I'm still searching for my true beliefs... I can't seem to put my finger on exactly what they are, but I'm determined not to give up. I'll get there eventually. Until I do I think it's best if I avoid all online forums that deal with faith... I don't want to get confused (again) whilst I'm searching for my beliefs, I've adopted the opinions and views of others far too often in the past, and until I get a grasp on mine I'm not going to risk getting side-tracked again... I'm far too easily led and eager to change my views to accommodate others at the moment, so until I get my thoughts straight in my own head, I'll stick to online time spent at FB and DragCave.
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Dad fell over again today...
... in the kitchen, over the huge and highly visable cardboard tube that our new lino was wrapped around! His fall was slightly broken by Mum's office chair, but he still hit is left knee (his bad one) and whacked his head on the floor. Now he has a lump on the right side of his head and is having a lay down (he had the fall at about 11am this morning so it should be ok now, concussion-wise, that is).
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
We are getting the new car...
... I have to go and collect it next Wednesday between 10.30 and 11am!!
I should be excited, but I just can't be... it seems too good to be true, and until I actually have the keys in my hand and drive the car away it won't actually sink in. So many times in the past I've got all excited about things, only for them to never happen, so I think it's best if I let the inner pessimist loose (just this once) and not get my hopes up.
We also had the MedEquip people round this morning, delivering some of the things that the occupational health visitor suggested Dad might need... some of the things are dumb, like the seat for sitting in the bath that sits on the top of the bath meaning that nothing but your feet are in the water, or that if you're having a shower because there is no way to get the shower curtain under the thing, that the water will just pour down the shower curtain and the outside of the bath and make the floor all wet! The only good about it is that if you were having a shower it would give you a place to sit down if you needed to, but my Dad has the shortest showers, ever... he considers anything over five minutes as long, so I can't see the point of it! They are coming back tomorrow to put leg extenders on the chairs in the back room (so that it's easier for him to get up out of the chairs), but then again he rarely sits in there anymore, so again I can't really see the point... and if they are not able to take my weight that means that I can't sit in them (which is stupid as I sit in them more than he does!). They gave him a grabbing thing for picking stuff up, which is rubbish as my Nana had one, and we sent it back, but the one thing that he does need (**TMI ALERT** something to help him clean himself after he has a poo, as he cannot reach anymore and it's a real struggle for him), they know nothing about! So much for that, then **sigh**
I feel quite strange today... sort of unsettled about something, I can't really put my finger on it... there is just something not quite right. Maybe it's because I got up late and I feel all off kilter, time wise. I'm used to getting up and going for a walk in the morning, but this morning as it was so cold (and the cold air really affects my seasonal asthma and makes me cough and feel as if I have something constricting my chest) Mum let me stay in bed. I wish that I'd got up now, my back is killing me and I think I was having a weird dream, but I can't remember it. This head cold has also brought back the low pitched humming in my right ear, which is really annoying... even when there is silence I still have the humming, in fact the quieter it is, the louder the humming seems to get!
Even the grey of the sky is starting to piss me off... I can honestly say that I can't wait for spring this year. Even for just a day of sunshine or failing that just a hint of blue sky... it would make all the difference. Everything just seems so dismal and boring... there doesn't seem to be any life to see anywhere, when all is so ashen and bare. Everything seems so dark and depressing. I can see why people get depressed in winter or suffer from SAD, I'm just fed up with it now, I can't imagine what it must be like to be actually deeply affected by it for months on end. Anyone that is has by complete sympathy!
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Well...
... we went and sorted out the car. The guy in the dealership says that he can't see any reason for the claim to not go through, and we should hear by Tuesday (although the car could take anything from a week to a month to be ready for us to have).
Dad did come with us, and he's paying for it now! We got back by midday, and I've only seen him once since then... he's been laying down, and on the walk down the hill on the return journey he had to stop five times to rest and have a sit down! I can honestly say that I can't wait for the car to get here in terms of him not having to push himself past his physical limits anymore. He also nearly fell over on the way home in trying to run for a bus! It was a bloody stupid thing to do, and he got right told off by both Mum and me for doing it, too.
I'm not getting my hopes up, just in case there is some problem and the claim is rejected (I can't see why, and the guy actually said that he can see no reason why it shouldn't go through... one of the few things that would have stopped it would have been if there had been any active points on either my or my Dad's driving licences - I have none, and Dad had three points, but that was in 1986, so they are well and truly gone now!)
