Lately I have been dreaming about onion rings...

 ... and I've realised that my body may have been misleading me.

For years I thought I was intolerant to many different fruits and vegetables, but now I'm wondering if that is actually the case?

A few years ago, maybe three or four, I started to have terrible digestion problems; bloating, cramps, flatulence, constipation, diarrhoea, and sometimes stomach pains so intense they would send me to bed, where I would curl up into the smallest ball possible and have to try and sleep (sleep was the only thing that used to help). It got so bad that I turned to Google and discovered IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which seemed to list everything I suffered from. Knowing that my doctors rarely take me seriously, I decided to do an elimination test to see if I could find the “trigger” foods myself. I started to keep a food diary where I wrote down, without fail, every single thing that I ate or drank (although I didn't weigh food, that's just too much hassle lol). Not only did I write down what I ate, I also wrote down how it made me feel, and also how it effected my toilet habits. By doing this, over many months (and much pain) I found numerous triggers... the whole allium family (onions, garlic, shallots, leeks, chives and all granules, dried forms, salts and extracts containing them), peppers, sweetcorn, mushrooms, beetroot, swede, broccoli, cabbage, grapes, bananas, all squashes and pumpkin, spinach, courgettes, cauliflower, white flour products (bread, cakes, pasta, cous cous, etc), green peas, green beans... in short any veg that wasn't potatoes, sweet potatoes or carrots would give me trouble. Fruit was better, as long as I stayed away from grapes and bananas. Bakery products had to be brown, wholemeal, wholewheat, etc.

As you can imagine I wasn't a happy bunny, although my digestion was happier when I cut all of them out of my diet. The up side was I lost about four stone because I just couldn't eat most junk food, ready meals, pre-packaged foods or takeaways.

Oh, as well as the fruit and veg intolerances I also discovered that lactose caused me nasty trouble, so that meant most milk, cheese, yoghurt, cream , ice cream and anything else dairy was off limits (until I found a brand called Lactofree that I was ok with).  Plus I had trouble with chicken eggs... although I was ok with duck eggs (apart from the high price and even higher cholesterol content!)

Fast forward to about June 2015...

June 15th 2015 I decided to be a vegetarian... I forget now what prompted that decision... I may have written the reasons down in an old diary somewhere, but anyway.  People thought I was mad as I had so many bad reactions to so much veg, how could I possibly be a vegetarian? I admit I wondered myself, but I was determined to try.

After suffering bad headaches and sinus problems I discovered that dairy can cause that sort of thing. I decided to do a two week dairy elimination test to see if that was the cause of my pain. After about a week my sinuses felt a lot better and my headaches had decreased to almost nothing. Then, ten days into the two week test my sister had her birthday. Her fiancé got her a cake that was egg free but that contained cream... I took some lactase capsules (they used to help me digest the lactose so I didn't have a really bad time on the rare occasions I wanted something I shouldn't really have had lol). Within an hour of eating the cake my nose was blocked and I had a headache. It showed me that dairy and I were no longer friends and I decided to cut it out of my life completely... for good!
At about the same time I had been reading more and more about veganism, and all it entailed, and after a rocky start became a vegan on 15th July 2015.

As you can imagine those around me were worried as there were just so many foods I couldn't eat... what the hell does a vegan with so many intolerances to vegetables actually eat?! Luckily I didn't starve to death as I'm fine with wholewheat bread products, rice, wholewheat pasta and had grown used to making my own food from scratch.

I'm also one of those people that is always dumb enough to try things I know I probably shouldn't... and yes, I'm often surprised when I get bad reactions hahaha. However, in this case it proved to be a good thing as I was able to gradually reintroduce a lot of foods back into my diet... mushrooms, sweetcorn, broccoli, spinach, green beans, courgettes, and cabbage (including Brussels sprouts). I also discovered kale and avocados didn't hate me.

The one group that always made me really sad were the alliums as they are in so much food, the basis for so many amazing dishes, and also hard to avoid in vegan “junk food” and sauces (be they cooking sauces, pasta sauces, even stuff like ketchup). The sheer amount of onion powder, garlic powder, onion salt, garlic extract, onion granules, chives, and any combination of the above is astounding... I never knew just how much food contained one or many of them. It was a total shopping nightmare. Either products contained them, or were reformulated without any warning once I had already started using them (like Asda did once with some bbq sauce, lucky for me I'm a habitual paranoid label checker lol).

Fast forward again to about a month ago...

I have bouts of “bravery” regarding food. If my digestion has been doing ok I feel courageous enough to try foods that I normally avoid (that must be the masochist in me). I wanted to see if my intolerance to alliums was still bad, so got some Linda McCartney vegan sausage rolls that contain onion powder (I think) but no garlic so I thought it would let me know if onions still hated me (some people are affected by one, either or both... I was effected by both). I ate two sausage rolls and waited for the problems. None came. No pain, no bloating... nothing. I was pleasantly surprised. One more food to add to the plate. Then it got me thinking... if I could have onion powder, could I have garlic? (Not that I like garlic much, I just had to know). I found a Chinese BBQ sauce that had garlic but no onions and tried it. It wasn't very nice taste wise (although there was some slight discomfort). Then I thought, if onion powder was ok, maybe try something like dried chives. I used some as a garnish on some soup and again, no reaction!

Fast forward to today and so far I have had, onion powder, onion granules, onion extract, garlic powder, garlic extract, dried chives... and a large bowl of home-made leek and potato soup... with no comeback at all! I've had spicy burgers with onions, garlic and peppers... no comeback. I had some green peas the other day... with no comeback! To say I'm stunned is an understatement. I've been avoiding all these foods for years because of problems and now I don't have the problems (at least I don't think I do anyway... my next “try” is actual onion, I've bought onion rings and also red onions as well).

So what could have happened to suddenly make my stomach not hate most of the foods it used to (bananas still constipate me, but I was never much of a fan of theirs anyway lol).

It made me think... why now? What have I changed that could have such a drastic impact on my digestive system? And then one day it hit me... could it be because I'm vegan? Could the meat I ate for years have actually been the trigger for my problems and not the veg? I always had trouble digesting pork, it never liked me much. Steak often made me constipated. Any fish used to repeat on me so much I would want to vomit just to get the taste of it out of my mouth! Lamb would bloat me, and to a lesser extent so would chicken and turkey (although I never realised it). It made me wonder if I had been blaming the veg I would have with the meat for the trouble whereas I should have been blaming the meat! It just seems weird that I can now eat a lot of the things that gave me the worst reactions with no reactions at all... surely if something was so hard on the digestion that it would send you to bed that would never fully go away, regardless of how long between exposures.

