Hospitals are such depressing places...

... and when the person you're visiting is a depressing person the experience is doubly soul destroying :o(

My Nan has suffered from two small and one medium stroke and has been in hospital for three weeks now. She seems to be getting worse instead of better and is content to just fester in her bed without putting even minimal effort into getting better and going home (although she is very vocal about what's not going to happen!) Three different women have been discharged from her ward since she was admitted, but all she is prepared to do when asked to do anything - regardless how small - is say "I can't" without even trying *sigh*

It's sad to watch someone just give up... I know she's 89 but to see a woman formerly so robust sit in bed and wet and soil herself without caring just drains me (of energy and also patience). Demoralising isn't the word :o(

Sorry to be a bit of a downer, I just don't know what to say to her anymore to make a difference. I've been gentle, harsh, kind, cruel, sharp, cajoling, patient, impatient - and now I just don't know what to say to her. My visits involve me sitting in a chair in virtual silence once the subjects of her meals, my meals, the journey, the weather, the other people in the ward and whether anyone has phoned to ask how she is, have been discussed. She doesn't like people laughing or making jokes and is quick to scold those that do with "it's not funny" or "don't laugh" and the way it's said quickly wipes any smiles away. Luckily I'm not alone during visits as Mum and Dad are with me, sometimes my youngest uncle, too, when he get get away from work. Without them all there as well I would probably go barmy!

I just worry how all this will affect my Dad (who suffers from depression himself). In turn that makes me anxious and nervous which doesn't help my digestive system which is not strong at the best of times. Mum is suffering from stress as well and for the first time in years the eczema on her legs has flared up and it looks like her leg ulcer could be returning as well (she's desperately trying to stop that before it starts). The extra walking is beginning to hurt Dad as he suffers from dreadful arthritis (and I swear the dreadfully uncomfy chairs are responsible for my current back pain).

We used to visit every day, but there seems little point if there is no positive change. Now we go every other day so that Dad can rest himself (and most 'off' days he spends asleep as it just takes so much out of him).

All told I just feel a bit dejected at the moment.

What a horrible experience!

I went to the doctors and she immediately sent me for a blood test... she didn't examine me or anything and actually directed most of the questions to my Mum instead of me (I think she forgot that I'm 35 now and not a kid, which I was the last time she saw me. Whatever).

So, I went for the blood test... and I knew it was going to be a bad time from the beginning!

When I got there I was told to take a number... which was 280... and they were on 168! The waiting time was approx an hour and a half.

I waited patiently... and waited some more.

Finally the numbers crept up to the 270s and my nerves started to kick in... by the time 279 was called I was finding it hard to breathe. When 280 was called I went into the room and sat down on the chair... then the tourniquet was arranged and the time had come... I felt sick and when she said that she couldn't find the vein in my arm and had another go, to no avail, she said that she'd have to try the other arm! Apparently I have "wobbly veins" which means they tend to disappear (which they did when I was a kid and they had to draw the veins on with biro as whenever they tried to take blood they couldn't find the... hence my needle phobia as I was treated like a human pin cushion! 15 blood tests in one day will do that to a person, I guess).

By now I was getting panicky and just wanted to get out of the damned place! She managed to draw the blood from my left arm with no problem and I was finally free. I've never moved so fast in my life! I was out of the hospital before I knew it and I was having a hard time not breaking down and weeping. I phoned Mum and as soon as I heard her voice I just cried... at one stage I was hyperventilating just to try and keep the tears in check. Once I was back in the car I burst into tears and I was a quivering wreck! I turned on the air conditioning and managed to calm down enough to drive home. But I cried again as soon as I got in.

This is the effect that a simple, run-of-the-mill blood test has on me... because of my phobia of hypodermic syringes.

To top it all off when I tried to pull the tape off my skin (that was holding the cotton wool balls in place over the entry points) the stuff was so vicious that it actually ruptured a few blood vessels under my skin!

Anyway... I think I did quite well, in that I neither threw up nor fainted, and now I just have to wait for the results... fingers crossed there is nothing wrong with me, but in the pit of my stomach I fear there must be something to account for the problems I seem to be having lately (with  my digestion, irritability, constant tiredness, soft nails and thinning hair). Time will tell.

One thing I know for certain... I will never, ever, have any tattoos or piercings... if a blood test does this, then I hate to think of the result if the needles are bigger and more painful!

