My cat has a massive lump on his face!!

Well,  maybe massive is a strong word, large swelling would be more accurate, lol.

Sissy noticed it at about 10pm last night. After talking to some people about it it seems to be an abscess of some kind, so I have to take him to the vets. Never had a cat have something like this before... I just hope I can find the right letter so that we can take him to the PDSA... I hate to think how much a private vet would cost *eek*

He doesn't seem too bothered... he's fast asleep on my bed... typical Angel-boy!

***edited to add at 15.10: I have an appointment at our local private vets at 4.30pm today... the PDSA couldn't see him until Monday, and as the time for it was 3.15, and Mum would have had to go to fill in the paperwork I couldn't have taken her by car as the kids are still here then. That means having to get a bus, in the middle of the summer holidays, to a fairly rough place, with a scared cat in a pet carrier... I don't think so! His treatment could cost up to £100... but it's worth it to get the infection sorted rather than leave it growing for two more days. I'll just not have any spending money this month... he's worth every penny, though - I love that little guy***

It's pouring with rain here, and it's calming me down nicely - thank you Mother Nature. I needed calming after Sissy going off on one again this morning regarding my attitude to my work (and its more complex nature now). Fortunately we don't have to do that full eight day course starting in November... but we do have to do four modules over four Saturdays starting at the end of September instead! Oh well... I suppose it's better to get it our of the way. I am dreading it, though.

Sissy tried to goad me into an argument, but I wouldn't be goaded and in the finish I ignored her completely, saying that the reason I was not speaking to her was because she had made me angry and rather than say nasty hurtful things to her I was choosing to not say anything at all! She hated that, but in the end she apologised to me (I never to her... after all, she started it by giving out her opinion when I didn't ask for it!!) She said I was being childish in ignoring her, until I explained that I was actually being an adult and not lashing out her just because I could. She shut up then... even then I still had to retreat into my room for about 30 minutes and put some earplugs in, just so that I could have some peace and quiet and restore my sense of calm.

I think I had my first panic attack on Friday!

Sissy was laying into me about her view of personality disorders... saying that she feels that most people use them as an excuse to not do the things they should do, and I felt myself getting tenser and tenser until I had to pretend to be asleep in my chair in the hope she would go away!

She sat there talking to Mum and all I could think was "Go away, please, go away"... and I sat in the same position, rooted to the spot for so long that even after she left the room I couldn't move! I had to go to bed afterwards as I felt so mentally and physically drained that I couldn't even think straight, let alone do anything. I ended up crying in pure frustration at seeming to behave in such a weak way. It was kind of like being in your own body, but hearing things from very far away... like mentally cowering in a corner. Most strange, and not something that I ever want a repeat of!!

I really have to realise that I have an opinion and I have a right to air it... damn other people... and damn others for being able to affect me so badly.

One of the things I do all the time is to change my opinion to please the people around me... and I shouldn't do that. My opinion should please no one but myself, and if others don't like it, then TOUGH! But my wanting desperately for everyone to like me means I have the ability to think that the opinions and views of others are more important than my own, and they're not! When I'm around Sissy and Pingu, I can't even mention religion in passing, without them kicking off on some atheistic diatribe and discounting all of the worlds religions as nothing more than people refusing to live in the real world and trying to get "god/s" to solve all of their problems for them, or else use "god/s" as an excuse for all of the things that go wrong (or right). They constantly bring up the tired old argument of "if God is so brilliant, why does He allow suffering, and let bad things happen to good people?!" I have no idea how to counter stuff like that... or even if I want to - why should it be up to me to try and explain away their arguments when they are spat at me with such venom and arrogance? I'm not a Christian Apologetic and I have no idea of even where to start in trying to find an answer for them... but I am expected to (they fail to realise that regardless of what I say they will never understand it as they disagree, and never really understand that which they think is wrong - basically I'm damned either way  *sigh*).

How can I explain stuff that I am unsure of myself? I have no idea why there is suffering... but I do kind of understand that without it we would not be able to show empathy, compassion and understanding to other people - sometimes you really do have to have been there in order to be able to connect with others that are either going through similar things, or that have done in the past (or will do in the future). I know that all that I have suffered in my life has made me more able to comprehend other people more... I am able to use my experiences to help me understand what others are going through. Oftentimes you really do have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to truly know how they feel. Suffering brings understanding... even if at the time you don't actually realise it. That's my thoughts on it anyway... trying to get other people to understand my opinion, though... well... that's a different matter entirely  *sigh*

Had a really good chat with Sissy and Pingu tonight...

... the catalyst being a programme about two gay men that have paid surrogates to give them kids. The topic of the conversation meandered and covered all different topics, from films to racism... but it was really good to talk, and listen, to them, instead of them disappearing up to their room at 8.30-9pm which they always seem to do.

