Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

This has been a really shitty evening

First of all my cat jumped out of the front room window when I left the room, he then ran away up the street when I went out to get him. Seriously, I just don't care anymore! He has no collar on or anything and he was out on the main road and ran to a break in the houses and sprinted down the alley into the back gardens... I just hope he stays round the back and didn't double back and cross the road. I hope he gets scared, and when he gets back in the house he can have his uncomfortable collar put back on and get over it!! I can't even worry tonight as I'm too pissed off  >:o(  <--- angry face

One thing I'm certain of, though, once these cats die I am never getting another cat, ever! I just can't be bothered in caring for creatures that give nothing back anymore. If anything I'd rather get a dog, at least they come when you call them.

Then I had this conversation on MSN... I've been talking to the guy for a week and I cannot believe the gall of the man!! (he told me he quit his job as the company were forcing those that wanted to stay to go to Aberdeen and he refused to go, so resigned).


raymond says:
 Yeah...but there is something i did like to ask you pls..

Minty says:
 sure

raymond says:
 I know it seems as if you dont know much about me or something...but i just feel you are nice person and someone i could talk with..though i am shy and have never done this before..
 but..its just the way things are for me at the moment...
 i'd like to ask of your favour to help me out with the amount to renew my badge..
 and i promise to be able to pay you back by the end of next month..cuz i will definitely get a job with it in no time..i already seen an agent whos helping out on that...

Minty says:
 how much are you asking for?

raymond says:
 its just 300quid..
 though its not..but its money..

Minty says:
 I'm afraid I don't have that kind of money to spare, that is our food budget for the entire month... I'm sorry

raymond says:
 well, perhaps you could help with something even if its 200..i will try to empty my account then..cuz i just sent some money to my dad for his health issues..
 i just feel like sht right now..
 really need a lady in my life..at least for now..and for ever..it really takes two to tango sometimes..

Minty says:
 I afraid I can't give you any money, I have to feed my family, especially my disabled father... I'm sorry

raymond says:
   *sigh*

Minty says:
 I really wish I could help

raymond says:
   thanks ...but... if you could help with some amount..then i will try ask my mate some too..
 because him too need some money to do his own too..
 its just the money i sent to dad that makes me 'skinny' for now..lol and its really affecting me..
 sometimes i feel like disowning him as a father..for joining the gay sht

Minty says:
 I can't even afford to get my sister a present for her 21st birthday in July, and what is so bad about being gay?

raymond says:
 hes got anal cancer innit

Minty says:
 so, Farrah Fawcett died of that and she wasn't gay... anal cancer isn't only for gay men

raymond says:
 huh... but at least its part of it and it contributes..its not 100% moralistic for a responsible person to do

Minty says:
 that is like saying that having sex with men gives women cervical cancer... there is no connection between the two. And I don't believe there is amything immoral about being gay... to me love is love and it doesn't matter who people love

raymond says:
 anyway..its libel and wrong to have prejudice about anyones orientation..
Minty..now my eyes feel sleepy..and i have to sleep now..i will try to wake up early to see a mate before he leaves for work tomorrow..
 i thought you did like to wish me sweetdreams...

Minty says:
 ok, you take care... and for the simple fact that you asked me for money and then had a go at gay men I'm blocking and deleting you as I can't talk to people that try and take advantage of others and that are intolerant of other peoples' sexuality. Good luck in life, and I wish your father a speedy recovery, and a more tolerant son in the future! Sweet dreams



Does he think I'm stupid?! Even if I were a millionaire I wouldn't give him money, purely for the gay-bashing bullshit!! If he thought that would convince me to give him the money he was wrong, very, very wrong... nothing could have made me more determined to not give him a penny! Even when I said that £300 was the money for the food to feed my family he still kept asking... so my family can go hungry so that he can get a badge that will let him become a security guard!! I don't think so! HAHAHAHAHA.

I feel so grumpy today!

Sort of restless somehow, caged in and trapped. It's difficult to describe.

It was a beautiful day today, and I went nowhere and did nothing. I was outside in the garden taking down the old gazebo for about five minutes, and I came in because my eyes hurt due to the bright light. Maybe it is down to the two hour nap I had yesterday evening that caused me to not go to bed until 4am this morning... or maybe it is just because I feel grumpy (does there always have to be a reason?).

I've also not been in a talkative mood at all... I just don't feel like I have the energy to do "small talk" and have felt like not saying anything the entire day.

It is at the time of year when I cannot abide to have the windows closed... every room feels like there is no air in it if the windows are shut... even if they are only open a tiny crack, it is enough to settle me.

I have also had itchy eyes since I woke up... a sort of stinging sensation that begs you to rub your eyes, yet when you do it makes the stinging worse just afterwards!

My arms also feel weak, even typing this is making my lower arms ache like mad, and I have no idea why.