Could nearly 16 months without meat have helped my digestive system to heal itself enough so that the “evil veg” doesn't cause any problems? Could the meat have been causing irritation and then the veg merely exacerbating a reaction already there?

Could I actually have been intolerant to meat the whole time and just never knew it?

Honestly I don't have a definite answer to any of those questions. All I can say is that I know how I feel, and that is fine. Maybe a little flatulence (who never has that?) but farts don't give me pain.

I guess that even if I hadn't become vegan for moral and ethical reasons, my body was screaming out for me to become one for health reasons. I just never knew it until now.

I'm going to take it slowly, I don't want to get my hopes fully up only to have them crushed by pain (which has happened many times before, when I've tried things in the past by jumping in head first instead of gently testing the waters with a toe at a time).

It has made me wonder if I should share my experiences with an allium intolerance group I'm in at Facebook? Obviously those with an allergy wouldn't benefit from reading it, allergies can be medically tested for whereas intolerances cannot, it is simply trial and error on the part of the intolerant person that discovers the triggers. But if meat could be behind my problems, couldn't it also be the same for others that might not even realise it?

I've changed the background to something bright and cheerful...

... because I'm sick and tired of winter now. I'm fed up of being cold and I'm bored of grey skies and dreadful weather! Roll on spring, I say (and I don't like warmer weather in the main, but I'm a bit disheartened with it being so bleak and miserable all the time).

I quite like tulips, they aren't my favourite flower, but I love the myriad colours they come in and they certainly do have a knack of cheering up dullness.

I've finally got the results from the doctor. Turns out I have a severe vitamin D deficiency. I'm now on a super strength supplement tablet (which is vile, by the way... note to companies making these things - if a tablet has to be either sucked or chewed you could at least make it taste pleasant... is that too much to ask?) I've only taken two so far as they are one a day, so I haven't noticed any change yet as it's too early. I just hope that they work... I don't know what happens if I still feel like crap in a few months time. What if the vit D thing is just something they found and not the cause of the aches and pains I'm suffering from? I guess I shall have to cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

I wish that sciatica was as quick to abate as it is to arrive... it can take seconds for it to appear and you're in agony for days/weeks until it decides to pack it's painful bags and sod off again! Mine seems to have come to stay for longer than the weekend, though. I hope it's not going to be visiting for much longer... I've been in bed for two days and already I feel like I'm going mad lol. Unlike last time it is mainly in my left leg so sitting isn't too bad, it's walking and bending that leaves me gasping for air. As I can sit down I've been trying to get some writing done.

I like writing, when I'm in the mood (which isn't very often as my concentration span is minute at the moment... pain does that to me) - but I found a book I started writing almost two years ago. It's set in London during the Blitz and it follows the life and struggles of a young woman called Tilly. I'm thinking of making her under twenty, that way she won't be conscripted into war work and I can develop her character more fully. Of course she'll volunteer for something, probably the WVS as I have first hand diary accounts of that branch of the voluntary services I can draw information from. I had only written a basic 'chapter one' before I put it down the first time (yeah, I'm easily distracted!)
  I'm unsure as to how long the piece should be, a full novel, novella or short story? I'm leaning towards novella and see how I go... it can be edited down or padded out to become either of the others if I find the story grows or I run out of ideas hahaha. I like to keep my options open.
  Normally I write poetry... mostly short and they have to rhyme. I don't like poetry that doesn't rhyme, it makes no sense to me, it doesn't 'flow'. I'm not a natural novelist, and I envy those people that seem to have hundreds of pages of stuff floating about in their brains. Part of my problem is that I'm impatient to get it all written down... so many times I have good things in my head and by the time I come to write them down they have disappeared, never to return! So frustrating to me, and I begin to lose heart, and interest, so I just stop. I also struggle in being descriptive, of conveying the pictures I have in my head down for others to read about and absorb.
  Apart from poems I have only ever completed one novella, in my life. A murder mystery, all written in long hand, and probably not very good... but at least I can say I have written one book lol.

Anyway, it's late and my painkillers are starting to work so I should try and sleep. I've had a bad few nights as I just get comfy and something spasms in my back or legs and I wake up again. Not helpful, not at all *sigh*

A simplified form of paganism for me from now on

For ages now I've felt as if my connection to Selene has been broken. I just don't feel as if there is anything there between us anymore. When I think of how excited and happy I was when I first realised I'd finally found a "patron" after years of searching it makes me a little sad, if I'm honest, to think that the link between us is gone.

But on the flip side I'm not bereft enough to fight for something I'm sure isn't really for me anymore. A large part of me thinks I've moved forward and Selene was there for as long as I needed her. Another part of me wonders in the role of gods and I feel quite agnostic about them as a whole at present. It's a fairly confusing and contradictory set of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my tired (and illness/cold/flu riddled) brain at present. The contradiction is this... I do believe that gods exist, I just don't really want a relationship with them anymore. I will always have a soft spot for Selene, she was the only goddess that ever made herself known to me personally (or maybe I convinced myself she did... that is open for debate lol) and I'll always be grateful to her for arriving at a point in my life when I was seriously questioning my being pagan at all. I was ready to give up completely and suddenly Selene appeared and made me feel that I was on the right track, and that regardless of what other "better pagans" thought about me and the way I practised my "craft" that I was pagan enough and had nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in my pagan life. I will always be grateful for that and the strength I gained.

Now though, I don't feel as if I need her and I also don't feel as if she needs me. It feels like a mutual parting of the ways. I feel as if I have gained all I needed to from our relationship and she is telling me that I'm strong enough now to go my own way. Like a mother that helps her child to learn to walk and then lets them discover the world for themselves. I hope that makes sense. I know it sounds fairly non-sensical and confusing, but I can't seem to explain it better.

I seem to feel quite apathetic most of the time and ritual has never been very high on my list of "essentials" so attempting to plan elaborate sabbats was never me... and I dont recall ever marking an esbat in my life! Apart from the odd pagan bits and bobs in jewellery and the cauldron I have, people would have a hard time telling that I'm a pagan at all by looking at me. I've gone past the "dripping with pentagrams" stage that most newbies go through. It feels more natural to wear my more goth themed items than it does the pagan ones these days.