Just made a nice change from the norm of us all seeming to live in two seperate groups... us and them. It also helped me to get over the problem I always seem to have in voicing my opinion with people I don't know very well. My lack of confidence makes it so that I'm very wary of speaking up in company that is unknown to me. I have to get over that hurdle and I need to understand that I have as much right to my opinion as everyone else in the world... I am lucky enough to live in a country that allows free speech, so I really must not be afraid to have my voice (no matter if no one else but me holds those views!)


Was at one of my forums today and I heard the news that someone that I used to talk to has lost her eight year battle with breast cancer... she died in her sleep at 2am yesterday morning. She was such a kind person and when I joined the staff of the forum she was the one that made me welcome and showed me the ropes. Never, in all the years I'd known her did I realise she was ill, I thought she was in remission... sadly not so. RIP, Dede... you shall be missed by many people, and my thoughts are with your family at this tragic time.

Bye bye peace and quiet... and all things mobile phone-y!

Sissy and Pingu have come back from their four day wedding attendance thingie. They were in the house about five minutes before I felt crowded and quite claustrophobic in their presence. Maybe because they are both so very noisy and I'm not? Who knows. Plus, their chattering made me miss the first 20 minutes of Big Brother, which is a total crime!


My new mobile is really pissing me off... it has Bluetooth - but it can only be used for a headset and not for sending files, like phonebook contacts, music or pictures! I've never heard of a phone not being able to do that! I think I shall be taking it back... again. First the Sony one I tried (W995) got no signal at all in the house, anywhere, even upstairs! Now this one doesn't have proper Bluetooth.
It might seem trivial to some, but I like to be able to take pictures with me if I change phones, plus I like to be able to share them with other people, same goes for music... stupid LG GW620, I was just getting used to the phone when I found out. I have no idea which phone to go for now... I've been reading reviews online and none of the phones available for my monthly contract amount are very good. The best one seems to be the Nokia E72, so I might go for that one. I'm using Mum's old E63 at the moment and it has one bar of signal sat in our kitchen (which is fairly average for Virgin Mobile, 2 bars now, lol). I'm wondering if I should just cancel the contract altogether and just stay on ASDA (which use Vodafone signal towers, so it gets good coverage in the house, rarely below 2 bars even in this black spot of a kitchen we have... I blame the four storey houses across the road and the huge Victorian brick church on the corner, plus living at the bottom end of a hill, hehe), but I'd really like a new phone (my current phone a SonyEricsson K800i I've had for almost four years, and I always seem to come back to it eventually... it takes stunning pictures).

The only problem is that I can only get a contract with Virgin (I fail the credit checks for all the rest) and as a Virgin Media customer I also get extras on top, too. It's just finding a phone that ticks enough of the boxes of things that I feel are important in a phone... and some kind of signal and working Bluetooth are on my list, near the very top of it actually.

So much for the next day update, lol

I've not felt comfy in even opening this page in case it's seen by "other people".

Fortunately they are both gone until Sunday at the earliest. Their friends are getting married on Friday so they are staying nearer to the venue (Pingu is sort of second best man... he'll get none of the credit but the silly sod is doing all of the running around, getting the stuff sorted that the "real" best man will no doubt get the thanks for at the reception *sigh*). I've no idea just why it takes four days, but I'm not complaining. I think that Pingu is getting his new tattoo started on the Sunday, it will be going from his neck just by his ear right down his right arm to his elbow... I have no idea just how much it's costing, but he's already put down a £200 deposit and he's giving them another £100 on the day!... and something tells me that he'll be going back at least three more times (such a huge waste of money, but there we go... both of them always seem to find the cash for stuff like that, yet not for the bills they should be paying... madness *sigh*)

Anyway... I started work with more kids today. A brother and sister (he 2 1/2 and she 5), three days a week, Wed, Thu and Fri. It means I lose my half day off Wed and my day off on Fri (which is a shame as I'd got really used to them, lol), but it's money and the little boy (I'll call him by his initial, G) is infinitely better than I thought he would be... if anything it's his sister (C) that is a bit of a whinger, but it doesn't work with us (others have tried and failed in the past, hehe). They weren't meant to be here tomorrow as their Mum came in and said they were both going to their grans' house, but it turns out their gran bogged off down to her caravan so they will be here after all (that's the main reason the kids are with us, their Mum was always being let down when it came to family taking care of the kids... sometimes she even had to take time off work as there was no one to care for them as had been arranged beforehand! :( )

It's really nice having spare money again (I was paid this morning for this week, which was lovely). Just to go shopping and be able to buy something if I want to (even though there is now nothing that I want, so ironic, hehe). To not have to worry about either having gas and electricity or eating... to be able to pay our bills and not keep having to stall people with empty promises to pay them later - well, it makes all the difference in getting a good night's sleep!