Spent the last four hours at the hospital in A&E (ER)...

... after the autistic guy we look after went on a temper rampage and bit Mum's had until it bled!! In the end his Mum and I managed to man-handle him into our back room and lock him in until he'd calmed down (which took about ten minutes or so!)

I have never seen Josh so angry as he was tonight... it scared me (the rage, not him personally), especially when he had his mouth locked on Mum's hand and wouldn't let go. I had to put my fingers in his mouth and force it open before he released her hand.

Mum cried, Josh's Mum cried and I was close to tears, but I managed to calm myself down (I have no idea how).

After getting seen by the doctor, Mum had to have a tetanus booster shot in her arm (queue my looking nauseous and looking away while taking many deep breaths!) and they gave a her a dumb sling to keep her arm elevated (to help reduce the swelling) some antibiotics (to kill any potential infection from the bite) and also some painkillers.

I feel dead tired and feel as if I could sleep for a hundred years. Josh also hurt me, although at the time I didn't even feel it... gotta love adrenaline! He has scratched the back of my neck, and I also have a few little marks on my hands and arms... Mum got the worst of him, sadly... though he would have bitten me if he'd had the chance, as I was restraining him (just prior to locking him in the room) he tried to bite me six times, but I dodged him.

I feel so sorry for his Mum... she is always walking on eggshells around him, never knowing if he's going to turn on her like he did tonight (and tonight proved that he can turn in the blink of an eye, as one minute he was playing with Mum and the next he was attacking her for no reason and had a look of pure hatred on his face, it was horrible!!)... and she'd be all on her own with him, as Josh's Dad seems to have better things to do than help with the care of his son :( We've said that if she has any problems with Josh over the bank holiday weekend, or if she needs a break or if he goes for her in any way, that she can call us and we'll be straight round (their house is about a five minute drive from here). It doesn't help that Josh is 6'1", weighs more than she does and is as strong as an ox and his Mum is about 5'6" and a size 10 (if that) with a weak back... I only came off so well as I'm stronger, heavier and roughly the same height... basically he didn't stand a chance as he ended up dealing with the one person that is not scared of him in any way! (and sadly he has the bruised shoulders to prove it... for which I apologised to his Mum about as I never intended to mark him like that).

Anyway... I've just had a quick bite to eat, as I'd had nothing to eat since about 2pm, and I think I'm going to clean my wounds and go to bed. What an end to Beltane :(

A little good news...

... we went to the fracture clinic, and after spending two hours there, all told, the doctor said that Mum hasn't got any kind of break in her elbow, arm or neck and she just has a bad sprain and bruising and stiffness from the fall. So happy that nothing's broken... we celebrated by doing... the weekly shop! How damned exciting, hehehe!

I feel really fed-up!

Ever had one of those days where you feel really fed-up for no reason you can think of? That's how I feel today. I have zero patience for stupid things and all I want to do is to be left alone! Not possible when you work with kids and they are still here   **sigh**

I've felt sort of weird for a while now, and it's nothing that I can put my finger on. I just feel sort of, blah, like everything is too much trouble and all I want to do is eat nice things and watch Last of the Summer Wine. I don't really feel like posting in forums, in fact I've just resigned from the big one I'm staff at today, I just can't be bothered with it anymore. Whether it's the "**had Bonfire Night, long time til Christmas type feeling**" I have no idea... I just seem to have zero tolerance for idiocy and people being dumb (bad news in this house, as my Dad has a passion for really winding me up by playing both parts extraordinarily well!!  *sigh*)

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to hibernate... it would be so very helpful right about now!


On a good note, though, Josh is out of the hospital and on his way up here as I write... I'm so glad that he is feeling better... not 100% well, but definitely on the mend :)... can't wait to give him a hug when he gets here. He's here!!!!!


{edited to add} Josh has lost a stone in weight (12 pounds) in nine days!! No wonder he looks so thin and gaunt... he was built like a bean pole before all of this!



**as said by Bren from dinnerladies**

Poor Joshie.

To all who may be reading this blog.

Could I please ask for some healing thoughts for the 15 year old severely autistic guy I look after, please? He's just been admitted to hospital with pneumonia in both lungs and somehow the doctors are going to have to get an IV line into him in order to administer the antibiotics to fight the pneumonia, which could mean they have to sedate him for the whole time

Any thoughts/energies/prayers would be greatly appreciated... his name is Joshua.

Thank you.