I've changed the background to something bright and cheerful...

... because I'm sick and tired of winter now. I'm fed up of being cold and I'm bored of grey skies and dreadful weather! Roll on spring, I say (and I don't like warmer weather in the main, but I'm a bit disheartened with it being so bleak and miserable all the time).

I quite like tulips, they aren't my favourite flower, but I love the myriad colours they come in and they certainly do have a knack of cheering up dullness.

I've finally got the results from the doctor. Turns out I have a severe vitamin D deficiency. I'm now on a super strength supplement tablet (which is vile, by the way... note to companies making these things - if a tablet has to be either sucked or chewed you could at least make it taste pleasant... is that too much to ask?) I've only taken two so far as they are one a day, so I haven't noticed any change yet as it's too early. I just hope that they work... I don't know what happens if I still feel like crap in a few months time. What if the vit D thing is just something they found and not the cause of the aches and pains I'm suffering from? I guess I shall have to cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

I wish that sciatica was as quick to abate as it is to arrive... it can take seconds for it to appear and you're in agony for days/weeks until it decides to pack it's painful bags and sod off again! Mine seems to have come to stay for longer than the weekend, though. I hope it's not going to be visiting for much longer... I've been in bed for two days and already I feel like I'm going mad lol. Unlike last time it is mainly in my left leg so sitting isn't too bad, it's walking and bending that leaves me gasping for air. As I can sit down I've been trying to get some writing done.

I like writing, when I'm in the mood (which isn't very often as my concentration span is minute at the moment... pain does that to me) - but I found a book I started writing almost two years ago. It's set in London during the Blitz and it follows the life and struggles of a young woman called Tilly. I'm thinking of making her under twenty, that way she won't be conscripted into war work and I can develop her character more fully. Of course she'll volunteer for something, probably the WVS as I have first hand diary accounts of that branch of the voluntary services I can draw information from. I had only written a basic 'chapter one' before I put it down the first time (yeah, I'm easily distracted!)
  I'm unsure as to how long the piece should be, a full novel, novella or short story? I'm leaning towards novella and see how I go... it can be edited down or padded out to become either of the others if I find the story grows or I run out of ideas hahaha. I like to keep my options open.
  Normally I write poetry... mostly short and they have to rhyme. I don't like poetry that doesn't rhyme, it makes no sense to me, it doesn't 'flow'. I'm not a natural novelist, and I envy those people that seem to have hundreds of pages of stuff floating about in their brains. Part of my problem is that I'm impatient to get it all written down... so many times I have good things in my head and by the time I come to write them down they have disappeared, never to return! So frustrating to me, and I begin to lose heart, and interest, so I just stop. I also struggle in being descriptive, of conveying the pictures I have in my head down for others to read about and absorb.
  Apart from poems I have only ever completed one novella, in my life. A murder mystery, all written in long hand, and probably not very good... but at least I can say I have written one book lol.

Anyway, it's late and my painkillers are starting to work so I should try and sleep. I've had a bad few nights as I just get comfy and something spasms in my back or legs and I wake up again. Not helpful, not at all *sigh*

Hospitals are such depressing places...

... and when the person you're visiting is a depressing person the experience is doubly soul destroying :o(

My Nan has suffered from two small and one medium stroke and has been in hospital for three weeks now. She seems to be getting worse instead of better and is content to just fester in her bed without putting even minimal effort into getting better and going home (although she is very vocal about what's not going to happen!) Three different women have been discharged from her ward since she was admitted, but all she is prepared to do when asked to do anything - regardless how small - is say "I can't" without even trying *sigh*

It's sad to watch someone just give up... I know she's 89 but to see a woman formerly so robust sit in bed and wet and soil herself without caring just drains me (of energy and also patience). Demoralising isn't the word :o(

Sorry to be a bit of a downer, I just don't know what to say to her anymore to make a difference. I've been gentle, harsh, kind, cruel, sharp, cajoling, patient, impatient - and now I just don't know what to say to her. My visits involve me sitting in a chair in virtual silence once the subjects of her meals, my meals, the journey, the weather, the other people in the ward and whether anyone has phoned to ask how she is, have been discussed. She doesn't like people laughing or making jokes and is quick to scold those that do with "it's not funny" or "don't laugh" and the way it's said quickly wipes any smiles away. Luckily I'm not alone during visits as Mum and Dad are with me, sometimes my youngest uncle, too, when he get get away from work. Without them all there as well I would probably go barmy!

I just worry how all this will affect my Dad (who suffers from depression himself). In turn that makes me anxious and nervous which doesn't help my digestive system which is not strong at the best of times. Mum is suffering from stress as well and for the first time in years the eczema on her legs has flared up and it looks like her leg ulcer could be returning as well (she's desperately trying to stop that before it starts). The extra walking is beginning to hurt Dad as he suffers from dreadful arthritis (and I swear the dreadfully uncomfy chairs are responsible for my current back pain).

