Why I thoroughly dislike Christmas

It isn't the over commercialization of the holiday. Or the fact that shops will try and beat you into submission by taking one day and throwing it at you in a barrage that lasts for six weeks before it arrives. It is because of an event that happened the day after it occurs.

My beloved maternal grandmother died on December 26th 2006. I adored her and she had lived with my parents and me for over 23 years. It was the first time I had ever lost someone in my family that I was close to, and that I loved deeply. It had, and still has, a profound effect on me. I've been in a state of mourning since that day and I probably always will be. The regrets of all the things I didn't ask or say haunt me and part of me cannot forgive myself for not being there when she died (Mum and I were on our way to collect more clothes and toiletries when we got a call telling us to come back to the hospital as soon as possible... by the time we got back she had slipped away).

The onset of the colder months fills me with dread. The rest of the year I'm ok, I can remember and not get weepy... but the closer it gets to December the more I can feel myself tensing up somehow. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I just can't help it. Believe it or not the new year is the worst. We all used to stay up late to see it in together and a lady up the road always rings a bell to see the old year out and the new year in - Mum and I go outside to listen and when I wish Nana a happy new year I always cry, then I set Mum off and we end up hugging each other and listening to the bell, standing outside in the cold. I just can't seem to help it. It only lasts a minute or two, but losing her still hurts so much. When people say that time heals, it doesn't. Time just moves forward and carries you along with it. You can either allow it to push you forwards or you can fight it and try to cling on to the past for as long as you can... eventually it will sweep you forwards whether you like it or not. We never get over losing people... we just become more and more used to them not being there anymore :0(

As memories fade, the feelings seem to lessen as well and that allows us to cope with everyday life. But the loss is still there, it may be buried deep inside, but it is still there. Maybe not as raw, maybe not as shocking, but still there, waiting for something to trigger it off... a smell, a sound, a look, a time of year... one day it will happen and the grief washes over you again in massive choking waves of pain and heartbreak. Tears flow and nothing you can do will stop them, they have to come out or they will drown you and burst forth when you least expect them to. It makes you want to crawl into bed and squeeze yourself into a tiny ball and you wish for sleep so that for a few short hours you can forget. Upon waking you have a few seconds of exquisite happiness when you are not awake enough to remember... but then you do, and sorrow smashes down upon you like a ton weight and you drag yourself out of bed and try and face the day with a brain full of sadness and a heart full of misery.

I still cling to the few precious things I have that belong to Nana. I cannot let them go as then my final grasp on the physical her will be gone as well. I need them to remind me of happy times; reading her recipes and remembering her baking a cake, seeing her handwriting and recalling watching her write cards and notes to people she loved, wearing her jewellery and feeling as if I have a small piece of her against my skin. I had to dispose of her perfume as it just triggered too much, too often... I was inundated with memories from just one sniff, it was unbearable. I smelled it the other day, whilst packing up the weekly shop in a crowded supermarket and I was momentarily unable to move as I thought she was there, mad I know, but for a nanosecond I had hope that she was, even though I knew she wasn't.

Sometimes I have to marvel that I haven't gone insane. I wonder why I am not in a mental health unit when just typing this entry has me sat here with tears blinding me and loss threatening to overwhelm me again. Maybe it is because I cannot allow it to do that, I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. My needs must be tempered by the fact they rely on me... if I fall apart who will be there for them then? I have to suck it up and only allow myself to let it out when everyone else is asleep... then I can put my needs first and just cry. Just release the pressure once in a while and allow myself to be sad and let my heart break again. Then I can fall into a hopefully restful sleep and maybe by morning my heart will have reassembled itself back together again... not perfect (like a broken vase, mended with glue, is never really the same as it was before it shattered) but passable to any but the most in depth of inspections.

All of this creeps towards me the nearer December comes.

That is why I dislike Christmas.

I've been thinking about the past few days...

... and why it made me so upset. It has nothing to do with the story from FB, but the reactions of people regarding me that has upset me. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, that's fine and I'm not arrogant enough to believe that everyone should agree with me. It is the way in which people disagree with me, and that is what I have a hard time handling - when people are overly confrontational to me or talk to me as if I'm a piece of shit, that is when I become angry. I don't think it would have hurt as much had the guy from FB had any real contact with me lately, but he hasn't (the galling thing being that I'd recently sent him a cd that cost me £12 for free and then refused his offer to refund the almost £3 it cost me in postage to send it to him!)

