Lately I have been dreaming about onion rings...

 ... and I've realised that my body may have been misleading me.

For years I thought I was intolerant to many different fruits and vegetables, but now I'm wondering if that is actually the case?

A few years ago, maybe three or four, I started to have terrible digestion problems; bloating, cramps, flatulence, constipation, diarrhoea, and sometimes stomach pains so intense they would send me to bed, where I would curl up into the smallest ball possible and have to try and sleep (sleep was the only thing that used to help). It got so bad that I turned to Google and discovered IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which seemed to list everything I suffered from. Knowing that my doctors rarely take me seriously, I decided to do an elimination test to see if I could find the “trigger” foods myself. I started to keep a food diary where I wrote down, without fail, every single thing that I ate or drank (although I didn't weigh food, that's just too much hassle lol). Not only did I write down what I ate, I also wrote down how it made me feel, and also how it effected my toilet habits. By doing this, over many months (and much pain) I found numerous triggers... the whole allium family (onions, garlic, shallots, leeks, chives and all granules, dried forms, salts and extracts containing them), peppers, sweetcorn, mushrooms, beetroot, swede, broccoli, cabbage, grapes, bananas, all squashes and pumpkin, spinach, courgettes, cauliflower, white flour products (bread, cakes, pasta, cous cous, etc), green peas, green beans... in short any veg that wasn't potatoes, sweet potatoes or carrots would give me trouble. Fruit was better, as long as I stayed away from grapes and bananas. Bakery products had to be brown, wholemeal, wholewheat, etc.

As you can imagine I wasn't a happy bunny, although my digestion was happier when I cut all of them out of my diet. The up side was I lost about four stone because I just couldn't eat most junk food, ready meals, pre-packaged foods or takeaways.

Oh, as well as the fruit and veg intolerances I also discovered that lactose caused me nasty trouble, so that meant most milk, cheese, yoghurt, cream , ice cream and anything else dairy was off limits (until I found a brand called Lactofree that I was ok with).  Plus I had trouble with chicken eggs... although I was ok with duck eggs (apart from the high price and even higher cholesterol content!)

Fast forward to about June 2015...

June 15th 2015 I decided to be a vegetarian... I forget now what prompted that decision... I may have written the reasons down in an old diary somewhere, but anyway.  People thought I was mad as I had so many bad reactions to so much veg, how could I possibly be a vegetarian? I admit I wondered myself, but I was determined to try.

After suffering bad headaches and sinus problems I discovered that dairy can cause that sort of thing. I decided to do a two week dairy elimination test to see if that was the cause of my pain. After about a week my sinuses felt a lot better and my headaches had decreased to almost nothing. Then, ten days into the two week test my sister had her birthday. Her fiancé got her a cake that was egg free but that contained cream... I took some lactase capsules (they used to help me digest the lactose so I didn't have a really bad time on the rare occasions I wanted something I shouldn't really have had lol). Within an hour of eating the cake my nose was blocked and I had a headache. It showed me that dairy and I were no longer friends and I decided to cut it out of my life completely... for good!
At about the same time I had been reading more and more about veganism, and all it entailed, and after a rocky start became a vegan on 15th July 2015.

As you can imagine those around me were worried as there were just so many foods I couldn't eat... what the hell does a vegan with so many intolerances to vegetables actually eat?! Luckily I didn't starve to death as I'm fine with wholewheat bread products, rice, wholewheat pasta and had grown used to making my own food from scratch.

I'm also one of those people that is always dumb enough to try things I know I probably shouldn't... and yes, I'm often surprised when I get bad reactions hahaha. However, in this case it proved to be a good thing as I was able to gradually reintroduce a lot of foods back into my diet... mushrooms, sweetcorn, broccoli, spinach, green beans, courgettes, and cabbage (including Brussels sprouts). I also discovered kale and avocados didn't hate me.

The one group that always made me really sad were the alliums as they are in so much food, the basis for so many amazing dishes, and also hard to avoid in vegan “junk food” and sauces (be they cooking sauces, pasta sauces, even stuff like ketchup). The sheer amount of onion powder, garlic powder, onion salt, garlic extract, onion granules, chives, and any combination of the above is astounding... I never knew just how much food contained one or many of them. It was a total shopping nightmare. Either products contained them, or were reformulated without any warning once I had already started using them (like Asda did once with some bbq sauce, lucky for me I'm a habitual paranoid label checker lol).

Fast forward again to about a month ago...

