Why I thoroughly dislike Christmas

It isn't the over commercialization of the holiday. Or the fact that shops will try and beat you into submission by taking one day and throwing it at you in a barrage that lasts for six weeks before it arrives. It is because of an event that happened the day after it occurs.

My beloved maternal grandmother died on December 26th 2006. I adored her and she had lived with my parents and me for over 23 years. It was the first time I had ever lost someone in my family that I was close to, and that I loved deeply. It had, and still has, a profound effect on me. I've been in a state of mourning since that day and I probably always will be. The regrets of all the things I didn't ask or say haunt me and part of me cannot forgive myself for not being there when she died (Mum and I were on our way to collect more clothes and toiletries when we got a call telling us to come back to the hospital as soon as possible... by the time we got back she had slipped away).

The onset of the colder months fills me with dread. The rest of the year I'm ok, I can remember and not get weepy... but the closer it gets to December the more I can feel myself tensing up somehow. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I just can't help it. Believe it or not the new year is the worst. We all used to stay up late to see it in together and a lady up the road always rings a bell to see the old year out and the new year in - Mum and I go outside to listen and when I wish Nana a happy new year I always cry, then I set Mum off and we end up hugging each other and listening to the bell, standing outside in the cold. I just can't seem to help it. It only lasts a minute or two, but losing her still hurts so much. When people say that time heals, it doesn't. Time just moves forward and carries you along with it. You can either allow it to push you forwards or you can fight it and try to cling on to the past for as long as you can... eventually it will sweep you forwards whether you like it or not. We never get over losing people... we just become more and more used to them not being there anymore :0(

As memories fade, the feelings seem to lessen as well and that allows us to cope with everyday life. But the loss is still there, it may be buried deep inside, but it is still there. Maybe not as raw, maybe not as shocking, but still there, waiting for something to trigger it off... a smell, a sound, a look, a time of year... one day it will happen and the grief washes over you again in massive choking waves of pain and heartbreak. Tears flow and nothing you can do will stop them, they have to come out or they will drown you and burst forth when you least expect them to. It makes you want to crawl into bed and squeeze yourself into a tiny ball and you wish for sleep so that for a few short hours you can forget. Upon waking you have a few seconds of exquisite happiness when you are not awake enough to remember... but then you do, and sorrow smashes down upon you like a ton weight and you drag yourself out of bed and try and face the day with a brain full of sadness and a heart full of misery.

I still cling to the few precious things I have that belong to Nana. I cannot let them go as then my final grasp on the physical her will be gone as well. I need them to remind me of happy times; reading her recipes and remembering her baking a cake, seeing her handwriting and recalling watching her write cards and notes to people she loved, wearing her jewellery and feeling as if I have a small piece of her against my skin. I had to dispose of her perfume as it just triggered too much, too often... I was inundated with memories from just one sniff, it was unbearable. I smelled it the other day, whilst packing up the weekly shop in a crowded supermarket and I was momentarily unable to move as I thought she was there, mad I know, but for a nanosecond I had hope that she was, even though I knew she wasn't.

Sometimes I have to marvel that I haven't gone insane. I wonder why I am not in a mental health unit when just typing this entry has me sat here with tears blinding me and loss threatening to overwhelm me again. Maybe it is because I cannot allow it to do that, I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. My needs must be tempered by the fact they rely on me... if I fall apart who will be there for them then? I have to suck it up and only allow myself to let it out when everyone else is asleep... then I can put my needs first and just cry. Just release the pressure once in a while and allow myself to be sad and let my heart break again. Then I can fall into a hopefully restful sleep and maybe by morning my heart will have reassembled itself back together again... not perfect (like a broken vase, mended with glue, is never really the same as it was before it shattered) but passable to any but the most in depth of inspections.

All of this creeps towards me the nearer December comes.

That is why I dislike Christmas.

Long time no blog

I've not been here for a while now and I've got nothing really exciting to say.

