More Pagan musings.

I cannot put my finger on just what makes me think that I'm "The Moon's Girl" but I am. I guess it's one of those things that you only understand if it happens to you.

I wasn't even able to do anything much for Samhain as I was kind of waylaid into watching films with "The Pair"... fortunately they were films I wanted to see, so it was all good. I did mark it in a small, internal way, though... and for some reason I cannot bear the thought of either of the two of them watching me perform rituals of any kind, even simple stuff like leaving offerings... it feels like they are witnessing a part of me that is far too private for their eyes to see.

Earlier in the day, though, I'd gone to see my Nan (who had fallen down the stairs) and she asked if my Dad had a wedding ring... (the answer is no) and she wondered if he'd wear his late fathers' one (which she wore on her middle finger, but which had become too large and kept falling off). I said that if Dad didn't wear it, that I would and she did no more and took it off and asked which finger I'd like it on. For some reason I chose my ring finger, left hand and it has been on ever since. Normally I would never wear gold jewellery... I have it and it feels wrong, as I'm a "silver" person... but this is different and it's come to symbolise much more than being just a wedding ring... it is something tangible of the past, a link to those that have passed over - when I see the ring it reminds me of my Grandfather, and in turn that sets me off thinking about all of the people and pets I have lost in the past, and I even recall some of the stories of my other Grandfather that died before I was born. Being gold it also is a symbol of the God (and even though I have not been "claimed" it feels right to have silver on my right hand, for My Lady, and gold on the left for The Lord that is yet to emerge... if He ever does).

All of this on Samhain, too... after thinking about it for a couple of days it seems like that was my ritual after all.

Honouring a whole pantheon?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I consider myself "Greek" in that I feel the strongest connection to the Greek Pantheon of Gods and Goddesses. My patron Goddess is Selene, Titan Goddess of the Moon and I love her, don't get me wrong, but for a long time it's felt kind of lonely only having the one deity to give thanks and offerings to.


I was reading this article at Wikipedia today, and it got me thinking (I know, always a bad thing, lol) and it started me back on an old train of thought "why not leave offerings and ask the help of those Gods/Goddesses assigned a specific duty in your pantheon?" Why ask Selene for wisdom when that request could be better filled by Metis or Athena? Why ask Selene to bless a party or festival when that kind of thing is the speciality of Dionysus? "Why ask Selene to help in the healing of aches and pains when that is the purview of The Algia (the spirits of pain and suffering - Akhos: trouble, distress - Ania: ache, anguish - Lupe: pain, grief, sorrow)?

It's one of those things that slightly confuses me as well as excites me, if I'm honest, as I can't see Selene's place in all of this... and if I'm taking my requests to other deities then I'm not sure what I'm meant to ask of Her? I don't do much by way of honouring her anymore, rarely do I leave offerings, but I do give a special devotional sign to the Moon whenever I see Her shining in the heavens (like last night). I always get the feeling that it's enough, though, She asks no more of me than I already give (in fact sometimes I get the distinct impression that if I were to do anymore I'd be doing it wrong, lol).

I don't know... I guess it's one of those things that will take some thought... maybe it will become so complex as to not make it feasible... after all the Greek Pantheon is huge, and if I were to try asking advice/honouring them all (because they cover virtually every aspect of daily life) I'd be forever doing so and wouldn't be able to stand up without asking a deity about it LOLOLOL!

A quick update whilst Sissy is away...

... she is going out to meet her brothers' new boyfriend, and will be gone for most of the day... which is nice, after having her mooning and pining for her bloke. Pingu, who wasn't here last night - one night they have not been together since she came back about a month ago and she was at the point of crying because she missed him so much! It's probably the old cynic in me that thinks that is not normal, but then I've never been in a relationship so I suppose I really can't judge what is normal or not to someone that is in one **shrugs**

I think I have found the reason for my digestive troubles... allium intolerance - more specifically onions (and members of the onion family such as leeks, shallots, spring onions, chives and garlic)! I've been keeping a food diary and I've had symptoms on three occasions, and on all of those occasions I've eaten something with onions in... a bolognese sauce, a packet of Nik Naks (which contain dried onion and garlic) and a jar of supermarket own brand pasta sauce. Within 30 minutes of eating them all I've had the familiar symptoms, bloating, cramps in the stomach, a churning feeling in my insides, nausea, flatulence and my food also starts repeating on me (which is nasty as you get to taste the food you've just eaten every time you burp :( ). My system is also effected for 24-48 hours depending on the amount I've eaten (I won't go into tmi. but it entails much time spent on the toilet... and not being sick!)... I do hope this is the real cause of my troubles, in the past I've thought it could be a whole host of different things, including lactose, wheat, meat and yeast... if it's not then I don't know what it is and I may go to the doctor and see if they can do a full food allergy test to see if that can pin-point what it actually is! Shame if it is onions as I love them, I have them raw and cooked and everything I cook contains onions of some sort... they are also in EVERYTHING, tomato sauce, spaghetti hoops, baked beans, anything with any kind of gravy... the list is immense, and also quite saddening as most of the things I love to eat are included in there somewhere :( You wouldn't believe the things that have onion powder added to them! Things like chicken in white sauce and some cup-a-soups... also the occasional junk food that we have is also off the menu now (if it is onions) as things such as Chinese and Pizza all use onions in their cooking and sauces... and I think the only things I could have with any degree of safety would be a kebab (as you just ask for no onion) and maybe a burger from a fast food chain (again, asking for no onions)... fish and chips should also be alright. Oh well... will just have to wait and see - again, LOL! Will avoid all things allium for a few days and then be very brave and eat some onions... then sit back and enjoy the feeling of people wrestling in my innards (if it is onions, of course).