I have bouts of “bravery” regarding food. If my digestion has been doing ok I feel courageous enough to try foods that I normally avoid (that must be the masochist in me). I wanted to see if my intolerance to alliums was still bad, so got some Linda McCartney vegan sausage rolls that contain onion powder (I think) but no garlic so I thought it would let me know if onions still hated me (some people are affected by one, either or both... I was effected by both). I ate two sausage rolls and waited for the problems. None came. No pain, no bloating... nothing. I was pleasantly surprised. One more food to add to the plate. Then it got me thinking... if I could have onion powder, could I have garlic? (Not that I like garlic much, I just had to know). I found a Chinese BBQ sauce that had garlic but no onions and tried it. It wasn't very nice taste wise (although there was some slight discomfort). Then I thought, if onion powder was ok, maybe try something like dried chives. I used some as a garnish on some soup and again, no reaction!

Fast forward to today and so far I have had, onion powder, onion granules, onion extract, garlic powder, garlic extract, dried chives... and a large bowl of home-made leek and potato soup... with no comeback at all! I've had spicy burgers with onions, garlic and peppers... no comeback. I had some green peas the other day... with no comeback! To say I'm stunned is an understatement. I've been avoiding all these foods for years because of problems and now I don't have the problems (at least I don't think I do anyway... my next “try” is actual onion, I've bought onion rings and also red onions as well).

So what could have happened to suddenly make my stomach not hate most of the foods it used to (bananas still constipate me, but I was never much of a fan of theirs anyway lol).

It made me think... why now? What have I changed that could have such a drastic impact on my digestive system? And then one day it hit me... could it be because I'm vegan? Could the meat I ate for years have actually been the trigger for my problems and not the veg? I always had trouble digesting pork, it never liked me much. Steak often made me constipated. Any fish used to repeat on me so much I would want to vomit just to get the taste of it out of my mouth! Lamb would bloat me, and to a lesser extent so would chicken and turkey (although I never realised it). It made me wonder if I had been blaming the veg I would have with the meat for the trouble whereas I should have been blaming the meat! It just seems weird that I can now eat a lot of the things that gave me the worst reactions with no reactions at all... surely if something was so hard on the digestion that it would send you to bed that would never fully go away, regardless of how long between exposures.

Could nearly 16 months without meat have helped my digestive system to heal itself enough so that the “evil veg” doesn't cause any problems? Could the meat have been causing irritation and then the veg merely exacerbating a reaction already there?

Could I actually have been intolerant to meat the whole time and just never knew it?

Honestly I don't have a definite answer to any of those questions. All I can say is that I know how I feel, and that is fine. Maybe a little flatulence (who never has that?) but farts don't give me pain.

I guess that even if I hadn't become vegan for moral and ethical reasons, my body was screaming out for me to become one for health reasons. I just never knew it until now.

I'm going to take it slowly, I don't want to get my hopes fully up only to have them crushed by pain (which has happened many times before, when I've tried things in the past by jumping in head first instead of gently testing the waters with a toe at a time).

It has made me wonder if I should share my experiences with an allium intolerance group I'm in at Facebook? Obviously those with an allergy wouldn't benefit from reading it, allergies can be medically tested for whereas intolerances cannot, it is simply trial and error on the part of the intolerant person that discovers the triggers. But if meat could be behind my problems, couldn't it also be the same for others that might not even realise it?

A simplified form of paganism for me from now on

For ages now I've felt as if my connection to Selene has been broken. I just don't feel as if there is anything there between us anymore. When I think of how excited and happy I was when I first realised I'd finally found a "patron" after years of searching it makes me a little sad, if I'm honest, to think that the link between us is gone.

But on the flip side I'm not bereft enough to fight for something I'm sure isn't really for me anymore. A large part of me thinks I've moved forward and Selene was there for as long as I needed her. Another part of me wonders in the role of gods and I feel quite agnostic about them as a whole at present. It's a fairly confusing and contradictory set of thoughts and ideas swirling around in my tired (and illness/cold/flu riddled) brain at present. The contradiction is this... I do believe that gods exist, I just don't really want a relationship with them anymore. I will always have a soft spot for Selene, she was the only goddess that ever made herself known to me personally (or maybe I convinced myself she did... that is open for debate lol) and I'll always be grateful to her for arriving at a point in my life when I was seriously questioning my being pagan at all. I was ready to give up completely and suddenly Selene appeared and made me feel that I was on the right track, and that regardless of what other "better pagans" thought about me and the way I practised my "craft" that I was pagan enough and had nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in my pagan life. I will always be grateful for that and the strength I gained.

