For ages now I've felt as if my connection to Selene has been broken. I just don't feel as if there is anything there between us anymore. When I think of how excited and happy I was when I first realised I'd finally found a "patron" after years of searching it makes me a little sad, if I'm honest, to think that the link between us is gone.
But on the flip side I'm not bereft enough to fight for something I'm sure isn't really for me anymore. A large part of me thinks I've moved forward and Selene was there for as long as I needed her. Another part of me wonders in the role of gods and I feel quite agnostic about them as a whole at present. It's a fairly confusing and contradictory set of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my tired (and illness/cold/flu riddled) brain at present. The contradiction is this... I do believe that gods exist, I just don't really want a relationship with them anymore. I will always have a soft spot for Selene, she was the only goddess that ever made herself known to me personally (or maybe I convinced myself she did... that is open for debate lol) and I'll always be grateful to her for arriving at a point in my life when I was seriously questioning my being pagan at all. I was ready to give up completely and suddenly Selene appeared and made me feel that I was on the right track, and that regardless of what other "better pagans" thought about me and the way I practised my "craft" that I was pagan enough and had nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in my pagan life. I will always be grateful for that and the strength I gained.
Now though, I don't feel as if I need her and I also don't feel as if she needs me. It feels like a mutual parting of the ways. I feel as if I have gained all I needed to from our relationship and she is telling me that I'm strong enough now to go my own way. Like a mother that helps her child to learn to walk and then lets them discover the world for themselves. I hope that makes sense. I know it sounds fairly non-sensical and confusing, but I can't seem to explain it better.
I seem to feel quite apathetic most of the time and ritual has never been very high on my list of "essentials" so attempting to plan elaborate sabbats was never me... and I dont recall ever marking an esbat in my life! Apart from the odd pagan bits and bobs in jewellery and the cauldron I have, people would have a hard time telling that I'm a pagan at all by looking at me. I've gone past the "dripping with pentagrams" stage that most newbies go through. It feels more natural to wear my more goth themed items than it does the pagan ones these days.
Anyway, I digress.
Simple paganism for me is basically the stripping down of all the stuff and nonsense that I've spent the last dozen or so years trying my hardest to do! No overly planned rituals, no ritual clothing, no ritual items like athames or wands, no casting circles, no incense and no invoking gods or elements. I fact sometimes I don't say anything at all and just light a candle and think about what I want it to symbolise or who to help or "insert occasion here."
Bottom line is, I'm finished with that which I can't prove for myself to be 100% true or that I feel I don't need anymore (like gods). I've become more nature based in my ways. Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I can see and feel them, I can prove them to be real and I interact with them everyday of my life. Spirit is more difficult for me to comes to terms with, but I see that as akin to the energy in all things or like the soul. Granted I cannot prove that it exists but I cannot prove it doesn't either... so I choose to believe it does as it makes sense to me. If I can understand it and it makes sense to me then I have no problem with it.
I suppose my craft life, such as it is, could be described as "pagan-lite" ... simple yet meaningful to me, if no one else - and something which enriches me and doesn't feel like a chore or a burden. I guess that is all that matters really :0)
