Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

I had sad news over the weekend...

... I found out one of my online friends, Koko, had died. I'd known her for years, but had lost contact with her a couple of years ago. I was searching for her for a friend and I found a newspaper article from her local paper saying that she had died (she tried to stop two horses from fighting, was  kicked and died instantly).

I told all of the people that I knew (that also knew her) and one of them confirmed it was indeed my friend. She was only 46 years old and left behind a husband and daughter (that I think is now in her early twenties). So sad.

I did manage to light a candle, and later, when I caught sight of the moon, I asked Selene to take care of Koko and let her have a peaceful rest in the Summerlands before she returns to us. For some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do.


In other news...

I have more or less given up on the dating sites, all I end up doing is chatting to people I don't really want to talk to (but I'm too polite to ignore messages lol). Only one guy is still sending me messages and I really wish he'd stop, but I don't have the heart to tell him so.

I've not been well recently, and I have no idea just what is wrong. I feel dizzy, light-headed and when I took my blood pressure the other day it was 115/61 (the average reading should be 120/80) so it's quite low. I just wish I could stop my stomach from hurting, it's really beginning to annoy me  *sigh* I just feel constantly as if someone has punched/kicked me in the stomach and it's getting really old now!

The rioting seems to have ended as abruptly as it began, and hopefully all those arrested for looting and criminal damage will be harshly dealt with by the justice system. I have no time for people that go out of their way to cause misery to others because of their own selfishness!

I feel so very tired today...

... guess that is one of the consequences of eating that cheese on that pizza last night!  (When my food intolerances flare up I get very tired and feel like sleeping for days afterwards).

I don't understand what is wrong with me when I think that there is nothing wrong with me so I can eat the things that I know full well I should avoid like the plague! Is it a form of denial... "sure I can eat that... it was weeks ago that it made me feel like shit, what harm can it do?!"

Yeah, plenty, MORON!

Yay!

Sissy and Pingu are away from the house until tomorrow afternoon! I know I shouldn't feel like doing the happy dance, but I do. The house feels so much lighter when they are gone (or should that be when he is gone).

At the moment he has a chest infection and a cough that always has him bringing stuff up from his lungs when he finishes. I know he can't help it, but just hearing him bringing up phlegm makes me want to throw up! He did it when he came in early today and I had just made myself a ham sandwich - as I went to bite it he finished coughing... I thought I was going to heave and I couldn't even start my sandwich until he had left the house. Had I been eating when he had finished coughing I just know that I would have been physically sick!! I'm determined to not get another cold, so am using Vicks First Defence nasal spray... weird stuff (and a bit stinging if you inhale it too deeply, which of course I did on my first attempt). It's a thin gel stuff that you spray up your nose - it traps the cold virus, then renders it inactivate and you either blow your nose to get rid of it or sniff up and swallow it... sounds gross, but it works, and if it lessens the length of the cold (or better yet, stops it in its tracks as the box says it can do) it will be worth it.

The weather has taken a turn for the worst here... the temperature is plummeting and the sky is turning a leaden grey colour, which is bad. I heard on the news last week that the north of the country is going to have snow from today, and that is could spread south until we might get it nearer the weekend. My right wrist has been aching for two days (my left upper arm, too), always a sign of bad/cold weather... and I'm hoping that it is not an omen of weather to come!

Sometimes thinking too hard is bad for me!

I've been reading some of the blogs I follow, and I wish that I had some of the interests that other people seem to have... and also the seeming ease they have in writing about entertaining things that they do. Their entries are full of such exciting things, about subjects that I know nothing about and I wonder just why anyone would be interested in reading the stuff I write about? Most of the time I'm moaning, and if I'm not then I'm angry about something that I really should not be angry about. Rarely do I update about the pagan things, the very things I want to write about, yet because of my lack of privacy at home now, I rarely get the chance to practice.

I do nothing of any substance, certainly nothing that would be worth writing about anyway. At the moment my life seems to be working with kids and then watching tv or reading, eating and sleeping and maybe playing some games at Facebook. Hardly exciting stuff, is it? I highly doubt that the BBC are going to be beating my door down asking me to make a documentary about that! I think that the most exciting things I did today were wash up the dishes after dinner and write a few xmas cards for neighbours... yeah, really front page news! LOL. I felt so tired that I didn't even get dressed, I stayed in my pj's.

I wonder if my not feeling too well is the reason for my present ennui? Or maybe it's the weather? We had more snow today and whilst I agree it does look beautiful, it caused chaos on the hill - eight buses were stuck and one of them scared the hell out of me as it slid into the kerb, right outside my house and then came to a stop... it was a double decker, too, so quite capable of destroying my house if it happened to slide too far and crash through the front room windows!