Now though, I don't feel as if I need her and I also don't feel as if she needs me. It feels like a mutual parting of the ways. I feel as if I have gained all I needed to from our relationship and she is telling me that I'm strong enough now to go my own way. Like a mother that helps her child to learn to walk and then lets them discover the world for themselves. I hope that makes sense. I know it sounds fairly non-sensical and confusing, but I can't seem to explain it better.

I seem to feel quite apathetic most of the time and ritual has never been very high on my list of "essentials" so attempting to plan elaborate sabbats was never me... and I dont recall ever marking an esbat in my life! Apart from the odd pagan bits and bobs in jewellery and the cauldron I have, people would have a hard time telling that I'm a pagan at all by looking at me. I've gone past the "dripping with pentagrams" stage that most newbies go through. It feels more natural to wear my more goth themed items than it does the pagan ones these days.

Anyway, I digress.

Simple paganism for me is basically the stripping down of all the stuff and nonsense that I've spent the last dozen or so years trying my hardest to do! No overly planned rituals, no ritual clothing, no ritual items like athames or wands, no casting circles, no incense and no invoking gods or elements. I fact sometimes I don't say anything at all and just light a candle and think about what I want it to symbolise or who to help or "insert occasion here."

Bottom line is, I'm finished with that which I can't prove for myself to be 100% true or that I feel I don't need anymore (like gods). I've become more nature based in my ways. Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I can see and feel them, I can prove them to be real and I interact with them everyday of my life. Spirit is more difficult for me to comes to terms with, but I see that as akin to the energy in all things or like the soul. Granted I cannot prove that it exists but I cannot prove it doesn't either... so I choose to believe it does as it makes sense to me. If I can understand it and it makes sense to me then I have no problem with it.

I suppose my craft life, such as it is, could be described as "pagan-lite" ... simple yet meaningful to me, if no one else - and something which enriches me and doesn't feel like a chore or a burden. I guess that is all that matters really :0)

I've been thinking about the past few days...

... and why it made me so upset. It has nothing to do with the story from FB, but the reactions of people regarding me that has upset me. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, that's fine and I'm not arrogant enough to believe that everyone should agree with me. It is the way in which people disagree with me, and that is what I have a hard time handling - when people are overly confrontational to me or talk to me as if I'm a piece of shit, that is when I become angry. I don't think it would have hurt as much had the guy from FB had any real contact with me lately, but he hasn't (the galling thing being that I'd recently sent him a cd that cost me £12 for free and then refused his offer to refund the almost £3 it cost me in postage to send it to him!)

Then I had someone I don't remember attack me here, when she has never once posted any kind of comment on this blog before. Then she tried to justify her doing so by saying that because I had commenting set to 'everyone' it gave her the right to speak to me like crap. Then she had the cheek to lecture me about 'lacking common decency' - that now strikes me as quite funny. I guess she knows all about that as she lacks it herself.

Apparently she has done it in the past as well, to people I do remember (and it was only when my brother went searching for her that he found a blog that posted her screen-name, which I kind of recall... although I still didn't have any contact with her directly even then). I guess some people are so arrogant and have such high opinions of themselves and their opinions they somehow feel they have the right to ride roughshod over everyone else regardless of what kind of damage they may do in the process. Having a loud voice doesn't always mean you have to scream at everyone all the time. One day they will scream at the wrong person and find someone screaming back... I just wish I could be there to see it happen and give them the old classic of  'I told you so'.

It's probably because I do take the things that people say to me seriously, and when I'm attacked online it feels just as bad as when I'm verbally attacked in the street for being fat. As much as I try and shake it off and tell myself that people don't know me and are just saying hurtful things to be hurtful or impress others and make them laugh, deep down it still cuts and bleeds and causes a scar. I struggle so much to be myself and not worry what other people think of me, it has taken years for me to do that and most of the time I still feel vulnerable and exposed when I attempt to be myself around anyone not a member of my tiny inner circle. It is akin to building a high wall around yourself to keep the world out and then having to gradually remove bricks in order to rejoin the world... only to have someone come along and try and batter the wall down so you build it back up, stronger and higher than before. Leaving you right back where you started, in fact in a worse place than where you started as you have more bricks to remove just to get back to that place.

People are always saying that I should stand up for myself and not allow people to stop me being who I am... yet it always seems that on the few occasions I do just that, I am once again attacked, belittled, dog-piled and  made to feel like I'm a horrible person for merely being myself. I can't win. I'm told I'm too lenient and a bit of a doormat, and then when I stand up for myself I'm told I'm 'not who I thought you were' and that I'm in the wrong and somehow lacking basic human decency.