Anyway, I digress.

Simple paganism for me is basically the stripping down of all the stuff and nonsense that I've spent the last dozen or so years trying my hardest to do! No overly planned rituals, no ritual clothing, no ritual items like athames or wands, no casting circles, no incense and no invoking gods or elements. I fact sometimes I don't say anything at all and just light a candle and think about what I want it to symbolise or who to help or "insert occasion here."

Bottom line is, I'm finished with that which I can't prove for myself to be 100% true or that I feel I don't need anymore (like gods). I've become more nature based in my ways. Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I can see and feel them, I can prove them to be real and I interact with them everyday of my life. Spirit is more difficult for me to comes to terms with, but I see that as akin to the energy in all things or like the soul. Granted I cannot prove that it exists but I cannot prove it doesn't either... so I choose to believe it does as it makes sense to me. If I can understand it and it makes sense to me then I have no problem with it.

I suppose my craft life, such as it is, could be described as "pagan-lite" ... simple yet meaningful to me, if no one else - and something which enriches me and doesn't feel like a chore or a burden. I guess that is all that matters really :0)

My thoughts on the bible

I found this written on a pad of paper under my bed. I don't know when I wrote it... probably when I was going through my xtian phase, but I still believe it.

"In the wrong hands the bible is more deadly a weapon than an atom bomb. Twisted by charlatans it makes the innocent 'guilty' - and the guilty 'righteous'. Its abusers use it to perpetuate violence and deny those who need it the most the very mercy and forgiveness that Christ mandated all to freely give.

I do not fear Scripture - just those who make it their mission to use it as a weapon against the vulnerable. Shame on them... and on all who choose to blindly follow them!"

I've been thinking about the past few days...

... and why it made me so upset. It has nothing to do with the story from FB, but the reactions of people regarding me that has upset me. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, that's fine and I'm not arrogant enough to believe that everyone should agree with me. It is the way in which people disagree with me, and that is what I have a hard time handling - when people are overly confrontational to me or talk to me as if I'm a piece of shit, that is when I become angry. I don't think it would have hurt as much had the guy from FB had any real contact with me lately, but he hasn't (the galling thing being that I'd recently sent him a cd that cost me £12 for free and then refused his offer to refund the almost £3 it cost me in postage to send it to him!)

Then I had someone I don't remember attack me here, when she has never once posted any kind of comment on this blog before. Then she tried to justify her doing so by saying that because I had commenting set to 'everyone' it gave her the right to speak to me like crap. Then she had the cheek to lecture me about 'lacking common decency' - that now strikes me as quite funny. I guess she knows all about that as she lacks it herself.

Apparently she has done it in the past as well, to people I do remember (and it was only when my brother went searching for her that he found a blog that posted her screen-name, which I kind of recall... although I still didn't have any contact with her directly even then). I guess some people are so arrogant and have such high opinions of themselves and their opinions they somehow feel they have the right to ride roughshod over everyone else regardless of what kind of damage they may do in the process. Having a loud voice doesn't always mean you have to scream at everyone all the time. One day they will scream at the wrong person and find someone screaming back... I just wish I could be there to see it happen and give them the old classic of  'I told you so'.

It's probably because I do take the things that people say to me seriously, and when I'm attacked online it feels just as bad as when I'm verbally attacked in the street for being fat. As much as I try and shake it off and tell myself that people don't know me and are just saying hurtful things to be hurtful or impress others and make them laugh, deep down it still cuts and bleeds and causes a scar. I struggle so much to be myself and not worry what other people think of me, it has taken years for me to do that and most of the time I still feel vulnerable and exposed when I attempt to be myself around anyone not a member of my tiny inner circle. It is akin to building a high wall around yourself to keep the world out and then having to gradually remove bricks in order to rejoin the world... only to have someone come along and try and batter the wall down so you build it back up, stronger and higher than before. Leaving you right back where you started, in fact in a worse place than where you started as you have more bricks to remove just to get back to that place.

People are always saying that I should stand up for myself and not allow people to stop me being who I am... yet it always seems that on the few occasions I do just that, I am once again attacked, belittled, dog-piled and  made to feel like I'm a horrible person for merely being myself. I can't win. I'm told I'm too lenient and a bit of a doormat, and then when I stand up for myself I'm told I'm 'not who I thought you were' and that I'm in the wrong and somehow lacking basic human decency.

I wish I could stop the people that don't matter from affecting me so badly, and for all of the positive and supporting messages I receive I still remember the negative and nasty ones. I may have a strong opinion, but I rarely use it against other people unless they attack me first. I have a strong opinion regarding issues, not individuals... and I would never speak to people the way they speak to me, especially in public. That to me 'lacks common decency'.

Sitting in a car park with time on my hands...

... and for some reason I bought a bible with me, in case I wanted something to read (don't ask me why). So I open it and start reading and I realise that the words mean nothing to me. I don't feel inspired in any way, even the parts that used to mean something to me (like Psalm 23 and 1 Corinthians 13.4-8)... they are just words on a page. I don't find them meaningful anymore. I wonder if I ever did.

As I sit here, in this car park in front of a clinic, I can see pyracanthus bushes, laden with berries - and a small holly, also smothered in berries. Until a short while ago there were dozens of tiny birds chirping and hopping about, flitting from branch to branch and seeming to be playing a game of chase. Just being birds. I felt my heart lighten at the sight of them, and a feeling of joy filled me, I felt so privileged to have been a witness to their lives, even for a few minutes.

And then the words of a dear friend of mine suddenly came back to me "why have a moon goddess when you have the moon?" And I finally understood, at a soul-level, what he meant. Why do I need a deity when I have nature. I'm unsure about the existence of gods, I cannot prove that they are here or not... but I have all the evidence I could ever need for the existence of nature. I can see it, touch it, prove that it's real. Why should I spend anymore time trying to prove the un-provable when I have all the proof for something undeniably real right in front of my eyes?!

No words on paper have ever made me happier than when I see the first flowers of spring, and no perfume is as sweet as that of real flowers - nothing can compare to a hyacinth or the scent of a rose that has been warmed by the sun.

Nature has a part of me that no god could ever possess, a huge part that is not for sale. I don't care how this planet came to be, it doesn't interest me. I just know it is here, and so am I, the rest is pure conjecture on both sides (be it big bang or god/s did it).