We used to visit every day, but there seems little point if there is no positive change. Now we go every other day so that Dad can rest himself (and most 'off' days he spends asleep as it just takes so much out of him).

All told I just feel a bit dejected at the moment.

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

Apparently I have a disease...

... don't panic, though, it's not serious.

Name any disease you can and I'll bet that you'd never guess the name of the one I have... in fact a lot of people wouldn't even class it as a disease. Measles? No. Chicken pox? No. Mumps? No. Turns out my disease is called Virginity and I need to be cured of it as soon as possible... apparently!

I've lost count of the amount of times I've been called a liar when I say I have never had a relationship, with anyone... and I can't see how guys can be so incredulous about it. No one has ever showed the slightest sign of interest in me before, and what the hell is the point in just going out and doing something stupid that you can never take back again?!

One of the things that annoys the crap out of me is that some guys think I should feel "grateful" when they offer to "cure me" of this pesky "disease" I have. I beg your pardon! One even kept talking tonight about "how would my parents feel about him staying over" to say I felt creeped out would be an understatement! First of all he wasn't my type, and secondly, when someone I've only known for twenty minutes starts talking about us sleeping together and him staying the night at my house (!) it's just moving way too fast for my liking or comfort!!

I wonder if part of my problem is that I seem to be attracting the wrong people... I know what I find attractive and what I don't, and I like white men... they could be Swedish, Scottish, French, Polish, Irish, German, whatever nationality, but I just don't find men of colour physically attractive (be they Black, Asian, Middle Eastern, etc)... just in the same kind of way that people of colour may not like white people. It's not something you have conscious control over... some people go for red hair, or green eyes, or bad boys, or big boobs, or accents but my preferences are few but important - a couple are, taller then me (around 6'3") and white...  most everything else is workable (even the sex thing for the right person, just not everyone if that makes sense, it would have to be someone very special for me to even consider it and the people I'm meeting now are not "him").

Ideally I would love to find someone that understands the important things, like my being pagan and goth... they are two things that are at the very core of my being, I could no more change them than change my DNA, they are a part of myself and always will be. Another thing that I seem to be doing is attracting Christians, and I have no idea why that is either. I could not go out with a confessing Christian, even if he was 6'3" and white, the religion would put me off as I've seen what it can do to people. As soon as the words "bible" or "scripture" passed his lips I would be running for the hills and I wouldn't be able to help myself! If he were respectful of my path and not out to convert me at every turn then maybe we could cope, but most of the church attending people that I've seen (though admittedly online) have always been out to convert me, and that is never going to work on me... not anymore! Most of the time I see myself as a kind of pagan agnostic, so to have Jesus shoved in my face all the time would be one of the sure fire things that would have me leaving... to try and change the minds of others because only you feel you are speaking the "religious truth" is so disrespectful to me. I don't try and coerce people into believing differently to me, so no one else gets to do that and still be with me (sorry about that!) A guy can be a Christian, go to church, whatever, just understand that I don't have to believe the same things and can do whatever I choose regarding my faith, then it's fine.

I'm probably being way to picky, and all of the guys I seem to go for are too far away from me, like hundreds of miles away or (as it always seems to turn out later) in relationships or married! Maybe I need to get out more, go to places where people like me hang out (although I have no idea where that even is lol). Pagan and Goth seem to walk the "misunderstood line" together, and oftentimes the two paths converge and seamlessly blend into one (like with me), surely there have be others that have the same weird outlook on life as me out there?

WHERE ARE YOU?!?!

I feel so very tired today...

... guess that is one of the consequences of eating that cheese on that pizza last night!  (When my food intolerances flare up I get very tired and feel like sleeping for days afterwards).

I don't understand what is wrong with me when I think that there is nothing wrong with me so I can eat the things that I know full well I should avoid like the plague! Is it a form of denial... "sure I can eat that... it was weeks ago that it made me feel like shit, what harm can it do?!"

Yeah, plenty, MORON!

Our boiler has stopped working!! (Plus a right old moan-fest!)

Meaning we have no central heating and no hot water!

I never knew this house could be so cold... my bedroom is recording a temperature of 56F or 13C! No wonder I'm having trouble sleeping. Funnily enough it's not the central heating I miss, it's the hot water... if I had water I wouldn't care about the heating, we have electric fires and blankets so it's not a huge problem, and if things get too chilly then you just go to bed (well, I do - must remember to add another blanket tonight).