I wish I could stop the people that don't matter from affecting me so badly, and for all of the positive and supporting messages I receive I still remember the negative and nasty ones. I may have a strong opinion, but I rarely use it against other people unless they attack me first. I have a strong opinion regarding issues, not individuals... and I would never speak to people the way they speak to me, especially in public. That to me 'lacks common decency'.

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

So... the results of my blood tests are in...

... and there is nothing wrong with me!!

I knew that the tests would come back clear. I'm really disappointed as I don't understand why I still feel so bad all the time. I still feel exhausted, even after I wake up and apparently there is no medical reason for me to feel that way. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Oh well, if nothing else it has proved that my cholesterol is normal and there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I guess I should be grateful for that, even if it still leaves a huge question mark hanging over my head as to what it could be.

I've spent most of the day being baffled by christians.

I went to a forum I used to work at, under a different name (my original account is not very welcome over there anymore)... and I can't believe some of the nonsense that people actually believe!

One girl is arguing about the bible, saying that it is inerrant and "the Word of God" and the evidence she provides for her argument is? The bible! So basically, her argument is that the bible says it's the Word of God so it must be true! I don't understand that at all. If I were to pick any other subject on the planet and use such scanty evidence to support my claims I would be laughed at... and rightly so.

I don't know... I have no idea why I even went back there to be honest. I've spent a few hours there and already my head hurts, my eyes ache, I'm shaking my head in confusion and wondering about the sanity of some of these people! The circular arguments (the bible is true because the bible says it is) just make my head spin. I feel like I've been in some kind of timewarp all day... the people may be different, but the voices and opinions are the same. The thing that saddens me is that these are young people saying these things... people in their 20s that should be able to use common sense, logic and reason, but they don't because they have been taught that a book tells them everything they need to know. It makes me very sad... and also very glad that I wasn't raised that way (and that I don't live in an environment that actively teaches from such a narrow view point).

Judging from the stuff I've just read, I'd rather be a heretic, or an idolater (for my pagan beliefs) than be tied to their narrow and restricted ideas about deity. I've read 90% of the bible... and the message of Jesus was clear to me after one reading... love God and everyone else - no exceptions. That's it... all the rest is meaningless, as if you're following that ^^^ you won't be breaking any laws. You won't be stealing, or harming others... you won't be envious of their possessions and you won't be killing them.

How can I have read the bible and got such a simple message from it... but others have done the same and twisted it into something so complicated? I just don't get it *shrugs*

Ok, what am I missing here?

People keep saying they find me sexy, and beautiful and that I turn them on and all sorts of other words and phrases and I just don't understand how. Below are the pictures I use at the dating sites I frequent, and I just don't see anything sexual about them:

I do not see anything sexual about these pictures... the middle one is always the one I use for an avatar on sites, the top one is the newest one of me and the bottom one is of when I had black hair last year (I miss that colour hair). I can kind of see the allure of the bottom one because of the red lips, but the other two? Really? What am I missing here?

Granted I'm not wearing my glasses in any of them so my eyes look quite big and I do have make up on in the bottom picture, but I still can't see them as sexual... and how people can say I'm sexy when they haven't seen a picture of me other than my face (long body shot, etc) I fail to understand  **sigh**

This is the only photo I have of me that shows me full body:

Nothing sexual there, is there??

I just don't understand what others see that I don't when they see my pictures  **baffled**

I'm surrounded by sex-mad people!

I'm at a dating site for big women... and all of the guys that speak to me all seem as if they just want to get their leg over and shag like rabbits! I don't want that, not at all. One guy even asked why I was on the site if I'm not interested in sex!! What kind of question is that?!?! What about friendship? What about romance? Is sex the be-all and end-all of human achievement? Is there nothing else? What am I missing here?!

I like the idea of being in a relationship, I really do, but the sex part doesn't matter to me, in any way (I also don't want kids). The thought of having sex makes me feeling sick (in fact I just shuddered at the prospect). To me there is so much more than interlocking body parts. Maybe because I'm a virgin and have never even been kissed is the reason (as I've been told I don't know what I'm missing, which is true, I don't)... maybe it's because I find my body repulsive and the thought of someone else seeing it (and the reactions it would no doubt garner) fills me with fear! I like the idea of being kissed... it's just the rest that makes me want to turn and flee in terror. Sex just seems to make things so complicated and can lead to such life changing events that I don't want (kids, disease, medical examinations, etc).

