My new commenting message...

... for those that may not read it before they comment!

Please feel free to leave a message, beware that I moderate all comments, so be nice. If you are just commenting in order to criticise or scold me, please don't bother as I'm not interested!! Such comments will be deleted or I will make a post out of them for everyone to see!

It is people like 'Luna Buteo' that had me remove the commenting ability here in the past. I don't need to be constantly told if people think I'm in the wrong, I'm well aware of when I am and I don't need total strangers to tell me that. Anyone would think that I'd started the scam myself instead of just documented it so that someone that has no access to it can see it. There is no way I could have found the words to describe that picture, I wouldn't know where to even begin.

It plays havoc with my anxiety issues and has me then second guessing every little thing I say or do in the future, just in case I offend someone or make them angry or upset. It makes me feel as if I'm a terrible person for merely keeping friends updated on why I'm upset in my life. Now I feel like I have to think of reasons to justify the things I post here, when I started this blog purely to help ease the stress and anxiety in my life not increase it. It doesn't feel like that now... I feel like a goldfish in a bowl that is surrounded by hungry cats... and all because people feel they have the 'right' to say things to me regarding things that don't concern them in any way.

I've reactivated the 'adult warning' on the front of this blog (as you saw when you got here) and I feel like not bothering writing anything if all people are going to do is always find the bad things and remark on them, yet ignore the good. I feel like turning commenting off, yet if I do that the one person whose comments I actually enabled commenting to receive won't be able to... what do I do *sigh*

I got an answer to my question/Gem at the vets

It seems that because I've already switched the name back to the free host that my blog should be safe... I just hope that come March the person that answered wasn't wrong!



Has anyone else noticed that when you take an animal to the vet that you end up looking a complete liar? We had to take our old cat today as her claws on her front paws had grown so long that they were digging into her paw pads and making her feet bleed! It's a problem that should have been obvious earlier, but for the fact that Gem hates contact with people except on her terms... and even then it's just the odd head scratch. We all thought that her walking a bit stiff lately was due to her being 19 years old and having arthritis in her legs... well, it wasn't, it was because of her claws. Having a cat hiss and spit at you if you get too close has a way of making you keep your distance lol. It was only when Mum noticed that her right paw was bleeding slightly that we made an appointment for her at the vets yesterday (once our landline was fixed on Thursday, after we noticed the bleeding on Wednesday).

So we took her to the vets, with all the attendant moaning and meowing in the car on the way there, and the vet just picked her up out of the pet carrier (we have never been able to pick her up without a virtual fight... which we lose!) and the vet was stroking her and touching her back near her tail straight away... it took us about three years before Gem trusted us enough to let anyone stroke her properly (from head to end of tail!)

They tried to cut her claws whilst we were waiting outside, but because they were quite bad when they did the first couple and the pads on the right paw started to bleed quite heavily, poor Gem just got really distressed so they asked for permission to sedate her and carry on. I readily gave consent for that, even with the warning that it could carry the complication of her reacting badly and passing away. What could I do? I couldn't just let her have painful and possibly infected feet for the rest of her life... so we had no choice but to leave her there and come home again.

It was 2pm yesterday before we phoned and got the good news that Gem was fine and up and awake (although still wobbly from the sedation) and we could go back and get her :o)

She looked a bit of a state, bless her, with both paws done up in little feline boxing gloves and the fur on her back legs shaved (because it was matted where she's unable to wash herself properly because of her age... it has only been in the past few months that she has allowed me anywhere near her with a brush!)

Anyway, all is well now, and she has to go back on Monday to have her dressings looked at... although the sneaky moo has already pulled off the left paw one and Mum had to loosen the tape on the right one as Gem wouldn't settle with it and kept trying to get that one off, too. Seeing as that is the worse of the two feet we want to keep that one covered for as long as possible. Mum phoned and asked if it was ok for her to pull the dressing off and was told that as long as there is not very heavy bleeding it's fine and not to worry as cats heal really quickly. If the bleeding gets too bad we are to phone their switchboard and they will give us the address of the 24 hour emergency premises.

