A simplified form of paganism for me from now on

For ages now I've felt as if my connection to Selene has been broken. I just don't feel as if there is anything there between us anymore. When I think of how excited and happy I was when I first realised I'd finally found a "patron" after years of searching it makes me a little sad, if I'm honest, to think that the link between us is gone.

But on the flip side I'm not bereft enough to fight for something I'm sure isn't really for me anymore. A large part of me thinks I've moved forward and Selene was there for as long as I needed her. Another part of me wonders in the role of gods and I feel quite agnostic about them as a whole at present. It's a fairly confusing and contradictory set of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my tired (and illness/cold/flu riddled) brain at present. The contradiction is this... I do believe that gods exist, I just don't really want a relationship with them anymore. I will always have a soft spot for Selene, she was the only goddess that ever made herself known to me personally (or maybe I convinced myself she did... that is open for debate lol) and I'll always be grateful to her for arriving at a point in my life when I was seriously questioning my being pagan at all. I was ready to give up completely and suddenly Selene appeared and made me feel that I was on the right track, and that regardless of what other "better pagans" thought about me and the way I practised my "craft" that I was pagan enough and had nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in my pagan life. I will always be grateful for that and the strength I gained.

Now though, I don't feel as if I need her and I also don't feel as if she needs me. It feels like a mutual parting of the ways. I feel as if I have gained all I needed to from our relationship and she is telling me that I'm strong enough now to go my own way. Like a mother that helps her child to learn to walk and then lets them discover the world for themselves. I hope that makes sense. I know it sounds fairly non-sensical and confusing, but I can't seem to explain it better.

I seem to feel quite apathetic most of the time and ritual has never been very high on my list of "essentials" so attempting to plan elaborate sabbats was never me... and I dont recall ever marking an esbat in my life! Apart from the odd pagan bits and bobs in jewellery and the cauldron I have, people would have a hard time telling that I'm a pagan at all by looking at me. I've gone past the "dripping with pentagrams" stage that most newbies go through. It feels more natural to wear my more goth themed items than it does the pagan ones these days.

Anyway, I digress.

Simple paganism for me is basically the stripping down of all the stuff and nonsense that I've spent the last dozen or so years trying my hardest to do! No overly planned rituals, no ritual clothing, no ritual items like athames or wands, no casting circles, no incense and no invoking gods or elements. I fact sometimes I don't say anything at all and just light a candle and think about what I want it to symbolise or who to help or "insert occasion here."

Bottom line is, I'm finished with that which I can't prove for myself to be 100% true or that I feel I don't need anymore (like gods). I've become more nature based in my ways. Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I can see and feel them, I can prove them to be real and I interact with them everyday of my life. Spirit is more difficult for me to comes to terms with, but I see that as akin to the energy in all things or like the soul. Granted I cannot prove that it exists but I cannot prove it doesn't either... so I choose to believe it does as it makes sense to me. If I can understand it and it makes sense to me then I have no problem with it.

I suppose my craft life, such as it is, could be described as "pagan-lite" ... simple yet meaningful to me, if no one else - and something which enriches me and doesn't feel like a chore or a burden. I guess that is all that matters really :0)

Finally made an offering to Selene...

... as I promised I would last month.

I was feeling really sad last month and I asked Selene for help... and I started to feel better. I promised that at the next full moon I would leave an offering for Her, because She helped me when I needed Her. So tonight I left a small glass of white wine in my cauldron after saying a few words of thanks (I would have placed the wine directly into the belly of the cauldron, but the last time I did, where the wine is quite acidic, it had started to cause the cauldron to rust, which I don't want, so I put it in a small glass and then placed the glass in the cauldron. after taking a small sip as a sign of my thanks... yes it did make me feel dizzy, so offerings of wine, in the future, don't pass my lips, or I have to use fruit juice lol).

I didn't have time to shower, so I washed my hands, face and hair and as I washed I said this (at first in my head and then out loud): "Holy water that feeds the earth and makes all clean, cleanse me for my offering." Then I went in my room, lit my candles on my altar and made the offering. I only had the candles burning for a couple of minutes and then I snuffed them out, placed the lid on the cauldron and left.

I felt really happy afterwards. I keep my promise and in the past I've not done so and have felt really guilty afterwards.