Then I had someone I don't remember attack me here, when she has never once posted any kind of comment on this blog before. Then she tried to justify her doing so by saying that because I had commenting set to 'everyone' it gave her the right to speak to me like crap. Then she had the cheek to lecture me about 'lacking common decency' - that now strikes me as quite funny. I guess she knows all about that as she lacks it herself.

Apparently she has done it in the past as well, to people I do remember (and it was only when my brother went searching for her that he found a blog that posted her screen-name, which I kind of recall... although I still didn't have any contact with her directly even then). I guess some people are so arrogant and have such high opinions of themselves and their opinions they somehow feel they have the right to ride roughshod over everyone else regardless of what kind of damage they may do in the process. Having a loud voice doesn't always mean you have to scream at everyone all the time. One day they will scream at the wrong person and find someone screaming back... I just wish I could be there to see it happen and give them the old classic of  'I told you so'.

It's probably because I do take the things that people say to me seriously, and when I'm attacked online it feels just as bad as when I'm verbally attacked in the street for being fat. As much as I try and shake it off and tell myself that people don't know me and are just saying hurtful things to be hurtful or impress others and make them laugh, deep down it still cuts and bleeds and causes a scar. I struggle so much to be myself and not worry what other people think of me, it has taken years for me to do that and most of the time I still feel vulnerable and exposed when I attempt to be myself around anyone not a member of my tiny inner circle. It is akin to building a high wall around yourself to keep the world out and then having to gradually remove bricks in order to rejoin the world... only to have someone come along and try and batter the wall down so you build it back up, stronger and higher than before. Leaving you right back where you started, in fact in a worse place than where you started as you have more bricks to remove just to get back to that place.

People are always saying that I should stand up for myself and not allow people to stop me being who I am... yet it always seems that on the few occasions I do just that, I am once again attacked, belittled, dog-piled and  made to feel like I'm a horrible person for merely being myself. I can't win. I'm told I'm too lenient and a bit of a doormat, and then when I stand up for myself I'm told I'm 'not who I thought you were' and that I'm in the wrong and somehow lacking basic human decency.

I wish I could stop the people that don't matter from affecting me so badly, and for all of the positive and supporting messages I receive I still remember the negative and nasty ones. I may have a strong opinion, but I rarely use it against other people unless they attack me first. I have a strong opinion regarding issues, not individuals... and I would never speak to people the way they speak to me, especially in public. That to me 'lacks common decency'.

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

I hate it when people lie to me

And when that person is a potential love interest it hurts even more when they finally admit the truth to your face.

See, I started something with someone online... and they basically used me for their own selfish ends and then dumped me and pretended like nothing happened. I don't think so!!

The part that hurt the most was that it is because of what I look like that they changed their opinion... and I told them it would, and they assured me it wouldn't matter, and then when they saw me everything changed, and although part of me was relieved another part of me was very hurt and also pissed off that I had been used and lied to the whole time!! It's taken me a week to finally get him to admit it, and now he has I feel surprisingly fine... sort of lighter and back to myself. I just needed him to tell the truth and stop feeding me bullshit and lies. I have no hard feelings and have told him that if he is willing to forget the past then so am I. I guess I'm just a forgiving kind of person and he is only 21 and probably still hurting from the break up of his first relationship two months ago. I like the guy and would still like to be his friend... but if not then I have lost nothing, and I can't change my nature and be a total bitch because that is not who I am... once my initial anger has faded I just have to get things back on a even keel again... it's just that I have to have that balance, but then I am a Libra and it shows ROFL!

If nothing else it has made me wary for the future, and also determined that nothing like it will ever happen again... and I'm also damned certain that I will never be suckered into situations that leave me wide open to being used again.

The past is the past, and I'll forgive but not forget. I firmly believe that to forget the past means you are doomed to repeat it, and that is never going to happen again. I do want a man in my life... but not one that is going to treat me like shit, I'm more than capable of treating myself like that and I need no help from anyone else... thank you very much.

As the old saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me!"

The words that describe my feelings about YOU!

Never in my life have I met someone that lives by such double standards... HYPOCRITE!!

So you can talk to people, yet others can't... you can rant away in your blog, but others can't (even though in your blog you spread lies and misinformation and package it as the truth!)

