Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

Is it wrong to grieve over a car?

The answer to that is obviously yes... why then, am I still doing it?!

Mum and Dad are currently outside talking to a man ** that will hopefully give us some money for the old car and then take it away... I am crying my eyes out at the prospect of this happening. I love that car.

Nobody seems to want to give us a decent amount of money for it, either. We currently have quotes for between £80 and £150... for a car that has numerous new parts on it (well over £400 of new parts in the last six months!) We are probably going to have to go with the offer for £150... it's my uncles' friend and at least we know and trust the guy. Just the thought of my car going through the scrapper makes me upset, though... why do I feel like that?!?!?! It's... a... CAR! Not a human being, not an animal, a car... what is wrong with me?

Granted, it was my first car and there are so many memories attached to it (both good and bad), but even so, when all is said and done (and however much personality I, for whatever reason, have attached to it) it's still just a car **sigh**

Why can I not seem to let things go? I hate having to lose/give away my possessions... unless I know they are going to a good home that will take care of my things the same way I would myself - then I seem to be ok with letting things go.

I don't know... I guess it's something that I'm just going to have to get over... and the sooner I do it, the better I will be in the future (I suppose).

** The guy that came to see about the car just now was totally rude and after offering £100 was told to get lost! He even came with a tow truck (talk about presumptuous!) When he was told no, he even walked away leaving the engine running! What a total arsehole!!!

We are getting the new car...

... I have to go and collect it next Wednesday between 10.30 and 11am!!

I should be excited, but I just can't be... it seems too good to be true, and until I actually have the keys in my hand and drive the car away it won't actually sink in. So many times in the past I've got all excited about things, only for them to never happen, so I think it's best if I let the inner pessimist loose (just this once) and not get my hopes up.

We also had the MedEquip people round this morning, delivering some of the things that the occupational health visitor suggested Dad might need... some of the things are dumb, like the seat for sitting in the bath that sits on the top of the bath meaning that nothing but your feet are in the water, or that if you're having a shower because there is no way to get the shower curtain under the thing, that the water will just pour down the shower curtain and the outside of the bath and make the floor all wet! The only good about it is that if you were having a shower it would give you a place to sit down if you needed to, but my Dad has the shortest showers, ever... he considers anything over five minutes as long, so I can't see the point of it! They are coming back tomorrow to put leg extenders on the chairs in the back room (so that it's easier for him to get up out of the chairs), but then again he rarely sits in there anymore, so again I can't really see the point... and if they are not able to take my weight that means that I can't sit in them (which is stupid as I sit in them more than he does!). They gave him a grabbing thing for picking stuff up, which is rubbish as my Nana had one, and we sent it back, but the one thing that he does need (**TMI ALERT** something to help him clean himself after he has a poo, as he cannot reach anymore and it's a real struggle for him), they know nothing about! So much for that, then **sigh**

I feel quite strange today... sort of unsettled about something, I can't really put my finger on it... there is just something not quite right. Maybe it's because I got up late and I feel all off kilter, time wise. I'm used to getting up and going for a walk in the morning, but this morning as it was so cold (and the cold air really affects my seasonal asthma and makes me cough and feel as if I have something constricting my chest) Mum let me stay in bed. I wish that I'd got up now, my back is killing me and I think I was having a weird dream, but I can't remember it. This head cold has also brought back the low pitched humming in my right ear, which is really annoying... even when there is silence I still have the humming, in fact the quieter it is, the louder the humming seems to get!

Even the grey of the sky is starting to piss me off... I can honestly say that I can't wait for spring this year. Even for just a day of sunshine or failing that just a hint of blue sky... it would make all the difference. Everything just seems so dismal and boring... there doesn't seem to be any life to see anywhere, when all is so ashen and bare. Everything seems so dark and depressing. I can see why people get depressed in winter or suffer from SAD, I'm just fed up with it now, I can't imagine what it must be like to be actually deeply affected by it for months on end. Anyone that is has by complete sympathy!

Interview re-scheduled for tomorrow (take 2, LOL)

Well... the girl from Friday has still not spoken to us, except for a very strange call this morning where she rang us and then never said anything... so we rang the Mum of the girl with ADHD and she sounded so pleased when we said that we have a space again (fibbing, but there you go) and she is coming to see us about midday tomorrow.

It'll be more walking for Mum (but she's so pissed off at the other woman jiving us about that she doesn't want her in here now anyway) yet as she is going to be the one doing it, I suppose it's decision made, LOL!

I feel better now, whereas before I felt a total bitch... fingers crossed she likes us now after all of this palaver!

Still heard nothing...

... it's just so damn freaky!

My mind has been spinning with all sorts of reasons as to why she never arrived or even phoned to say what the problem is... did she have a accident of some sort? Did she have some other kind of emergency and she had to rush off? Did she think that it was next Friday and not today? Did her current minder agree to change the way she's looking after the baby, so she decided to stay there, after all? Was she not a real parent looking for a place at all, but some sort of plant from OFSTED checking up on their minders?

I just wish that I knew... Mum has contacted her many times, but has got no reply of any kind. I just have no idea what to do now ***stumped***

I suppose the biggest questions is... would we still want to take her after this anyway?

Most strange!

The girl with the baby that was meant to be here at 11am, never turned up! We've never had that happen to us before... we've had people phone and say that they won't be coming, or arrive late, but never not tell us and leave us sat here not knowing what to do with ourselves (do you carry on as normal, go out as you'd planned or wait and see if she does get here after all?). Makes me feel doubly shitty now as we lied to the girl yesterday thinking that this one was coming... maybe this is some kind of divine retribution, who knows?

We even cancelled plans in order to stay in for this girl! Her phone keeps jumping to voicemail, and I'm equally annoyed and worried (in case something happened to the baby, or her... that kind of thing).

It's just so very weird ***sigh***

If we don't hear back, we are thinking of calling the other girl after all, just to see if she's still interested... wrong, I know, but we need another kid in here... and if it has to be the girl with ADHD, then it has to be (it was a toss up between her and the baby, and in this case the baby seemed the easiest option... until now). I shan't be surprised if the mum isn't interested... she's probably already made other plans.

There's a valuable lesson in all of this to be learned... don't count your chickens before they hatch!!