Sissy is back...

... and already we've run out of tuna and are almost out of loo roll - she's been back two days!! LOL! She's now out trying to join our local Blockbuster as she and Pingu want to watch Sherlock Holmes (and heaven forbid that they should WAIT!!)

She's also looking into finishing her degree up here, and leaving Brighton... she's sick of it down there, and she's also sick of the girls she's living with - all they seem to do is argue and her uni work is suffering as a result (what's the point of doing all this if she doesn't get the degree that she's hoping for because the stress of being in a place she hates, with people she hates stops her from reaching that goal?)

The only problem with her being back home is that the noise increases, Pingu would probably move in here to be with her (the plus side being they would pay rent, they've already agreed to doing that)... and my craft life would have to become more secretive - Sissy is very scornful of all things religious and I wouldn't want to be caught doing things that I would have to explain to people that wouldn't (or don't want to try to) understand.

It wouldn't be until the end of June, though, as that is when Sissy has to leave her current address and come back here (at least for the summer holidays, even if she then has to find somewhere else down there if she can't switch courses to up here).

It's a beautiful day here... a bit too beautiful for my liking, LOL! The sun is too bright, the temperature is too hot and I spent the morning stuck in my local branch of M&S with my Dad and 87 year old Nana (she was buying new bras and the lingerie department was so hot I thought I was going to pass out!! I managed to get a leaflet and use it as a fan, and it really helped)... that was after we had to go to the council offices to see about someone coming to fix her hot water, which has been off for three days - the earliest it can be sorted is Monday morning - oops!

Anyway... I suppose that wearing head to toe black on the hottest and sunniest day of the year, was a mistake... but being goth I really have no other colour of clothes that are comfortable (it's not about being cool, it about being me!)... so black it is, and I shall just have to suffer, hehe. I must remember to carry a small hand-held fan and a drink in future, maybe a parasol of some sort (if I can find one) - at least it would stop me feeling so hot!

I'm really tired now... the sun always makes me sleepy (not that it needed much, I was tired before I even started! Hahaha)

How rude!!

Hmm... well that was an "interesting" trip to my corner shop.

Went to buy some rice (can't have sweet and sour chicken and rice without the rice, lol) and I was minding my own business talking to my Mum (who came too) when three boys were rude to me! Nothing new there, really, well not for me... but I did wonder just what it was about my appearance that garnered the response that I got ("oh... my... GOD!" and then lots of sniggering and laughter).

I was very tempted to go up to them and ask why they laughed, but our dinner was ready and just awaiting the rice, so I ignored them and walked back home.

I don't think that I looked bad... I'm wearing a long black skirt, black long-sleeved t-shirt, black boots and leg-warmers, and I also had on a long black trench coat and some arm warmers that really couldn't be seen. I was also carrying a black basket (for carrying the rice and other sundries home from the shop). No make up barring nail polish.

I can only assume that it was my size... people seem to think that just because I'm fat that they have the right to say whatever they like to me, regardless of how rude or nasty it may seem.

I was kind of hurt when I heard them, but after a minute or two my piqued interest overrode my hurt feelings and I'm really regretting not going and asking just what they found so funny **sigh**

Oh well, maybe it's for the best... still mightily intrigued, though!

YAY.. an unexpected day off!

So brilliant, I have to go nowhere today (even though I am dressed to go out now, which is typical, LOL!!) The only thing I wish is that I could have more than 15 minutes notice... if I'd have known that I had a day off I could have done so much earlier on (cleaned, gone shopping, stayed in bed, whatever I wanted)... anyway, at least the house will not sound like a lunatic asylum this afternoon (seriously, working with kids the house is sometimes utter bedlam LOL!)



I must admit to starting to feel excited about the approach of Samhain (or Hallow'een to the none pagans).

It is my absolute favourite pagan festival and I also adore it for the goth aspect, too... most of the shops are decorated to my tastes and I don't get stared at when I go out, LOL! Plus I get to stock up on the "essentials" for the coming year, which consists of Hallow'een jewellery, gloves, tights, nail polish, toys, sweets, stickers, badges, brooches, beads, hair accessories, home decor and in some cases even music as a lot of my kind of music seems to get made into Hallow'een party compilation cds! LOL!! Even the horror movies I like are on sale, so I even get to refresh my dvd collection for a fraction of the price as well... WOOHOO!!! **does the happy dance**

Finally re-dyed my hair

I got Mum to do it today (my unwilling helper, LOL!) It looks so much better then before... it didn't seem black enough the first time, and it developed an annoying red tinge to it after a while, and I really didn't like that! Fingers crossed that this brand does as it says and doesn't fade (the colour is supposed to be "waterproofed" so it should be ok). Just as long as it stays relatively black and doesn't go reddish, I'll be a happy camper.