Life is ticking along the same as ever really... except that my Nan is now unable to use any of her limbs because she just seemed to give up after her stroke (and it wasn't even a severe stroke as she only really lost her ability to stand at first). Now she will have to go into a care home as she's basically a quadraplegic and can do nothing for herself. I was sad at first, but now at least I won't have to worry about her falling over at home or burning her hand on the oven (like she did once before). She'll be safe and cared for and not many 90 year olds can say that.

Xmas always leaves me feeling a bit sad these days. Part of me misses that excitement that I used to feel, but the bigger part of me just sees this time of year as a time to mourn. It's the seventh anniversary of my beloved Grandmother's death on the 26th December. Time has healed the raw pain but there is still that scar that never properly heals and that sometimes causes me pain when I least expect it. I still miss her so very much, and I can feel the tears forming as I write this. She still had so much left to teach me and when she was here I made no effort to learn... and now it's too late and my opportunities have all gone. If I could pass one piece of advice on to all those that have elders that want to teach you something you're not too keen to learn, it would be this  -  accept the lessons while you have the chance, once the teacher is gone it's too late! Don't let yourself carry regrets from the past because you couldn't be bothered to shut up and listen for once.

Grief is a strange emotion. It strikes at random times. I was laughing earlier and now I feel as if I could howl my eyes out. I'm not a fan of crying as it leaves me feeling drained and exhausted, but sometimes it is the only thing that relieves the pain and tension... like screaming when you're angry eases the rage.

I think the hardest part about this time of year for me is seeing Mum get upset. We're not really an "emotional" family. We rarely cry tears of sadness and me being as soft as velvet under my pretend tough exterior means that when I see my parents cry I burst into tears myself. I try and be strong but sometimes I just can't be.

I need to stop writing or else I shall just break down.

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

Sometimes thinking too hard is bad for me!

I've been reading some of the blogs I follow, and I wish that I had some of the interests that other people seem to have... and also the seeming ease they have in writing about entertaining things that they do. Their entries are full of such exciting things, about subjects that I know nothing about and I wonder just why anyone would be interested in reading the stuff I write about? Most of the time I'm moaning, and if I'm not then I'm angry about something that I really should not be angry about. Rarely do I update about the pagan things, the very things I want to write about, yet because of my lack of privacy at home now, I rarely get the chance to practice.

I do nothing of any substance, certainly nothing that would be worth writing about anyway. At the moment my life seems to be working with kids and then watching tv or reading, eating and sleeping and maybe playing some games at Facebook. Hardly exciting stuff, is it? I highly doubt that the BBC are going to be beating my door down asking me to make a documentary about that! I think that the most exciting things I did today were wash up the dishes after dinner and write a few xmas cards for neighbours... yeah, really front page news! LOL. I felt so tired that I didn't even get dressed, I stayed in my pj's.

I wonder if my not feeling too well is the reason for my present ennui? Or maybe it's the weather? We had more snow today and whilst I agree it does look beautiful, it caused chaos on the hill - eight buses were stuck and one of them scared the hell out of me as it slid into the kerb, right outside my house and then came to a stop... it was a double decker, too, so quite capable of destroying my house if it happened to slide too far and crash through the front room windows!

I seem to have a permanent headache at the moment, and my nose is also blocked (and no amount of Sinex spray seems to remedy that for long, sadly). My whole head feels like it wants to explode and I have a dreadful pain above my eyes... I wonder if it's my sinuses? They usually are the cause of most of my headaches, stupid skull cavities.

See what I mean, moaning... again! Maybe I should just accept that I am quite a misery-guts most of the time!

Hopefully when I have ten days off at xmas I may be able to get out and do some things that normally I can't do as I work five days a week. Just getting out and taking some pictures would be better than sitting on my bum doing diddley squat (which is my usual habit).

I suppose I should go to sleep, I only had five hours last night as I got to bed late (or rather, early!) and then I was woken for breakfast, which was lovely, but I wasn't expecting it or else I would have gone to bed earlier, lol.