I was woken up three times by Pingu last night! I was livid this morning... I never wake during the night, so if I'm woken I end up feeling as if I've not been to sleep. He woke me at 3am crashing about in the toilet... then his alarm was so loud it woke me at 4.30am... and then he woke me again when he left for work at just gone 5am. The first thing I did with my new wages was to go into my local chemist and buy £2's worth of earplugs! I've been looking at the garish hot-pink soft foam rubber things for weeks, but resisted the urge to get them. However, last night convinced me that it would be a sound investment, lol. Typical that I buy them and then the noise is gone as they are both away for four nights, hahaha! I have no doubt that they will be worth every penny when they return, though.

So loving the cooler weather at the moment... sadly it won't last, but it's so much nicer being able to sleep in a cool room instead of feeling as if you've just layed down in Satan's armpit!

So tired, so very, very tired...

... I will be updating this sometime tomorrow (when I can be assured of privacy, whenever that may be).

So much has happened in the last week and I need to use my written journal to remember it all. I seem to be able to write in that more easily than I can update here (and there is no way that I'm bringing that downstairs and alerting them to it's existance!). There's always the chance that this blog could be discovered by those that I don't wish to read it, so I have to update it when they are not around, and then close all tabs it is in, just in case they click it if I happen to walk away from the computer. Sissy and Pingu actually do that... read stuff over your shoulder, or lean over and read things whilst I'm sat here! I was stunned the first time Pingu did that! Their nosiness knows no bounds!

So now I make a habit of never leaving things I don't want them to read open in tabs - I don't want to have that "discussion"... easier all round to just close the things I wish to keep private. That's why I love my written diary... neither of them even know it exists, so I have more freedom to write without fear of discovery.

It's official... I HATE my digestive system...

... I can no longer eat anything containing onions (which includes leeks, shallots, spring onions and chives, and I'm also uncertain about garlic, too - they are all members of the allium family)... or too much pastry... or sausages or sausage-meat... or food that is too greasy. There are also other things that react badly with me, but I have to find them out as I go - which is not only painful, but time consuming, and it really spoils my day (and also puts a sour note on family dinners, too :( ) I just get a feeling of dread when it comes to my evening meal (breakfast is ok... no onions in cereal, lol) and lunch is ok, too (I always make my own lunch and never have anything ready-made anymore)... but evening meals are a minefield - the other day everyone else had a Chinese takeaway... and although it smelt lovely I could eat none of it... just in case there were onions in it........ARGH!!!

I am currently sat here with a stomach ache, and a dodgy bum (that I have a feeling is going to keep me up for most of the night!) I just want to have a normal digestive system... one that can process onions (and onion powder) - they are in so many things, even baked beans. There are so many things I miss desperately, sweet pickle on cheese sandwiches, worcestershire sauce to add flavour to food, even most shop bought soup contains onions and I don't always have time to make my own. **sigh** I just hate this so much!!

To add to my misery our dishwasher died yesterday, and after having one for 10 years to suddenly not have one is a total shock! I never realised just how excessive washing up can cause a backache (well, it does for me, and apart from Mum no one else seems to do any!)

Sissy also has ringworm! Ever since we found out I've felt itchy, though she is now on two doses of antibiotics (one oral, one topical) so hopefully it should be gone soon.

The one bright spot so far is that Wimbledon is on, so I have two weeks of great tv, lol!

Sissy is out for the day

I have to say I'm loving it. The peace, the quiet, the not having to worry about her walking into a room unexpectedly and seeing me writing this blog. Makes for a very relaxed house... of course it won't last, she'll be back later tonight and then Pingu will be back sometime tomorrow evening *sigh* T'was nice while it lasted, though, LOL!

I wish if it was going to rain it would just do it... the sky gets dark and then lightens up again... I get all excited when it gets dark and then... nothing!

So, the World Cup has started... yay [sarcasm/]. I admit to not caring one iota, I couldn't care less about it... all I do like is the empty shops and car parks on match days. I hate football, and I HATE football fans even more and I do not understand why they have to go so overboard. Every time I see a car that has those tatty looking flags on them I have an overwhelming urge to snap their sticks! Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to have a favourite sport... mine's tennis, for those that care... but I don't go walking down the street on the way to the pub to watch a game, wrapped in the England flag, wearing an England shirt, face done up like some kind of flag-wearing clown and singing "Three Lions on a shirt" off key at the top of my lungs at 6.30 in the evening, annoying the people in the houses on my way... do I?! Which is precisely what three morons did yesterday. **It was the off key singing, or shouting, that offended me the most... anyone that sings off key should have their voice box ripped from their throat and trampled into submission by a stampede of angry elephants... either that, or they should just NOT SING! It should be LAW! It's an extreme way to deal with off key singing, but it would work out in the long run (provided enough angry elephants could be located, of course).**

I have nothing against people being optimistic, or of having dreams of glory... I mean, come on, apart from 1966 the only chance we have of winning it is in the dreams of the fans, haha! I can't imagine the chaos and hysteria if we do somehow win... we've been carping on about the last time for long enough. If we were to win again the world would never hear the end of it! TWICE in 44 years! Total WINNERS!!!!! Hahahahaha.