We have the lovely job of trying to get antibiotic tablets into Gem starting from Sunday, twice a day, just to make sure that her feet heal properly... but apart from that she should be fine. They were happy with her weight, and her teeth are in good condition for a cat her age (nothing rotting or needing treatment, which is good news). We have to pop out tomorrow and get a special grooming mitt so that we can brush her properly... but it's a small price to pay to have her with us for as long as possible.

So, I've cancelled the domain name for here...

... it costs $10 dollars a year and seeing as I never used any of the features that the money paid for I really don't see the point of renewing it. It's not much money, but why should I pay out for stuff I don't use?

So the name of the blog has been changed back to the free host, mintys-mumblings.blogspot.com and it will stay that way in the future. I just hope that my cancelling the renewal money won't see this blog being deleted. I've asked a question about that in the Google accounts forum and am just awaiting a reply (I seriously hope not, and I'm hoping if I do lose it, that because I have until March before it expires that I'll be able to export my blog to somewhere else so that I don't lose anything!)

Fingers crossed...

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

What a horrible experience!

I went to the doctors and she immediately sent me for a blood test... she didn't examine me or anything and actually directed most of the questions to my Mum instead of me (I think she forgot that I'm 35 now and not a kid, which I was the last time she saw me. Whatever).

So, I went for the blood test... and I knew it was going to be a bad time from the beginning!

When I got there I was told to take a number... which was 280... and they were on 168! The waiting time was approx an hour and a half.

I waited patiently... and waited some more.

Finally the numbers crept up to the 270s and my nerves started to kick in... by the time 279 was called I was finding it hard to breathe. When 280 was called I went into the room and sat down on the chair... then the tourniquet was arranged and the time had come... I felt sick and when she said that she couldn't find the vein in my arm and had another go, to no avail, she said that she'd have to try the other arm! Apparently I have "wobbly veins" which means they tend to disappear (which they did when I was a kid and they had to draw the veins on with biro as whenever they tried to take blood they couldn't find the... hence my needle phobia as I was treated like a human pin cushion! 15 blood tests in one day will do that to a person, I guess).

By now I was getting panicky and just wanted to get out of the damned place! She managed to draw the blood from my left arm with no problem and I was finally free. I've never moved so fast in my life! I was out of the hospital before I knew it and I was having a hard time not breaking down and weeping. I phoned Mum and as soon as I heard her voice I just cried... at one stage I was hyperventilating just to try and keep the tears in check. Once I was back in the car I burst into tears and I was a quivering wreck! I turned on the air conditioning and managed to calm down enough to drive home. But I cried again as soon as I got in.

This is the effect that a simple, run-of-the-mill blood test has on me... because of my phobia of hypodermic syringes.

To top it all off when I tried to pull the tape off my skin (that was holding the cotton wool balls in place over the entry points) the stuff was so vicious that it actually ruptured a few blood vessels under my skin!

Anyway... I think I did quite well, in that I neither threw up nor fainted, and now I just have to wait for the results... fingers crossed there is nothing wrong with me, but in the pit of my stomach I fear there must be something to account for the problems I seem to be having lately (with  my digestion, irritability, constant tiredness, soft nails and thinning hair). Time will tell.

One thing I know for certain... I will never, ever, have any tattoos or piercings... if a blood test does this, then I hate to think of the result if the needles are bigger and more painful!

I'm getting nervous now...

... as I have an appointment at the doctors tomorrow to see if they can find a reason for the problems I'm having lately. My joints are aching, I'm constantly tired, I have digestive problems, my skin is always itchy, I'm always cold and my hair is becoming quite thin. All of these are symptoms of an under-active thyroid and I'm really hoping it's not that... but the only way to find out is to have a blood test, and I'm petrified of needles - just thinking about it makes me feel shivery and sick.

Fingers crossed that it's nothing serious, I don't want to have to be on medication for life (which would be the case in the case of the under-active thyroid). I guess time will tell.

My cat has a massive lump on his face!!

Well,  maybe massive is a strong word, large swelling would be more accurate, lol.

Sissy noticed it at about 10pm last night. After talking to some people about it it seems to be an abscess of some kind, so I have to take him to the vets. Never had a cat have something like this before... I just hope I can find the right letter so that we can take him to the PDSA... I hate to think how much a private vet would cost *eek*

He doesn't seem too bothered... he's fast asleep on my bed... typical Angel-boy!