It is pouring with rain here...

... such a lovely noise (though I'm glad I don't have to go out in it, lol)

Greg was meant to be going to Forest School today, but on seeing how vile the weather is we decided not to bother (he was happy about it and asked to watch Waybaloo, hehe).


My back is killing me... it's not been this bad for ages. I wonder if struggling with the large umbrella that used to be over our washing line is the cause. In order for it to cover the line and keep the clothes dry in the event of rain it has to be opened before threading it through the rotary washing line... which means it has to be lifted out open, too. I was attempting to do that the other day (when it was really windy) and this huge gust of wind caught the umbrella and pulled me backwards sharply, kind of twisting me at the same time... I thought that my arm would have suffered, sadly not, it got me in the lower right side of my back instead. Great, just what I need (though sleeping without pillows is helping, as is taking strong painkillers).

The constant lecturing from Pingu about "if it keeps on I'm taking you to the bloody hospital" and/or "get to the doctors' woman!" is really beginning to piss me off, too... like he can give out advice... this is the man that has important scan results at his own doctors in Ealing and has failed to collect them in months. Sure, I'm taking advice from someone that fails to practice what they preach... arsehole!  **sigh**

I went back to the doctors yesterday...

... and according to the viscious woman locum that I saw I have tendonitis in my shoulder. She pushed an area in my shoulder so much that I was on the verge of tears, and if she had of touched me once more I would have lamped her one with my left hand! I could still feel her fingers digging into my flesh eight hours later (that is how hard she pushed me about!)

She would have told me to carry on taking ibuprofen tablets, even though I told her just how badly they effected my digestive system (pain is not the word)... until I told her that I was never taking them again, regardless of how bad my arm felt in the future! She eventually gave me Naprosyn 500mg tablets... and even though I've only taken two my arm is burning less, so it's looking good so far (and I'm able to type so it's looking even better than two days ago when I could barely even move!)

As long as they don't give me digestive pain/discomfort I'll keep taking them, but if they give me any kind of grief then I'm straight back to that doctors and demanding something else! My digestion is so fragile these days, and I'm not going to make trouble for the future by aggrievating it and possibly giving myself an ulcer or something like that (because knowing my luck that is exactly the kind of thing that would happen!! LOL)

When will the pain stop?

I now have a new, and vastly more intense pain in my arm, where it meets my shoulder near my armpit... when I lean forwards too far I get a feeling like I'm being stabbed (not that I've ever been stabbed, I'm guessing about that one).

Instead of the steady, deep burning in the rest of my arm, the new pain is sharp, intense and takes my breath away (and also gets me sort of jumping to attention as standing straight is the only way to stop it, though there is a shadow of pain always lingering there!)

I just don't know what to do. I loathe the prospect of going back to our useless doctor, but I don't think I'm going to have much choice if this doesn't ease soon!

So, I go to the doctors about my arm...

... and what a waste of time it was.

I was given diclofenac and told that I have a trapped tendon in my wrist and also the beginnings of a frozen shoulder! No mention of the arthritis in my wrist (which I know I have... the feeling of burning needles under the skin is enough to tell it's not normal pain... and it only seems to flare up when it's wet and/or cold - that's classic arthritis).

Plus when I get there I didn't have anywhere to sit (as usual) because all of the chairs in the place have arms. Surely I'm not the only one that cannot fit in their tiny chairs... what about heavily pregnant women? Or the elderly that have hip problems? Madness! I complained about it to the doctor (I wonder if he'll do anything about it? Probably not!!) Not only that, but it was so hot in the surgery that I was sweating after only being in there for 30 seconds - not good seeing as I in there for about 25 minutes in the end. It was like being trapped in a canary yellow, airless, windowless greenhouse. it was so oppressive I could hardly bear it. Leaving was like being freed from some kind of confinement! Never has fresh air smelled so sweet as it did this morning after exiting the doctors, lol!