Then, when I came into the front room a few hours later, I looked out the window and the Moon was right outside, shining into the room at me. I spoke to Her for a few minutes, saying thank you and that I had made my offering as I promised, and then I just sat watching Her for a little while. I felt so calm and content... really happy.

So...

... not too sure what to write here, to be honest. The blogging bug seems to have gone into hibernation for the winter. I've not even written my paper journal (which is weird for me). Maybe it's to do with the weather, the pain I'm in and the fact that I now have a cold - and for some unknown reason the worst backache I've had in years. Whatever it is, I just can't seem to settle to write anything down. I wonder if the constant thought of my efforts being discovered is putting me off, or whether I'm just too tired/lazy/meh to actually think about things to write about? lol.

I have been thinking about my path, though, so maybe I should write about that?

For some reason I can feel my connection to the Moon deepening... I'm not sure just how it is, or what it entails, but "something" feels different.

I was thinking about "The God", too... the male aspect of deity and the fact that after the initial meeting with Pan that nothing more has happened. It's so weird, but I feel no connection to any male deity whatsoever... even Pan just gets a feeling of "that's nice... and?" from me these days. I was thinking that I might be one of these pagans that doesn't "have a god" (although I do believe in the existence of them/Him). Then I got to thinking, is that wrong? I know in some pagan circles that having the female without the male is frowned upon, deity being both sexes it really should be that you honour both, too... but can you really do that if you feel no connection to a male godhead? Not sure how to go about doing that... to say "Lady Selene and My Lord  {blank} " just feels very wrong to me. I don't really see the need to try and force myself upon a God that doesn't want me (and if They want you They let you know, lol!).

I was also thinking about my relationship with Selene and how do I know that I actually have one and I'm not deluding myself? The short answer is that I don't... I have no idea just why I am so sure that I'm a Moonwitch (I was called that by a very dear friend, and it makes perfect sense to me, so I've adopted that title). I don't even know what a Moonwitch actually is, nor what they do, how they practice, nothing! At the present time I can only say that I am a Moonwitch and my brain tells me that whatever I do is what a Moonwitch does, lol... (sounds quite arrogant, I suppose, but it doesn't when I think it, only when I write it down).

Honouring a whole pantheon?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I consider myself "Greek" in that I feel the strongest connection to the Greek Pantheon of Gods and Goddesses. My patron Goddess is Selene, Titan Goddess of the Moon and I love her, don't get me wrong, but for a long time it's felt kind of lonely only having the one deity to give thanks and offerings to.


I was reading this article at Wikipedia today, and it got me thinking (I know, always a bad thing, lol) and it started me back on an old train of thought "why not leave offerings and ask the help of those Gods/Goddesses assigned a specific duty in your pantheon?" Why ask Selene for wisdom when that request could be better filled by Metis or Athena? Why ask Selene to bless a party or festival when that kind of thing is the speciality of Dionysus? "Why ask Selene to help in the healing of aches and pains when that is the purview of The Algia (the spirits of pain and suffering - Akhos: trouble, distress - Ania: ache, anguish - Lupe: pain, grief, sorrow)?

It's one of those things that slightly confuses me as well as excites me, if I'm honest, as I can't see Selene's place in all of this... and if I'm taking my requests to other deities then I'm not sure what I'm meant to ask of Her? I don't do much by way of honouring her anymore, rarely do I leave offerings, but I do give a special devotional sign to the Moon whenever I see Her shining in the heavens (like last night). I always get the feeling that it's enough, though, She asks no more of me than I already give (in fact sometimes I get the distinct impression that if I were to do anymore I'd be doing it wrong, lol).

I don't know... I guess it's one of those things that will take some thought... maybe it will become so complex as to not make it feasible... after all the Greek Pantheon is huge, and if I were to try asking advice/honouring them all (because they cover virtually every aspect of daily life) I'd be forever doing so and wouldn't be able to stand up without asking a deity about it LOLOLOL!

Selene connection re-connected?

I've just become so excited on finding out the there will be a full moon tonight... and I'm wondering if it means that my connection to Selene is deepening again.

I've felt differently for a while now regarding gods (more positive and not so agnostic, more of a very, very soft agnostic... sure that gods are real, just never having had proof for myself). I'm wondering if this means that She never cut our ties at all, just gave me some breathing space in order to see if it was right for me, after all. I really wish that tonight's sky was going to be clear, just so that I could see Her and see if that's the case.