***edited to add at 15.10: I have an appointment at our local private vets at 4.30pm today... the PDSA couldn't see him until Monday, and as the time for it was 3.15, and Mum would have had to go to fill in the paperwork I couldn't have taken her by car as the kids are still here then. That means having to get a bus, in the middle of the summer holidays, to a fairly rough place, with a scared cat in a pet carrier... I don't think so! His treatment could cost up to £100... but it's worth it to get the infection sorted rather than leave it growing for two more days. I'll just not have any spending money this month... he's worth every penny, though - I love that little guy***

It's pouring with rain here, and it's calming me down nicely - thank you Mother Nature. I needed calming after Sissy going off on one again this morning regarding my attitude to my work (and its more complex nature now). Fortunately we don't have to do that full eight day course starting in November... but we do have to do four modules over four Saturdays starting at the end of September instead! Oh well... I suppose it's better to get it our of the way. I am dreading it, though.

Sissy tried to goad me into an argument, but I wouldn't be goaded and in the finish I ignored her completely, saying that the reason I was not speaking to her was because she had made me angry and rather than say nasty hurtful things to her I was choosing to not say anything at all! She hated that, but in the end she apologised to me (I never to her... after all, she started it by giving out her opinion when I didn't ask for it!!) She said I was being childish in ignoring her, until I explained that I was actually being an adult and not lashing out her just because I could. She shut up then... even then I still had to retreat into my room for about 30 minutes and put some earplugs in, just so that I could have some peace and quiet and restore my sense of calm.

I'm so very nervous!

We have a woman from OFSTED coming to see us at 2pm... it's to do with looking after G. As he's only 3 I have to keep some kind of diary about his day, observing him and progress he makes, what I do with him, where we go, places I'm planning on taking him, what he eats, etc. I have no clue in how to write this daft thing, so that is the point of the visit. Apparently it also has courses that need to be attended about it (that is how complex it is, it has dedicated courses explaining the crappy thing!) Plus, we are also overdue for an inspection... so the woman will no doubt arrange for one of those, too.

Just how I'm meant to fill in a diary and also look after him at the same time, I have no clue!

That is why I said I didn't want to take on any under fives... because the sheer amount of paperwork is mad. Looks like I was right - I was hoping I was wrong  **sad face*

It's pouring with rain here... and more ramblings.

... and I'm sure I just heard a low rumble of thunder somewhere close by.

I so love the rain... the sound always calms me right down and makes me sleepy.


I now have another topic that I cannot raise around Sissy... abortion (to add to religion of any kind, her parents, asylum seekers, etc). I believe that is the woman's right to choose (even if it disagrees with the fathers choice) as it's her body... she disagrees as the potential baby is only 50% hers. I can see her point, but I still feel the woman should get to decide. I also don't think life beginning at conception, either... if the foetus couldn't survive outside the womb, then to me it's not yet a baby. Fairly controversial thinking maybe, but it's how I see it.

I was told off for using generalisations in my replies... apparently it's wrong to use them in a general conversation **sigh**

I wonder why I let myself get so wound up over things that are never going to affect me personally? I'm never having kids, so abortion is a non-issue for me. Other people's choices are their business and it's nothing to do with me, in any way... but I got so heated that my face flushed bright red (a bad sign, as it means I'm getting either angry or my latent anxiety is close to breaking forth!)

Sissy was hammering on and on, and eventually her voice just really started to grate on my ears, not to mention my nerves... she was getting more and more shrill with each word she said. I could feel myself start to "zone out" again - just like last time, and I was glad when the topic changed to something else and I was able to be quiet and not participate in the conversation anymore.

I don't know... I just find myself to be in a state of such mental confusion lately. Some of the things I've always believed seem to be sloughing away, yet I still try and keep hold of them, vice-like, as I am loathe to just let them go. Surely it's a bad thing to do? I wish I knew.

I think I had my first panic attack on Friday!

Sissy was laying into me about her view of personality disorders... saying that she feels that most people use them as an excuse to not do the things they should do, and I felt myself getting tenser and tenser until I had to pretend to be asleep in my chair in the hope she would go away!