As the temperature is dropping I seem to be getting happier! I always seem to as it means that I can wear the clothes I like and not sweat my arse off the whole time. This summer was quite kind to me... very few really hot days, and the ones that were occured on days when I could stay indoors, hahaha... which is great. I still, somehow, managed to get a tan on my arms, but hopefully it will fade in time.

Have found some more music to hopefully invest in soon, lol... Type O Negative, for starters... I've been listening to some of their songs, and I really like them (thanks Wolfmammy for pointing me in their direction).

**wanders off to have a look and see what she can see at amazon**

Their best of album is downloading from amazon as I type (the one that the band released and not the one that their record label did without their consent! The Least Worst of...) Will have to burn a couple of cd's and blast it out in the car, as well as put it onto my mp3... Minty is happy (and very glad of the early payday that I forgot all about, hehe!). I also got the Dracula sequel written by Dacre Stoker, Dracula: The Undead... I do hope that it lives up to its predecessor (not going to be happy if Dacre drops the ball there, LOL!!)

Oh My Goth!!

Things are strange...and never static.

Take me for instance...what the hell am I trying to do here?! Am I a "real" Goth? Or am I just deluding myself?

I know that after researching things Goth that I am 90% comfortable with classing myself, or rather being classed as, Goth. Sure there are some things that I dislike (the heavy blood themes, the scary aspects that some favour, the fashions and make-up that I consider OTT for everyday wear), but hey, my dress sense isn't the best, and the search for comfortable shoes that I like, that I can afford and that are not leather is proving worse that trying to find the Holy Grail (at least there are clues that the Grail exists, lol).

My size and age are other factors, too. To suddenly decide that you want to start identifying as Goth at the age of 32 (and with a dress size to match your age) is tricky, to say the least, and without my wonderful Nana making me a few skirts before she gave up dressmaking (about ten years before she died) I would have been virtually stopped in my tracks. It seems the only place that makes clothes in my size is one online store in America...thankfully the clothes are good quality and also affordable, so it's not too bad, but even so, it seems that if you're over a dress size 16 that you are too fat for 99% of all of the Goth type clothes out there, and that is just bonkers!!!

I'm fully aware that there is more to being Goth then just dressing in black, having black hair and being weird. There is also the music, the literature, the perspective changes. But it really hasn't been all that hard a change...the only things that I have had to buy have been black dye (for both hair and clothes), some music, some make-up and some accessories (the hardest of which is shoes or boots, most are either too expensive, leather or have not a chance of fitting my fat legs, lol). If I hadn't chosen to become a vegetarian, the shoes would have been an easy choice, too...plenty of black boots and shoes out there (things like DM's, for instance) but they are all made of leather and I'd rather not buy them, to be honest. The ones I have managed to track down cost from £72 and upwards and I can't even try them on until they arrive, and if the size is wrong I'll then cop for the p+p to send them back again...such a palaver **sigh** I think that I'm just going to have to take the plunge and order a pair of the cheaper ones and see how I go. I feel that all that I'm really missing for my outfits to feel "just right" is a decent pair of gothy-type shoes!

Still no news on the job front...

...though gladly some benefits have come through, so things are not nearly as dire as they have been in the past.

The house is safe...Dad is recovering from his eye op's well (though still being a total fool in seeming to be unable to accept that he's no spring chicken anymore) and all is calm in general, really (which helps me to sleep at night).


There are a few small problems (aren't there always, lol)...my car makes a scary noise when I turn the steering wheel too far in either direction (may have to get it looked at soon, though not sure how I'd pay for any repairs), the little puppy that we had clashed so violently with the cats that we were forced to return him to his original owners (who gave him to a nice lady, so not feeling too guilty about that one...the cats have also settled back down, which is great) and I have bad pain in the achilles tendon area of my left ankle which can give me terrible gyp sometimes (but there's nothing that I can do about it, so I just have to get on with it as best I can).


Faith-wise I'm still living in a semi-permanent state of confusion. Sometimes I feel 100% Pagan and then in the next five minutes I don't. It's the weirdest thing...When I was a Christian I missed being Pagan and when I'm Pagan I sort of miss being Christian (although the thought of trying to combine the two leaves me cold, so that's a no-no!).

Also the whole Goth thing is making me feel weird, too. I would love to be "proper" Goth, but it's impossible. Being fat means that none of the nice clothes come anywhere near fitting me, all of the nice shoes are leather (not good for a vegetarian) and the veggie alternatives are way, way out of my price range, as are all of the accessories that I like. I get the feeling that wherever I go people take one look at me and label me as "tragic" for trying to fit into a mould that was never made for someone my size or age (I should be a teenager or in my early 20s to be starting out with the whole Goth thing, seems to be the general feeling, I finding **sigh**).
I don't know...maybe I'm trying too hard...maybe I'm not trying hard enough...I just don't know anymore!


That's about all, I think.