I have no idea what to do about my car, though... it's still upsetting for me to think of it being crushed, maybe because it's got so many new parts on it, we've only just had the starter motor, exhaust and battery replaced... I just have so many mixed feeling swirling around in my head at the moment, so it's probably best for me to not think too much about it **sigh**
Dad did come with us, and he's paying for it now! We got back by midday, and I've only seen him once since then... he's been laying down, and on the walk down the hill on the return journey he had to stop five times to rest and have a sit down! I can honestly say that I can't wait for the car to get here in terms of him not having to push himself past his physical limits anymore. He also nearly fell over on the way home in trying to run for a bus! It was a bloody stupid thing to do, and he got right told off by both Mum and me for doing it, too.
I'm not getting my hopes up, just in case there is some problem and the claim is rejected (I can't see why, and the guy actually said that he can see no reason why it shouldn't go through... one of the few things that would have stopped it would have been if there had been any active points on either my or my Dad's driving licences - I have none, and Dad had three points, but that was in 1986, so they are well and truly gone now!)
I have no idea what to do about my car, though... it's still upsetting for me to think of it being crushed, maybe because it's got so many new parts on it, we've only just had the starter motor, exhaust and battery replaced... I just have so many mixed feeling swirling around in my head at the moment, so it's probably best for me to not think too much about it **sigh**
I went upstairs atfter I wrote the entry below this one...
... and I cried my eyes out. I cried so much that in the end I cried myself to sleep. Silly, I know, but I couldn't stop myself.
I do feel better now, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't take much to make me feel sad again.
Anyway... roll on tomorrow (or later today, I should say). I just really hope that Dad is not going to try and come with us, but I have a nasty feeling that he will! The stubborn old git just will not accept his limitations! That would look really good, wouldn't it, we are going to try and get a car for a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards, and the stubborn old git is going to try (and no doubt knacker himself in the process) by coming with us, thereby seemingly degating the claim that makes us eligible for the car in the first place! That only makes logical sense in my father's brain, hehe.
I'm hoping that he'll still be asleep when we leave, but knowing him, he'll be awake.
I am talking to him now, and using my (hopefully successful) powers of persuasion to get him to stay here... fingers crossed with that one... I'd probably have more luck trying to change a piece of cheese into a diamond! LOL!
I think I may have gotten through to him (although it will probably have made no difference come the morning... I may just have to get the pickaxe handle ready and give him a whop on the noggin with it if he tries to come with us! If you hear a man scream in pain, that'll be my Dad ;) )
I do feel better now, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't take much to make me feel sad again.
Anyway... roll on tomorrow (or later today, I should say). I just really hope that Dad is not going to try and come with us, but I have a nasty feeling that he will! The stubborn old git just will not accept his limitations! That would look really good, wouldn't it, we are going to try and get a car for a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards, and the stubborn old git is going to try (and no doubt knacker himself in the process) by coming with us, thereby seemingly degating the claim that makes us eligible for the car in the first place! That only makes logical sense in my father's brain, hehe.
I'm hoping that he'll still be asleep when we leave, but knowing him, he'll be awake.
I am talking to him now, and using my (hopefully successful) powers of persuasion to get him to stay here... fingers crossed with that one... I'd probably have more luck trying to change a piece of cheese into a diamond! LOL!
I think I may have gotten through to him (although it will probably have made no difference come the morning... I may just have to get the pickaxe handle ready and give him a whop on the noggin with it if he tries to come with us! If you hear a man scream in pain, that'll be my Dad ;) )
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Happy New Year!!!
Or not!
Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).
I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).
So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)
All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).
We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)
There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.
I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**
Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).
I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).
So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)
All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).
We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)
There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.
I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**
Saturday, 2 January 2010
What a way to start the new year!!
I had a headache, and I only had one newcastle brown ale shandy, so I can't even blame the drink, LOL!!
I actually made some resolutions for this year, I will probably break them all, but I'll have a go just the same, hehe.
I actually made some resolutions for this year, I will probably break them all, but I'll have a go just the same, hehe.
- Eat more sensibly.
- Lose some weight (at least two stone).
- Get more exercise.
- Chill out and stop moaning.
- Stop worrying.
- Stay positive.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Dad fell in the bath...