She sat there talking to Mum and all I could think was "Go away, please, go away"... and I sat in the same position, rooted to the spot for so long that even after she left the room I couldn't move! I had to go to bed afterwards as I felt so mentally and physically drained that I couldn't even think straight, let alone do anything. I ended up crying in pure frustration at seeming to behave in such a weak way. It was kind of like being in your own body, but hearing things from very far away... like mentally cowering in a corner. Most strange, and not something that I ever want a repeat of!!

I really have to realise that I have an opinion and I have a right to air it... damn other people... and damn others for being able to affect me so badly.

One of the things I do all the time is to change my opinion to please the people around me... and I shouldn't do that. My opinion should please no one but myself, and if others don't like it, then TOUGH! But my wanting desperately for everyone to like me means I have the ability to think that the opinions and views of others are more important than my own, and they're not! When I'm around Sissy and Pingu, I can't even mention religion in passing, without them kicking off on some atheistic diatribe and discounting all of the worlds religions as nothing more than people refusing to live in the real world and trying to get "god/s" to solve all of their problems for them, or else use "god/s" as an excuse for all of the things that go wrong (or right). They constantly bring up the tired old argument of "if God is so brilliant, why does He allow suffering, and let bad things happen to good people?!" I have no idea how to counter stuff like that... or even if I want to - why should it be up to me to try and explain away their arguments when they are spat at me with such venom and arrogance? I'm not a Christian Apologetic and I have no idea of even where to start in trying to find an answer for them... but I am expected to (they fail to realise that regardless of what I say they will never understand it as they disagree, and never really understand that which they think is wrong - basically I'm damned either way  *sigh*).

How can I explain stuff that I am unsure of myself? I have no idea why there is suffering... but I do kind of understand that without it we would not be able to show empathy, compassion and understanding to other people - sometimes you really do have to have been there in order to be able to connect with others that are either going through similar things, or that have done in the past (or will do in the future). I know that all that I have suffered in my life has made me more able to comprehend other people more... I am able to use my experiences to help me understand what others are going through. Oftentimes you really do have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to truly know how they feel. Suffering brings understanding... even if at the time you don't actually realise it. That's my thoughts on it anyway... trying to get other people to understand my opinion, though... well... that's a different matter entirely  *sigh*

Sissy is home...

... and I can't wait for her to leave again!

There is a weird atmosphere in the house ever since she got back... and the prospect of her new boyfriend staying here for three days (that was sprung on us at the last minute... and they are going to be sharing her single bed!) is not making me look forward to this week at all **sigh** They have even booked into a B&B about four miles away on Wednesday, because he didn't like it when we said that they are not to have sex in her room... this is a small house, her room is next to my parents room and it's just not happening! He said that they do it his house, so why not here? The answer was a definite no!... so they are paying out £60 so they can go elsewhere! Madness!

I sometimes wonder why she bothers coming home... we rarely get to see her anyway. At the moment she's in the back room watching tv, the next time we see her will probably be bedtime, and then sometime tomorrow when she gets up!

She even asked if we were planning to be on the computers when Ross is here... why would we not be? This was a man that never even introduced himself to us, as he was shy, when he came to collect her on New Year's Eve. So far he's taken her away for all of the important days, we never saw her xmas day, or new year's day and this week was meant to be her coming home to see us, and now he's going to be here for that too!! It seems like unless he can be with her 24/7 it's not good enough :(

This week is shaping up to be total chaos... Monday - Mum has the hospital, Tuesday - Ross is arriving, Wednesday - I have to get the new car, Thursday - (currently clear), Friday - Tony is coming down from Coventry, Saturday - Lynn is coming down from Scotland, Sunday - they all go home... as well as all that we are working all week with the kids, and on Friday Josh is home from boarding school. I'm tired just thinking about it all. I would love to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there until Wednesday, get the car, come home and then go back to bed! LOL!

It sounds mean, but I really do hope that Sissy and Ross go back to Brighton on Friday as they are planning... it would be a nightmare to have them all here for the weekend, too... I just know that Sissy will not get on with Lynn and Tony, she can't see why they are coming in the first place, so to have her here (with that kind of attitude) would make the house atmosphere tense, to say the least! **sigh**

Oh dear...

... Katie has left. Her Mum rang this morning to tell us that she won't be back. I'm not sure if we are getting our months' notice or not... Katie's Mum is not the easiest person to understand, between a mixture of talking quietly, quickly and with a very heavy accent, Mum can't be sure of what she actually said.