I like men, I really do, I like the thought of being in the company of a man that I find attractive... I like the thought of hugging and kissing, walking hand in hand, of looking into his eyes and feeling loved and all of the other little things that couples do together... just not the sex part! I think it would take someone incredibly special to ever change my mind, too, and I'm not sure such a man exists.

I also don't see how people could ever see me in a sexual context, I have nothing sexual about me... some people seem to exude sexiness from every pore, I don't. I can't even flirt so I don't bother as it seems to send out signals that I don't know how to deal with when things always seem to turn more serious.

I just don't understand this obsession with sex that seems to pervade every tiny facet of people's lives these days... surely there has to be more depth to people than that? If not then what the hell is wrong with me in that I don't and can't see things in the same way?!

Maybe I shouldn't bother in trying to find someone out there... if all I'm going to be is a place to rest their genitals then I'd rather be alone and stay true to myself... another reason that I'm grateful to prostitutes... they deal with the guys with one track minds so I don't have to!!

Guess I'm just a frigid prude.

I always knew I was different... now I know I am a total freak by today's (low) standards... not sure how I feel about that, being honest  **shrugs**

Why are people so mean sometimes?

Especially to people that don't seem to deserve such unfair treatment!

So people may annoy you, fair enough - and you can choose to not have any contact with them. However, to take situations that you have not personally witnessed and then use them as reasons for treating people like crap, to me that is wrong. You cannot use hearsay and the feelings of others as a good reason for mistreating other people... that is wrong! Neither can you take a dislike to someone and then go all out to make them feel as if they shouldn't exist, snub them, give them catty remarks and just generally treat them badly.

I've been on the end of a malicious smear campaign like that when I was younger (at school) and let me tell you it never goes away, those feelings of eternal judgement and of never feeling good enough... the sidelong glances you get and the feelings of people talking about you behind your back (and in my case I was totally innocent, but one girl hated me and made sure everyone else hated me as well)... they stay with you forever, and they leave their own creeping bitterness and a mental scar that never fully heals. You never feel the same way about the people that do it ever again, and neither do you want to after the way they have treated you.

Granted there are some people that are complete douche bags and they seem to bring negativity upon themselves... but they shouldn't get that from people they have not done bad things to personally, and people have no right to do that either just because they may have acted badly to your friends. We all make mistakes and if we are constantly having those acts shoved in our faces it just makes us bitter and we fail to learn when we have gone astray because we are forever being punished for the past. Who can honestly look back and say they have never hurt someone, even accidentally? I know I have hurt people in the past and I am sorry for having done that... but if the friends of the people I had hurt kept treating me like shit and being mean to me , even if I had never done anything mean to them personally, I know that would hurt me so much (especially without even hearing my side of the story) ... and it's also not fair, or right, or just! It would make me angry and I'd be so confused as to why I was being treated that way.

Defend your friends, fair enough, but there must come a point when the people suffering from the online harassment need to stand up and defend themselves and stop asking others to do it for them! How long can you keep ignoring someone and not telling them when they are doing wrong and then wonder why that person keeps bothering you? Just tell them straight, once and for all. It's not that hard to do... is it? If after that, they still keep coming after you, then get the reinforcments and do what you have to do.

It's not being disloyal to your friends to choose to treat the other person like a human being... it's being disloyal to yourself to treat them badly just because others dislike them and want others to avoid them ,too.

It just strikes me as ironic that I can give people that have messed up more chances than some Christian people I know who are actually COMMANDED to forgive their brothers and sisters unlimited times... not bad for an "evil pagan" is it?!

When is a swear word not a swear word?

When it's said by someone other than me!!

In general I don't like swearing, I do it, like most people do, but there has to be a good reason for it. In my case it's when I'm angry and/or upset. I swear when I am so wound up that I cannot think of other words to use (or type). Rarely do I use the c-word as to me that is the word that really means I'm so angry that I'm about to explode with rage... I rarely get that angry so I tend not to use it (plus I really dislike it, too).

Fuck I use more often, yes, it's a strong word, but not as bad as the c-word... exasperation usually has me saying that one (and I seem to get exasperated quite a lot lately... sadly).

Any words that contain piss, shit and arse I consider lesser swear words, not as severe as the other two above, but still swear words... on a par with prick, dickhead, bitch, pussy, slag, whore, bastard, etc.

So why is it wrong for me to say piss, pissed, pisses and shit, but it's fine for someone else to say arse and arseholes? They are all swear words, all used to convey strong feelings and if swearing is not allowed then ALL of them should be treated the same way. No?

