Hospitals are such depressing places...

... and when the person you're visiting is a depressing person the experience is doubly soul destroying :o(

My Nan has suffered from two small and one medium stroke and has been in hospital for three weeks now. She seems to be getting worse instead of better and is content to just fester in her bed without putting even minimal effort into getting better and going home (although she is very vocal about what's not going to happen!) Three different women have been discharged from her ward since she was admitted, but all she is prepared to do when asked to do anything - regardless how small - is say "I can't" without even trying *sigh*

It's sad to watch someone just give up... I know she's 89 but to see a woman formerly so robust sit in bed and wet and soil herself without caring just drains me (of energy and also patience). Demoralising isn't the word :o(

Sorry to be a bit of a downer, I just don't know what to say to her anymore to make a difference. I've been gentle, harsh, kind, cruel, sharp, cajoling, patient, impatient - and now I just don't know what to say to her. My visits involve me sitting in a chair in virtual silence once the subjects of her meals, my meals, the journey, the weather, the other people in the ward and whether anyone has phoned to ask how she is, have been discussed. She doesn't like people laughing or making jokes and is quick to scold those that do with "it's not funny" or "don't laugh" and the way it's said quickly wipes any smiles away. Luckily I'm not alone during visits as Mum and Dad are with me, sometimes my youngest uncle, too, when he get get away from work. Without them all there as well I would probably go barmy!

I just worry how all this will affect my Dad (who suffers from depression himself). In turn that makes me anxious and nervous which doesn't help my digestive system which is not strong at the best of times. Mum is suffering from stress as well and for the first time in years the eczema on her legs has flared up and it looks like her leg ulcer could be returning as well (she's desperately trying to stop that before it starts). The extra walking is beginning to hurt Dad as he suffers from dreadful arthritis (and I swear the dreadfully uncomfy chairs are responsible for my current back pain).

We used to visit every day, but there seems little point if there is no positive change. Now we go every other day so that Dad can rest himself (and most 'off' days he spends asleep as it just takes so much out of him).

All told I just feel a bit dejected at the moment.

My new commenting message...

... for those that may not read it before they comment!

Please feel free to leave a message, beware that I moderate all comments, so be nice. If you are just commenting in order to criticise or scold me, please don't bother as I'm not interested!! Such comments will be deleted or I will make a post out of them for everyone to see!

It is people like 'Luna Buteo' that had me remove the commenting ability here in the past. I don't need to be constantly told if people think I'm in the wrong, I'm well aware of when I am and I don't need total strangers to tell me that. Anyone would think that I'd started the scam myself instead of just documented it so that someone that has no access to it can see it. There is no way I could have found the words to describe that picture, I wouldn't know where to even begin.

It plays havoc with my anxiety issues and has me then second guessing every little thing I say or do in the future, just in case I offend someone or make them angry or upset. It makes me feel as if I'm a terrible person for merely keeping friends updated on why I'm upset in my life. Now I feel like I have to think of reasons to justify the things I post here, when I started this blog purely to help ease the stress and anxiety in my life not increase it. It doesn't feel like that now... I feel like a goldfish in a bowl that is surrounded by hungry cats... and all because people feel they have the 'right' to say things to me regarding things that don't concern them in any way.

I've reactivated the 'adult warning' on the front of this blog (as you saw when you got here) and I feel like not bothering writing anything if all people are going to do is always find the bad things and remark on them, yet ignore the good. I feel like turning commenting off, yet if I do that the one person whose comments I actually enabled commenting to receive won't be able to... what do I do *sigh*

I hate it when people lie to me

And when that person is a potential love interest it hurts even more when they finally admit the truth to your face.

See, I started something with someone online... and they basically used me for their own selfish ends and then dumped me and pretended like nothing happened. I don't think so!!