I have not been paid from one of the Mum's we have here! She was supposed to come down and pay me last Thursday, but she never did... neither is she answering any of her phones, or returning my messages. I even went to her house on Saturday and spoke to her and she said that her bank card was at her friends house, and she was going there to get it and she'd give me a call in the afternoon... still waiting for that one!!! I don't know if it means that the boys are leaving, have left, whether it means she's not planning on paying me for this holiday (even though she signed a contract saying she would and the boys could have been here, it was her choice to leave them with their aunt!)... I have no idea, all I do know is that I'm getting quite pissed off at being ignored and the not knowing is making me angry. I'd love to tell her where to stick her kids, but I need the money... I wonder if Ben walking off on the last day of term has anything to do with this sudden avoidance of me, but she seemed uncaring at the time and how was I meant to know he was going to wander off - he never has in the past **shrugs** If they do leave, I still want my one month's notice and I greatly pity whoever is lumbered taking care of Ben in the future... I'd wish them all the luck in the world, if I thought it would do any good (only I know it won't!!)

Maybe I should start advertising for more kids anyway? My problem being if I get more in and they go to a different school and then the boys are not leaving, how do I get them all? LOL! Sometimes I wish being a witch meant that I did have a working flying broomstick **sigh** having to stick to normal methods of transport is very boring. expensive and time-consuming, hehe.

Selene connection re-connected?

I've just become so excited on finding out the there will be a full moon tonight... and I'm wondering if it means that my connection to Selene is deepening again.

I've felt differently for a while now regarding gods (more positive and not so agnostic, more of a very, very soft agnostic... sure that gods are real, just never having had proof for myself). I'm wondering if this means that She never cut our ties at all, just gave me some breathing space in order to see if it was right for me, after all. I really wish that tonight's sky was going to be clear, just so that I could see Her and see if that's the case.

I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to go and put on my little crescent moon pendant. So I'm going to do that now :)

Time to re-ignite my paganism?

I'm the first one to admit that I have done nothing regarding my beliefs for a while now... ever since I felt my connection to Selene was severed a few months ago (see here) I have not felt particularly pagan, in fact I haven't felt very much of anything. I've done no reading about pagan things, I have barely posted on pagan forums, and it was only seeing a post asking what people are doing for Imbolc that I realized that it's next week!!

I sometimes wonder if it's my spending so much time (online) around christians that affects my pagan beliefs? Maybe I see them seeming to be so happy, content and spiritually rich that it makes me want to be like them... although the six months that I tried to be christian were some of the darkest, confusing and (regarding some of the things I heard myself say!) also most embarrassing times in my entire life. The constant trying to be something that I wasn't, of having to toe the party line, of never feeling free as I was always having to measure myself by the scriptural yardstick (and failing dismally everytime) made me well and truly miserable - and even now I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt when I do things that are biblically taboo or "sins" (like lying and thinking about sex).

Maybe it's because I am so very indecisive, and the more and more I seem to think about things, the more my sense of confusion seems to grow...on the flip side, the less I seem to think about things, the clearer my true feelings become (maybe something to think about there, although not too much, lol!)

I have done nothing remotely pagan for months... I have even stopped burning candles, which is sad because I do love candles. My cauldron is under my bed somewhere, my shelf of pagan books is gathering dust... but if asked by people I will say I'm pagan... and I get very defensive if paganism (in whole or it part) is belittled, attacked or mocked, either by those who are ill-informed or by those who are trying to make us all out to be devil worshippers, child killers, mad, bad or just downright evil!

I very much have a pagan heart, although I may not actively be practicing my pagan path (which I have no idea about, which could go a long way to explaining just why I'm stalled and sort of held in a kind of holding pattern or limbo regarding it!)

Am thinking that I should go and have a read of some of the books on my shelf again... see if I can fire up my interest... it certainly can't hurt, and it may just make me feel the way I used to about my path. Maybe I should see about writing a little something for Imbolc... it's only about a week away and what better way to banish this dark feeling than with a festival of light celebration?