Obviously not :o(

The way your interests change

I was reading at one of my favourite forums about the religion of Ancient Egypt and about the modern day people that follow it in Pagan circles and I replied saying just how uninteresting I now find the topic... amazing when you consider just how I was obsessed with Ancient Egypt about 8 years ago! I have books (over forty of varying ages), tv shows, figurines, jewellery... I even have two scarves that have hieroglyphics on them, lol!

What's weird is that now, at this present time, I have no interest in Ancient Egypt at all... nothing, nada, zip! I was watching a programme about Hatshepsut the other day and I couldn't have been less interested if I'd been watching paint dry... to say I was bored would be an under statement... and I don't understand it at all. To go from thinking about virtually nothing else for years, to being in this state of abject not caring is fairly alarming, even worrying to me. Very rarely do I lose total interest in something that I used to love, and when I do I sort of seem to enter a kind of mourning phase for the thing/s I leave behind... and most of the time it doesn't last very long and something always comes along to pique my interest again after a while. Sadly I don't think anything is going to relight my passion for Ancient Egypt... I've felt like this for roughly 8 years and as each year passes I seem to care less and less.

I asked for advice on how to re-ignite my interest... but I don't think there is going to be an answer that will help me. I wonder if I've moved on from that phase in my life to something else? I don't know what to, as I have no current obsession with anything much at present, just many things I like, nothing that would be classed as obsession.

I wonder if I'm just too tired, in pain and worrying about my job to give my full attention to much of anything these days... (though I'm hoping to get out in the garden over the weekend and have a bit of a tidy up, bad arm permitting... I'm actually hoping that giving it some gentle exercise will help in loosening it up and help me to move it more, well it can't hurt... well, it really can, but I guess it hurts anyway so at least I can get the dead plants out of the ground and still be in pain rather than stare at their woody corpses out of the window all of the time LOL!!)

It's all just so weird!

**I have a new keyboard now which makes typing easier, if not painless, so at least I can type without having red hot daggers flare up under my skin... always nice I find to not have that feeling, LOL!**

It's pouring with rain here... and more ramblings.

... and I'm sure I just heard a low rumble of thunder somewhere close by.

I so love the rain... the sound always calms me right down and makes me sleepy.


I now have another topic that I cannot raise around Sissy... abortion (to add to religion of any kind, her parents, asylum seekers, etc). I believe that is the woman's right to choose (even if it disagrees with the fathers choice) as it's her body... she disagrees as the potential baby is only 50% hers. I can see her point, but I still feel the woman should get to decide. I also don't think life beginning at conception, either... if the foetus couldn't survive outside the womb, then to me it's not yet a baby. Fairly controversial thinking maybe, but it's how I see it.

I was told off for using generalisations in my replies... apparently it's wrong to use them in a general conversation **sigh**

I wonder why I let myself get so wound up over things that are never going to affect me personally? I'm never having kids, so abortion is a non-issue for me. Other people's choices are their business and it's nothing to do with me, in any way... but I got so heated that my face flushed bright red (a bad sign, as it means I'm getting either angry or my latent anxiety is close to breaking forth!)

Sissy was hammering on and on, and eventually her voice just really started to grate on my ears, not to mention my nerves... she was getting more and more shrill with each word she said. I could feel myself start to "zone out" again - just like last time, and I was glad when the topic changed to something else and I was able to be quiet and not participate in the conversation anymore.

I don't know... I just find myself to be in a state of such mental confusion lately. Some of the things I've always believed seem to be sloughing away, yet I still try and keep hold of them, vice-like, as I am loathe to just let them go. Surely it's a bad thing to do? I wish I knew.

I feel dreadful

Something I ate last night did not agree with me in any way... I can't think what it could be, though! I've eaten nothing that I haven't had before (with no problems)... the only thing I ate that is not on my "normal" diet (more of a treat when we can afford it) was three huge organic Portobello mushrooms filled with cheese - and I made them myself (not shop bought filled mushrooms)... I just don't understand how I feel exactly how I would feel had I eaten onions, only I have not had any onions! The last time I felt this bad was last Tuesday when I had a shop-made pasta sauce (that contained onions).

I'm just so confused about my stupid stomach now... is it onions? Is it mushrooms? Is it wheat? Is it yeast? Is it lactose? Who the hell knows? Because I sure as hell don't **sigh** I seem to have reacted against all of them in the past!!

I'm also so tired and listless that it's even a huge effort to type this! Maybe the antihistamine I took earlier is the reason... knowing my luck lately I'm in the tiny percent that suffer from bad reactions (non-drowsy, my arse!)... nothing would surprise me anymore, lol! Out of my entire family, I'm the one that is allergic to the 20th century "wonder drug", Penicillin, so there you go... I always have been the awkward one.