The part that hurt the most was that it is because of what I look like that they changed their opinion... and I told them it would, and they assured me it wouldn't matter, and then when they saw me everything changed, and although part of me was relieved another part of me was very hurt and also pissed off that I had been used and lied to the whole time!! It's taken me a week to finally get him to admit it, and now he has I feel surprisingly fine... sort of lighter and back to myself. I just needed him to tell the truth and stop feeding me bullshit and lies. I have no hard feelings and have told him that if he is willing to forget the past then so am I. I guess I'm just a forgiving kind of person and he is only 21 and probably still hurting from the break up of his first relationship two months ago. I like the guy and would still like to be his friend... but if not then I have lost nothing, and I can't change my nature and be a total bitch because that is not who I am... once my initial anger has faded I just have to get things back on a even keel again... it's just that I have to have that balance, but then I am a Libra and it shows ROFL!

If nothing else it has made me wary for the future, and also determined that nothing like it will ever happen again... and I'm also damned certain that I will never be suckered into situations that leave me wide open to being used again.

The past is the past, and I'll forgive but not forget. I firmly believe that to forget the past means you are doomed to repeat it, and that is never going to happen again. I do want a man in my life... but not one that is going to treat me like shit, I'm more than capable of treating myself like that and I need no help from anyone else... thank you very much.

As the old saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me!"

Moved yet more of my stuff out of my old room...

... because "they" need more space! I am so angry right now. They agreed to all of my books being in the room when they took it on, and now over time more and more of my stuff is going into my tiny room, meaning they have even more room and I have less! I now have books stacked on my floor, at the end of my bed, even outside my bedroom door! It pisses me off as it was fine when they first moved in, but now it's not... I still have no more space to put stuff, but they want it out  **fumes**

The time frame of their being here has also increased, first it was roughly a year, then a year to 18 months... now it's 2-3 YEARS!! I will go insane, I know I will. Just the thought of them both here for that length of time fills me with a sense of dread that I cannot put into words (I'm not joking, either, it really does). Three years of having to hide my journals/blogs from prying eyes, three years of Pingu's "suggestions" for how to make the house better, three years of being woken up at all hours and of never ever having a good sleep when my stomach plays up as I'm always woken by them slamming drawers or stomping to the bathroom, three years of there never being any hot water to have a shower as they take it all (he had two showers yesterday and there was no hot water left for anyone else!). I will be end up writing this from an asylum or going to live with my Nan, I just know I will!

I just feel so helpless... like an invader in my own home!!

Update

Well, so much has happened.

1) Angel-boy's face is almost healed. The visit to the vets went well, I was in and out within 15 minutes. The abscess was not very big at all (so glad I didn't wait) and there was virtually nothing in it, so it was easy to drain. The only evidence of it now is a small scab and a large area of shaved face (which is funny), though fortunately he didn't lose any whiskers.

2) My job isn't as bad as I though it was... we had a visit from an Ofsted woman today and although it wasn't the best, the situation is not so bad that we have to cease looking after kids (which I was worried about). There is so much to do now, and I'm hoping that the courses we are waiting to start will help to sort it out. I think our positive attitudes and the fact that we acknowledged that we did things wrong and are prepared to change... it went a long way admitting we made mistakes in the past and we are determined to change for the future. We still have to have an inspection sometime in the near future, but I'll try and worry about that later.

We don't have to go on an eight week course, now... just the four courses that we are missing. I felt better when I found out about that. The supervisor of the woman that came to see us agreed that it was insulting to make us attend the same courses as someone new to the job. Also, after reading the stuff she left for almost a solid week (in between actually looking for the kids, which I have to admit Mum has done more of than I have... I seem to handle the paperwork better and she better handle the kids, so it all works out well for us in the end, lol) I was able to talk to the Ofsted woman and not sound like a total idiot. I seem to read the stuff and then pass that knowledge along to Mum as she is not a great reader and I am an avid reader. I was even able to correct the woman about the main abuse catergories (she said five, I said four - and I was right, lol).


Anyway... I am gradually calming down now after seeming to have lived on a knife-edge for the past week. Hopefully I'll get a better night's sleep tonight... I tend not to worry as long as I know where I stand, plus, I have most of next week off, so I'll get a bit of holiday time (at worst I am working only two days, Wednesday and Friday, but hopefully the kids' Dad is trying to get the Friday off). Fingers crossed (also, without the kids here I can get out and get some outing risk assessments so that I can take them places once they come back, lol).

I think I had my first panic attack on Friday!

Sissy was laying into me about her view of personality disorders... saying that she feels that most people use them as an excuse to not do the things they should do, and I felt myself getting tenser and tenser until I had to pretend to be asleep in my chair in the hope she would go away!