I guess I am just in one of "those moods" today and the sooner I get to sleep the better it will be for everyone in my immediate vicinity!

What a bloody cheek!

And the day had so much promise before I went to bed last night, LOL! I had planned to do so many things... I was going to get out in the garden and now the weather looks as if it's going to pour with rain... and I am a total fair weather gardener (bad, I know).

I've also been put into a pissed mood by the delivery of the post this morning. We received an invitation to a wedding reception from my cousin... well, Mum and Dad did, I wasn't even mentioned, so I presume my presence is surplus to requirements, then!! I'm only the one that would have to drive them there, and I then, what? turn around and come home again?! Plus we aren't even worthy to attend the actual ceremony, just the party afterwards! So we can't actually go the bit that matters, but we can go the part that means we have to take a gift! Bloody cheek... they basically want our money in the form of a present then, not for us to actually see them get married. Fuck off!!

This is why I like not having a close knit family... most of them are total bastards that don't give a shit! This invite from the cousin that I haven't seen since the death of our grandfather about 14 years ago. I seriously could have walked past him in the street and I wouldn't have known it, I can't even remember what he looks like anymore. He knows where we have been for all of these years, we haven't moved, unlike him who has been all over the country and then was in India for I don't know how long. I would have preferred to have got no invite at all instead of the one for the reception. Whatever, but then I'm not invited anyway, am I? It's addressed to Mum and Dad only, my name is nowhere to be seen!

It's also on the same day as the final part of the first aid course I have to do, and I'm sorry, but the first aid is vastly more important to me than attending the wedding of a virtual stranger, so I wouldn't be going even if I had been invited! He can take his invitation, roll it up into a tight tube and then shove it up his arse as high as he can get it!! That is what I think about his "reception only" offer! See how he sits at the top table with that little lot blocking his rectum! LOL!

Dad has said that sadly he's not going to be able to go, as his leg is going to be hurting and stop him from walking that day... such a shame  **laughs like a manic**

To top off the day being crap before it even started, I woke up with my arm hurting as much as ever, and now I have to work with our 16 year old autistic guy at 3pm until he's collected (whenever that maybe) tonight (I love him dearly, and am looking forward to seeing him, don't get me wrong, but I'd planned to not be working until Monday... and I always get a bit fed up when I have to change my plans at the last minute  **grumpypants**)

Bye bye peace and quiet... and all things mobile phone-y!

Sissy and Pingu have come back from their four day wedding attendance thingie. They were in the house about five minutes before I felt crowded and quite claustrophobic in their presence. Maybe because they are both so very noisy and I'm not? Who knows. Plus, their chattering made me miss the first 20 minutes of Big Brother, which is a total crime!


My new mobile is really pissing me off... it has Bluetooth - but it can only be used for a headset and not for sending files, like phonebook contacts, music or pictures! I've never heard of a phone not being able to do that! I think I shall be taking it back... again. First the Sony one I tried (W995) got no signal at all in the house, anywhere, even upstairs! Now this one doesn't have proper Bluetooth.
It might seem trivial to some, but I like to be able to take pictures with me if I change phones, plus I like to be able to share them with other people, same goes for music... stupid LG GW620, I was just getting used to the phone when I found out. I have no idea which phone to go for now... I've been reading reviews online and none of the phones available for my monthly contract amount are very good. The best one seems to be the Nokia E72, so I might go for that one. I'm using Mum's old E63 at the moment and it has one bar of signal sat in our kitchen (which is fairly average for Virgin Mobile, 2 bars now, lol). I'm wondering if I should just cancel the contract altogether and just stay on ASDA (which use Vodafone signal towers, so it gets good coverage in the house, rarely below 2 bars even in this black spot of a kitchen we have... I blame the four storey houses across the road and the huge Victorian brick church on the corner, plus living at the bottom end of a hill, hehe), but I'd really like a new phone (my current phone a SonyEricsson K800i I've had for almost four years, and I always seem to come back to it eventually... it takes stunning pictures).

The only problem is that I can only get a contract with Virgin (I fail the credit checks for all the rest) and as a Virgin Media customer I also get extras on top, too. It's just finding a phone that ticks enough of the boxes of things that I feel are important in a phone... and some kind of signal and working Bluetooth are on my list, near the very top of it actually.

That is such a beautiful noise...

... the sound of rain hammering down on the gazebo roof just under my bedroom window... doesn't make me feel any less crappy, but it's a lovely sound all the same! Hehe. So glad I didn't water the garden earlier, not that I had the energy to do it, but the thought was there. You can't beat a good drop of rain.