... whilst he was having a shower this morning!!!!! He went with an almighty crash and it took both Mum and me to get him up again! The combination of him being shaky on his feet, rushing to get to a doctor's appointment and not putting down the rubber mat in the bottom of the bath all conspired to cause him to fall flat on his bum. He's a bit shaken by it, even now and it happened about two hours ago now.
I feel quite sorry for him really... his mobility has gotten worse since the summer... whether it's the cold or the steady deterioation of his physical health, I'm not sure... all I do know is that it was a most undignified start to the day for him (although I did not see anything as I looked away and covered him with a towel before I lifted him... I had to as he was all soapy and wet, lol).
If the council ask if we would like to have the bath removed and have a shower tray put in then we are going to say yes... we may even approach them and see if it can be done... I'll just have to get on with it and find another way of washing my hair between showers... I'd rather go back to washing my hair in the sink than have him fall over again... fortunately he was unhurt (no cuts, grazes, bruises or broken bones) this time, the next time he may not be so lucky!
I feel quite sorry for him really... his mobility has gotten worse since the summer... whether it's the cold or the steady deterioation of his physical health, I'm not sure... all I do know is that it was a most undignified start to the day for him (although I did not see anything as I looked away and covered him with a towel before I lifted him... I had to as he was all soapy and wet, lol).
If the council ask if we would like to have the bath removed and have a shower tray put in then we are going to say yes... we may even approach them and see if it can be done... I'll just have to get on with it and find another way of washing my hair between showers... I'd rather go back to washing my hair in the sink than have him fall over again... fortunately he was unhurt (no cuts, grazes, bruises or broken bones) this time, the next time he may not be so lucky!
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Some good news, though.
We finally got a reply from the DLA (Disability Living Allowance) about my Dad's claim... and they said YES!!!
Such good news, especially as they have back-dated the money to June of this year, so not only do we get more money monthly, but we also have had a nice lump sum put in the bank! **does the happy dance**
That money will come in so handy, and we have already used some of it to pay the mortgage that hadn't been paid for last month as there is a hold up with one of the Mum's getting her Family Tax Credits (this makes seven weeks now that I haven't been paid) and we were starting to get letters from the building society getting nastier everytime, so hopefully now they will stop and I will be able to not have to panic at night before I go to sleep about being homeless for christmas! (and all week despite my best efforts, I have been worrying about just that).
Dad is also happier as he feels that he's doing something to help us out, even though it's just getting the money that he actually deserves (as so many times in the past he's been more or less told to sod off!)
Such good news, especially as they have back-dated the money to June of this year, so not only do we get more money monthly, but we also have had a nice lump sum put in the bank! **does the happy dance**
That money will come in so handy, and we have already used some of it to pay the mortgage that hadn't been paid for last month as there is a hold up with one of the Mum's getting her Family Tax Credits (this makes seven weeks now that I haven't been paid) and we were starting to get letters from the building society getting nastier everytime, so hopefully now they will stop and I will be able to not have to panic at night before I go to sleep about being homeless for christmas! (and all week despite my best efforts, I have been worrying about just that).
Dad is also happier as he feels that he's doing something to help us out, even though it's just getting the money that he actually deserves (as so many times in the past he's been more or less told to sod off!)
Saturday, 12 September 2009
I should be in bed, but all the while I have a connection...
...I'm going to use it, LOL!
I felt dreadful yesterday... I don't know why, but I had terrible stomach pains (I was almost bent double with agony).
That kind of put the end to a fairly crap week, really. Dad fell over again, fortunately he was in the house, but he was really shaken up about it (which is understandable) and now he says that his arm hurts, he must have landed on it when he fell. Plus, I am now on half pay for about two months as the little girl I get paid to care for is not going to be here. Her grandmother is coming over from Nigeria, and I could either take a pay cut or her mother was going to take her out altogether! Combine that with the fact that the 11 year old that we have is leaving in a month, for good, and it's not been the best of weeks (my ability for understatement is working well tonight, LOL!)
The cherry on the top of that glorious cake is that I have a headache and the cold nights have brought on the aching pain in my right arm (splendid!)
Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there... Sleeping Beauty had the right idea (well it wasn't her idea, but you catch my drift **sigh**). I don't know who it was that said "Stop the world... I want to get off" but I understand their sentiment when they said it, LOL!