A question about the term "fluffy" in Paganism

There was a question asked, about just what "fluffy" means (at a forum I used to go to all the time, but which I rarely go to anymore as I feel as if I now longer belong there as I'm not "Pagan enough!")

I was going to reply to the thread, but upon reflection I really didn't feel comfortable enough in doing so and so I'm posting it here instead (no doubt someone would have remarked about my post not actually replying to the question of the thread, and I just cannot be bothered in people arguing with me over it). My reply:

I'd be very surprised if there were any "fluffies" in the Valley, this place tends to knock that out of people very quickly! I know it did with me!

Reading the definitions of "fluffy" here made me laugh... and I fall into the "fluffy" spectrum in a good few areas (although not in my belief about angels and fairies, I don't believe in them). In regards to some of them I'm a very bad Pagan and probably should stop using the term in regards to myself as I don't appear to be Pagan enough.

Personally, I don't care how fluffy someone is, and it's taking me years to counteract the negative programming I received here towards terms like blessed be and merry meet (and subsequently my opinions of people that use them, too... when you are told enough to scorn the terms, eventually you end up scorning the people that use them as well, which is wrong!)

These days I don't care what people believe, I just care about how they treat me and others. It matters more to me. If people want to believe that all fairies are like Tinkerbell and are happy little pixies that only do good for people, who cares? Who are they hurting by believing that? No one (and if the Fae are offended by that I'm sure they are more than capable of doing something about it, not that I believe in the Fae, either).

People should have the right to believe whatever the hell they want, and none of us have any rights to tell them that they can't (or treat them as somehow lesser for holding beliefs we disagree with... that would make us elitists).

I would have posted it there, but there would be no point, I'd either be ignored or I'd be dog-piled and have people having a go at me for saying it and I truly can't be bothered with that kind of treatment! I seemed to routinely either get ignored or treated as somehow lesser for voicing my opinion over there in the past, so I no longer bother anymore (in fact I left for the longest time and returned a few weeks ago to find most of the people that seemed to take umbrage at my mere prescence had been banned, but there are still a few left). I just don't feel as if my opinions matter so why should I post anything there?!

I can honestly say that the only things I learned there were how to look down on people for believing things that I was meant to find ridiculous and how to be very cynical and condescending regarding people that dare to say things that are frowned upon (like merry meet and blessed be).

It is being back at places like that that make me not want to be pagan at all... if I'm meant to believe some of the things that they all believe I'd rather not bother with any of it!

They are fine with people believing in whatever they want, unless they don't agree with it and then you shouldn't believe it! I truly don't give a shit anymore... if people want to worship a clown riding a yellow unicycle round and round in a circle, that is up to them and as long as they don't tell me I have to believe in it too, it's all good.

I sometimes wonder if it's places like that that help make me so confused sometimes... if enough people tell you you're wrong for thinking a certain way, eventually you start to believe them so that you feel like you belong! It reminds me of the story of The Emperor's New Clothes, where anyone that couldn't see the wonderful fabric was a fool... and as no one wanted to be thought of as a fool they went along with the charade even though the King walked the streets stark naked!

I'm not prepared to spend my time defending my opinions against people that have no right to question them, so it's better for me to just stay away from those people!!!

Asexuality and me

I've long suspected that I wasn't like "normal " people when it comes down to my feelings and views about sex. Don't get me wrong, I don't care what other people do... as long as there are consenting adults, I truly don't give a damn... your private parts, your private business! But for myself it's not a subject I care about or can ever see me "doing"... if you get my drift. The thought of it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm even a little scared, being honest and I've thought for a long time that I might be asexual.

For those that don't know what it is:

Asexuality (sometimes referred to as nonsexuality), in its broadest sense, is the lack of sexual attraction and the lack of interest in and desire for sex. Sometimes, it is considered a lack of a sexual orientation. One commonly cited study placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%.

Now, although I do not have any desire to ever have sex, I do find men appealing and I consider myself to be straight, and not gay as many men seem to think! I don't want to be with women, I like men (just not in a sexual way!)

There are many kinds of asexual as can be seen from the list below:

Asexuals, while typically lacking in sexual desire for either sex, may engage in purely emotional romantic relationships.Terms concerning this:

• aromantic: lack of romantic attraction towards anyone of any gender
• biromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of either gender
• heteroromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the opposite gender
• homoromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the same gender
• panromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of any gender or lack of gender
• transromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of variant or ambiguous gender
• polyromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of more than one gender or sex but without implying, as biromantic does, that there are only two genders or sexes

The confusing part is, that I do want a relationship and I am a hetero-romantic (the third option in the above list). I love the idea of having a romantic relationship, holding hands, hugging, kissing, everything that a normal relationship entails... just not the sex. That part doesn't interest me in the slightest. Some say that "I don't know what I'm missing" and this is true, but they fail to grasp that I still don't care, I don't want to know what I'm missing as I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything at all! Just like straight people don't want to know what they're missing out on regarding homosexual sex, I don't care about any sex.

Would I ever change my mind regarding this? I have no idea, at present, no... but if the right man came along and I loved him with all of my heart who's to say what I might consider doing for him? 

I was asked the other day if I'd be happy with my male significant other going to prostitutes for the sex I can't/won't provide and I'm honestly fine with him doing that... as long as I knew who she was (I'd want to meet her), he was safe (used protection), used his own money, and didn't kiss her on the mouth (not if I kissed him as well). Would I be hurt, probably yes, how could I not be at the thought of someone I adored being intimate with someone else, but on the other hand if I'm not going to be able to satisfy that need for him then it's unfair of me to expect him to not do it just because I refuse to! 

Just because I feel there are more important things than sex, I can't make that decision for everyone else... it would be like me being forced to have sex because my other half did it, too!! That's wrong as it takes away freedom of choice... I couldn't do that to anyone, least of all someone I loved.

So, they could go and do whatever they needed to do, and then come home... I don't want/need to know what they did (thanks all the same).

The ideal person to be with would be another hetero-romantic asexual... but that is probably wishing for too much. Still, I can wish all I like... and failing that, just a nice guy that understands would do LOL!

**both quotes fromWikipedia, click the Asexuality Logo on the right to read it for yourself**

Apparently I have a disease...

... don't panic, though, it's not serious.

