Why I thoroughly dislike Christmas

It isn't the over commercialization of the holiday. Or the fact that shops will try and beat you into submission by taking one day and throwing it at you in a barrage that lasts for six weeks before it arrives. It is because of an event that happened the day after it occurs.

My beloved maternal grandmother died on December 26th 2006. I adored her and she had lived with my parents and me for over 23 years. It was the first time I had ever lost someone in my family that I was close to, and that I loved deeply. It had, and still has, a profound effect on me. I've been in a state of mourning since that day and I probably always will be. The regrets of all the things I didn't ask or say haunt me and part of me cannot forgive myself for not being there when she died (Mum and I were on our way to collect more clothes and toiletries when we got a call telling us to come back to the hospital as soon as possible... by the time we got back she had slipped away).

The onset of the colder months fills me with dread. The rest of the year I'm ok, I can remember and not get weepy... but the closer it gets to December the more I can feel myself tensing up somehow. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I just can't help it. Believe it or not the new year is the worst. We all used to stay up late to see it in together and a lady up the road always rings a bell to see the old year out and the new year in - Mum and I go outside to listen and when I wish Nana a happy new year I always cry, then I set Mum off and we end up hugging each other and listening to the bell, standing outside in the cold. I just can't seem to help it. It only lasts a minute or two, but losing her still hurts so much. When people say that time heals, it doesn't. Time just moves forward and carries you along with it. You can either allow it to push you forwards or you can fight it and try to cling on to the past for as long as you can... eventually it will sweep you forwards whether you like it or not. We never get over losing people... we just become more and more used to them not being there anymore :0(

As memories fade, the feelings seem to lessen as well and that allows us to cope with everyday life. But the loss is still there, it may be buried deep inside, but it is still there. Maybe not as raw, maybe not as shocking, but still there, waiting for something to trigger it off... a smell, a sound, a look, a time of year... one day it will happen and the grief washes over you again in massive choking waves of pain and heartbreak. Tears flow and nothing you can do will stop them, they have to come out or they will drown you and burst forth when you least expect them to. It makes you want to crawl into bed and squeeze yourself into a tiny ball and you wish for sleep so that for a few short hours you can forget. Upon waking you have a few seconds of exquisite happiness when you are not awake enough to remember... but then you do, and sorrow smashes down upon you like a ton weight and you drag yourself out of bed and try and face the day with a brain full of sadness and a heart full of misery.

I still cling to the few precious things I have that belong to Nana. I cannot let them go as then my final grasp on the physical her will be gone as well. I need them to remind me of happy times; reading her recipes and remembering her baking a cake, seeing her handwriting and recalling watching her write cards and notes to people she loved, wearing her jewellery and feeling as if I have a small piece of her against my skin. I had to dispose of her perfume as it just triggered too much, too often... I was inundated with memories from just one sniff, it was unbearable. I smelled it the other day, whilst packing up the weekly shop in a crowded supermarket and I was momentarily unable to move as I thought she was there, mad I know, but for a nanosecond I had hope that she was, even though I knew she wasn't.

Sometimes I have to marvel that I haven't gone insane. I wonder why I am not in a mental health unit when just typing this entry has me sat here with tears blinding me and loss threatening to overwhelm me again. Maybe it is because I cannot allow it to do that, I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. My needs must be tempered by the fact they rely on me... if I fall apart who will be there for them then? I have to suck it up and only allow myself to let it out when everyone else is asleep... then I can put my needs first and just cry. Just release the pressure once in a while and allow myself to be sad and let my heart break again. Then I can fall into a hopefully restful sleep and maybe by morning my heart will have reassembled itself back together again... not perfect (like a broken vase, mended with glue, is never really the same as it was before it shattered) but passable to any but the most in depth of inspections.

All of this creeps towards me the nearer December comes.

That is why I dislike Christmas.

I've changed the background to something bright and cheerful...

... because I'm sick and tired of winter now. I'm fed up of being cold and I'm bored of grey skies and dreadful weather! Roll on spring, I say (and I don't like warmer weather in the main, but I'm a bit disheartened with it being so bleak and miserable all the time).

I quite like tulips, they aren't my favourite flower, but I love the myriad colours they come in and they certainly do have a knack of cheering up dullness.