You cause drama and friction wherever you go and then try to divert the blame when your actions lead to inevitable outcomes... what is wrong with you?! Do you even understand the effect you have on those around you? Are you capable of taking responsibility for the mess you make and the pain you cause? Do you even care? Obviously not... for someone that is meant to be "nice" you act like you have no soul.

If the saying is true "as ye sow, so shall ye reap" than you are going to have one bitter harvest heading your way!

Let me just tell you now... if you think that by your malicious lies that you are going to break up the friendships that we have forged then you are wrong. No one believes anything you say as you have done your "little boy who cried wolf" act one too many times and we are on to you. We no longer believe anything you say. You are a liar, a fake, a charlatan, a snake-oil salesman, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Your plan to plant seeds of doubt and sit back and watch them grow into a forest has backfired... the only one we doubt is you, and it has been caused by your own hand! We are on to you, you pathetic, two-faced, deluded backstabber.

You have finally burnt the bridges that it took you months to repair and rebuild... they will not be built again. You will be forever standing on the opposite riverbank, watching us with no way to reach us.

I hope you like being alone.

I hope you like dealing with the repercussions of your actions.

I hope you like standing outside the shop, looking in through the window at the people having fun on the other side of the glass. As far as you are concerned the door is closed, and now all you can do is look in and wonder at what might have been, had you not done the stupid things that you have!

You will always have this happen to you as you seem to be unable to control yourself. Your rampant jealousy, self-doubt and paranoia will forever cause you to do stuff like this... to the very people that you say you will never hurt! Everyday you prove you cannot be trusted... you manage to lie to get the power you crave and then you complain when you are found out and your power is removed. In order to be a successful liar you need to have a good memory... sadly you have an incredibly short memory, but only where is concerns your own actions... when it comes to the actions of others you seem to have a memory that is amazing, as it recalls things that never happened!

I suppose I should stop writing about you... as it only seems to feed the monster that you have created... the beast that is YOU! To keep writing about you just lets you know that you are still around in my mind, and I would guess that you take some kind of perverse pleasure in knowing that you are still talked about and not forgotten as you should be! Rest assured this is something that will be rectified for the future. Everything I hear about you now, only further proves my point that you are not worth any more of my time! Why should I bother to waste my time on someone that is as unworthy as you?! When you constantly bite the hand that feeds you, don't be surprised when the feeding stops!

Good luck being you... I'm just so glad that I don't have to be. I would rather kill myself than have to look in the mirror and see something so internally grotesque staring back at me!

I think I had my first panic attack on Friday!

Sissy was laying into me about her view of personality disorders... saying that she feels that most people use them as an excuse to not do the things they should do, and I felt myself getting tenser and tenser until I had to pretend to be asleep in my chair in the hope she would go away!

She sat there talking to Mum and all I could think was "Go away, please, go away"... and I sat in the same position, rooted to the spot for so long that even after she left the room I couldn't move! I had to go to bed afterwards as I felt so mentally and physically drained that I couldn't even think straight, let alone do anything. I ended up crying in pure frustration at seeming to behave in such a weak way. It was kind of like being in your own body, but hearing things from very far away... like mentally cowering in a corner. Most strange, and not something that I ever want a repeat of!!

I really have to realise that I have an opinion and I have a right to air it... damn other people... and damn others for being able to affect me so badly.

One of the things I do all the time is to change my opinion to please the people around me... and I shouldn't do that. My opinion should please no one but myself, and if others don't like it, then TOUGH! But my wanting desperately for everyone to like me means I have the ability to think that the opinions and views of others are more important than my own, and they're not! When I'm around Sissy and Pingu, I can't even mention religion in passing, without them kicking off on some atheistic diatribe and discounting all of the worlds religions as nothing more than people refusing to live in the real world and trying to get "god/s" to solve all of their problems for them, or else use "god/s" as an excuse for all of the things that go wrong (or right). They constantly bring up the tired old argument of "if God is so brilliant, why does He allow suffering, and let bad things happen to good people?!" I have no idea how to counter stuff like that... or even if I want to - why should it be up to me to try and explain away their arguments when they are spat at me with such venom and arrogance? I'm not a Christian Apologetic and I have no idea of even where to start in trying to find an answer for them... but I am expected to (they fail to realise that regardless of what I say they will never understand it as they disagree, and never really understand that which they think is wrong - basically I'm damned either way  *sigh*).