I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to go and put on my little crescent moon pendant. So I'm going to do that now :)

Time to re-ignite my paganism?

I'm the first one to admit that I have done nothing regarding my beliefs for a while now... ever since I felt my connection to Selene was severed a few months ago (see here) I have not felt particularly pagan, in fact I haven't felt very much of anything. I've done no reading about pagan things, I have barely posted on pagan forums, and it was only seeing a post asking what people are doing for Imbolc that I realized that it's next week!!

I sometimes wonder if it's my spending so much time (online) around christians that affects my pagan beliefs? Maybe I see them seeming to be so happy, content and spiritually rich that it makes me want to be like them... although the six months that I tried to be christian were some of the darkest, confusing and (regarding some of the things I heard myself say!) also most embarrassing times in my entire life. The constant trying to be something that I wasn't, of having to toe the party line, of never feeling free as I was always having to measure myself by the scriptural yardstick (and failing dismally everytime) made me well and truly miserable - and even now I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt when I do things that are biblically taboo or "sins" (like lying and thinking about sex).

Maybe it's because I am so very indecisive, and the more and more I seem to think about things, the more my sense of confusion seems to grow...on the flip side, the less I seem to think about things, the clearer my true feelings become (maybe something to think about there, although not too much, lol!)

I have done nothing remotely pagan for months... I have even stopped burning candles, which is sad because I do love candles. My cauldron is under my bed somewhere, my shelf of pagan books is gathering dust... but if asked by people I will say I'm pagan... and I get very defensive if paganism (in whole or it part) is belittled, attacked or mocked, either by those who are ill-informed or by those who are trying to make us all out to be devil worshippers, child killers, mad, bad or just downright evil!

I very much have a pagan heart, although I may not actively be practicing my pagan path (which I have no idea about, which could go a long way to explaining just why I'm stalled and sort of held in a kind of holding pattern or limbo regarding it!)

Am thinking that I should go and have a read of some of the books on my shelf again... see if I can fire up my interest... it certainly can't hurt, and it may just make me feel the way I used to about my path. Maybe I should see about writing a little something for Imbolc... it's only about a week away and what better way to banish this dark feeling than with a festival of light celebration?

What a strange experience!

(long entry... sorry)


I was talking to two christians yesterday (which in this case was a bad idea) and the topic was other religions and of course the topic shifted to talk of my burning in hell for all eternity because of my refusal to accept Jesus! One poster there was only 15 and another one chimed in and the tone of their posts really upset me in the end and I got quite scared about what they were saying (mind you it was 3am, I was tired and alone and they caught me by surprise with their tag-team posting!).

Anyway... in the end I had to turn off the computer as I was getting quite panicky (never happened to me before) and I thought to myself "what if they're right and I do go to hell!" I don't even believe in the place and I was getting totally freaked out! So weird! So I close down the kitchen (lock the door, check the windows, change the cats' water, etc) and I go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. Now, normally just thinking of Selene would calm me down and make me feel better, but last night it didn't, if anything it seemed to add to my panic.

I was sat on the loo (sorry, I know, tmi!) brushing my teeth and trying to distract myself by reading a book (and failing dismally) when I heard a bird singing outside. Now that's not too strange around here, I hear birds all the time (even at 3am as we have bright lights on the motorway) but this was a bird that I'd never heard before, and as it was chirping away, a name just popped into my head "Ceridwen" and from then on I could almost hear this bird singing "Ce-rid-wen" when it was chirping. Now I've glanced briefly at the Welsh/Celtic Pantheon, but nothing more than that (the prounounciation always put me off), so why it should be the name of Ceridwen that calmed me right down and filled me with a feeling of tranquility, I have no idea, and I still don't?! I looked her up in my mythology book and the scant info I had said that she was a fertility goddess, and then mentioned about her brewing a potion of knowledge for her ugly son, but someone else drank it so she ate him and he later became the bard, Taliesin (or something like that, I was really tired by this point, and I haven't looked for more info before writing this).