I seem to have a permanent headache at the moment, and my nose is also blocked (and no amount of Sinex spray seems to remedy that for long, sadly). My whole head feels like it wants to explode and I have a dreadful pain above my eyes... I wonder if it's my sinuses? They usually are the cause of most of my headaches, stupid skull cavities.

See what I mean, moaning... again! Maybe I should just accept that I am quite a misery-guts most of the time!

Hopefully when I have ten days off at xmas I may be able to get out and do some things that normally I can't do as I work five days a week. Just getting out and taking some pictures would be better than sitting on my bum doing diddley squat (which is my usual habit).

I suppose I should go to sleep, I only had five hours last night as I got to bed late (or rather, early!) and then I was woken for breakfast, which was lovely, but I wasn't expecting it or else I would have gone to bed earlier, lol.

Finally feeling better...

... although my nose is still giving me pain in the sinuses, from time to time. It's taking daily doses of antihistamines and four hourly painkillers just to stop me sounding like I have a finger up each nostril and to keep from getting banging headaches, and even then it only just works! I'm still so tired all the time, though... I don't understand just why I doing not much can knacker me so fast!

Now, Sissy is getting paranoid because Pingu is away in Ibiza for a stag do (a night is not good enough these days, it has to be four days!!). If she keeps on giving the old "if he did something over there I don't know what I'd do" spiel I may have to kill her. I just don't understand why they both feel they have to live in each others' pocket 24/7... drives me bonkers... it's not a relationship, it's being smothered. So glad I don't ever want to be with someone... if I did it would have to be "normal"... "normal" being two people that could go a few days without seeing each other and not whipping themselves up into a total frenzy of paranoia and convincing themselves that the other had cheated!! WTF?!?! I'd rather be single than be in a position like that... to be someone that needy, or to be around someone that needy, would probably turn me into a homicidal maniac.

I need my space, and if someone couldn't give me that, then BYE!

Maybe I'm just a cynical old bat, or maybe I just know my own mind... either way I prefer my way to the "desperately clinging to someone as if they are a life raft stopping me from drowning" crapola that I am witnessing with Sissy and Pingu.

That is such a beautiful noise...

... the sound of rain hammering down on the gazebo roof just under my bedroom window... doesn't make me feel any less crappy, but it's a lovely sound all the same! Hehe. So glad I didn't water the garden earlier, not that I had the energy to do it, but the thought was there. You can't beat a good drop of rain.

This cold is really starting to make me feel like the grumpiest person on the planet now... all I hear myself saying is how nasty I feel. I must stop it, I'm starting to annoy myself now. The thing that is annoying me the most is the sneezing... not little ones either, but huge, hurt your chest, have you wetting yourself and making you feel as if you're going to blow the top of your head off ones... the ones that give you an instant headache *sigh*

The arm on my glasses broke off earlier today! Filled me with terror that did, my eyesight is putting it bluntly, utter shit and without my glasses I can barely see anything (to give an example, take a piece of glass, smear it with vaseline and try and look through it... that is how bad my eyesight is without glasses!). I only have the one pair of specs and I cannot afford to get any new ones just right now. Fortunately Mum dashed to our corner shop and brought a tube of the strongest super glue they had, and it seems to have persuaded the little piece of metal holding the arm in place to stay put... for now. I have to be very careful with my glasses now, and the left arm is fused in place, but I can see and I didn't have to resort to the old "sticking plaster repair", so it's all good, lol! I really have to get some new glasses soon, though, especially as I don't know just how long the repair will last... I suppose I shouldn't really complain, I have had this pair of glasses for going on eight years! LOL.

Who was the bright spark that thought it would be a good idea to put onions into salmon paste?! I can assure them that if I ever find out who it was I shall do them a grave injury!

Anyway, I suppose I really should try and get some sleep... last night was a disaster, sleep-wise... I went to bed at 9.40 pm, I was woken up every hour by noisy people (Sissy and Pingu) going to the bloody toilet (which is next to my bedroom) and then the noisy cow next door starting doing something in her kitchen (which shares a wall with my bedroom) which woke me up completely at 1.07am, and she kept my awake until gone 4am! If it keeps on I'm going to have words with her, selfish cow, I can't handle the double onslaught of noise! I can handle either noise here or in there, but not both at once. I have been forced to listen to my MP3 player, just to try and block it all out... don't get me wrong, I adore Siouxsie and the Banshees (the album that is currently the first one that plays when I turn it on), but sometimes all I want is peace and quiet!! Is that too much to ask for in the early hours of the morning?!?!

I've just had a damn fly buzz me in the right ear!! Freaked me the hell out and now I'm not going to be able to sleep until it's either gone away or dead... bring on the Raid!

All told this has been a day that I am going to try and quickly forget... it sucked... BIG TIME!!

I feel dreadful...