The only problem I'm having is washing my hair - I have scalp problems and have to wash it daily or else the itching and soreness get too great and I'm in a foul mood and I feel dreadful (like I have swarms of headlice - not a pleasant sensation). I literally have 24 hours before I have to wash my hair again and any time over that and I can feel the tingling and itching creeping back again. Maybe it's psychological, maybe its me subconsciously clock-watching and making my head itch... I have no idea, but the burning and the consequent scabbing from scratching is real, and hurts and I really want to avoid that if possible!

Pingu has a friend that was meant to be coming round yesterday to have a look at the boiler and see if he could see the problem... then he was meant to be coming today, but now John (the friend) has miraculously discovered the problem without even looking at the boiler and has ordered a part (which is costing almost £100) and he will come and do it for us and waive the labour charge. The only problem is that it will take THREE DAYS to get the part and then he has to come down from Essex (about 70-85 miles, depending where in Essex he is based) to do it for us... on top of working his regular job.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to him for helping us out, but part of me wishes that Pingu had kept his nose out of it! As soon as the boiler went wrong he was straight on the phone calling his mates and trying to get it fixed... without even asking us first! He had no clue as to what kind of breakdown cover we had in place, he never even asked, he just did the usual and "Super Builder" came to the rescue!

Regardless of the problem, be it big or small, he thinks he is the only one that can fix it or get it fixed, and I actually find that blanket assumption very insulting! Just because he's a qualified carpenter (though is now a delivery driver) he thinks that he is the be all and end all of odd jobs and how a house should be run! He regularly tells Mum when to pay the bills and says what he thinks the rent money he gives us should be spent on, he complains when we buy food, yet never complains when he eats it (and then never replaces it). He just pisses me off... he even tells Dad off for pinching cigarettes and when he sees him coming will hide Mum's or give them to me so that Dad can't take any. He thinks he's helping, but in reality he is just pissing people off - big time, with his constant poking his nose in where it doesn't belong! Any more of it and I'm going to have to say something... along the lines of "how the hell do you think we coped before you came here, Bob the fucking Builder?"

I wouldn't mind if the work I've seen him do was good, but it wasn't, it was half-hearted and unfinished, we are still waiting for him to put all of the screws in a ceiling fan, for instance - from July... he gets so far and "that's good enough" and he stops - so why he feels that the opinion of "Mr Bodge-Up" is more important than my Dad's, who was a fully qualified plumber/multi-tradesman his ENTIRE CAREER, I have absolutely no idea. My Dad is a depressive, not brain-dead, FFS! When my Dad does a job it's done properly, it's done well and I trust him, Pingu put up a ceiling fan so poorly that it wobbles ominously when it goes above the first setting and scares me so much that I won't turn it past that, if I turn it on at all (I'd rather be hot than have it fall on me!!)

And to top it all off, Mum now cannot find her bank card so has had to cancel it! The card that is tied to the account with all of our money in it! She also has a tax rebate check to pay in there so this is just turning out to be a very bad day! The Gods help Pingu and Sissy if they start complaining today... I know Sissy will be in a bad mood as she started her new temp xmas job in HMV today... the HMV that is an hour's travelling from here... on a bus, in the cold (Pingu was the one that convinced her to take it... purely for the money, everything he does is based on money... you don't need happiness in a job, according to him if the money is good enough... the man is an ignoramus!! *sigh*)

When will the pain stop?

I now have a new, and vastly more intense pain in my arm, where it meets my shoulder near my armpit... when I lean forwards too far I get a feeling like I'm being stabbed (not that I've ever been stabbed, I'm guessing about that one).

Instead of the steady, deep burning in the rest of my arm, the new pain is sharp, intense and takes my breath away (and also gets me sort of jumping to attention as standing straight is the only way to stop it, though there is a shadow of pain always lingering there!)

I just don't know what to do. I loathe the prospect of going back to our useless doctor, but I don't think I'm going to have much choice if this doesn't ease soon!

So, I go to the doctors about my arm...

... and what a waste of time it was.

I was given diclofenac and told that I have a trapped tendon in my wrist and also the beginnings of a frozen shoulder! No mention of the arthritis in my wrist (which I know I have... the feeling of burning needles under the skin is enough to tell it's not normal pain... and it only seems to flare up when it's wet and/or cold - that's classic arthritis).

Plus when I get there I didn't have anywhere to sit (as usual) because all of the chairs in the place have arms. Surely I'm not the only one that cannot fit in their tiny chairs... what about heavily pregnant women? Or the elderly that have hip problems? Madness! I complained about it to the doctor (I wonder if he'll do anything about it? Probably not!!) Not only that, but it was so hot in the surgery that I was sweating after only being in there for 30 seconds - not good seeing as I in there for about 25 minutes in the end. It was like being trapped in a canary yellow, airless, windowless greenhouse. it was so oppressive I could hardly bear it. Leaving was like being freed from some kind of confinement! Never has fresh air smelled so sweet as it did this morning after exiting the doctors, lol!