I'm not in anyway un-patriotic, either, I love this country... but I don't think that cheering on a group of over-paid, ball-kicking, tossers that take themselves far too seriously for their own good is patriotic, either. I'm proud of this country for the people, the country itself and sport is way down on the list of things we should be proud of... we are known for having some of the worst football fans in the world, hardly people to be proud of!

If it weren't for football I wonder if the hooligan would ever have come to be? I've never heard of cricket hooligans, or tennis? Motor racing? Horse riding? Athletics? Rugby? Snooker? Darts? It seems as if the fans of all other sports can get along, keeping their team rivalry within bounds, except football. Now, I know that the vast majority of football fans are NOT in any way, violent hooligans... but the ones that are out there tarnish all of the rest... and I must admit to feeling afraid when around even a small gathering of football fans... maybe because I'm not one, or maybe because I don't fully understand the obsession, or maybe because I'm scared that one wrong word and there will be violence. All football fans look alike to me, and these days someone covered in tattoos and piercings is not, by default, the bad apple in the bunch, it's more likely to be the people that go un-noticed that are the bad ones... and there lies the problem, how do you tell a fan from a hooligan just by looking?. Who knows... all I do know is that people who are hooligans are totally pathetic and deserve harsh treatment!

Finally feeling better...

... although my nose is still giving me pain in the sinuses, from time to time. It's taking daily doses of antihistamines and four hourly painkillers just to stop me sounding like I have a finger up each nostril and to keep from getting banging headaches, and even then it only just works! I'm still so tired all the time, though... I don't understand just why I doing not much can knacker me so fast!

Now, Sissy is getting paranoid because Pingu is away in Ibiza for a stag do (a night is not good enough these days, it has to be four days!!). If she keeps on giving the old "if he did something over there I don't know what I'd do" spiel I may have to kill her. I just don't understand why they both feel they have to live in each others' pocket 24/7... drives me bonkers... it's not a relationship, it's being smothered. So glad I don't ever want to be with someone... if I did it would have to be "normal"... "normal" being two people that could go a few days without seeing each other and not whipping themselves up into a total frenzy of paranoia and convincing themselves that the other had cheated!! WTF?!?! I'd rather be single than be in a position like that... to be someone that needy, or to be around someone that needy, would probably turn me into a homicidal maniac.

I need my space, and if someone couldn't give me that, then BYE!

Maybe I'm just a cynical old bat, or maybe I just know my own mind... either way I prefer my way to the "desperately clinging to someone as if they are a life raft stopping me from drowning" crapola that I am witnessing with Sissy and Pingu.

Now the HOUSE looks like a bomb site!

Sissy went down to Brighton yesterday and got her stuff... at present it is in our front room... which means that no one else can get in there *sigh* She put some of it away earlier, but after spending the bank holiday drinking with her parents and their friends at her parents house (in Clacton) both she and Pingu were knackered and stopped the putting away after three bags... which leaves the bulk of it still in the front room! The other girls weren't happy on learning that they have no tv down there now (as the set in their front room was Sissy's)... but they have been such huge bitches that I feel no sympathy for them. They have shafted Sissy on paying for the last cable bill to the tune of £133! It should have been split four ways, but they are refusing to pay their three shares and seeing as the bill is in Sissy's name it leaves her having to pay for it all herself! One of them has also taken one dvd out of her Friends box set, and as two of the girls had locked their bedroom doors, there was no way she could get it back again!!

Who knows when the rest will get put away... Pingu is back to work from today and that leaves Sissy to put it all away herself (she can be really fussy and I don't want to get in her way... plus I still have to find a place to put all of the stuff that I had to move in order for her to get her stuff in!)

I have put my books away as best I can... "best" being piled up in rows three to four foot high outside my bedroom door! All of my bookcases are full and the floor seemed the safest place, lol.

The good news is (after getting attacked by more dust than I have ever seen in my life!) that on sorting them all out, I found books that I never knew I had and that I was actually going to go out and buy... I found Peter Pan - JM Barrie, The Iliad and The Odyssey - Homer, Classics like The Phantom of the Opera, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and also things I'd forgotten all about, my complete set of Adrian Mole books (which still make me laugh), a huge compilation of all of the Sherlock Holmes stories, my Asterix comic books, a complete set of The Worst Witch stories (I loved them, and on reading Harry Potter it all seemed very familiar having read them), all of my Clive Cussler adventure novels and a book titled Sherlock Holmes vs Dracula... which I'm about to start reading now.