It's a beautiful day here and apart from watering some of my potted plants in the garden I came straight back indoors, I couldn't stay out there. It was so bright and I could see so many jobs that needed doing that I turned my back in hope that the "garden elves" will help me out (little buggers never have in the past, but I live in hope, hehe).

I hate this lethargy that I seem to have all the time lately, really stops me from doing so many things that I used to do... I was planning to go to the woods today, get back to nature and take some photos, but I just can't seem to muster the energy to do it **sigh** They are only a ten minute drive away, too, and somewhere, deep in my psyche, I can feel them calling to me and I can't ignore it for much longer as the feeling is getting stronger by the day! I really should take advantage of my current unemployment to get out there and heed the call I keep getting... hopefully tomorrow will be better (at least my stomach problems should be gone by then, anyway).

Time to re-ignite my paganism?

I'm the first one to admit that I have done nothing regarding my beliefs for a while now... ever since I felt my connection to Selene was severed a few months ago (see here) I have not felt particularly pagan, in fact I haven't felt very much of anything. I've done no reading about pagan things, I have barely posted on pagan forums, and it was only seeing a post asking what people are doing for Imbolc that I realized that it's next week!!

I sometimes wonder if it's my spending so much time (online) around christians that affects my pagan beliefs? Maybe I see them seeming to be so happy, content and spiritually rich that it makes me want to be like them... although the six months that I tried to be christian were some of the darkest, confusing and (regarding some of the things I heard myself say!) also most embarrassing times in my entire life. The constant trying to be something that I wasn't, of having to toe the party line, of never feeling free as I was always having to measure myself by the scriptural yardstick (and failing dismally everytime) made me well and truly miserable - and even now I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt when I do things that are biblically taboo or "sins" (like lying and thinking about sex).

Maybe it's because I am so very indecisive, and the more and more I seem to think about things, the more my sense of confusion seems to grow...on the flip side, the less I seem to think about things, the clearer my true feelings become (maybe something to think about there, although not too much, lol!)

I have done nothing remotely pagan for months... I have even stopped burning candles, which is sad because I do love candles. My cauldron is under my bed somewhere, my shelf of pagan books is gathering dust... but if asked by people I will say I'm pagan... and I get very defensive if paganism (in whole or it part) is belittled, attacked or mocked, either by those who are ill-informed or by those who are trying to make us all out to be devil worshippers, child killers, mad, bad or just downright evil!

I very much have a pagan heart, although I may not actively be practicing my pagan path (which I have no idea about, which could go a long way to explaining just why I'm stalled and sort of held in a kind of holding pattern or limbo regarding it!)

Am thinking that I should go and have a read of some of the books on my shelf again... see if I can fire up my interest... it certainly can't hurt, and it may just make me feel the way I used to about my path. Maybe I should see about writing a little something for Imbolc... it's only about a week away and what better way to banish this dark feeling than with a festival of light celebration?

What a strange experience!

(long entry... sorry)


I was talking to two christians yesterday (which in this case was a bad idea) and the topic was other religions and of course the topic shifted to talk of my burning in hell for all eternity because of my refusal to accept Jesus! One poster there was only 15 and another one chimed in and the tone of their posts really upset me in the end and I got quite scared about what they were saying (mind you it was 3am, I was tired and alone and they caught me by surprise with their tag-team posting!).

Anyway... in the end I had to turn off the computer as I was getting quite panicky (never happened to me before) and I thought to myself "what if they're right and I do go to hell!" I don't even believe in the place and I was getting totally freaked out! So weird! So I close down the kitchen (lock the door, check the windows, change the cats' water, etc) and I go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. Now, normally just thinking of Selene would calm me down and make me feel better, but last night it didn't, if anything it seemed to add to my panic.

I was sat on the loo (sorry, I know, tmi!) brushing my teeth and trying to distract myself by reading a book (and failing dismally) when I heard a bird singing outside. Now that's not too strange around here, I hear birds all the time (even at 3am as we have bright lights on the motorway) but this was a bird that I'd never heard before, and as it was chirping away, a name just popped into my head "Ceridwen" and from then on I could almost hear this bird singing "Ce-rid-wen" when it was chirping. Now I've glanced briefly at the Welsh/Celtic Pantheon, but nothing more than that (the prounounciation always put me off), so why it should be the name of Ceridwen that calmed me right down and filled me with a feeling of tranquility, I have no idea, and I still don't?! I looked her up in my mythology book and the scant info I had said that she was a fertility goddess, and then mentioned about her brewing a potion of knowledge for her ugly son, but someone else drank it so she ate him and he later became the bard, Taliesin (or something like that, I was really tired by this point, and I haven't looked for more info before writing this).