He didn't do anything apart from make my arm sore (by pulling it about too much) and give me pills... pills that all of the people I know that have had them reckon are crap and don't work  *sigh* Plus, they are pills we already had in the house so I wasted over £7 on a prescription for stuff we already had here (same dosage and everything!)

My arm hurt so badly that I was in bed by 4pm... I just couldn't think of anything else to do, it hurt so very much. It feels like the whole right side of my body above the waist is stiff and any attempt to move it  just leaves me in agony. Just typing this I have a sensation of red-hot needles being pushed into my flesh from the wrist to halfway to my elbow (and I have to keep stopping and having a rest, I've been typing this for over an hour now!)

My biggest problem is not being able to hold a pen properly with my right hand, so I'm having to use my left... and I'm not left handed! My writing still looks like it was done by a kid of about 7... and I'm getting completely frustrated with the seemingly slow progress that I'm making... it never seems to get any better!!

I just wish this would go away, back to where it came from and not come back... the arthritis I can handle, as I've had that for about 10 years now, but my not being able to move my arm and shoulder is really getting on my nerves (literally as well as figuratively!!). I just feel so useless regarding work (or rather the lack of stuff that I can't do anymore) and my arm feels so heavy all the time - that and the dull ache that is always there is stopping me sleeping at night as I just can't get comfy and don't know where to put it to get some relief. Broken or sleepless nights are not good for putting me a good mood! They are my kryptonite, in fact  *sigh*

I need someone to hit me in the head with a mallet at night... then the arm pain wouldn't be problem (just the concussion, lol!)

What a bloody cheek!

And the day had so much promise before I went to bed last night, LOL! I had planned to do so many things... I was going to get out in the garden and now the weather looks as if it's going to pour with rain... and I am a total fair weather gardener (bad, I know).

I've also been put into a pissed mood by the delivery of the post this morning. We received an invitation to a wedding reception from my cousin... well, Mum and Dad did, I wasn't even mentioned, so I presume my presence is surplus to requirements, then!! I'm only the one that would have to drive them there, and I then, what? turn around and come home again?! Plus we aren't even worthy to attend the actual ceremony, just the party afterwards! So we can't actually go the bit that matters, but we can go the part that means we have to take a gift! Bloody cheek... they basically want our money in the form of a present then, not for us to actually see them get married. Fuck off!!

This is why I like not having a close knit family... most of them are total bastards that don't give a shit! This invite from the cousin that I haven't seen since the death of our grandfather about 14 years ago. I seriously could have walked past him in the street and I wouldn't have known it, I can't even remember what he looks like anymore. He knows where we have been for all of these years, we haven't moved, unlike him who has been all over the country and then was in India for I don't know how long. I would have preferred to have got no invite at all instead of the one for the reception. Whatever, but then I'm not invited anyway, am I? It's addressed to Mum and Dad only, my name is nowhere to be seen!

It's also on the same day as the final part of the first aid course I have to do, and I'm sorry, but the first aid is vastly more important to me than attending the wedding of a virtual stranger, so I wouldn't be going even if I had been invited! He can take his invitation, roll it up into a tight tube and then shove it up his arse as high as he can get it!! That is what I think about his "reception only" offer! See how he sits at the top table with that little lot blocking his rectum! LOL!

Dad has said that sadly he's not going to be able to go, as his leg is going to be hurting and stop him from walking that day... such a shame  **laughs like a manic**

To top off the day being crap before it even started, I woke up with my arm hurting as much as ever, and now I have to work with our 16 year old autistic guy at 3pm until he's collected (whenever that maybe) tonight (I love him dearly, and am looking forward to seeing him, don't get me wrong, but I'd planned to not be working until Monday... and I always get a bit fed up when I have to change my plans at the last minute  **grumpypants**)

It's pouring with rain here... and more ramblings.

... and I'm sure I just heard a low rumble of thunder somewhere close by.

I so love the rain... the sound always calms me right down and makes me sleepy.


I now have another topic that I cannot raise around Sissy... abortion (to add to religion of any kind, her parents, asylum seekers, etc). I believe that is the woman's right to choose (even if it disagrees with the fathers choice) as it's her body... she disagrees as the potential baby is only 50% hers. I can see her point, but I still feel the woman should get to decide. I also don't think life beginning at conception, either... if the foetus couldn't survive outside the womb, then to me it's not yet a baby. Fairly controversial thinking maybe, but it's how I see it.

I was told off for using generalisations in my replies... apparently it's wrong to use them in a general conversation **sigh**

I wonder why I let myself get so wound up over things that are never going to affect me personally? I'm never having kids, so abortion is a non-issue for me. Other people's choices are their business and it's nothing to do with me, in any way... but I got so heated that my face flushed bright red (a bad sign, as it means I'm getting either angry or my latent anxiety is close to breaking forth!)

