idea.

What usually happens is that my head gets hot (it is worse the longer my hair is) and I have to cut my hair off to about an inch from my scalp and then it eases and disappears. Maybe it has something to do with the air getting to my scalp, of maybe having longer hair just makes my head too hot. My hair gets greasy very quickly, and I have to wash my hair every day or it looks a total mess... and the longer it gets the more of a hassle everyday washing is (and sometimes if I put my hair up whilst it's still wet it doesn't even really have a chance to dry out before it needs washing again... drives me nuts!) - so I try and leave it longer, but I'm wondering if that it worse as the grease from my scalp just sits there and is probably making things worse.

One of the few things that always seemed to stop the itching was to colour my hair (permanent colour, something to do with the peroxide), but I only did that less than two weeks ago, plus I haven't been paid yet, so have no money for the dye.

The only thing I've done that I wouldn't normally do was get caught out in the rain yesterday. I was coming home from a school run and got caught with no hood or umbrella, and my head got soaked. In the past getting rain on my hair just made it greasy (I have no idea why) but I'm wondering if something in the rain water could have reacted badly to my scalp chemistry (or something like that?!). It's all I can think of.

I feel an extreme haircut coming on... if nothing else it will solve the problem of getting rid of the black hair and getting my natural colour back... I am loathe to do it, though, as I really hate having super-short hair, and I just know that everyone will laugh at me for it **sigh**

I could cry right about now, I really could, out of total frustration!

Sissy is home...

... and I can't wait for her to leave again!

There is a weird atmosphere in the house ever since she got back... and the prospect of her new boyfriend staying here for three days (that was sprung on us at the last minute... and they are going to be sharing her single bed!) is not making me look forward to this week at all **sigh** They have even booked into a B&B about four miles away on Wednesday, because he didn't like it when we said that they are not to have sex in her room... this is a small house, her room is next to my parents room and it's just not happening! He said that they do it his house, so why not here? The answer was a definite no!... so they are paying out £60 so they can go elsewhere! Madness!

I sometimes wonder why she bothers coming home... we rarely get to see her anyway. At the moment she's in the back room watching tv, the next time we see her will probably be bedtime, and then sometime tomorrow when she gets up!

She even asked if we were planning to be on the computers when Ross is here... why would we not be? This was a man that never even introduced himself to us, as he was shy, when he came to collect her on New Year's Eve. So far he's taken her away for all of the important days, we never saw her xmas day, or new year's day and this week was meant to be her coming home to see us, and now he's going to be here for that too!! It seems like unless he can be with her 24/7 it's not good enough :(

This week is shaping up to be total chaos... Monday - Mum has the hospital, Tuesday - Ross is arriving, Wednesday - I have to get the new car, Thursday - (currently clear), Friday - Tony is coming down from Coventry, Saturday - Lynn is coming down from Scotland, Sunday - they all go home... as well as all that we are working all week with the kids, and on Friday Josh is home from boarding school. I'm tired just thinking about it all. I would love to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there until Wednesday, get the car, come home and then go back to bed! LOL!

It sounds mean, but I really do hope that Sissy and Ross go back to Brighton on Friday as they are planning... it would be a nightmare to have them all here for the weekend, too... I just know that Sissy will not get on with Lynn and Tony, she can't see why they are coming in the first place, so to have her here (with that kind of attitude) would make the house atmosphere tense, to say the least! **sigh**

We are getting the new car...

... I have to go and collect it next Wednesday between 10.30 and 11am!!

I should be excited, but I just can't be... it seems too good to be true, and until I actually have the keys in my hand and drive the car away it won't actually sink in. So many times in the past I've got all excited about things, only for them to never happen, so I think it's best if I let the inner pessimist loose (just this once) and not get my hopes up.

We also had the MedEquip people round this morning, delivering some of the things that the occupational health visitor suggested Dad might need... some of the things are dumb, like the seat for sitting in the bath that sits on the top of the bath meaning that nothing but your feet are in the water, or that if you're having a shower because there is no way to get the shower curtain under the thing, that the water will just pour down the shower curtain and the outside of the bath and make the floor all wet! The only good about it is that if you were having a shower it would give you a place to sit down if you needed to, but my Dad has the shortest showers, ever... he considers anything over five minutes as long, so I can't see the point of it! They are coming back tomorrow to put leg extenders on the chairs in the back room (so that it's easier for him to get up out of the chairs), but then again he rarely sits in there anymore, so again I can't really see the point... and if they are not able to take my weight that means that I can't sit in them (which is stupid as I sit in them more than he does!). They gave him a grabbing thing for picking stuff up, which is rubbish as my Nana had one, and we sent it back, but the one thing that he does need (**TMI ALERT** something to help him clean himself after he has a poo, as he cannot reach anymore and it's a real struggle for him), they know nothing about! So much for that, then **sigh**

I feel quite strange today... sort of unsettled about something, I can't really put my finger on it... there is just something not quite right. Maybe it's because I got up late and I feel all off kilter, time wise. I'm used to getting up and going for a walk in the morning, but this morning as it was so cold (and the cold air really affects my seasonal asthma and makes me cough and feel as if I have something constricting my chest) Mum let me stay in bed. I wish that I'd got up now, my back is killing me and I think I was having a weird dream, but I can't remember it. This head cold has also brought back the low pitched humming in my right ear, which is really annoying... even when there is silence I still have the humming, in fact the quieter it is, the louder the humming seems to get!