Name any disease you can and I'll bet that you'd never guess the name of the one I have... in fact a lot of people wouldn't even class it as a disease. Measles? No. Chicken pox? No. Mumps? No. Turns out my disease is called Virginity and I need to be cured of it as soon as possible... apparently!

I've lost count of the amount of times I've been called a liar when I say I have never had a relationship, with anyone... and I can't see how guys can be so incredulous about it. No one has ever showed the slightest sign of interest in me before, and what the hell is the point in just going out and doing something stupid that you can never take back again?!

One of the things that annoys the crap out of me is that some guys think I should feel "grateful" when they offer to "cure me" of this pesky "disease" I have. I beg your pardon! One even kept talking tonight about "how would my parents feel about him staying over" to say I felt creeped out would be an understatement! First of all he wasn't my type, and secondly, when someone I've only known for twenty minutes starts talking about us sleeping together and him staying the night at my house (!) it's just moving way too fast for my liking or comfort!!

I wonder if part of my problem is that I seem to be attracting the wrong people... I know what I find attractive and what I don't, and I like white men... they could be Swedish, Scottish, French, Polish, Irish, German, whatever nationality, but I just don't find men of colour physically attractive (be they Black, Asian, Middle Eastern, etc)... just in the same kind of way that people of colour may not like white people. It's not something you have conscious control over... some people go for red hair, or green eyes, or bad boys, or big boobs, or accents but my preferences are few but important - a couple are, taller then me (around 6'3") and white...  most everything else is workable (even the sex thing for the right person, just not everyone if that makes sense, it would have to be someone very special for me to even consider it and the people I'm meeting now are not "him").

Ideally I would love to find someone that understands the important things, like my being pagan and goth... they are two things that are at the very core of my being, I could no more change them than change my DNA, they are a part of myself and always will be. Another thing that I seem to be doing is attracting Christians, and I have no idea why that is either. I could not go out with a confessing Christian, even if he was 6'3" and white, the religion would put me off as I've seen what it can do to people. As soon as the words "bible" or "scripture" passed his lips I would be running for the hills and I wouldn't be able to help myself! If he were respectful of my path and not out to convert me at every turn then maybe we could cope, but most of the church attending people that I've seen (though admittedly online) have always been out to convert me, and that is never going to work on me... not anymore! Most of the time I see myself as a kind of pagan agnostic, so to have Jesus shoved in my face all the time would be one of the sure fire things that would have me leaving... to try and change the minds of others because only you feel you are speaking the "religious truth" is so disrespectful to me. I don't try and coerce people into believing differently to me, so no one else gets to do that and still be with me (sorry about that!) A guy can be a Christian, go to church, whatever, just understand that I don't have to believe the same things and can do whatever I choose regarding my faith, then it's fine.

I'm probably being way to picky, and all of the guys I seem to go for are too far away from me, like hundreds of miles away or (as it always seems to turn out later) in relationships or married! Maybe I need to get out more, go to places where people like me hang out (although I have no idea where that even is lol). Pagan and Goth seem to walk the "misunderstood line" together, and oftentimes the two paths converge and seamlessly blend into one (like with me), surely there have be others that have the same weird outlook on life as me out there?

WHERE ARE YOU?!?!

Just watched another programme from Louis Theroux and the WBC

... and I cannot believe how crazy the people there actually are!

Some people have left the Westboro Baptist Church, including some of the members own children, and they don't seem to care at all! In one case I think the father was actually glad to have the disruptive influence removed from his home!!

I am just stunned that there are people on this planet that are prepared to suspend their common sense and follow someone like Fred Phelps... a man who is insane, at best, and just plain evil at worst.

It can only be described as a cult... and a cult of ever decreasing numbers, as more and more people leave (and no new blood cames in to take their places, fortunately). One girl even said "Some people lose their parents to cancer, but I've lost mine to a cult."

To see 11 year old boys standing and holding placards saying "God Hates Fags" is distressing, to say the least... but to hear the same 11 year old reveling in the wholesale massacre and destruction of everyone not a member of the WBC is shocking.

Some of the things that the younger generations come out with are mental ravings, usually only heard of in asylums, but they are proud of the things they say, and actively indoctrinate their peers and younger siblings to believe the same vile, hate-filled and disgusting things. They believe that President Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ, for example. Also that every other person on the planet (regardless of religion) is destined to be sent to hell because they are not a member of the WBC! That kind of lunacy I just do not understand, and I am very glad about that, too.

I just do not understand it, at all... and as I was watching it I thought that it would actually do them all, and the world, a massive favour if someone were to just kill them all and put them out of their misery (and the rest of the planet, too). Sadly I think that there would be no one left to mourn them were such a thing to happen.

To make yourself hated by the world is one thing... but to raise successive generations into the same thing is just plain evil.

Part of me is angry with them all, so very much... the adults chose to believe the things they did, I guess, but the poor children never stood a chance to find their own way in the world... they have this stuff hammered into them before they are even able to speak, let alone understand that they can have a choice. Another part of me pities them all... to chose to become figures of global hatred and curse your children to the same treatment... that gets my pity - it really does.

Some random thoughts about my Nana's death...

I remember when my grandmother died, I swear I felt my heart break and then sort of harden, somehow... sort of like I was trying to make sure it never happened again.

Thinking about it, that was probably the start of my goth journey... I'd never experienced anything like that before and I was forced to accept certain things (like death) as a normal part of life. Part of me had kind of refused to accept it before... losing loved ones was something that happened to other people, not to me, so it was a total shock when I lost someone that was such a huge part of my life. Even the death of my paternal grandfather didn't seem to bother me very much, as I didn't know him well so therefore couldn't really mourn him. I felt sad that my (other) Nan was now alone after so many decades of having him there (to moan at and nag, but it was just her way with him, doing that shows she cares deeply). But my (maternal) Nana had been living with us for 23 years... and through that time we had faced so many things together, like the death of my Uncle Jim (her youngest son) in a tragic road accident - his car slid on black ice sending his car crashing into a wall, killing him instantly of a broken neck... our money troubles... many and varying health crises, including my Dad needing to be sectioned into psychiatric hospitals wards, twice! Not to mention all of the fun and happy times, like family holidays, day trips, laughing and joking and even silly little things like watching tv or chatting about books... it all adds up, and when it is suddenly not there anymore, it is life changing, and not in a good way.