He didn't do anything apart from make my arm sore (by pulling it about too much) and give me pills... pills that all of the people I know that have had them reckon are crap and don't work  *sigh* Plus, they are pills we already had in the house so I wasted over £7 on a prescription for stuff we already had here (same dosage and everything!)

My arm hurt so badly that I was in bed by 4pm... I just couldn't think of anything else to do, it hurt so very much. It feels like the whole right side of my body above the waist is stiff and any attempt to move it  just leaves me in agony. Just typing this I have a sensation of red-hot needles being pushed into my flesh from the wrist to halfway to my elbow (and I have to keep stopping and having a rest, I've been typing this for over an hour now!)

My biggest problem is not being able to hold a pen properly with my right hand, so I'm having to use my left... and I'm not left handed! My writing still looks like it was done by a kid of about 7... and I'm getting completely frustrated with the seemingly slow progress that I'm making... it never seems to get any better!!

I just wish this would go away, back to where it came from and not come back... the arthritis I can handle, as I've had that for about 10 years now, but my not being able to move my arm and shoulder is really getting on my nerves (literally as well as figuratively!!). I just feel so useless regarding work (or rather the lack of stuff that I can't do anymore) and my arm feels so heavy all the time - that and the dull ache that is always there is stopping me sleeping at night as I just can't get comfy and don't know where to put it to get some relief. Broken or sleepless nights are not good for putting me a good mood! They are my kryptonite, in fact  *sigh*

I need someone to hit me in the head with a mallet at night... then the arm pain wouldn't be problem (just the concussion, lol!)

What a bloody cheek!

And the day had so much promise before I went to bed last night, LOL! I had planned to do so many things... I was going to get out in the garden and now the weather looks as if it's going to pour with rain... and I am a total fair weather gardener (bad, I know).

I've also been put into a pissed mood by the delivery of the post this morning. We received an invitation to a wedding reception from my cousin... well, Mum and Dad did, I wasn't even mentioned, so I presume my presence is surplus to requirements, then!! I'm only the one that would have to drive them there, and I then, what? turn around and come home again?! Plus we aren't even worthy to attend the actual ceremony, just the party afterwards! So we can't actually go the bit that matters, but we can go the part that means we have to take a gift! Bloody cheek... they basically want our money in the form of a present then, not for us to actually see them get married. Fuck off!!

This is why I like not having a close knit family... most of them are total bastards that don't give a shit! This invite from the cousin that I haven't seen since the death of our grandfather about 14 years ago. I seriously could have walked past him in the street and I wouldn't have known it, I can't even remember what he looks like anymore. He knows where we have been for all of these years, we haven't moved, unlike him who has been all over the country and then was in India for I don't know how long. I would have preferred to have got no invite at all instead of the one for the reception. Whatever, but then I'm not invited anyway, am I? It's addressed to Mum and Dad only, my name is nowhere to be seen!

It's also on the same day as the final part of the first aid course I have to do, and I'm sorry, but the first aid is vastly more important to me than attending the wedding of a virtual stranger, so I wouldn't be going even if I had been invited! He can take his invitation, roll it up into a tight tube and then shove it up his arse as high as he can get it!! That is what I think about his "reception only" offer! See how he sits at the top table with that little lot blocking his rectum! LOL!

Dad has said that sadly he's not going to be able to go, as his leg is going to be hurting and stop him from walking that day... such a shame  **laughs like a manic**

To top off the day being crap before it even started, I woke up with my arm hurting as much as ever, and now I have to work with our 16 year old autistic guy at 3pm until he's collected (whenever that maybe) tonight (I love him dearly, and am looking forward to seeing him, don't get me wrong, but I'd planned to not be working until Monday... and I always get a bit fed up when I have to change my plans at the last minute  **grumpypants**)

Quick post

I accidentally deleted the entry I typed out before this!