Sissy was hammering on and on, and eventually her voice just really started to grate on my ears, not to mention my nerves... she was getting more and more shrill with each word she said. I could feel myself start to "zone out" again - just like last time, and I was glad when the topic changed to something else and I was able to be quiet and not participate in the conversation anymore.

I don't know... I just find myself to be in a state of such mental confusion lately. Some of the things I've always believed seem to be sloughing away, yet I still try and keep hold of them, vice-like, as I am loathe to just let them go. Surely it's a bad thing to do? I wish I knew.

Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


I'm in total shock... but for two of the critieria on the list at the link I have every single other one!!

• Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
• Self-imposed social isolation
• Extreme shyness or social anxiety in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships^[3]
• Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
• Avoids interpersonal relationships
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Severe low self-esteem
• Self-loathing
• Mistrust of others
• Emotional distancing related to intimacy
• Highly self-conscious
• Self-critical about their problems relating to others
• Problems in occupational functioning
• Lonely self-perception
• Feeling inferior to others
• In some more extreme cases-- Agoraphobia
• Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts^[4]
• Susceptibility to substance abuse as a way of escapism.

Apart from the agoraphobia and the substance abuse I have all of the rest!! I never realised it before, but it's true.

I feel such a let-down to my family...

That is such a beautiful noise...

... the sound of rain hammering down on the gazebo roof just under my bedroom window... doesn't make me feel any less crappy, but it's a lovely sound all the same! Hehe. So glad I didn't water the garden earlier, not that I had the energy to do it, but the thought was there. You can't beat a good drop of rain.

This cold is really starting to make me feel like the grumpiest person on the planet now... all I hear myself saying is how nasty I feel. I must stop it, I'm starting to annoy myself now. The thing that is annoying me the most is the sneezing... not little ones either, but huge, hurt your chest, have you wetting yourself and making you feel as if you're going to blow the top of your head off ones... the ones that give you an instant headache *sigh*

The arm on my glasses broke off earlier today! Filled me with terror that did, my eyesight is putting it bluntly, utter shit and without my glasses I can barely see anything (to give an example, take a piece of glass, smear it with vaseline and try and look through it... that is how bad my eyesight is without glasses!). I only have the one pair of specs and I cannot afford to get any new ones just right now. Fortunately Mum dashed to our corner shop and brought a tube of the strongest super glue they had, and it seems to have persuaded the little piece of metal holding the arm in place to stay put... for now. I have to be very careful with my glasses now, and the left arm is fused in place, but I can see and I didn't have to resort to the old "sticking plaster repair", so it's all good, lol! I really have to get some new glasses soon, though, especially as I don't know just how long the repair will last... I suppose I shouldn't really complain, I have had this pair of glasses for going on eight years! LOL.

Who was the bright spark that thought it would be a good idea to put onions into salmon paste?! I can assure them that if I ever find out who it was I shall do them a grave injury!

Anyway, I suppose I really should try and get some sleep... last night was a disaster, sleep-wise... I went to bed at 9.40 pm, I was woken up every hour by noisy people (Sissy and Pingu) going to the bloody toilet (which is next to my bedroom) and then the noisy cow next door starting doing something in her kitchen (which shares a wall with my bedroom) which woke me up completely at 1.07am, and she kept my awake until gone 4am! If it keeps on I'm going to have words with her, selfish cow, I can't handle the double onslaught of noise! I can handle either noise here or in there, but not both at once. I have been forced to listen to my MP3 player, just to try and block it all out... don't get me wrong, I adore Siouxsie and the Banshees (the album that is currently the first one that plays when I turn it on), but sometimes all I want is peace and quiet!! Is that too much to ask for in the early hours of the morning?!?!

I've just had a damn fly buzz me in the right ear!! Freaked me the hell out and now I'm not going to be able to sleep until it's either gone away or dead... bring on the Raid!

All told this has been a day that I am going to try and quickly forget... it sucked... BIG TIME!!

I feel dreadful...

... my throat is burning, my nose is blocked and also running (make up your mind!), my body aches and I've had four hours sleep since I woke up on Wednesday! All I've felt like doing is read, but with the house looking like a rubbish tip I've had no choice but to do as much as I can.

I just wish my throat would stop hurting... it makes breathing painful, and for some reason lately whenever I catch something it always goes straight to my throat and voice box and I end up either losing my voice completely or else I end up with a voice so husky and gravelly that I sound like Barry White!!