After a few minutes I was feeling back to normal, and the birdsong seemed to get louder for an instant, and then it was gone... and it hasn't returned. I don't even know which bird it was, although I know what it wasn't (not crow, pigeon, magpie, starling, collared dove, blue tit or jay, as we have them on the birdtable, and I know their songs and chirps quite well). It just seemed so strange to hear a new birdsong when I was in such need of reassurance, and then once I was calm and telling myself what an idiot I was for being spooked by those people, it made me aware for an instant with an increase of volume, and then it was gone. I would know the song if I heard it again, although I cannot describe it (as I'm rubbish at doing animal impressions).

I know it's not unheard of for people to be drawn to gods from different pantheons, but I was so sure about Selene, yet today I feel nothing for her... she is just another Greek god, and I feel really sad about that... could I have been wrong about having her as my patron all along? Or was she just there to guide me into my craftwork and now her job is done and I am free to explore other things? I feel a little bereft, to tell the truth, and I don't know what to do now! If I'd been asked yesterday which god was "mine" I would have had no hesitation in answering, Selene... but ask me now and I have not a clue **sigh**

MOT day for the car...

... IT PASSED!!!!! I am so very, very, very, very happy and relieved... all it needs is some new front windscreen wiper blades. That was the longest 35 mintues of my life! LOL!!

I now owe Selene (my patron goddess) an offering of white wine (her choice) for giving me the strength to get through the past week! I have the wine sitting beside me and am just waiting until later on to go and make the offering in my cauldron first and then I shall use it as a libation on the garden tomorrow.

Finally gave my thanks for Mabon

I was a day late, as I felt too ill yesterday, but I have just done what I wanted to do.

I thanked Selene for allowing me to have her as my patron Goddess, and then I took a small red apple, cut it in two (across not vertically) and I used it as a thank you to the Earth (not a god, but the actual planet).

I said (and I can't remember the exact owrds, but it went something like this).

"I thank you, Planet Earth for everything you have given me, and everyone else this year so far. I cut this apple in two as a thank you, one half for the food and water I have had, and the other half for the food and water that I have yet to consume.

For all of your bounty, I thank you... and I bury this small apple as my symbol of thanks to you."

And then I buried it. After I'd done that I thanked Selene again for the strength she gives me to face each day, I fed the birds and came indoors.

I feel happy now, as I usually forget to mark the festivals, and feeling ill hasn't helped (damn this stupid cold!), so I'm glad that I did something, even though it was small and late (which is better than nothing and never, lol!)


I shall light a votive and place it in my cauldron later, too... and I shall write a proper prayer to Selene, and not something just "off the cuff". My aging memory means that I always seem to forget what I've just said, and therefore don't have an accurate record of my workings.

I wonder...

... if there is "something" watching over me. Whenever bad things happen there always seems to be a good outcome from them, in some way or another. Or maybe it's just the way that I seem to handle things lately. Take work... we always seem to get people in at the last minute (and have our bacon saved, so to speak).

Rarely (not wanted to tempt Fate, so touch wood, lol) has anything truly terrible happened that we haven't been able to get through (Mum and me, usually). Maybe it's because we are determined and stubborn, or maybe as Mum is a born survivor and it's slightly rubbed off on me... or maybe we get each other through tough things, I don't know.

It just seems strange that I've accepted Selene as my patron goddess and things are starting to look up for me. I wonder if it's a welcome home gift from Her... for some reason I want to thank Her for giving me the strength and optimism to get through the last few months. Everytime that I've felt nervous or anxious or I've felt myself starting to stress something has happened to take my mind off of it... usually something connected to the moon - like, I'll be trying not to worry about something and I'll have the urge to look up and there will be My Lady, shining down on me and the worry just disappears.

I think that is the greatest power of the gods... their ability to help us when we don't even realise it... there is something in me that shrinks away from bothering a deity with my very human troubles (I think they have enough to do without listening to my moaning and whining and asking to be helped out of the pits I dig myself in this life!) but I think that Selene has been subtly helping me, all of this time, from the moment that I first came across Her (or rather from the moment that She allowed me to find and connect with Her). I have sometimes felt an inner strength that I never knew I had (and I don't recall having it before I found Her) so I can only assume that She gave it to me, or maybe She woke up that part of me that has been dormant all of this time... whatever it was that happened, I don't know, but I doubt that I did it myself (or I would have done it years ago).

So, thank you, My Lady, thank you.