My arm is no better, in fact it feels worse! I am also having to type out everything with one hand (and I keep hitting a button that activates some kind of shortcut and it either opens random stuff up or refreshes the page as it just did and then deletes the stuff I've just written!!!)

I'm having to use my right hand to type this as I'm too frustrated to keep losing the things I type using the one hand! Giving me total pain, but at least I've not hit the wrong button yet, lol.

I have not done any writing with my right hand for over a week, and my left hand writing is coming on nicely, though still resembles a kids and I'm getting really annoyed at the slow progress (I just think I'm getting somewhere and then it seems to go back a pace... I'm just so impatient *sigh*)

Anyway... apart from that all is good... I have another three day weekend as the kids are not here tomorrow, yippee. So glad the holidays are over.

Am off to get a special steering wheel handle to aid me in driving with the good arm tomorrow... hopefully it will help, and I can always remove it when I don't need it anymore. Must stop typing now as my right wrist is burning and I've got another dizzy spell coming on.

TTFN for now :o)

A quick (and short) update

At the moment I'm in real pain with my right arm. The cold and damp spell in the weather, not to mention all of the lifting and stuff I've done lately has really left me in total pain in my right arm. I can't lift it very high, hold anything of any weight and just typing this I can feel pain running right up into my shoulder. I'm even having to write with my left hand and I've had to switch my mouse buttons, too... really frustrating for someone right handed!

I'll not be writing here until my wrist and arm feel better... I just can't bear the pain of it.


Speak to you all very soon :o)

It's official... I HATE my digestive system...

... I can no longer eat anything containing onions (which includes leeks, shallots, spring onions and chives, and I'm also uncertain about garlic, too - they are all members of the allium family)... or too much pastry... or sausages or sausage-meat... or food that is too greasy. There are also other things that react badly with me, but I have to find them out as I go - which is not only painful, but time consuming, and it really spoils my day (and also puts a sour note on family dinners, too :( ) I just get a feeling of dread when it comes to my evening meal (breakfast is ok... no onions in cereal, lol) and lunch is ok, too (I always make my own lunch and never have anything ready-made anymore)... but evening meals are a minefield - the other day everyone else had a Chinese takeaway... and although it smelt lovely I could eat none of it... just in case there were onions in it........ARGH!!!

I am currently sat here with a stomach ache, and a dodgy bum (that I have a feeling is going to keep me up for most of the night!) I just want to have a normal digestive system... one that can process onions (and onion powder) - they are in so many things, even baked beans. There are so many things I miss desperately, sweet pickle on cheese sandwiches, worcestershire sauce to add flavour to food, even most shop bought soup contains onions and I don't always have time to make my own. **sigh** I just hate this so much!!

To add to my misery our dishwasher died yesterday, and after having one for 10 years to suddenly not have one is a total shock! I never realised just how excessive washing up can cause a backache (well, it does for me, and apart from Mum no one else seems to do any!)

Sissy also has ringworm! Ever since we found out I've felt itchy, though she is now on two doses of antibiotics (one oral, one topical) so hopefully it should be gone soon.

The one bright spot so far is that Wimbledon is on, so I have two weeks of great tv, lol!

That feels better

Dyed my hair again yesterday... it looks much better now without the over half an inch of light brown roots with the increasing amount of white! (getting old, Minty, getting old!)

I really need to get off my backside and get some exercise... I so wish that my bloody left achilles tendon wasn't so painful. I used to walk all over the place, but lately it always seems to be hurting no matter how far I walk (or don't). I was hoping that decreasing the distance I walked would make a difference and have it stop killing me, but I think I'm just going to have to get used to it hurting from now on... stupid ankle.

The weather isn't helping, either... if it weren't for the crocus that are blooming all over the place I wouldn't even know that spring was almost here... going to the shop earlier for some milk I could have sworn that it was approaching autumn... the smell of bonfires and that nip in the air that seems to signal the start of the end of the year.

HURRY UP ALREADY, SPRING!!!