I often wonder if my life has gone for a burton for a reason that I'm just not seeing, or if I just moan too much about stupid things that don't really matter. Compared to many people I have so much, and all I seem to do lately is moan! I have a nice house, a car, a job (of sorts), parents that love me, my health (most of the time), my sanity (though my memory is getting dreadful lately!). I can walk, talk, think, live all without the aid of another living soul, and all I find myself doing is griping about how bad things are for me... very pathetic really, when I stop and think about it. There are many things that I could do, that I don't, and things that I shouldn't do, that I do far too much of (most of the time!)
My faith is one thing that I said I was going to work on, and what have I been doing about giving it a kick-start? Bugger all, is what! I'm fairly stumped in where to start there, to be honest. Reading some of the books that I read when I started out hasn't helped... all they've done is show me the things that I don't believe, and not helped me pinpoint the things that I do! I suppose that's a start, but I was hoping for more than that (I've always been too impatient, so nothing has changed there anyway!).
I was reading books about Wicca, and as much as I'd like to believe in it (Wicca), there are just things that I can't... like the way that they view deity. The duality I agree with, a goddess and god, but I can't see all the gods that have ever been as just facets of some kind of super deity (the analogy of a disco ball was used, each god or goddess being but a facet of a larger god or goddess) and then them being just aspects of a higher power. I understand the concept... something so vast and beyond human comprehension that we have to somehow shrink it to fit our views. To my way of thinking, that robs the gods of their identities, and to reduce them down to mere aspects of something bigger denies them being who they truly are... which to my mind is individual gods in their own right, all capable of doing their own thing in their own time and way. It's like saying that all the women and men on earth are just a small part of a bigger man and woman, I don't buy it. Now... to say that we (gods and mortals) are a part of "something" larger than us all, a "Higher Power" "Cosmic Force" "Supreme Being" "Universal Energy" call it what you will, that to me makes sense. I mean, from where do the gods get their power? It must come from somewhere and cannot all surely be from themselves or from our belief in them (if you believe that gods use the power of human belief as the source of their power, which I'm not sure about, to be honest, big surprise there LOL!).
Maybe I'm thinking about it all too deeply... or maybe I'm not thinking about it deeply enough - who knows, I don't seem to! Maybe I should just find a deity (or many) that I like and that I "connect to" and just leave it at that... just honour them in the best way I can and not think too deeply about how and why they are here, and just accept that they are! Keep it simple... because trying to make it more complex isn't really getting me anywhere fast - in fact I'm not getting anywhere at all!!!
I felt dreadful yesterday... I don't know why, but I had terrible stomach pains (I was almost bent double with agony).
That kind of put the end to a fairly crap week, really. Dad fell over again, fortunately he was in the house, but he was really shaken up about it (which is understandable) and now he says that his arm hurts, he must have landed on it when he fell. Plus, I am now on half pay for about two months as the little girl I get paid to care for is not going to be here. Her grandmother is coming over from Nigeria, and I could either take a pay cut or her mother was going to take her out altogether! Combine that with the fact that the 11 year old that we have is leaving in a month, for good, and it's not been the best of weeks (my ability for understatement is working well tonight, LOL!)
The cherry on the top of that glorious cake is that I have a headache and the cold nights have brought on the aching pain in my right arm (splendid!)
Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there... Sleeping Beauty had the right idea (well it wasn't her idea, but you catch my drift **sigh**). I don't know who it was that said "Stop the world... I want to get off" but I understand their sentiment when they said it, LOL!
I often wonder if my life has gone for a burton for a reason that I'm just not seeing, or if I just moan too much about stupid things that don't really matter. Compared to many people I have so much, and all I seem to do lately is moan! I have a nice house, a car, a job (of sorts), parents that love me, my health (most of the time), my sanity (though my memory is getting dreadful lately!). I can walk, talk, think, live all without the aid of another living soul, and all I find myself doing is griping about how bad things are for me... very pathetic really, when I stop and think about it. There are many things that I could do, that I don't, and things that I shouldn't do, that I do far too much of (most of the time!)
My faith is one thing that I said I was going to work on, and what have I been doing about giving it a kick-start? Bugger all, is what! I'm fairly stumped in where to start there, to be honest. Reading some of the books that I read when I started out hasn't helped... all they've done is show me the things that I don't believe, and not helped me pinpoint the things that I do! I suppose that's a start, but I was hoping for more than that (I've always been too impatient, so nothing has changed there anyway!).