She sat there talking to Mum and all I could think was "Go away, please, go away"... and I sat in the same position, rooted to the spot for so long that even after she left the room I couldn't move! I had to go to bed afterwards as I felt so mentally and physically drained that I couldn't even think straight, let alone do anything. I ended up crying in pure frustration at seeming to behave in such a weak way. It was kind of like being in your own body, but hearing things from very far away... like mentally cowering in a corner. Most strange, and not something that I ever want a repeat of!!

I really have to realise that I have an opinion and I have a right to air it... damn other people... and damn others for being able to affect me so badly.

One of the things I do all the time is to change my opinion to please the people around me... and I shouldn't do that. My opinion should please no one but myself, and if others don't like it, then TOUGH! But my wanting desperately for everyone to like me means I have the ability to think that the opinions and views of others are more important than my own, and they're not! When I'm around Sissy and Pingu, I can't even mention religion in passing, without them kicking off on some atheistic diatribe and discounting all of the worlds religions as nothing more than people refusing to live in the real world and trying to get "god/s" to solve all of their problems for them, or else use "god/s" as an excuse for all of the things that go wrong (or right). They constantly bring up the tired old argument of "if God is so brilliant, why does He allow suffering, and let bad things happen to good people?!" I have no idea how to counter stuff like that... or even if I want to - why should it be up to me to try and explain away their arguments when they are spat at me with such venom and arrogance? I'm not a Christian Apologetic and I have no idea of even where to start in trying to find an answer for them... but I am expected to (they fail to realise that regardless of what I say they will never understand it as they disagree, and never really understand that which they think is wrong - basically I'm damned either way  *sigh*).

How can I explain stuff that I am unsure of myself? I have no idea why there is suffering... but I do kind of understand that without it we would not be able to show empathy, compassion and understanding to other people - sometimes you really do have to have been there in order to be able to connect with others that are either going through similar things, or that have done in the past (or will do in the future). I know that all that I have suffered in my life has made me more able to comprehend other people more... I am able to use my experiences to help me understand what others are going through. Oftentimes you really do have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to truly know how they feel. Suffering brings understanding... even if at the time you don't actually realise it. That's my thoughts on it anyway... trying to get other people to understand my opinion, though... well... that's a different matter entirely  *sigh*

Sissy has left Brighton university!

She just could not stand being down in Brighton any more. She was due to go back there today, but she ended up getting so upset at the thought of it that she almost had a panic attack! She was in a place she grew to hate, with people that she grew to hate, doing a course that she grew to hate... can't see the point of staying and racking up more and more student loans just to say you have a degree in a subject that you have no interest in... plus the only job that her current course will lead to is social work and I doubt she could handle the emotional burden of that career.

She's going to see about transferring the final year of study to up here, but if that doesn't pan out she will probably either get a job and do NVQ's at the same time, or go back to uni up here in a subject that she actually likes... makes more sense, even doing a degree course in something that has more than one job option at the end of it, just in case your choice of career changes over time.

She has had such an emotional day, it seemed as if for half of it she was crying... nearly broke my heart seeing her so unhappy. Pingu is ok about her leaving, he was just concerned about her making the wrong decision, but after seeing the change in her mood when the weight of stress was lifted from her, he soon realised that her happiness was more important.

The people she was most dreading telling were "The Parents"... her Dad was surprisingly accepting of her choice, but her Mum was a different story... she eventually had no choice but to come round to the idea when Sissy stood her ground and told her that it's what she wants to do that is the most important (about time she did that, too!!)

The other girls that she shared a house with down there gave her major lectures over the phone concerning her leaving, but they fail to realise that if they had been nicer people and not such massive arseholes that she would probably have stayed! They treated her like crap, talked down to her and just generally made her miserable... they seem to think that unless she is the happy-go-lucky party girl that she is somehow not "being herself"... stupid, immature fools. They also think that being at university is "the real world"... yeah, because being handed money a few times a year, attending some lectures, getting cash handouts from your parents and getting pissed more nights than not is "the real world"!! Lindsay Lohan's world, maybe... but certainly not the real world that most adults live in!!