I took my library books back the other day and I was going to have a look and see what they had, and then I thought to myself, why am I bothering?! I probably have more books than they do, and most of mine are unread (or read so long ago they could do with re-reading lol). So I left empty-handed.

I was determined that not one book was going to leave this house, and none of them have... I was even prepared to stack them on my bedroom floor. I put all of the books that I wasn't all that fussed about into a huge wooden tallboy, and then put the sofa back in front of the doors. The books are safe, dust-free and out of the way. There is still lots to do (both in my room and also the rest of the house) but we have the rest of this school holiday off (no kids here) so we can go at our own pace... very handy seeing as Mum's hand still hasn't healed after Josh bit her... it's been four weeks now and she is on her fourth set of antibiotics!! She also has to change her dressing every day, but it is slowly getting better... very slowly mind - but then I suppose slowly better is preferable to not getting better at all!

So, this all means that Pingu has moved in with us (and will hopefully start paying some actual rent from his next pay day, which will help the mortgage)... Sissy has been accepted at one of the uni's up here so she is probably going to finish her degree at the South Bank come September... and everything else will be handled as it comes along LOL! Having made a sort of desk of an old shelf across some books in front of my bedroom window I can update my blog and written journal without the chance of getting "caught" by Sissy, and fortunately the wireless broadband actually seems to work in my room now, which has pleased me no end.

And to top it all off I actually managed to get an egg at DragCave that I've been desperately trying to snag since last year (I'm sure that it being Memorial Day in America is the reason I was able to get it, though... a total fluke, lol!... still, I'm not complaining). A good end to a tiring weekend.

My bedroom now looks like a bomb site!

Sissy asked if she could move her bed, and that means that I've had to move a huge metal bookcase, full of my books into my room. I have the smallest bedroom in the house, and now it's full of books and there is barely room to move.

It really upset me earlier when I went and had a look at her room... she has enough room to dance in and I now have so little room that I have to crawl over my bed in order to open my bedroom window! (as I can no longer stand in front of it as there are books piled up all over the floor).

There are also books on the floor outside my bedroom door... and I have no idea where I am going to put them... I'm thinking I'm going to have to get rid of some of them, which is something I hate doing... I hate giving up my books, they are so expensive these days, and they have cost me a lot of money in the past. I also don't see why I should have to - especially when Sissy agreed to them staying in her room when we let her have it!!

I was so angry about it earlier that I cried... it just made me feel that my stuff is of lesser importance than theirs... and I should just get my shit out of their room! It made me feel like an outcast in my own home.

Lugging all of the heavy hardbacks has given me a killer backache and also made my bad arm flare up again, to such an extent that I cannot lift the books any more today... not helpful when you're trying to get them put away **sigh**

Sissy has left Brighton university!

She just could not stand being down in Brighton any more. She was due to go back there today, but she ended up getting so upset at the thought of it that she almost had a panic attack! She was in a place she grew to hate, with people that she grew to hate, doing a course that she grew to hate... can't see the point of staying and racking up more and more student loans just to say you have a degree in a subject that you have no interest in... plus the only job that her current course will lead to is social work and I doubt she could handle the emotional burden of that career.

She's going to see about transferring the final year of study to up here, but if that doesn't pan out she will probably either get a job and do NVQ's at the same time, or go back to uni up here in a subject that she actually likes... makes more sense, even doing a degree course in something that has more than one job option at the end of it, just in case your choice of career changes over time.

She has had such an emotional day, it seemed as if for half of it she was crying... nearly broke my heart seeing her so unhappy. Pingu is ok about her leaving, he was just concerned about her making the wrong decision, but after seeing the change in her mood when the weight of stress was lifted from her, he soon realised that her happiness was more important.

The people she was most dreading telling were "The Parents"... her Dad was surprisingly accepting of her choice, but her Mum was a different story... she eventually had no choice but to come round to the idea when Sissy stood her ground and told her that it's what she wants to do that is the most important (about time she did that, too!!)

The other girls that she shared a house with down there gave her major lectures over the phone concerning her leaving, but they fail to realise that if they had been nicer people and not such massive arseholes that she would probably have stayed! They treated her like crap, talked down to her and just generally made her miserable... they seem to think that unless she is the happy-go-lucky party girl that she is somehow not "being herself"... stupid, immature fools. They also think that being at university is "the real world"... yeah, because being handed money a few times a year, attending some lectures, getting cash handouts from your parents and getting pissed more nights than not is "the real world"!! Lindsay Lohan's world, maybe... but certainly not the real world that most adults live in!!