Bugger Pingu for bringing his rotten germs into the house and infecting us all... all five of us have something wrong with us because of all of the coughing and sneezing that he did earlier in the week... you'd think that tissues had never been invented the way he was carrying on... not even putting his hand over his mouth - just coughing and covering as much airspace around him (and also anyone in it) as possible... splendid!

I wonder if I'm developing insomnia? I seem to have real trouble getting to sleep lately. I have nothing important on my mind... no imminent threats of any kind regarding money or other stuff... to be frank I couldn't give a toss about that kind of thing these days, all of my past worrying got me nowhere so why bother? The only thing that sets me off is if we have trouble with our mortgage... I can handle everything except the thought of being homeless, lol!

Maybe it's having two other people in the house... and two very noisy ones at that! Housework seems never ending with them here now... no sooner has the washing up been done than there are plates and cups back in the sink **sigh** and don't even get me started on the laundry! In the past three days the poor washing machine has had to cope with six loads of washing... and we have a very large capacity drum on our machine, too. I wouldn't mind so much, but they are 19 and 24 years old, so they are not babies, but apart from making mess they always seem to conveniently disappear when it's time to clear it up!

**Deep sigh** I suppose I am just in a bit of a grumpy mood, what with feeling crap and also the lack of sleep... I just feel sort of - overwhelmed, somehow... and I get the distinct impression sometimes that this house is not my own anymore... I can't really put my finger on it... I just really miss the quiet and can't get used to the seemingly constant smell of garlic that is pervading the house from all of the curries and junk food that they both eat! (one good thing about having a blocked nose is that I am spared having to endure the offensive whiff... or maybe my cutting all alliums from my diet, which includes both onions and garlic, makes me more sensitive to their odour?)

I'm going to shut up moaning now and see about trying to get some sleep... I think I am going to be needed in my capacity as chauffeur later today... and I don't like driving tired... I find falling asleep at the wheel not conducive to living a long and mediocre life (I would say happy life, but just lately I don't feel very happy! hehe).

Why do bunged up noses always seem to get worse at night? Just when you need to be able to breathe properly you suddenly can't!!

Think I'll pull the curtains back and stare at the beautiful half moon I can see until I fall asleep...

My bedroom now looks like a bomb site!

Sissy asked if she could move her bed, and that means that I've had to move a huge metal bookcase, full of my books into my room. I have the smallest bedroom in the house, and now it's full of books and there is barely room to move.

It really upset me earlier when I went and had a look at her room... she has enough room to dance in and I now have so little room that I have to crawl over my bed in order to open my bedroom window! (as I can no longer stand in front of it as there are books piled up all over the floor).

There are also books on the floor outside my bedroom door... and I have no idea where I am going to put them... I'm thinking I'm going to have to get rid of some of them, which is something I hate doing... I hate giving up my books, they are so expensive these days, and they have cost me a lot of money in the past. I also don't see why I should have to - especially when Sissy agreed to them staying in her room when we let her have it!!

I was so angry about it earlier that I cried... it just made me feel that my stuff is of lesser importance than theirs... and I should just get my shit out of their room! It made me feel like an outcast in my own home.

Lugging all of the heavy hardbacks has given me a killer backache and also made my bad arm flare up again, to such an extent that I cannot lift the books any more today... not helpful when you're trying to get them put away **sigh**

I feel dreadful

Something I ate last night did not agree with me in any way... I can't think what it could be, though! I've eaten nothing that I haven't had before (with no problems)... the only thing I ate that is not on my "normal" diet (more of a treat when we can afford it) was three huge organic Portobello mushrooms filled with cheese - and I made them myself (not shop bought filled mushrooms)... I just don't understand how I feel exactly how I would feel had I eaten onions, only I have not had any onions! The last time I felt this bad was last Tuesday when I had a shop-made pasta sauce (that contained onions).

I'm just so confused about my stupid stomach now... is it onions? Is it mushrooms? Is it wheat? Is it yeast? Is it lactose? Who the hell knows? Because I sure as hell don't **sigh** I seem to have reacted against all of them in the past!!

I'm also so tired and listless that it's even a huge effort to type this! Maybe the antihistamine I took earlier is the reason... knowing my luck lately I'm in the tiny percent that suffer from bad reactions (non-drowsy, my arse!)... nothing would surprise me anymore, lol! Out of my entire family, I'm the one that is allergic to the 20th century "wonder drug", Penicillin, so there you go... I always have been the awkward one.

It's a beautiful day here and apart from watering some of my potted plants in the garden I came straight back indoors, I couldn't stay out there. It was so bright and I could see so many jobs that needed doing that I turned my back in hope that the "garden elves" will help me out (little buggers never have in the past, but I live in hope, hehe).