It is four years since Nana passed on, December 26th 2006, and even now I get upset by the smallest little things. I bought some carnations the other day, and as I bent my head to smell them I was instantly reminded of her, and I had a hard time not bursting into floods of tears in the middle of the crowded supermarket! Nana adored flowers, and gardening, and she always had fresh flowers. Carnations were her favourite, especially pink ones, or the ones with the picotee edges (where the edges are a different colour to the rest of the flower) and chrysanthemums.


It is just seemingly silly little things like that, that still set me off... sometimes I will just sit and cry, even after all these years, because I cannot believe she has gone.

My one regret is that all of her dressmaking knowledge died with her... when I think of what I could have done with just a fraction of the skills she had, I could kick myself 

I am so very fucked off right about now!!

How dare people go out of their way to make another person feel like shit... just how fucking DARE THEY!!! Who the fuck do they think they are?!?! To keep stringing people along, making them wait, keeping them dangling like a long forgotten puppet. People make mistakes, people fuck up, show me someone that has never fucked up something and I'll show you a damned LIAR!!

Trust gets broken, fair enough, keep your distance... but do NOT keep people waiting and waiting for the day you say will eventually come when you feel about them in the same way as before your trust was broken. IT.WILL.NEVER.HAPPEN!!

What makes it all the sadder is that this isn't real life, where trust and hearts have been broken face-to-face, this is online... on the internet... one step removed from reality. How this can be as bad as real life trust breaking, well, that one is beyond my comprehension. People can be whoever the hell they want to be online... in my time I've pretended up a storm, and sometimes I still do, to have the life that I dream of, I can only do that online.

Do I give a shit what other people think about my doing that? Fuck no! It's no-one else's damn business.

But when someone is genuinely asking for your forgiveness, for something they did months ago (and which seems trivial to most other people outside of your little protective clique) who is at fault there? The person trying to make amends or the person not allowing them to do so? So someone may call you names and sound a bit jealous/threatening... get the fuck over it already! If they lived just down the street to you then I say be a little wary, but when they live on a different CONTINENT to you, then what the hell is wrong with YOU for being such a moron and cowering like some beaten dog?! WTF is wrong there?


Shall I carry on and piss off some Xtians? Why the fuck not, this is my tiny corner of the web and I can say what the fuck I like here... hold tight, here we go.


Do what the red words say or don't call yourself a CHRISTian!! His words and deeds should be the blueprint for your life or you're doing it wrong! It's not about the rules and regulations in the Old Testament... they were written for the Jews... the only words you need to be concerned with are the ones uttered by the Son of God... no one else's words mean a thing... Jesus is it... do as He says or fuck off!

If you are treating others as you would like to be treated yourself then you will not be breaking any commandments... it's really simple... Love God, and everyone else, too. Six words... and they are the hardest words to live by... but if you use the name CHRISTian, then follow His example and do as He says. If you don't then you are a liar and you are not a real CHRISTian... simple really!

I don't care what a book says about "end times" and "heaven and hell" if you are treating people as Christ commanded then it will not matter... the "end times" is the future and we don't live in the future, we live in the present... and "heaven and hell" are also not to be worried about... why worry? If you are "following the red words" then it's covered!

Would you like to be treated like shit, be talked down to, be made to feel less then something on the bottom of someone's shoe? Then don't make others feel like it!! If in doubt just remember What Would Jesus Do? If He wouldn't treat people they way you are treating them now, then you have a problem!!

If you expect people to forgive your sins, then you also have to forgive other people theirs! Hypocrisy is a dirty word... ask yourself, honestly, "am I a hypocrite?" "do I say one thing, yet do something completely different?"


And on that note I think I'll stop.

Sometimes thinking too hard is bad for me!

I've been reading some of the blogs I follow, and I wish that I had some of the interests that other people seem to have... and also the seeming ease they have in writing about entertaining things that they do. Their entries are full of such exciting things, about subjects that I know nothing about and I wonder just why anyone would be interested in reading the stuff I write about? Most of the time I'm moaning, and if I'm not then I'm angry about something that I really should not be angry about. Rarely do I update about the pagan things, the very things I want to write about, yet because of my lack of privacy at home now, I rarely get the chance to practice.

I do nothing of any substance, certainly nothing that would be worth writing about anyway. At the moment my life seems to be working with kids and then watching tv or reading, eating and sleeping and maybe playing some games at Facebook. Hardly exciting stuff, is it? I highly doubt that the BBC are going to be beating my door down asking me to make a documentary about that! I think that the most exciting things I did today were wash up the dishes after dinner and write a few xmas cards for neighbours... yeah, really front page news! LOL. I felt so tired that I didn't even get dressed, I stayed in my pj's.

I wonder if my not feeling too well is the reason for my present ennui? Or maybe it's the weather? We had more snow today and whilst I agree it does look beautiful, it caused chaos on the hill - eight buses were stuck and one of them scared the hell out of me as it slid into the kerb, right outside my house and then came to a stop... it was a double decker, too, so quite capable of destroying my house if it happened to slide too far and crash through the front room windows!

I seem to have a permanent headache at the moment, and my nose is also blocked (and no amount of Sinex spray seems to remedy that for long, sadly). My whole head feels like it wants to explode and I have a dreadful pain above my eyes... I wonder if it's my sinuses? They usually are the cause of most of my headaches, stupid skull cavities.

See what I mean, moaning... again! Maybe I should just accept that I am quite a misery-guts most of the time!

Hopefully when I have ten days off at xmas I may be able to get out and do some things that normally I can't do as I work five days a week. Just getting out and taking some pictures would be better than sitting on my bum doing diddley squat (which is my usual habit).

I suppose I should go to sleep, I only had five hours last night as I got to bed late (or rather, early!) and then I was woken for breakfast, which was lovely, but I wasn't expecting it or else I would have gone to bed earlier, lol.

In answer to the question "If this world was perfect, how would things be different?"

In a perfect world? Tough question.

In a perfect world there would be no religion... nothing on this planet has caused more death, persecution, hatred and violence than people fighting over who is religiously right. Faith would take a back seat to common sense and nothing should be valued more highly than truth and justice.

In a perfect world there would no such thing as snap judgements and people would be accepted for who they were and what they could do and not how they looked.

In a perfect world there would be total equality.