We are going down there to get her stuff on Monday... as it's a Bank Holiday she is hoping that the others will be visiting their parents so she never has to see them again! The only problem on the horizon concerns some unpaid bills, the water rates, tv licence and their Virgin tv and phone... because the last two are in Sissy's name the rest of them will no doubt refuse to pay their share... but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it!

Now it means that Sissy and Pingu are going to be here for the foreseeable future, something we hadn't been planning on happening for another month... bit of a shock to the system, but at least they will be paying rent (which will help us out of out current financial bind... Pingu will pay the rent until Sissy gets a job, but any shopping they want is down to her... seems fair), and Sissy will not be going insane and slipping into depression over being stuck in a situation that makes her so incredibly miserable.

Sissy is back...

... and already we've run out of tuna and are almost out of loo roll - she's been back two days!! LOL! She's now out trying to join our local Blockbuster as she and Pingu want to watch Sherlock Holmes (and heaven forbid that they should WAIT!!)

She's also looking into finishing her degree up here, and leaving Brighton... she's sick of it down there, and she's also sick of the girls she's living with - all they seem to do is argue and her uni work is suffering as a result (what's the point of doing all this if she doesn't get the degree that she's hoping for because the stress of being in a place she hates, with people she hates stops her from reaching that goal?)

The only problem with her being back home is that the noise increases, Pingu would probably move in here to be with her (the plus side being they would pay rent, they've already agreed to doing that)... and my craft life would have to become more secretive - Sissy is very scornful of all things religious and I wouldn't want to be caught doing things that I would have to explain to people that wouldn't (or don't want to try to) understand.

It wouldn't be until the end of June, though, as that is when Sissy has to leave her current address and come back here (at least for the summer holidays, even if she then has to find somewhere else down there if she can't switch courses to up here).

It's a beautiful day here... a bit too beautiful for my liking, LOL! The sun is too bright, the temperature is too hot and I spent the morning stuck in my local branch of M&S with my Dad and 87 year old Nana (she was buying new bras and the lingerie department was so hot I thought I was going to pass out!! I managed to get a leaflet and use it as a fan, and it really helped)... that was after we had to go to the council offices to see about someone coming to fix her hot water, which has been off for three days - the earliest it can be sorted is Monday morning - oops!

Anyway... I suppose that wearing head to toe black on the hottest and sunniest day of the year, was a mistake... but being goth I really have no other colour of clothes that are comfortable (it's not about being cool, it about being me!)... so black it is, and I shall just have to suffer, hehe. I must remember to carry a small hand-held fan and a drink in future, maybe a parasol of some sort (if I can find one) - at least it would stop me feeling so hot!

I'm really tired now... the sun always makes me sleepy (not that it needed much, I was tired before I even started! Hahaha)

So... I'm thinking

... which is always a baaaaad thing for me to be doing (I confuse myself on a good day... so thinking too deeply on a day that is not so good is - well, bad!)

The thing I'm thinking about is my faith - big surprise there! And I'm thinking that trying to have a path that is complex, demanding and "heavy" is not very "me" at all! So I'm thinking and randomly surfing the net yesterday (as I do) and I come across this blog: BroomCloset Witch... now, this blog is for those people that live with intolerant people or for reasons that are their own have to practice their faith in secret (hence... being in the "broom" closet). And it set me thinking (uh-oh!)

Now... practising your faith in secret appeals to me... I don't have to do this... but it's something I try to do anyway (purely because I live with people that aren't pagan and have no interest in celebrating things as I do, and I am a fairly secretive person by nature)... I see faith as something that should have its private side (yes, I'm a proud pagan, by the way!), the bit that is just between you and any deities that you choose to honour.

And I was wondering just how to go about practising my faith in private... so private that not even the people I live with would now about it (if you knew just how scornful Sissy can be of all things "religious" and with the prospect of her being back here for nearly three... long... months, plus her boyfriend come the end of June, you'd be thinking what I'm thinking, too... I assure you... you would!)

Now, I recall reading in a Kate West book, many moons ago, about substitutions that you can make for most things that would/could be used "in circle"... problem being? I don't cast circles, never have done... it's a part of the whole "you must do this to be a proper pagan" schtick that I seem to rebel against with every fibre of my being! But then I don't "do" magic/k either, so there ya go! The deepest my working goes is to send good thought/vibes to people and maybe light a candle or two... simple, not complex... yet it works for me (always has done... not changing it now, hehe).