We are going down there to get her stuff on Monday... as it's a Bank Holiday she is hoping that the others will be visiting their parents so she never has to see them again! The only problem on the horizon concerns some unpaid bills, the water rates, tv licence and their Virgin tv and phone... because the last two are in Sissy's name the rest of them will no doubt refuse to pay their share... but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it!

Now it means that Sissy and Pingu are going to be here for the foreseeable future, something we hadn't been planning on happening for another month... bit of a shock to the system, but at least they will be paying rent (which will help us out of out current financial bind... Pingu will pay the rent until Sissy gets a job, but any shopping they want is down to her... seems fair), and Sissy will not be going insane and slipping into depression over being stuck in a situation that makes her so incredibly miserable.

I lost my job yesterday!

The two boys we had in here lied to their mother, and she "hating confrontation" believed them, without even having the decency to talk to us about it and placed them somewhere else over the half term! Apparently a four year old cannot lie... hate to tell you, love, but yes they can, and your one certainly does! The only reason the kids didn't like being here is that we never gave into them and they had to follow our rules and do as they were told... something that their mother fails to get them to do on an epic scale! She once rewarded her youngest son for walking off by giving him a cake because he started crying! What kind of message is that sending?... in order to get what you want all you have to do is annoy your mum enough and tantrum her into submission!! Madness.

The very best of luck to whoever ends up collecting them, they'll need it... the oldest one is a liar and sneaky as hell and the youngest one is a manipulative little psycho that tries to bargain his way out of punishment... I have to say that I'm glad they are gone, I just wish I'd had some notice and also the money I'm owed, but that won't happen! The text messages she was sending earlier had more bullshit in them than a field of cows and I can see where her kids get their deceitfulness from.

Anyway... I still have one one little girl and she is lovely and thankfully now out of the presence of "the terrible two"... their bad behaviour was starting to rub off on her and we were actually thinking of getting new kids in and telling them to leave!!!. I've notified the council we now have vacancies and also asked the local school if they can let us know if any parents are looking for childcare. I don't really know what else to do... I'm not qualified to do anything else and if I start looking for a different job and then people want to come in, what do I do then? Money will be tight, very tight, but I think will can survive for awhile. Mum spoke to the mortgage company earlier and there is a new arrangement in place with them, so our house is safe, we have a few cutbacks to make (not wasting food, watching our utility use and getting rid of some of the cable tv, that kind of thing)... but hopefully with the warmer weather coming we will not be spending so much for gas and electricity anyway. I'm hoping that Mum is going to give up smoking, but I'm not holding my breath... there is more stress now and she isn't in the right frame of mind either, so not the best time to give up the one thing that calms you down, LOL!

The day has just been totally surreal, and I'm sick of thinking about it (as is Mum)... we are meant to be getting a text from "her" but I'm not holding my breath... I just find it amazing that a woman can be so gullible in thinking that her kids don't lie when they do it to her all the time... they broke her oven two months ago and they still haven't told her the truth about how it happened - but her kids don't lie... **sarcasm**

Happy New Year!!!

Or not!

Had the mechanic round to see just why my car is belching plumes of white smoke from the exhaust and he said that the piston rings are going. This is not good at all... it means the car needs a new engine... which means that I am probably going to lose my car. I am very upset at the moment, I had a bad feeling that the problem was serious, but as usual I did my "head in the sand" routine (I seem to have an inablilty to cope with some things, mostly concerning change or the losing of my prized possessions).

I know that I should consider myself lucky in the things that I do have... and watching the news this week and seeing the terrible things happening in Haiti, my not having a car is terribly petty - compared to the people that have lost everything that they own! The problem stems from the fact that I seem to give inanimate objects personalities... it's something I've always done, from thinking that my teddies had feelings, right up to the present day, when I gave my car a gender and a name... that was a big mistake, but it's what I do (maybe being a fairly lonely person I make my own friends from inanimate objects... no rejection that way).

So that means that I will be car-less in about four days (the guy's brother is looking for a new engine, but seeing as the car is an import from Japan, the chances aren't looking good... and even if he can find one my car will be out of action for about a week, plus we will have to find approx £500 for the engine and then pay labour on top - yeah, like that's gonna happen, we are broke!)