This cold is really starting to make me feel like the grumpiest person on the planet now... all I hear myself saying is how nasty I feel. I must stop it, I'm starting to annoy myself now. The thing that is annoying me the most is the sneezing... not little ones either, but huge, hurt your chest, have you wetting yourself and making you feel as if you're going to blow the top of your head off ones... the ones that give you an instant headache *sigh*

The arm on my glasses broke off earlier today! Filled me with terror that did, my eyesight is putting it bluntly, utter shit and without my glasses I can barely see anything (to give an example, take a piece of glass, smear it with vaseline and try and look through it... that is how bad my eyesight is without glasses!). I only have the one pair of specs and I cannot afford to get any new ones just right now. Fortunately Mum dashed to our corner shop and brought a tube of the strongest super glue they had, and it seems to have persuaded the little piece of metal holding the arm in place to stay put... for now. I have to be very careful with my glasses now, and the left arm is fused in place, but I can see and I didn't have to resort to the old "sticking plaster repair", so it's all good, lol! I really have to get some new glasses soon, though, especially as I don't know just how long the repair will last... I suppose I shouldn't really complain, I have had this pair of glasses for going on eight years! LOL.

Who was the bright spark that thought it would be a good idea to put onions into salmon paste?! I can assure them that if I ever find out who it was I shall do them a grave injury!

Anyway, I suppose I really should try and get some sleep... last night was a disaster, sleep-wise... I went to bed at 9.40 pm, I was woken up every hour by noisy people (Sissy and Pingu) going to the bloody toilet (which is next to my bedroom) and then the noisy cow next door starting doing something in her kitchen (which shares a wall with my bedroom) which woke me up completely at 1.07am, and she kept my awake until gone 4am! If it keeps on I'm going to have words with her, selfish cow, I can't handle the double onslaught of noise! I can handle either noise here or in there, but not both at once. I have been forced to listen to my MP3 player, just to try and block it all out... don't get me wrong, I adore Siouxsie and the Banshees (the album that is currently the first one that plays when I turn it on), but sometimes all I want is peace and quiet!! Is that too much to ask for in the early hours of the morning?!?!

I've just had a damn fly buzz me in the right ear!! Freaked me the hell out and now I'm not going to be able to sleep until it's either gone away or dead... bring on the Raid!

All told this has been a day that I am going to try and quickly forget... it sucked... BIG TIME!!

I feel dreadful...

... my throat is burning, my nose is blocked and also running (make up your mind!), my body aches and I've had four hours sleep since I woke up on Wednesday! All I've felt like doing is read, but with the house looking like a rubbish tip I've had no choice but to do as much as I can.

I just wish my throat would stop hurting... it makes breathing painful, and for some reason lately whenever I catch something it always goes straight to my throat and voice box and I end up either losing my voice completely or else I end up with a voice so husky and gravelly that I sound like Barry White!!

Bugger Pingu for bringing his rotten germs into the house and infecting us all... all five of us have something wrong with us because of all of the coughing and sneezing that he did earlier in the week... you'd think that tissues had never been invented the way he was carrying on... not even putting his hand over his mouth - just coughing and covering as much airspace around him (and also anyone in it) as possible... splendid!

I wonder if I'm developing insomnia? I seem to have real trouble getting to sleep lately. I have nothing important on my mind... no imminent threats of any kind regarding money or other stuff... to be frank I couldn't give a toss about that kind of thing these days, all of my past worrying got me nowhere so why bother? The only thing that sets me off is if we have trouble with our mortgage... I can handle everything except the thought of being homeless, lol!

Maybe it's having two other people in the house... and two very noisy ones at that! Housework seems never ending with them here now... no sooner has the washing up been done than there are plates and cups back in the sink **sigh** and don't even get me started on the laundry! In the past three days the poor washing machine has had to cope with six loads of washing... and we have a very large capacity drum on our machine, too. I wouldn't mind so much, but they are 19 and 24 years old, so they are not babies, but apart from making mess they always seem to conveniently disappear when it's time to clear it up!

**Deep sigh** I suppose I am just in a bit of a grumpy mood, what with feeling crap and also the lack of sleep... I just feel sort of - overwhelmed, somehow... and I get the distinct impression sometimes that this house is not my own anymore... I can't really put my finger on it... I just really miss the quiet and can't get used to the seemingly constant smell of garlic that is pervading the house from all of the curries and junk food that they both eat! (one good thing about having a blocked nose is that I am spared having to endure the offensive whiff... or maybe my cutting all alliums from my diet, which includes both onions and garlic, makes me more sensitive to their odour?)

I'm going to shut up moaning now and see about trying to get some sleep... I think I am going to be needed in my capacity as chauffeur later today... and I don't like driving tired... I find falling asleep at the wheel not conducive to living a long and mediocre life (I would say happy life, but just lately I don't feel very happy! hehe).

Why do bunged up noses always seem to get worse at night? Just when you need to be able to breathe properly you suddenly can't!!

Think I'll pull the curtains back and stare at the beautiful half moon I can see until I fall asleep...