I was reading books about Wicca, and as much as I'd like to believe in it (Wicca), there are just things that I can't... like the way that they view deity. The duality I agree with, a goddess and god, but I can't see all the gods that have ever been as just facets of some kind of super deity (the analogy of a disco ball was used, each god or goddess being but a facet of a larger god or goddess) and then them being just aspects of a higher power. I understand the concept... something so vast and beyond human comprehension that we have to somehow shrink it to fit our views. To my way of thinking, that robs the gods of their identities, and to reduce them down to mere aspects of something bigger denies them being who they truly are... which to my mind is individual gods in their own right, all capable of doing their own thing in their own time and way. It's like saying that all the women and men on earth are just a small part of a bigger man and woman, I don't buy it. Now... to say that we (gods and mortals) are a part of "something" larger than us all, a "Higher Power" "Cosmic Force" "Supreme Being" "Universal Energy" call it what you will, that to me makes sense. I mean, from where do the gods get their power? It must come from somewhere and cannot all surely be from themselves or from our belief in them (if you believe that gods use the power of human belief as the source of their power, which I'm not sure about, to be honest, big surprise there LOL!).
Maybe I'm thinking about it all too deeply... or maybe I'm not thinking about it deeply enough - who knows, I don't seem to! Maybe I should just find a deity (or many) that I like and that I "connect to" and just leave it at that... just honour them in the best way I can and not think too deeply about how and why they are here, and just accept that they are! Keep it simple... because trying to make it more complex isn't really getting me anywhere fast - in fact I'm not getting anywhere at all!!!
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Thoughts about my Dad and depression
My dad is the kind of guy that you can't reason with (to try is akin to smashing your head against a very well built brick wall). Being stubborn is a trait that is elevated almost to an art form in this house. Regardless of what happens, though, I am determined not to follow the pattern as dictated by my fraternal genes (depression has been passed down from my grandmother to my father, and it stops right there!). I point-blank refuse to become a depressive person... I couldn't do that to my mum. We have a tendancy to cling to each other in adverse situations, and without each other we would probably both go insane, LOL!
I also know just how easy it would be to give in... some days I am just so very tired, but I've started blogging and writing a journal and it's really helping me to get the thoughts out and discuss them (just pulling them apart myself is enough, most of the time).
The first time my dad had a nervous breakdown that I can remember (he first did it when I was about six months old) I was totally devastated, my heart literally broke. To see the strong, tough man that I once knew, sitting in a chair and staring at nothing (after being sectioned for trying to commit suicide with an od of sleeping pills) is an image that I can never forget. That was 11 years ago. I was 21, what a welcome to adulthood, lol!
The second time he ended up in hospital was about 4 years ago. Since then he's been "officially" retired and claiming his state pension... and does virtually nothing. Very sad. But then he'll come in to the kitchen, like just now, and you'd think that nothing was the matter... it's baffling, to be honest.
I've learnt to cope, somewhat, by never letting people get in, to never let my guard down, so to speak. It gives the impression that I'm fairly cold and unfeeling, but it's the direct opposite, really. The people that know me fully understand that it's my way of coping so they let it slide. We all have our ways of dealing with things, but after months of crying and moaning I came to the conclusion that all I was doing was upsetting myself even more than dad did. Not very productive, lol.
I also know just how easy it would be to give in... some days I am just so very tired, but I've started blogging and writing a journal and it's really helping me to get the thoughts out and discuss them (just pulling them apart myself is enough, most of the time).
The first time my dad had a nervous breakdown that I can remember (he first did it when I was about six months old) I was totally devastated, my heart literally broke. To see the strong, tough man that I once knew, sitting in a chair and staring at nothing (after being sectioned for trying to commit suicide with an od of sleeping pills) is an image that I can never forget. That was 11 years ago. I was 21, what a welcome to adulthood, lol!
The second time he ended up in hospital was about 4 years ago. Since then he's been "officially" retired and claiming his state pension... and does virtually nothing. Very sad. But then he'll come in to the kitchen, like just now, and you'd think that nothing was the matter... it's baffling, to be honest.
I've learnt to cope, somewhat, by never letting people get in, to never let my guard down, so to speak. It gives the impression that I'm fairly cold and unfeeling, but it's the direct opposite, really. The people that know me fully understand that it's my way of coping so they let it slide. We all have our ways of dealing with things, but after months of crying and moaning I came to the conclusion that all I was doing was upsetting myself even more than dad did. Not very productive, lol.
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