... my throat is burning, my nose is blocked and also running (make up your mind!), my body aches and I've had four hours sleep since I woke up on Wednesday! All I've felt like doing is read, but with the house looking like a rubbish tip I've had no choice but to do as much as I can.

I just wish my throat would stop hurting... it makes breathing painful, and for some reason lately whenever I catch something it always goes straight to my throat and voice box and I end up either losing my voice completely or else I end up with a voice so husky and gravelly that I sound like Barry White!!

Bugger Pingu for bringing his rotten germs into the house and infecting us all... all five of us have something wrong with us because of all of the coughing and sneezing that he did earlier in the week... you'd think that tissues had never been invented the way he was carrying on... not even putting his hand over his mouth - just coughing and covering as much airspace around him (and also anyone in it) as possible... splendid!

I wonder if I'm developing insomnia? I seem to have real trouble getting to sleep lately. I have nothing important on my mind... no imminent threats of any kind regarding money or other stuff... to be frank I couldn't give a toss about that kind of thing these days, all of my past worrying got me nowhere so why bother? The only thing that sets me off is if we have trouble with our mortgage... I can handle everything except the thought of being homeless, lol!

Maybe it's having two other people in the house... and two very noisy ones at that! Housework seems never ending with them here now... no sooner has the washing up been done than there are plates and cups back in the sink **sigh** and don't even get me started on the laundry! In the past three days the poor washing machine has had to cope with six loads of washing... and we have a very large capacity drum on our machine, too. I wouldn't mind so much, but they are 19 and 24 years old, so they are not babies, but apart from making mess they always seem to conveniently disappear when it's time to clear it up!

**Deep sigh** I suppose I am just in a bit of a grumpy mood, what with feeling crap and also the lack of sleep... I just feel sort of - overwhelmed, somehow... and I get the distinct impression sometimes that this house is not my own anymore... I can't really put my finger on it... I just really miss the quiet and can't get used to the seemingly constant smell of garlic that is pervading the house from all of the curries and junk food that they both eat! (one good thing about having a blocked nose is that I am spared having to endure the offensive whiff... or maybe my cutting all alliums from my diet, which includes both onions and garlic, makes me more sensitive to their odour?)

I'm going to shut up moaning now and see about trying to get some sleep... I think I am going to be needed in my capacity as chauffeur later today... and I don't like driving tired... I find falling asleep at the wheel not conducive to living a long and mediocre life (I would say happy life, but just lately I don't feel very happy! hehe).

Why do bunged up noses always seem to get worse at night? Just when you need to be able to breathe properly you suddenly can't!!

Think I'll pull the curtains back and stare at the beautiful half moon I can see until I fall asleep...

I feel really "blah"

I can't really describe just how I feel, but I wish I could crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there for a week! I am so tired today... maybe because I actually did something for a change?! I took E to school, got a few bits for tonight's dinner and then went and did the weekly shop with Mum. More than I usually do, lol.

I have been on a cake making binge lately (binge is a tad strong, but I can't think of a suitable alternative, for some reason). In the past three or four days I've made two victoria sponges, one chocolate sponge (with fresh cream) and twenty four fairy cakes... that is a lot for me to make in a month, let alone less than a week.



I am dreading doing the school run... just the thought of another week of B being stupid and not doing as he's told is enough to send even the most patient person heading for the hills... I really don't stand a chance, do I? hehe. Friday was lovely as there were no kids here... bliss I tell ya!

Anyhoo... I suppose I'd better get going... better to be on time rather than late (as usual!)

I feel very strange...

... I think I'm coming down with something, and I don't like it. My throat feels sort of scratchy and I always feel as if there is something stuck in my throat and I can't get rid of it. I also feel a bit achey, but I don't know if that's because I'm ill or because I moved a wardrobe yesterday.

I just don't feel 100%... I think I might have an early-ish night tonight and see if that helps.

Sometimes, Sissy drives me insane!! She was meant to not be going back to Brighton for about a month (she sorted it all out earlier this week, even getting an extension on her essay), but now she is going back tomorrow as her friend reminded her that they have tickets for some kind of show... so now she is going back tomorrow, staying tomorrow night/Thursday and then coming back early on Friday. So it looks like I'll be taking her tomorrow (no word on where the money for the diesel is coming from!!) and I'm not sure about Friday, but I know I cannot get her as I'm working (emergency babysitting).

I just wish she could make a decision and bloody stick to it! I love her dearly, but I have no desire to keep going backwards and forwards to Brighton all the damn time... the drive tires me intensely (and she always seems to go back in the dark, which I hate driving in as most of the journey is on motorways without lights and I always seem to get lost on the way back **sigh**)... that and she never thinks to pay for the fuel, and I can't keep affording the £15 per journey it takes to get her there and then get home again!