I am relieved on one hand, as it will make my school run with the boys all the more easy... but there is the money side of things to consider, too.

Add to that the fact that Kyah might also be leaving, and the good news about the car has just been countered by the bad news received today **sigh** Nothing is definite yet, we are waiting for Kyah's Mum to come in this afternoon and tell us what is going on with her job (if she knows).

I am not going to worry about it though (my saying that is a sure sign that I am worrying, by the way... I'm just writing it down in the hope that I'll do it!!)... PMA: Positive Mental Attitude (I really should try that one day soon!)... I must admit when I worry about things I make myself utterly miserable, but I can't get rid of the butterfly feeling in my stomach, which is a sure sign that I'm nervous about it all - and probably will be until I know where I stand.

I knew things were going too well lately (there I go with them negative thoughts again! hehe)

SHIT!!!

Think my car is going wrong... again!! There is still clouds of white smoke belching out of the back whenever I drive it! It can be so bad that I can't see the road behind me (and it must be like driving in fog for those poor unfortunates behind me, and for all of the pedestrians on the pavement!) I'm surprised that I've not been stopped by the police, and I don't think I want to carry on driving it at the moment... it's so embarrassing (not to mention dreadful for the environment **sigh**). I'm seriously thinking about getting the kids on the bus, the only problem being that the buses are not coming down my road at the moment (the bottom of the road is closed, without any warning, I might add!)

I must admit that ever since I've been driving people have taken advantage of the fact that I can! We only used to go to local schools before I drove, but as soon as I passed people started to just assume they could send their kids to any school as I could go and get them in the car (even though they didn't want to pay me for going and getting them, diesel etc)

We are going to call the mechanic that my uncle recommended to us (the guy that came round last time) and see if he can find the problem... it's been said to be everything from too much oil to the piston rings wearing out (which would be as expensive as buying a new engine, which would mean getting rid of the car!)

Add to that the fact that I have a cold that is getting worse by the day (got a sore throat now and I keep losing my voice... thank the gods for Lockets, LOL!), and the kids are playing up something chronic (if I never hear the name Ben again it will be too soon!!) Also one of the Mum's came in tonight and said that her work are messing her about with her shifts (she's a Community Support Officer with the Police), and they are giving her stupid shifts like 4pm-Midnight and 2pm-10pm... she is a single Mum of three and cannot do those kinds of hours all the time as she's expected to do! Part of me is happy at the thought of Kyah going (she winds the others up and is also a compulsive liar, though she can be funny), but another part of me would miss the money, although we would find a way to live without it.

Am now watching the news... I need to see stories about people that are far worse than I am (I need to gain some perspective right about now!!)

Poor Joshie.

To all who may be reading this blog.

Could I please ask for some healing thoughts for the 15 year old severely autistic guy I look after, please? He's just been admitted to hospital with pneumonia in both lungs and somehow the doctors are going to have to get an IV line into him in order to administer the antibiotics to fight the pneumonia, which could mean they have to sedate him for the whole time

Any thoughts/energies/prayers would be greatly appreciated... his name is Joshua.

Thank you.

What a strange experience!

(long entry... sorry)


I was talking to two christians yesterday (which in this case was a bad idea) and the topic was other religions and of course the topic shifted to talk of my burning in hell for all eternity because of my refusal to accept Jesus! One poster there was only 15 and another one chimed in and the tone of their posts really upset me in the end and I got quite scared about what they were saying (mind you it was 3am, I was tired and alone and they caught me by surprise with their tag-team posting!).

Anyway... in the end I had to turn off the computer as I was getting quite panicky (never happened to me before) and I thought to myself "what if they're right and I do go to hell!" I don't even believe in the place and I was getting totally freaked out! So weird! So I close down the kitchen (lock the door, check the windows, change the cats' water, etc) and I go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. Now, normally just thinking of Selene would calm me down and make me feel better, but last night it didn't, if anything it seemed to add to my panic.