I do honour my gods and I do little things for people, but I have never cast a circle in order to do it... neither do I ritually bathe, change clothes or do any of the things that people are "supposed" to do. I remember reading somewhere that our ancestors wouldn't have been able to do any of the above (as sometimes people only had the one set of clothes anyway), they were clean and didn't have the time to do things with "bells and whistles" (plus, is some cases, they never knew who might have been watching... being a nosey parker is not a new thing, haha!) That is the way I go about things... if I get the urge to do something then I do it - if I didn't, by the time I'd showered, found something new to wear, cast the circle and done all the rest I'd have forgotten what I wanted to do in the first place as I have the kind of mind that does that! Sometimes the extent of my Sabbat celebration is to stay awake to watch the sunrise whilst reading about my gods (which is what I did for Beltane this year).

Anyway... it's going to be one of those topics that occupies my mind for a few days, at least... and when I come up with a way I'll post it here (for those that give a toss... for those that don't, well... just skip this post ;) )

Sissy is now back in Brighton

I took her this morning... we left at 11.08am and we were back by 2.11pm. Not bad time really, for a round trip of nearly 160 miles. I didn't even get out of the car at the other end, I just sat there (mainly because I was double-parked with the hazard lights flashing). The house has a completely different atmosphere now that she's gone... quieter and more peaceful. She was in a bad mood this morning (as she really didn't want to go back, but then she did nothing to try and arrange changing her course to up here, so what can you do?). In the finish we had to call into our local McDonald's and get her some food before we started out (after we went to the garage), which she ate on the way. I was glad to get her there as if I'd have heard her phone ring once more I think I would have grabbed the dread thing and thrown in out of the bloody window!!! She was talking to Pingu for almost the entire trip, and when she wasn't talking to him she was talking to the girls that she was going back to live with... no wonder her phone bill reached over £250, and Pingu over £400! They never shut the hell up!!!

It was like a fox graveyard on the drive there and back... I saw the carcasses of no less than eight foxes in the road, in varying degrees of "squished"... I always wonder if there are any cubs waiting for those adults to return with food - makes me sad the think of those beautiful creatures suffering if there is no other parent to take care of them :(

STILL NO WORD FROM THE BOY'S MOTHER... REALLY FUCKED OFF NOW! They had just better be there when I go and collect them tomorrow, that's all. Then she'll have no choice but to come and see us... will she?!?!?! Just tell me if I still have a job you selfish cow!!!

I'm trying to read "Triumph of the Moon" by Ronald Hutton again... I'm still not having much luck, and it is just as hard going as the first time :( I really want to read it as a lot of people have recommended it to me, but for some reason I stop reading it, put it down and just seem to forget all about it! It must just be one of those books that I seem to forget, like "The Woman in White" by Wilkie Collins... I've gotten halfway through that - three times - and I still haven't finished it, LOL!! Oh well, I'll keep trying with Mr. Hutton, even a page a day is better than nothing, I suppose, hehe.

Still no onions...

... and my stomach has been as quiet as a mouse... no bloating, nausea, cramps, flatulence, etc for three days... it's been like heaven in my stomach - just wish that everything else was doing as well!

I cannot wait for Sissy to go back to Brighton... she's away with Pingu at a friends' barbeque today, and I can honestly say I was glad to see her go!! They tried to cook bacon sandwiches this morning, I say tried! He ended up burning through an expensive plastic chopping board, left the surfaces covered in bread crumbs and butter, and she spilt baked bean juice all over herself, the floor, the surfaces and the microwave and they then walked away and left it!!!. Not to mention that I was woken up by the repeated slamming of draws and cupboard doors and the smell of the grease and burnt bread made me feel really queasy, too... all made me the crankiest monster I've been for a long time. I only started to settle down and stop being angry once she left for the barbeque... I also made a lemon drizzle cake, and it focused my attention and calmed me down completely.

Still no contact from the boys' Mum, Michelle... this is getting really stupid and I just want to know if I still have a job next week **angry**

Didn't manage to get out in the garden, either, between dropping Dad to Nan's house, collecting him, going round to see if Michelle was home (she wasn't), baking some bread and also a cake I didn't seem to find the time. I also got up about 11.30 am and after yesterday's little accident my back was killing me! (The "accident" was my chair collapsing under me which sent me slithering to the floor... I laughed like a maniac when it happened, probably because Pingu was standing there and I was so embarrassed I tried to laugh it off. I can feel it in my lower back on the right side now, though... that was the side I landed on, and I can feel it pulling slightly whenever I move... gotta love ibuprofen, LOL!)

A quick update whilst Sissy is away...