I am so tired... again!

Did the school run on the bus (way there) and on foot (way home) earlier today. Now I am the worlds' laziest person, so for me to walk a mile and a half in one go is a fairly big deal... especially with a seven and four year old as well. My feet and back hurt, but apart from that I don't feel too bad. I just wish that I could get rid of this head cold!

I have laryngitis now. I sounded like a teenaged boy with a breaking voice earlier today, but as time is going on I am getting more and more croaky and my ability to speak is decreasing. Would never be surprised if I don't lose my voice entirely in the very near future (not a good thing to happen when you look after kids and need to be able to do things like talk to them!!) Fortunately I don't have a sore throat, though, so at least I don't have that extra pain.

All I really want to do is go to bed, but if I go now I will be up at four in the morning, so I'll have to hang it out until at least 11pm (the past has shown that my going to bed any earlier than 11pm, except in the case of severe illness, just wakes me up far too early in the morning and by the afternoon school run I'm asleep on my feet... which is not good when I have to walk on them LOL!)


Mum phoned the mechanic that came round last time (Lee) and he is coming to have a look at "The-Embarrassing-Mobile" on Saturday. Fingers crossed for good news!

I feel really weird...

... my stomach is churning and I feel as if I'm going to be sick, which is not a nice feeling (especially for someone with a phobia of vomit, like me!)

I feel as if someone is squeezing me around the waist really hard, and I'm having to sit up very straight in order not to just throw up!

I do hope this passes soon, I can't afford to be sick now... I have kids to collect regardless of how I personally feel, so I do hope it's gone tomorrow!!!

Go away nausea, just please, please, please go away.

So tired

That is how I feel... all the time. I didn't get up today until 11.30 am! I start work at 8... just as well Mum was up to answer the door for the little girl we take to school in the mornings, I never heard a thing!!

I don't seem to have the energy to do anything much except sit in my chair and type, and even doing that saps most of the energy that I have. Whatever this cold thing/virus is, it seems to be worse than a normal cold - I can usually get rid of a regular cold in about four or five days, but I've had this for nine days now and it shows no sign of going. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and stay there... not good when you have to take kids to and from school (though fortunately neither Mum or I have to go out this afternoon, as the little girl is going with her Grandad, and the boys are going with their Dad... so YAY!)

I think that I will have to get some form of tonic - Seven Seas do one that is for times when you feel run down or are recovering from illness... it sure as hell can't hurt, and it may do some good (will have to see if there is any money left come payday).

I was meant to be taking some pics for the nature blog, but it's the last day of September and I still haven't... maybe I will just take one of the tree across the road and make that my subject for seasonal study... it's a big deciduous, so it drops it's leaves and goes from green to many shades of dark red to purple before it gets to bare branches (I have no idea on the species, there are no branches close enough to the ground for me to get a branch for identification purposes... silly owners cut them off at the lower levels!). At least it's close to home, LOL!

Ever get the feeling...

... that something's wrong, but you just can't put your finger on what it is? That's how I feel at the moment. I'm not worrying about anything (well, not that I'm aware of), but I still feel as if something is not quite right.

I have a strange feeling, almost as if I'm being watched, not in real life, but online. Nothing has happened, and I'm probably being silly, but it's how I feel... unsettled somehow (it's difficult to explain **sigh**).

Maybe it's to do with the head cold that I'm only just starting to get over. I've had it nearly a week, and I just can't get it to go. I'm on echinacea pills, honey and lemon, I'm getting enough fluids and sleep, same for fresh air... but I still feel as if someone has conked me on the head with a mallet! I was out food shopping today and I felt almost like I was in a walking dream state... if I'd woken up and still been in bed I wouldn't have been suprised, it was totally surreal.

Now I've given the dreaded virus to Mum, too (I feel really guilty about that) so she has to go through all of the nastiness that I've just experienced! Splendid!! My voice also sounds croaky and quite creepy, too, and sometimes just gives out altogether... not good when you need a voice to deal with unruly kids!

I feel dreadful

I have a sore throat, runny nose, headache and I generally feel ill. Not good. I really should go to bed, but the more I sleep the worse my sore throat becomes as I end up sleeping with my mouth open because of my stuffy nose (typical!!).

I'm just waiting for it to move into my sinuses, it always does, so I have a pounding headache and sore face to look forward to, splendid **sigh**

I really don't need this... all of this time, when I haven't needed to go out in the afternoons for a school pick up, I've been fine, but from today I have to go and collect two boys from school, and I come down with a cold! The irony isn't lost on me, lol! Still, I suppose it could be worse, it could be the middle of winter, and I could have swine flu, hahaha! At least if I get it now, I won't get it later on (I seem to only get one cold a year, so hopefully this is that one... fingers crossed, eh.)