I was sat on the loo (sorry, I know, tmi!) brushing my teeth and trying to distract myself by reading a book (and failing dismally) when I heard a bird singing outside. Now that's not too strange around here, I hear birds all the time (even at 3am as we have bright lights on the motorway) but this was a bird that I'd never heard before, and as it was chirping away, a name just popped into my head "Ceridwen" and from then on I could almost hear this bird singing "Ce-rid-wen" when it was chirping. Now I've glanced briefly at the Welsh/Celtic Pantheon, but nothing more than that (the prounounciation always put me off), so why it should be the name of Ceridwen that calmed me right down and filled me with a feeling of tranquility, I have no idea, and I still don't?! I looked her up in my mythology book and the scant info I had said that she was a fertility goddess, and then mentioned about her brewing a potion of knowledge for her ugly son, but someone else drank it so she ate him and he later became the bard, Taliesin (or something like that, I was really tired by this point, and I haven't looked for more info before writing this).

After a few minutes I was feeling back to normal, and the birdsong seemed to get louder for an instant, and then it was gone... and it hasn't returned. I don't even know which bird it was, although I know what it wasn't (not crow, pigeon, magpie, starling, collared dove, blue tit or jay, as we have them on the birdtable, and I know their songs and chirps quite well). It just seemed so strange to hear a new birdsong when I was in such need of reassurance, and then once I was calm and telling myself what an idiot I was for being spooked by those people, it made me aware for an instant with an increase of volume, and then it was gone. I would know the song if I heard it again, although I cannot describe it (as I'm rubbish at doing animal impressions).

I know it's not unheard of for people to be drawn to gods from different pantheons, but I was so sure about Selene, yet today I feel nothing for her... she is just another Greek god, and I feel really sad about that... could I have been wrong about having her as my patron all along? Or was she just there to guide me into my craftwork and now her job is done and I am free to explore other things? I feel a little bereft, to tell the truth, and I don't know what to do now! If I'd been asked yesterday which god was "mine" I would have had no hesitation in answering, Selene... but ask me now and I have not a clue **sigh**

Finally Samhain

I do hope that the new year is going to better than the last one! It's not off to a very good start as I have to take my car in for its MOT at 12.30 this afternoon... dreading that, I really am, I just have a terrible feeling that it will fail! But then I think that every year, and it has only failed once in five years (last year).

I really should stop being so pessimistic about things... but then if I prepare for the worst I am rarely shocked by bad news, so maybe it's my way of protecting myself from undue harm (weird, but it seems to work for me, LOL!!)


I had a migraine yesterday, which is no doubt because of all of the subconscious stress I've been under this last week... what with not being paid, having to work when I thought I'd got a week off, worrying about the car, the interview that I was dreading and also the MOT and not being able to pay the mortgage yet (as I haven't been paid) and all in all it's not been a good week for me here (which is an understatement to say the least!!)

Anyway... I'm going to see about having a nice long sleep, and I'm hopefully not going to be getting up before about 11am in the morning... the garage is only a ten minute walk away, so takes about two minutes in the car... it's just the waiting and not knowing that bothers me... I can usually handle most things, once I know what they are, hehehe!


Finger crossed!

Not liking the sound of this... not at all!

The mum came for the interview (the one with the daughter with 'suspected' ADHD, nothing comfirmed after all... the tests are being done on her now) and she made the little girl out to be like something from hell! Apparently, the child does whatever she wants, she has no fear of any punishment (time-out, smacks, blackmail ie. be good or you won't get...), she's destructive, rude, insolent, has no respect, and never does as she's told... ever! She also doesn't respond well to praise and as soon as you praise her for doing something well or for being good, within half an hour she's doing or done something to spoil it again.

They are both coming back to see us next Wednesday at midday (as it's a school holiday)... I am dreading it, to be honest, and part of me wishes that we'd never phoned her back (LOL!)

I'm just no good with kids that don't do as they're told... probably because we've always had bigger kids that have been with us since they were babies, so it's never been an issue before. Or maybe because we are being forced by our current financial bind to take in the kids that before we would have refused... I just don't know. All I do know is that this job has become like a millstone around my neck that I am forced to bear the weight of, in order for me and my parents to have a house to live in and food on the table (not to mention be able to pay our bills!). These days I do this job as I am forced to, and certainly not because I want to! The only time I seem to be happy or feel joy is when they go home (and I'm sure that I shouldn't feel that way). Such a shame, as I used to really like doing this, and at one stage I loved it... sadly, those days are long in the past and all I have is memories.