Quick test post using BlogIt!

It's been a long time since I updated here and I'm sorry, life just has a way of kicking you in the teeth sometimes. My paternal grandmother died and although we weren't close it still knocked me for six... most of the time it still seems unreal and it is almost three months since she passed. Anyway, I'll update in more detail later on... I just wanted to try out this new blogging app as my HP tablet doesn't support the dedicated Blogger app and this is compatible so I wanted to try it :0)

My grandmother died on Friday.

The summer Solstice will now forever be linked with sadness for me. She passed away peacefully in her sleep, although her death was sudden as she wasn't ill and had showed no signs of rapid decline.

My Dad cried like a baby and Mum was upset because Dad was upset... but I don't know how I feel. I'm sad, but not upset - I'm sad that my Dad has lost his Mum, and like my Mum is now legally an orphan. I've not cried and it is not because I didn't love her, I suppose deep down I did, but she wasn't affectionate or loving towards me and I honestly didn't know her. If I'm brutally honest I didn't like her much... she was rude, unthoughtful and sometimes downright nasty, she was also an unapologetic racist. She used to make comments about my weight and I had to just keep smiling and bite my tongue sometimes to keep from screaming. In the end I sort of stopped really listening, I was pleasant and did the things she asked, but I felt she didn't trust me and I was always sort of on edge whenever I was around her. I was never close to her as she never allowed me to get close to her. She kept me at a distance and as a result I became very ambivalent towards her while she was alive. I did all I could for my Dad's sake, rather than hers. I feel no guilt as I did all I was allowed to do, even then I often got the impression she just wanted me to go away :0(

How do you grieve for someone you didn't know? Is it even possible? Is there any point? Sorrow is something you can't force, either you feel it or you don't. I don't feel anything much. I remember when my Nana died I grieved for years, it took me months to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel heartache crash down on me. Even now I sometimes cry because I miss her, but she lived with us for over two decades and I saw her every day. She loved me and told me so, gave me hugs, kisses, made me clothes when I couldn't find any that fitted in the shops. I knew that she liked me and she respected me. Never did she make comments that made me sad and despondent. In short Nana was the total opposite to Nan. Which is why my reactions are the opposite ends of the spectrum. On one hand I deeply mourn the passing of a large part of my heart; a loving, warm, affectionate friend... on the other is a distant, aloof, hurtful, virtual stranger that is my father's mother. A part of me is sad we weren't closer - but I know it wasn't my doing... how can you try and get close to someone if they don't let you?

Hospitals are such depressing places...

... and when the person you're visiting is a depressing person the experience is doubly soul destroying :o(

My Nan has suffered from two small and one medium stroke and has been in hospital for three weeks now. She seems to be getting worse instead of better and is content to just fester in her bed without putting even minimal effort into getting better and going home (although she is very vocal about what's not going to happen!) Three different women have been discharged from her ward since she was admitted, but all she is prepared to do when asked to do anything - regardless how small - is say "I can't" without even trying *sigh*

It's sad to watch someone just give up... I know she's 89 but to see a woman formerly so robust sit in bed and wet and soil herself without caring just drains me (of energy and also patience). Demoralising isn't the word :o(

Sorry to be a bit of a downer, I just don't know what to say to her anymore to make a difference. I've been gentle, harsh, kind, cruel, sharp, cajoling, patient, impatient - and now I just don't know what to say to her. My visits involve me sitting in a chair in virtual silence once the subjects of her meals, my meals, the journey, the weather, the other people in the ward and whether anyone has phoned to ask how she is, have been discussed. She doesn't like people laughing or making jokes and is quick to scold those that do with "it's not funny" or "don't laugh" and the way it's said quickly wipes any smiles away. Luckily I'm not alone during visits as Mum and Dad are with me, sometimes my youngest uncle, too, when he get get away from work. Without them all there as well I would probably go barmy!

I just worry how all this will affect my Dad (who suffers from depression himself). In turn that makes me anxious and nervous which doesn't help my digestive system which is not strong at the best of times. Mum is suffering from stress as well and for the first time in years the eczema on her legs has flared up and it looks like her leg ulcer could be returning as well (she's desperately trying to stop that before it starts). The extra walking is beginning to hurt Dad as he suffers from dreadful arthritis (and I swear the dreadfully uncomfy chairs are responsible for my current back pain).

We used to visit every day, but there seems little point if there is no positive change. Now we go every other day so that Dad can rest himself (and most 'off' days he spends asleep as it just takes so much out of him).

All told I just feel a bit dejected at the moment.

Sissy is back...

... and already we've run out of tuna and are almost out of loo roll - she's been back two days!! LOL! She's now out trying to join our local Blockbuster as she and Pingu want to watch Sherlock Holmes (and heaven forbid that they should WAIT!!)

She's also looking into finishing her degree up here, and leaving Brighton... she's sick of it down there, and she's also sick of the girls she's living with - all they seem to do is argue and her uni work is suffering as a result (what's the point of doing all this if she doesn't get the degree that she's hoping for because the stress of being in a place she hates, with people she hates stops her from reaching that goal?)

The only problem with her being back home is that the noise increases, Pingu would probably move in here to be with her (the plus side being they would pay rent, they've already agreed to doing that)... and my craft life would have to become more secretive - Sissy is very scornful of all things religious and I wouldn't want to be caught doing things that I would have to explain to people that wouldn't (or don't want to try to) understand.

It wouldn't be until the end of June, though, as that is when Sissy has to leave her current address and come back here (at least for the summer holidays, even if she then has to find somewhere else down there if she can't switch courses to up here).

It's a beautiful day here... a bit too beautiful for my liking, LOL! The sun is too bright, the temperature is too hot and I spent the morning stuck in my local branch of M&S with my Dad and 87 year old Nana (she was buying new bras and the lingerie department was so hot I thought I was going to pass out!! I managed to get a leaflet and use it as a fan, and it really helped)... that was after we had to go to the council offices to see about someone coming to fix her hot water, which has been off for three days - the earliest it can be sorted is Monday morning - oops!

Anyway... I suppose that wearing head to toe black on the hottest and sunniest day of the year, was a mistake... but being goth I really have no other colour of clothes that are comfortable (it's not about being cool, it about being me!)... so black it is, and I shall just have to suffer, hehe. I must remember to carry a small hand-held fan and a drink in future, maybe a parasol of some sort (if I can find one) - at least it would stop me feeling so hot!

I'm really tired now... the sun always makes me sleepy (not that it needed much, I was tired before I even started! Hahaha)