In a perfect world there would be no poverty and no one so disgustingly rich that they feel they have the "right" to look down on others and treat them badly purely because they are poorer than others.

In a perfect world there would be no violence, disease, injustice, inequality, abuse, poverty, famine, war, and all of the things that these inevitably bring in their wakes.

However, a perfect world would also be a very boring and mundane one that lacked all of the things we hold so dearly. There would be no laughter, no comradeship, no community spirit, no fun, no love - as all of the things that bring us together and keep us together are the things we wouldn't have in a perfect world. It's only when things get as bad as they can possibly be that you discover things about yourself and those around you... and it's also when you learn who your friends are and what you are truly capable of.

We would lose compassion, empathy, understanding, sympathy and all of the other emotions that you only gain when you have been personally effected by tragedy, hardship, sadness or loss of those you love and admire. If we all had the same life experiences what would we have to talk about? There would be no one to help and nothing to really do.

Sometimes in the darkest of times you find the brightest lights shining, bringing hope to the world... if it was bright all the time you'd quickly lose sight of them. If there were no tunnel, you'd not be able to see the light at the end of it.

More Pagan musings.

I cannot put my finger on just what makes me think that I'm "The Moon's Girl" but I am. I guess it's one of those things that you only understand if it happens to you.

I wasn't even able to do anything much for Samhain as I was kind of waylaid into watching films with "The Pair"... fortunately they were films I wanted to see, so it was all good. I did mark it in a small, internal way, though... and for some reason I cannot bear the thought of either of the two of them watching me perform rituals of any kind, even simple stuff like leaving offerings... it feels like they are witnessing a part of me that is far too private for their eyes to see.

Earlier in the day, though, I'd gone to see my Nan (who had fallen down the stairs) and she asked if my Dad had a wedding ring... (the answer is no) and she wondered if he'd wear his late fathers' one (which she wore on her middle finger, but which had become too large and kept falling off). I said that if Dad didn't wear it, that I would and she did no more and took it off and asked which finger I'd like it on. For some reason I chose my ring finger, left hand and it has been on ever since. Normally I would never wear gold jewellery... I have it and it feels wrong, as I'm a "silver" person... but this is different and it's come to symbolise much more than being just a wedding ring... it is something tangible of the past, a link to those that have passed over - when I see the ring it reminds me of my Grandfather, and in turn that sets me off thinking about all of the people and pets I have lost in the past, and I even recall some of the stories of my other Grandfather that died before I was born. Being gold it also is a symbol of the God (and even though I have not been "claimed" it feels right to have silver on my right hand, for My Lady, and gold on the left for The Lord that is yet to emerge... if He ever does).

All of this on Samhain, too... after thinking about it for a couple of days it seems like that was my ritual after all.

So...

... not too sure what to write here, to be honest. The blogging bug seems to have gone into hibernation for the winter. I've not even written my paper journal (which is weird for me). Maybe it's to do with the weather, the pain I'm in and the fact that I now have a cold - and for some unknown reason the worst backache I've had in years. Whatever it is, I just can't seem to settle to write anything down. I wonder if the constant thought of my efforts being discovered is putting me off, or whether I'm just too tired/lazy/meh to actually think about things to write about? lol.

I have been thinking about my path, though, so maybe I should write about that?

For some reason I can feel my connection to the Moon deepening... I'm not sure just how it is, or what it entails, but "something" feels different.

I was thinking about "The God", too... the male aspect of deity and the fact that after the initial meeting with Pan that nothing more has happened. It's so weird, but I feel no connection to any male deity whatsoever... even Pan just gets a feeling of "that's nice... and?" from me these days. I was thinking that I might be one of these pagans that doesn't "have a god" (although I do believe in the existence of them/Him). Then I got to thinking, is that wrong? I know in some pagan circles that having the female without the male is frowned upon, deity being both sexes it really should be that you honour both, too... but can you really do that if you feel no connection to a male godhead? Not sure how to go about doing that... to say "Lady Selene and My Lord  {blank} " just feels very wrong to me. I don't really see the need to try and force myself upon a God that doesn't want me (and if They want you They let you know, lol!).

I was also thinking about my relationship with Selene and how do I know that I actually have one and I'm not deluding myself? The short answer is that I don't... I have no idea just why I am so sure that I'm a Moonwitch (I was called that by a very dear friend, and it makes perfect sense to me, so I've adopted that title). I don't even know what a Moonwitch actually is, nor what they do, how they practice, nothing! At the present time I can only say that I am a Moonwitch and my brain tells me that whatever I do is what a Moonwitch does, lol... (sounds quite arrogant, I suppose, but it doesn't when I think it, only when I write it down).

The way your interests change

I was reading at one of my favourite forums about the religion of Ancient Egypt and about the modern day people that follow it in Pagan circles and I replied saying just how uninteresting I now find the topic... amazing when you consider just how I was obsessed with Ancient Egypt about 8 years ago! I have books (over forty of varying ages), tv shows, figurines, jewellery... I even have two scarves that have hieroglyphics on them, lol!

What's weird is that now, at this present time, I have no interest in Ancient Egypt at all... nothing, nada, zip! I was watching a programme about Hatshepsut the other day and I couldn't have been less interested if I'd been watching paint dry... to say I was bored would be an under statement... and I don't understand it at all. To go from thinking about virtually nothing else for years, to being in this state of abject not caring is fairly alarming, even worrying to me. Very rarely do I lose total interest in something that I used to love, and when I do I sort of seem to enter a kind of mourning phase for the thing/s I leave behind... and most of the time it doesn't last very long and something always comes along to pique my interest again after a while. Sadly I don't think anything is going to relight my passion for Ancient Egypt... I've felt like this for roughly 8 years and as each year passes I seem to care less and less.

I asked for advice on how to re-ignite my interest... but I don't think there is going to be an answer that will help me. I wonder if I've moved on from that phase in my life to something else? I don't know what to, as I have no current obsession with anything much at present, just many things I like, nothing that would be classed as obsession.

I wonder if I'm just too tired, in pain and worrying about my job to give my full attention to much of anything these days... (though I'm hoping to get out in the garden over the weekend and have a bit of a tidy up, bad arm permitting... I'm actually hoping that giving it some gentle exercise will help in loosening it up and help me to move it more, well it can't hurt... well, it really can, but I guess it hurts anyway so at least I can get the dead plants out of the ground and still be in pain rather than stare at their woody corpses out of the window all of the time LOL!!)