... she is going out to meet her brothers' new boyfriend, and will be gone for most of the day... which is nice, after having her mooning and pining for her bloke. Pingu, who wasn't here last night - one night they have not been together since she came back about a month ago and she was at the point of crying because she missed him so much! It's probably the old cynic in me that thinks that is not normal, but then I've never been in a relationship so I suppose I really can't judge what is normal or not to someone that is in one **shrugs**

I think I have found the reason for my digestive troubles... allium intolerance - more specifically onions (and members of the onion family such as leeks, shallots, spring onions, chives and garlic)! I've been keeping a food diary and I've had symptoms on three occasions, and on all of those occasions I've eaten something with onions in... a bolognese sauce, a packet of Nik Naks (which contain dried onion and garlic) and a jar of supermarket own brand pasta sauce. Within 30 minutes of eating them all I've had the familiar symptoms, bloating, cramps in the stomach, a churning feeling in my insides, nausea, flatulence and my food also starts repeating on me (which is nasty as you get to taste the food you've just eaten every time you burp :( ). My system is also effected for 24-48 hours depending on the amount I've eaten (I won't go into tmi. but it entails much time spent on the toilet... and not being sick!)... I do hope this is the real cause of my troubles, in the past I've thought it could be a whole host of different things, including lactose, wheat, meat and yeast... if it's not then I don't know what it is and I may go to the doctor and see if they can do a full food allergy test to see if that can pin-point what it actually is! Shame if it is onions as I love them, I have them raw and cooked and everything I cook contains onions of some sort... they are also in EVERYTHING, tomato sauce, spaghetti hoops, baked beans, anything with any kind of gravy... the list is immense, and also quite saddening as most of the things I love to eat are included in there somewhere :( You wouldn't believe the things that have onion powder added to them! Things like chicken in white sauce and some cup-a-soups... also the occasional junk food that we have is also off the menu now (if it is onions) as things such as Chinese and Pizza all use onions in their cooking and sauces... and I think the only things I could have with any degree of safety would be a kebab (as you just ask for no onion) and maybe a burger from a fast food chain (again, asking for no onions)... fish and chips should also be alright. Oh well... will just have to wait and see - again, LOL! Will avoid all things allium for a few days and then be very brave and eat some onions... then sit back and enjoy the feeling of people wrestling in my innards (if it is onions, of course).

I have not been paid from one of the Mum's we have here! She was supposed to come down and pay me last Thursday, but she never did... neither is she answering any of her phones, or returning my messages. I even went to her house on Saturday and spoke to her and she said that her bank card was at her friends house, and she was going there to get it and she'd give me a call in the afternoon... still waiting for that one!!! I don't know if it means that the boys are leaving, have left, whether it means she's not planning on paying me for this holiday (even though she signed a contract saying she would and the boys could have been here, it was her choice to leave them with their aunt!)... I have no idea, all I do know is that I'm getting quite pissed off at being ignored and the not knowing is making me angry. I'd love to tell her where to stick her kids, but I need the money... I wonder if Ben walking off on the last day of term has anything to do with this sudden avoidance of me, but she seemed uncaring at the time and how was I meant to know he was going to wander off - he never has in the past **shrugs** If they do leave, I still want my one month's notice and I greatly pity whoever is lumbered taking care of Ben in the future... I'd wish them all the luck in the world, if I thought it would do any good (only I know it won't!!)

Maybe I should start advertising for more kids anyway? My problem being if I get more in and they go to a different school and then the boys are not leaving, how do I get them all? LOL! Sometimes I wish being a witch meant that I did have a working flying broomstick **sigh** having to stick to normal methods of transport is very boring. expensive and time-consuming, hehe.

News about updates

Sissy is currently home from uni and as such I don't feel safe in posting entries at present (she has a volatile temper and doesn't know about this blog and I can't risk her walking in and finding out that I have this site... she's very nosey and I don't want her reading it - neither does she know about my written journal for the very same reason!)

Will update properly in about a weeks' time, once she is back in Brighton and can't walk into the room and read things over my shoulder... or find a tab that I forgot to close and find something about herself and then start an argument **sigh**

For those that care... watch this space :)

Now she's not going back...

... she's staying on for the month that was originally talked about. I swear, one of these days I'm going to do her some real harm!! LOL.

Her friend was pissed off about her not going back, but tough luck! Sissy couldn't afford to get the train, I couldn't afford to put fuel in the car, and her boyfriend (I'll call him Pingu from now on, it's a work nickname because he has a way of waddling when he walks as his hip operation left him with one leg one inch shorter than the other) couldn't take her because he's working, so everything conspired to keep her here... she doesn't seem too upset about it, and is looking forward to her new bed turning up tomorrow and also seeing a little girl we used to care for (that she adores) on Friday.

I'm sat here listening to the rain that is pouring down outside... it hasn't rained heavily here for ages, and it sounds really lovely... I've always loved just listening to the rain, it can sometimes make me really sleepy as it's such a comforting noise to me.

AARRRGGGHHH!!!

Now she wants to go back on Thursday!! Seriously, I AM going to KILL HER if she keeps messing me about **glares**