I hate this lethargy that I seem to have all the time lately, really stops me from doing so many things that I used to do... I was planning to go to the woods today, get back to nature and take some photos, but I just can't seem to muster the energy to do it **sigh** They are only a ten minute drive away, too, and somewhere, deep in my psyche, I can feel them calling to me and I can't ignore it for much longer as the feeling is getting stronger by the day! I really should take advantage of my current unemployment to get out there and heed the call I keep getting... hopefully tomorrow will be better (at least my stomach problems should be gone by then, anyway).

I feel very strange...

... I think I'm coming down with something, and I don't like it. My throat feels sort of scratchy and I always feel as if there is something stuck in my throat and I can't get rid of it. I also feel a bit achey, but I don't know if that's because I'm ill or because I moved a wardrobe yesterday.

I just don't feel 100%... I think I might have an early-ish night tonight and see if that helps.

Sometimes, Sissy drives me insane!! She was meant to not be going back to Brighton for about a month (she sorted it all out earlier this week, even getting an extension on her essay), but now she is going back tomorrow as her friend reminded her that they have tickets for some kind of show... so now she is going back tomorrow, staying tomorrow night/Thursday and then coming back early on Friday. So it looks like I'll be taking her tomorrow (no word on where the money for the diesel is coming from!!) and I'm not sure about Friday, but I know I cannot get her as I'm working (emergency babysitting).

I just wish she could make a decision and bloody stick to it! I love her dearly, but I have no desire to keep going backwards and forwards to Brighton all the damn time... the drive tires me intensely (and she always seems to go back in the dark, which I hate driving in as most of the journey is on motorways without lights and I always seem to get lost on the way back **sigh**)... that and she never thinks to pay for the fuel, and I can't keep affording the £15 per journey it takes to get her there and then get home again!

My itchy scalp is driving me MAD!!!!

I've suffered with dermatitis on my scalp for years. I don't get it very often, but when I do it makes my life an itchy hell. My scalp from the crown to my hairline on the back of my head starts itching, then it makes itchy lumps (which I then scratch) and then it burns! That is normally how it is... today though, for some reason my whole head is one huge itch... it really is driving me insane and for some reason my whole body seems to feel itchy, too! This is what I have (though not as extreme as the top picture!) - Seborrhoeic Dermatitis

I have done nothing out of the ordinary, eaten nothing unusual, not changed washing powder/fabric softener or shampoo/conditioner (the ones I use do vary, but they are all brands I've used before without problems). I'm also not under any undue stress or strain (well, not that I can think of anyway), so why it's suddenly come on today I have no idea.

What usually happens is that my head gets hot (it is worse the longer my hair is) and I have to cut my hair off to about an inch from my scalp and then it eases and disappears. Maybe it has something to do with the air getting to my scalp, of maybe having longer hair just makes my head too hot. My hair gets greasy very quickly, and I have to wash my hair every day or it looks a total mess... and the longer it gets the more of a hassle everyday washing is (and sometimes if I put my hair up whilst it's still wet it doesn't even really have a chance to dry out before it needs washing again... drives me nuts!) - so I try and leave it longer, but I'm wondering if that it worse as the grease from my scalp just sits there and is probably making things worse.

One of the few things that always seemed to stop the itching was to colour my hair (permanent colour, something to do with the peroxide), but I only did that less than two weeks ago, plus I haven't been paid yet, so have no money for the dye.

The only thing I've done that I wouldn't normally do was get caught out in the rain yesterday. I was coming home from a school run and got caught with no hood or umbrella, and my head got soaked. In the past getting rain on my hair just made it greasy (I have no idea why) but I'm wondering if something in the rain water could have reacted badly to my scalp chemistry (or something like that?!). It's all I can think of.

I feel an extreme haircut coming on... if nothing else it will solve the problem of getting rid of the black hair and getting my natural colour back... I am loathe to do it, though, as I really hate having super-short hair, and I just know that everyone will laugh at me for it **sigh**

I could cry right about now, I really could, out of total frustration!

We are getting the new car...

... I have to go and collect it next Wednesday between 10.30 and 11am!!

I should be excited, but I just can't be... it seems too good to be true, and until I actually have the keys in my hand and drive the car away it won't actually sink in. So many times in the past I've got all excited about things, only for them to never happen, so I think it's best if I let the inner pessimist loose (just this once) and not get my hopes up.