It's all just so weird!

**I have a new keyboard now which makes typing easier, if not painless, so at least I can type without having red hot daggers flare up under my skin... always nice I find to not have that feeling, LOL!**

So... I'm thinking

... which is always a baaaaad thing for me to be doing (I confuse myself on a good day... so thinking too deeply on a day that is not so good is - well, bad!)

The thing I'm thinking about is my faith - big surprise there! And I'm thinking that trying to have a path that is complex, demanding and "heavy" is not very "me" at all! So I'm thinking and randomly surfing the net yesterday (as I do) and I come across this blog: BroomCloset Witch... now, this blog is for those people that live with intolerant people or for reasons that are their own have to practice their faith in secret (hence... being in the "broom" closet). And it set me thinking (uh-oh!)

Now... practising your faith in secret appeals to me... I don't have to do this... but it's something I try to do anyway (purely because I live with people that aren't pagan and have no interest in celebrating things as I do, and I am a fairly secretive person by nature)... I see faith as something that should have its private side (yes, I'm a proud pagan, by the way!), the bit that is just between you and any deities that you choose to honour.

And I was wondering just how to go about practising my faith in private... so private that not even the people I live with would now about it (if you knew just how scornful Sissy can be of all things "religious" and with the prospect of her being back here for nearly three... long... months, plus her boyfriend come the end of June, you'd be thinking what I'm thinking, too... I assure you... you would!)

Now, I recall reading in a Kate West book, many moons ago, about substitutions that you can make for most things that would/could be used "in circle"... problem being? I don't cast circles, never have done... it's a part of the whole "you must do this to be a proper pagan" schtick that I seem to rebel against with every fibre of my being! But then I don't "do" magic/k either, so there ya go! The deepest my working goes is to send good thought/vibes to people and maybe light a candle or two... simple, not complex... yet it works for me (always has done... not changing it now, hehe).

I do honour my gods and I do little things for people, but I have never cast a circle in order to do it... neither do I ritually bathe, change clothes or do any of the things that people are "supposed" to do. I remember reading somewhere that our ancestors wouldn't have been able to do any of the above (as sometimes people only had the one set of clothes anyway), they were clean and didn't have the time to do things with "bells and whistles" (plus, is some cases, they never knew who might have been watching... being a nosey parker is not a new thing, haha!) That is the way I go about things... if I get the urge to do something then I do it - if I didn't, by the time I'd showered, found something new to wear, cast the circle and done all the rest I'd have forgotten what I wanted to do in the first place as I have the kind of mind that does that! Sometimes the extent of my Sabbat celebration is to stay awake to watch the sunrise whilst reading about my gods (which is what I did for Beltane this year).

Anyway... it's going to be one of those topics that occupies my mind for a few days, at least... and when I come up with a way I'll post it here (for those that give a toss... for those that don't, well... just skip this post ;) )

Isn't it strange...

... the things that make you think?

I've been having a browse through some of the other blogs on this site... nothing overly weird about that, after all, the whole point of having an online blog is the hope that someone also online, somewhere will read it. But looking at some of the other things that people write about, well, I sort of feel inadequate in the random nonsense that sometimes passes for a blog entry from me!

Mostly I update it when things are going wrong, if I feel crappy or just need to vent about real life crap... I'm sure that I'm not alone there... writing about stuff here means that I don't have to piss off the people in my life by loading them up with all of the drivel that is spinning around in my brain (plus it also helps avoid getting those looks from people that say "hey buddy, you really do need to get some help for your mental problems and stop talking to me!!!")...

... Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, my feelings of blogging inadequacy. Some of the blogs I read were totally deep... the kind of thing that I could never in a million years even properly understand, let alone write! Majorly philosophical and chatting about things I didn't even know existed (sorry, got side-tracked there by someone at the door!). Either that or some of them were of a religious bent; mostly christian, and for some reason I'm about all out of patience with people that lay everything on God and take neither credit nor responsibility for their own actions. (The people that do that kind of thing are the very people that seem able to use their apparent faith to attack others for having differing beliefs, or use their belief as some sort of shield to protect themselves from the rightful comeback that they deserve for the things they've said... makes me sick and angry and I have no time for it anymore!)

Sometimes, well most of the time lately if I'm honest, I feel a real dunce. People seem to be discussing things I have no idea about, that rarely make sense to me (and I'm too afraid of looking stupid to ask them to explain, plus, by the time I get there the subject has moved on to something else... I'm chatting about Internet forum threads here). A lot of the time, the stuff I read can be deeply profound, and I wonder just where people get it from, is it a real place and could they please give me the directions of how to get there?! My rambling nonsense is banal and meaningless in comparison **sigh**

I wonder if being ill makes me feel more muddle-headed and confused or if I'm actually like that, but most of the time I fail to notice? Guess it's one of those questions it's best not to look too hard for the answer to.

Why do I bother?

I often wonder what I bother joining online forums for... I don't seem to get anything out of them anymore! I'm not christian, so don't fit too well on the christian ones, I don't feel particularly pagan these days, so am none to comfortable on the pagan ones, I don't feel very goth anymore, so the goth ones are not really me and as for the rest that I've joined in the past I just can't seem to get a foot in the door as I have nothing to say there... and even if I did I am really just not in the mood to post my opinion and get set upon by the forum regulars for daring to post my views, or worse, have to cite sources to back up every little thing that is posted, or else have to retract my opinion! (Just how you are meant to find things to back up your own opinion, I have no idea **sigh**)

Apart from Farmville and the rest of the facebook games, and the Drag Cave dragons I highly doubt that I'd do anything online anymore. This blog entry is the most I have typed online in about four days!!! So unlike me. I just can't seem to think of anything of any value to say... neither do I fancy voicing an opinion that will be unpopular, or saying things that in some places can actually get me banned, just for daring to question others about the things they say! Shocking, yet true.

I just can't seem to be bothered with all of the damn drama that some places seem to generate... I don't want to agrue about Jesus, nor do I wish to be constantly told that unless I accept him that I am doomed to spend an eternity in hell. Sadly, that is the very thing that I get told on a fairly regular basis at some of the places I frequent (though not with any regularity these days). Some of the people are just so totally toxic in the things that spew from their mouths that I have neither the time nor the inclination to bear them any longer. I think that Winston Churchill got it right when he said "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. "