How can I explain stuff that I am unsure of myself? I have no idea why there is suffering... but I do kind of understand that without it we would not be able to show empathy, compassion and understanding to other people - sometimes you really do have to have been there in order to be able to connect with others that are either going through similar things, or that have done in the past (or will do in the future). I know that all that I have suffered in my life has made me more able to comprehend other people more... I am able to use my experiences to help me understand what others are going through. Oftentimes you really do have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to truly know how they feel. Suffering brings understanding... even if at the time you don't actually realise it. That's my thoughts on it anyway... trying to get other people to understand my opinion, though... well... that's a different matter entirely  *sigh*

Is it wrong to grieve over a car?

The answer to that is obviously yes... why then, am I still doing it?!

Mum and Dad are currently outside talking to a man ** that will hopefully give us some money for the old car and then take it away... I am crying my eyes out at the prospect of this happening. I love that car.

Nobody seems to want to give us a decent amount of money for it, either. We currently have quotes for between £80 and £150... for a car that has numerous new parts on it (well over £400 of new parts in the last six months!) We are probably going to have to go with the offer for £150... it's my uncles' friend and at least we know and trust the guy. Just the thought of my car going through the scrapper makes me upset, though... why do I feel like that?!?!?! It's... a... CAR! Not a human being, not an animal, a car... what is wrong with me?

Granted, it was my first car and there are so many memories attached to it (both good and bad), but even so, when all is said and done (and however much personality I, for whatever reason, have attached to it) it's still just a car **sigh**

Why can I not seem to let things go? I hate having to lose/give away my possessions... unless I know they are going to a good home that will take care of my things the same way I would myself - then I seem to be ok with letting things go.

I don't know... I guess it's something that I'm just going to have to get over... and the sooner I do it, the better I will be in the future (I suppose).

** The guy that came to see about the car just now was totally rude and after offering £100 was told to get lost! He even came with a tow truck (talk about presumptuous!) When he was told no, he even walked away leaving the engine running! What a total arsehole!!!

Not holding my breath, but...

... we have an appointment tomorrow at 10.30am at a car dealership a few miles from us to see about getting a car on Dad's DLA. We are hoping to get something like a Kia Soul (we have to have a car that is quite high so that Dad can get out of it, but also that is big enough inside to take me... being a person of huge size, and all). Plus I would like it to have three seats in the back (with seat belts) so that I can at least take us all to the coast if we want to go... there would be at least four of us if Sissy came, maybe five if my Nan came, too).

I'm still undecided about using it for the kids... when all is said and done, the job I do, I do to keep a roof over our heads, including Dad, so it is to his nest interests if I use the car to carrying on working. Would the DLA see it in the same way as I do... probably not. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it, I suppose.

Mum is feeling quite excited at the prospect of getting a new car. All of the cars we have ever had have been second hand, sometimes third hand (or more), but as nice as it would be to have a brand new car, and as happy as I am over the fact that there is light at the end of this particular tunnel, another part of me is teetering on grief at the thought of losing my car... the car that my Dad bought me five years ago as a present for passing my test... the only car that has ever been mine. I feel very melancholy at the moment, and it wouldn't take too much to sit here and burst into tears. Just the thought of my car going to the crusher or being stripped for parts breaks my heart, it really does... but what can I do? Realistically we will be much better off financially in getting the new car (as the loss of DLA money is made up by the money we'd get back in tax and insurance from the old one).

I just have so many memories mixed up in that car... holidays with my Nana, trips with the kids, all of the fun and laughter that has happened inside it over the years. For someone that hates change and clings to the past to the huge extent that I do, it's like the passing of an era. One thing I do know... when we find a way to get my car taken away, I will not be able to watch her go... it would be too much for me to watch.

Must stop writing now... I'm getting far too upset.


**Please forgive any mistakes or spelling errors in the above entry... I'm far too emotional to read it through to check it :(**

What a strange experience!

(long entry... sorry)


I was talking to two christians yesterday (which in this case was a bad idea) and the topic was other religions and of course the topic shifted to talk of my burning in hell for all eternity because of my refusal to accept Jesus! One poster there was only 15 and another one chimed in and the tone of their posts really upset me in the end and I got quite scared about what they were saying (mind you it was 3am, I was tired and alone and they caught me by surprise with their tag-team posting!).