We also had the MedEquip people round this morning, delivering some of the things that the occupational health visitor suggested Dad might need... some of the things are dumb, like the seat for sitting in the bath that sits on the top of the bath meaning that nothing but your feet are in the water, or that if you're having a shower because there is no way to get the shower curtain under the thing, that the water will just pour down the shower curtain and the outside of the bath and make the floor all wet! The only good about it is that if you were having a shower it would give you a place to sit down if you needed to, but my Dad has the shortest showers, ever... he considers anything over five minutes as long, so I can't see the point of it! They are coming back tomorrow to put leg extenders on the chairs in the back room (so that it's easier for him to get up out of the chairs), but then again he rarely sits in there anymore, so again I can't really see the point... and if they are not able to take my weight that means that I can't sit in them (which is stupid as I sit in them more than he does!). They gave him a grabbing thing for picking stuff up, which is rubbish as my Nana had one, and we sent it back, but the one thing that he does need (**TMI ALERT** something to help him clean himself after he has a poo, as he cannot reach anymore and it's a real struggle for him), they know nothing about! So much for that, then **sigh**

I feel quite strange today... sort of unsettled about something, I can't really put my finger on it... there is just something not quite right. Maybe it's because I got up late and I feel all off kilter, time wise. I'm used to getting up and going for a walk in the morning, but this morning as it was so cold (and the cold air really affects my seasonal asthma and makes me cough and feel as if I have something constricting my chest) Mum let me stay in bed. I wish that I'd got up now, my back is killing me and I think I was having a weird dream, but I can't remember it. This head cold has also brought back the low pitched humming in my right ear, which is really annoying... even when there is silence I still have the humming, in fact the quieter it is, the louder the humming seems to get!

Even the grey of the sky is starting to piss me off... I can honestly say that I can't wait for spring this year. Even for just a day of sunshine or failing that just a hint of blue sky... it would make all the difference. Everything just seems so dismal and boring... there doesn't seem to be any life to see anywhere, when all is so ashen and bare. Everything seems so dark and depressing. I can see why people get depressed in winter or suffer from SAD, I'm just fed up with it now, I can't imagine what it must be like to be actually deeply affected by it for months on end. Anyone that is has by complete sympathy!

SHIT!!!

Think my car is going wrong... again!! There is still clouds of white smoke belching out of the back whenever I drive it! It can be so bad that I can't see the road behind me (and it must be like driving in fog for those poor unfortunates behind me, and for all of the pedestrians on the pavement!) I'm surprised that I've not been stopped by the police, and I don't think I want to carry on driving it at the moment... it's so embarrassing (not to mention dreadful for the environment **sigh**). I'm seriously thinking about getting the kids on the bus, the only problem being that the buses are not coming down my road at the moment (the bottom of the road is closed, without any warning, I might add!)

I must admit that ever since I've been driving people have taken advantage of the fact that I can! We only used to go to local schools before I drove, but as soon as I passed people started to just assume they could send their kids to any school as I could go and get them in the car (even though they didn't want to pay me for going and getting them, diesel etc)

We are going to call the mechanic that my uncle recommended to us (the guy that came round last time) and see if he can find the problem... it's been said to be everything from too much oil to the piston rings wearing out (which would be as expensive as buying a new engine, which would mean getting rid of the car!)

Add to that the fact that I have a cold that is getting worse by the day (got a sore throat now and I keep losing my voice... thank the gods for Lockets, LOL!), and the kids are playing up something chronic (if I never hear the name Ben again it will be too soon!!) Also one of the Mum's came in tonight and said that her work are messing her about with her shifts (she's a Community Support Officer with the Police), and they are giving her stupid shifts like 4pm-Midnight and 2pm-10pm... she is a single Mum of three and cannot do those kinds of hours all the time as she's expected to do! Part of me is happy at the thought of Kyah going (she winds the others up and is also a compulsive liar, though she can be funny), but another part of me would miss the money, although we would find a way to live without it.

Am now watching the news... I need to see stories about people that are far worse than I am (I need to gain some perspective right about now!!)

I feel really fed-up!

Ever had one of those days where you feel really fed-up for no reason you can think of? That's how I feel today. I have zero patience for stupid things and all I want to do is to be left alone! Not possible when you work with kids and they are still here   **sigh**

I've felt sort of weird for a while now, and it's nothing that I can put my finger on. I just feel sort of, blah, like everything is too much trouble and all I want to do is eat nice things and watch Last of the Summer Wine. I don't really feel like posting in forums, in fact I've just resigned from the big one I'm staff at today, I just can't be bothered with it anymore. Whether it's the "**had Bonfire Night, long time til Christmas type feeling**" I have no idea... I just seem to have zero tolerance for idiocy and people being dumb (bad news in this house, as my Dad has a passion for really winding me up by playing both parts extraordinarily well!!  *sigh*)

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to hibernate... it would be so very helpful right about now!


On a good note, though, Josh is out of the hospital and on his way up here as I write... I'm so glad that he is feeling better... not 100% well, but definitely on the mend :)... can't wait to give him a hug when he gets here. He's here!!!!!


{edited to add} Josh has lost a stone in weight (12 pounds) in nine days!! No wonder he looks so thin and gaunt... he was built like a bean pole before all of this!



**as said by Bren from dinnerladies**