Even the grey of the sky is starting to piss me off... I can honestly say that I can't wait for spring this year. Even for just a day of sunshine or failing that just a hint of blue sky... it would make all the difference. Everything just seems so dismal and boring... there doesn't seem to be any life to see anywhere, when all is so ashen and bare. Everything seems so dark and depressing. I can see why people get depressed in winter or suffer from SAD, I'm just fed up with it now, I can't imagine what it must be like to be actually deeply affected by it for months on end. Anyone that is has by complete sympathy!

CRAP.. CRAP... CRAP!!! How very ANNOYING!

Dyed my hair with a blue/black colour just now... and I think they forgot to put in the black!! The inch and a half of brown roots (with some white) have gone BLUE!!! So much for the blue/black being a very intense black **sigh**

I just get the feeling that Feria by L'Oreal hair dyes just don't like me (or rather my hair). All of the Feria ones I've tried have been fairly rubbish. Fortunately I still have a Feria Blackest Black (or something like that) so once my hair has dried I may be using that one later this evening (yes, it's Feria, but beggars can't be choosers and I have no way of getting another dye at such short notice, plus I'd like to get rid of it)... I can't go out with blue roots - if I'd wanted it to look like that, fair enough, but I don't, so it has to go!!!

The best black dye I have used so far has been one by Perfect 10 by Clairol... it made my hair black, and also left it feeling lovely (plus it smelt nice, whilst on my head and also the conditioning treatment afterwards). Think I will be going back to that from now on... at least it does what it says it will.

Happy New Year!!!

Or not!

Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).

I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).

So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)

All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).

We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)

There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.

I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**

SHIT!!!

Think my car is going wrong... again!! There is still clouds of white smoke belching out of the back whenever I drive it! It can be so bad that I can't see the road behind me (and it must be like driving in fog for those poor unfortunates behind me, and for all of the pedestrians on the pavement!) I'm surprised that I've not been stopped by the police, and I don't think I want to carry on driving it at the moment... it's so embarrassing (not to mention dreadful for the environment **sigh**). I'm seriously thinking about getting the kids on the bus, the only problem being that the buses are not coming down my road at the moment (the bottom of the road is closed, without any warning, I might add!)

I must admit that ever since I've been driving people have taken advantage of the fact that I can! We only used to go to local schools before I drove, but as soon as I passed people started to just assume they could send their kids to any school as I could go and get them in the car (even though they didn't want to pay me for going and getting them, diesel etc)

We are going to call the mechanic that my uncle recommended to us (the guy that came round last time) and see if he can find the problem... it's been said to be everything from too much oil to the piston rings wearing out (which would be as expensive as buying a new engine, which would mean getting rid of the car!)

Add to that the fact that I have a cold that is getting worse by the day (got a sore throat now and I keep losing my voice... thank the gods for Lockets, LOL!), and the kids are playing up something chronic (if I never hear the name Ben again it will be too soon!!) Also one of the Mum's came in tonight and said that her work are messing her about with her shifts (she's a Community Support Officer with the Police), and they are giving her stupid shifts like 4pm-Midnight and 2pm-10pm... she is a single Mum of three and cannot do those kinds of hours all the time as she's expected to do! Part of me is happy at the thought of Kyah going (she winds the others up and is also a compulsive liar, though she can be funny), but another part of me would miss the money, although we would find a way to live without it.

Am now watching the news... I need to see stories about people that are far worse than I am (I need to gain some perspective right about now!!)

I feel really fed-up!

Ever had one of those days where you feel really fed-up for no reason you can think of? That's how I feel today. I have zero patience for stupid things and all I want to do is to be left alone! Not possible when you work with kids and they are still here   **sigh**

I've felt sort of weird for a while now, and it's nothing that I can put my finger on. I just feel sort of, blah, like everything is too much trouble and all I want to do is eat nice things and watch Last of the Summer Wine. I don't really feel like posting in forums, in fact I've just resigned from the big one I'm staff at today, I just can't be bothered with it anymore. Whether it's the "**had Bonfire Night, long time til Christmas type feeling**" I have no idea... I just seem to have zero tolerance for idiocy and people being dumb (bad news in this house, as my Dad has a passion for really winding me up by playing both parts extraordinarily well!!  *sigh*)

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to hibernate... it would be so very helpful right about now!


On a good note, though, Josh is out of the hospital and on his way up here as I write... I'm so glad that he is feeling better... not 100% well, but definitely on the mend :)... can't wait to give him a hug when he gets here. He's here!!!!!


{edited to add} Josh has lost a stone in weight (12 pounds) in nine days!! No wonder he looks so thin and gaunt... he was built like a bean pole before all of this!



**as said by Bren from dinnerladies**