Anyway... in the end I had to turn off the computer as I was getting quite panicky (never happened to me before) and I thought to myself "what if they're right and I do go to hell!" I don't even believe in the place and I was getting totally freaked out! So weird! So I close down the kitchen (lock the door, check the windows, change the cats' water, etc) and I go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. Now, normally just thinking of Selene would calm me down and make me feel better, but last night it didn't, if anything it seemed to add to my panic.

I was sat on the loo (sorry, I know, tmi!) brushing my teeth and trying to distract myself by reading a book (and failing dismally) when I heard a bird singing outside. Now that's not too strange around here, I hear birds all the time (even at 3am as we have bright lights on the motorway) but this was a bird that I'd never heard before, and as it was chirping away, a name just popped into my head "Ceridwen" and from then on I could almost hear this bird singing "Ce-rid-wen" when it was chirping. Now I've glanced briefly at the Welsh/Celtic Pantheon, but nothing more than that (the prounounciation always put me off), so why it should be the name of Ceridwen that calmed me right down and filled me with a feeling of tranquility, I have no idea, and I still don't?! I looked her up in my mythology book and the scant info I had said that she was a fertility goddess, and then mentioned about her brewing a potion of knowledge for her ugly son, but someone else drank it so she ate him and he later became the bard, Taliesin (or something like that, I was really tired by this point, and I haven't looked for more info before writing this).

After a few minutes I was feeling back to normal, and the birdsong seemed to get louder for an instant, and then it was gone... and it hasn't returned. I don't even know which bird it was, although I know what it wasn't (not crow, pigeon, magpie, starling, collared dove, blue tit or jay, as we have them on the birdtable, and I know their songs and chirps quite well). It just seemed so strange to hear a new birdsong when I was in such need of reassurance, and then once I was calm and telling myself what an idiot I was for being spooked by those people, it made me aware for an instant with an increase of volume, and then it was gone. I would know the song if I heard it again, although I cannot describe it (as I'm rubbish at doing animal impressions).

I know it's not unheard of for people to be drawn to gods from different pantheons, but I was so sure about Selene, yet today I feel nothing for her... she is just another Greek god, and I feel really sad about that... could I have been wrong about having her as my patron all along? Or was she just there to guide me into my craftwork and now her job is done and I am free to explore other things? I feel a little bereft, to tell the truth, and I don't know what to do now! If I'd been asked yesterday which god was "mine" I would have had no hesitation in answering, Selene... but ask me now and I have not a clue **sigh**

Am I boring?

I'd like to think not, but sometimes I do wonder. I don't really do much, not when I think about it. I work, surf the net, read, eat, sleep and drive (in varying order and intensity) and I sometimes watch movies and annoy my cats - oh, and eat chocolate (mustn't forget that bit).

I don't have a real hobby, nothing that I love doing. I have many things that interest me, many things that I do, to a middling sort of level, but nothing that I really excel in, and nothing that I can do exceptionally well - I seem to know a little bit about a lot of things, but not a lot about any one thing in particular. Maybe I should look into finding a remedy for that, stop spreading myself too thin?

I think that my main problem is that I get bored easily, and then I put things down and find something else to do, and forget about the things I was doing before. I get easily distracted by -----oh... shiny (joke).

I wonder what I'm really doing with my life! Do I have any idea what I really want out of this round of my existance? Not really. I just want peace and the chance to do what I want to do. Is that so much to ask? In today's world, it probably is far too much to ask - here I am wanting to do as I please and there are people that can barely survive!

Sometimes, trying to tap into the untouched corners of your mind is a bad thing... there is a reason that they are filled with cobwebs and dust and huge trunks with big old locks on them - they are not meant to be visited and the trunks are not meant to be opened, they are meant to be left alone and the things locked inside left in peace. Trying to force them open is the surest way to unleash something that should never see the light of day. Whatever is in there is in there for reason... leave it alone, and it will return the favour!

I'm so confused...

... about everything it seems!

Especially my faith... do I really have any? Any at all? I don't think that I believe in God or even Gods for that matter, but on the other hand I see no reason that they couldn't exist. I seem to change my mind about this almost daily, and I'm taking the Belief.net religion quiz all the time (and it always comes out with Neo-Pagan 100%). I'm going to go and take it again and see what it says regarding my present feelings................took it again, and even though I answered most of the questions about god/s with "none of the above" it gave me the same answer as before "100% Neo-Pagan".

I'll have to think about it some more and then I'll come back and write down my feelings here.