After a few minutes I was feeling back to normal, and the birdsong seemed to get louder for an instant, and then it was gone... and it hasn't returned. I don't even know which bird it was, although I know what it wasn't (not crow, pigeon, magpie, starling, collared dove, blue tit or jay, as we have them on the birdtable, and I know their songs and chirps quite well). It just seemed so strange to hear a new birdsong when I was in such need of reassurance, and then once I was calm and telling myself what an idiot I was for being spooked by those people, it made me aware for an instant with an increase of volume, and then it was gone. I would know the song if I heard it again, although I cannot describe it (as I'm rubbish at doing animal impressions).

I know it's not unheard of for people to be drawn to gods from different pantheons, but I was so sure about Selene, yet today I feel nothing for her... she is just another Greek god, and I feel really sad about that... could I have been wrong about having her as my patron all along? Or was she just there to guide me into my craftwork and now her job is done and I am free to explore other things? I feel a little bereft, to tell the truth, and I don't know what to do now! If I'd been asked yesterday which god was "mine" I would have had no hesitation in answering, Selene... but ask me now and I have not a clue **sigh**

Still heard nothing...

... it's just so damn freaky!

My mind has been spinning with all sorts of reasons as to why she never arrived or even phoned to say what the problem is... did she have a accident of some sort? Did she have some other kind of emergency and she had to rush off? Did she think that it was next Friday and not today? Did her current minder agree to change the way she's looking after the baby, so she decided to stay there, after all? Was she not a real parent looking for a place at all, but some sort of plant from OFSTED checking up on their minders?

I just wish that I knew... Mum has contacted her many times, but has got no reply of any kind. I just have no idea what to do now ***stumped***

I suppose the biggest questions is... would we still want to take her after this anyway?

Most strange!

The girl with the baby that was meant to be here at 11am, never turned up! We've never had that happen to us before... we've had people phone and say that they won't be coming, or arrive late, but never not tell us and leave us sat here not knowing what to do with ourselves (do you carry on as normal, go out as you'd planned or wait and see if she does get here after all?). Makes me feel doubly shitty now as we lied to the girl yesterday thinking that this one was coming... maybe this is some kind of divine retribution, who knows?

We even cancelled plans in order to stay in for this girl! Her phone keeps jumping to voicemail, and I'm equally annoyed and worried (in case something happened to the baby, or her... that kind of thing).

It's just so very weird ***sigh***

If we don't hear back, we are thinking of calling the other girl after all, just to see if she's still interested... wrong, I know, but we need another kid in here... and if it has to be the girl with ADHD, then it has to be (it was a toss up between her and the baby, and in this case the baby seemed the easiest option... until now). I shan't be surprised if the mum isn't interested... she's probably already made other plans.

There's a valuable lesson in all of this to be learned... don't count your chickens before they hatch!!

Oh the irony (-- cross-posted from UKP blog --)

Yesterday I ate fish for the first time in months, and I come down this morning (I slept very late, stupid alarm clock) to find that Mum had gone out and bought and prepared a veg casserole veggie worcester sauce, veggie stock cubes, the whole schbang).

It was going to be chicken, but she spent the money that would have bought the chicken on the special worcester sauce and stock cubes.

Oh the guilt I feel.


I really have to stop being so damn indecisive... I'm starting to piss myself off now. I have to start doing what I feel is right and not be so easily led by others (no-one here, by the way). I'm so concerned with what others think about me that I often lose sight of what I think of me - and my opinion should be the one that really matters, after all, I am the one that has to live with me 24/7!

I always manage to do this to myself. I seem to think myself into a state of utter confusion, and it's only when I stop thinking and just do things that my life gets easier. It's a sorry state of affairs when you baffle yourself on a regular basis.

I'm so confused...

... about everything it seems!

Especially my faith... do I really have any? Any at all? I don't think that I believe in God or even Gods for that matter, but on the other hand I see no reason that they couldn't exist. I seem to change my mind about this almost daily, and I'm taking the Belief.net religion quiz all the time (and it always comes out with Neo-Pagan 100%). I'm going to go and take it again and see what it says regarding my present feelings................took it again, and even though I answered most of the questions about god/s with "none of the above" it gave me the same answer as before "100% Neo-Pagan".

I'll have to think about it some more and then I'll come back and write down my feelings here.