All this is not helped by the fact that I feel ill (it's only a cold, but the losing of my voice and also the constant headache I have from my sinuses means that I have trouble thinking clearly and am often grumpy, too).

We have had to get kids on the bus from school, which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem, but the buses are not running up our hill until the 2nd Feb, so that means that in order to get the bus we have to walk up a hill that is 1/4 of a mile long... not a good thing when you are running late - also not a good thing when you have a man that cannot walk more than 300 yards without getting breathless (who is also registered disabled, whether he accepts it or not!), that is insisting he has to go out "because he feels trapped". What we are going to do once Katie comes back I have no idea... I can't even think about it without getting fairly confused (I've run through so many differing routes and ways of doing it, but after walking the boys home from school the other day, there is no way in hell that I can be at two different schools in 10-15 minutes on foot... it took about ten minutes just to get them out of school and to the bus stop!)

There is only one bright spot on the horizon as far as getting a car goes... and that is that we could get one for my Dad through his DLA (Disability Living Allowance). All we would have to pay for would be fuel for it as they pay for everything else. We are currently looking up about it online (the offices are closed until Monday! How stupid, but there we go...) the only problem being that the car is only meant to be used for Dad, or for journey's concerning Dad if he's not in the car (like getting his prescriptions from the chemist). Now, would my using the car for picking up the kids, whose money pays the mortgage, that keeps him from being homeless, be seen as a journey for him?? Probably not, so I could still have a problem in doing school runs.

I suppose that I should just wait and see what the guy says about my car... I just hate not knowing, though... I feel restless and uncertain if I don't know what I can do **sigh**

I feel so tired

My eyes are stinging and feel as if they are lined with carpet, they feel raw. Maybe because I didn't get much sleep last night, about four hours by the time I did everything that I wanted to do around the house, washed my hair and hung up the washing to dry (plus I was watching some Inspector Morse and I got kind of engrossed in it, LOL!)

I don't think that I'm going to be late to bed tonight, Mum has to go to the fracture clinic at 9.40 tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping that her elbow is just sprained or bruised and not broken in any way. She's full of aches and pains today, which is only to be expected in the circumstances. Her nose is quite swollen, but the redness is fading and she has a lovely black (left) eye.

For some reason I seem to have an annoying tic in my left eye, probably a stress thing, I often get it, I also need some new glasses (which I'm hoping to get in the new year when I get paid... thirteen weeks now and still nothing **fumes**).


I had an idea about a tattoo last night, the wartime phrase "Keep Calm and Carry On"... it perfectly describes the way I deal with things. Sometimes I can appear a little too calm for some people. I un-nerve Sissy sometimes with the way I handle situations, as I refuse to get in a flap and worry about things that may not be worth worrying about... but I have to handle things that way or else I'll just go completely to pieces and be of no use to anyone at all. Maybe I'm just too old before my time, or maybe I've just come to the conclusion that there is very little point in worrying about things as it gets you nowhere and can actually end up doing more harm than good. I'm often reminded of a phrase that I've seen about the 'net "Everything will be alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end!"

Finally Samhain

I do hope that the new year is going to better than the last one! It's not off to a very good start as I have to take my car in for its MOT at 12.30 this afternoon... dreading that, I really am, I just have a terrible feeling that it will fail! But then I think that every year, and it has only failed once in five years (last year).

I really should stop being so pessimistic about things... but then if I prepare for the worst I am rarely shocked by bad news, so maybe it's my way of protecting myself from undue harm (weird, but it seems to work for me, LOL!!)


I had a migraine yesterday, which is no doubt because of all of the subconscious stress I've been under this last week... what with not being paid, having to work when I thought I'd got a week off, worrying about the car, the interview that I was dreading and also the MOT and not being able to pay the mortgage yet (as I haven't been paid) and all in all it's not been a good week for me here (which is an understatement to say the least!!)

Anyway... I'm going to see about having a nice long sleep, and I'm hopefully not going to be getting up before about 11am in the morning... the garage is only a ten minute walk away, so takes about two minutes in the car... it's just the waiting and not knowing that bothers me... I can usually handle most things, once I know what they are, hehehe!


Finger crossed!