I've finally got the results from the doctor. Turns out I have a severe vitamin D deficiency. I'm now on a super strength supplement tablet (which is vile, by the way... note to companies making these things - if a tablet has to be either sucked or chewed you could at least make it taste pleasant... is that too much to ask?) I've only taken two so far as they are one a day, so I haven't noticed any change yet as it's too early. I just hope that they work... I don't know what happens if I still feel like crap in a few months time. What if the vit D thing is just something they found and not the cause of the aches and pains I'm suffering from? I guess I shall have to cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

I wish that sciatica was as quick to abate as it is to arrive... it can take seconds for it to appear and you're in agony for days/weeks until it decides to pack it's painful bags and sod off again! Mine seems to have come to stay for longer than the weekend, though. I hope it's not going to be visiting for much longer... I've been in bed for two days and already I feel like I'm going mad lol. Unlike last time it is mainly in my left leg so sitting isn't too bad, it's walking and bending that leaves me gasping for air. As I can sit down I've been trying to get some writing done.

I like writing, when I'm in the mood (which isn't very often as my concentration span is minute at the moment... pain does that to me) - but I found a book I started writing almost two years ago. It's set in London during the Blitz and it follows the life and struggles of a young woman called Tilly. I'm thinking of making her under twenty, that way she won't be conscripted into war work and I can develop her character more fully. Of course she'll volunteer for something, probably the WVS as I have first hand diary accounts of that branch of the voluntary services I can draw information from. I had only written a basic 'chapter one' before I put it down the first time (yeah, I'm easily distracted!)
  I'm unsure as to how long the piece should be, a full novel, novella or short story? I'm leaning towards novella and see how I go... it can be edited down or padded out to become either of the others if I find the story grows or I run out of ideas hahaha. I like to keep my options open.
  Normally I write poetry... mostly short and they have to rhyme. I don't like poetry that doesn't rhyme, it makes no sense to me, it doesn't 'flow'. I'm not a natural novelist, and I envy those people that seem to have hundreds of pages of stuff floating about in their brains. Part of my problem is that I'm impatient to get it all written down... so many times I have good things in my head and by the time I come to write them down they have disappeared, never to return! So frustrating to me, and I begin to lose heart, and interest, so I just stop. I also struggle in being descriptive, of conveying the pictures I have in my head down for others to read about and absorb.
  Apart from poems I have only ever completed one novella, in my life. A murder mystery, all written in long hand, and probably not very good... but at least I can say I have written one book lol.

Anyway, it's late and my painkillers are starting to work so I should try and sleep. I've had a bad few nights as I just get comfy and something spasms in my back or legs and I wake up again. Not helpful, not at all *sigh*

Today I feel...

... well, honestly, I don't really know how I feel. Part of me doesn't really feel anything much at all, and another part of me feels tired and another part feels kind of "numb" somehow and another part of me just feels like crying... it's hard to explain really.

I probably shouldn't have watched "Living with the Amish" last night... although I love the show it always seems to leave me in a deep funk the next day. Maybe because I kind of envy their simple yet rewarding lives, I also envy their sheer depth of faith and their strong work ethic... I'm such a lazy person, if I can do tomorrow what should be done today then I will without hesitation :o(

I wonder if my constantly feeling tired is the cause - regardless of when I go to sleep or how much I have I just always feel tired. I never feel refreshed when I wake and usually feel worse than when I went to sleep! I've had tests run by the doctor and they came back saying nothing was wrong... yet I certainly don't feel right. But I don't know what to do about it. I swear that Sissy and Pingu just think I'm doing it for attention and they seem to react every time I mention how I feel as if I'm just a huge hypochondriac! So these days it is yet another topic of conversation I avoid when they are around.

I seem to spend my days in pain, very tired or in a bad mood... and I can become intensely irritated in less time than it takes to blink! I just feel as if I'm losing myself somehow, like I'm here but not completely here. I can't really put it into words, but it leaves me feeling sort of hollow.

Thankfully it's Friday... I don't think I could have stood another day doing a job I loathe for people that don't appreciate anything I do!

I had sad news over the weekend...

... I found out one of my online friends, Koko, had died. I'd known her for years, but had lost contact with her a couple of years ago. I was searching for her for a friend and I found a newspaper article from her local paper saying that she had died (she tried to stop two horses from fighting, was  kicked and died instantly).

I told all of the people that I knew (that also knew her) and one of them confirmed it was indeed my friend. She was only 46 years old and left behind a husband and daughter (that I think is now in her early twenties). So sad.

I did manage to light a candle, and later, when I caught sight of the moon, I asked Selene to take care of Koko and let her have a peaceful rest in the Summerlands before she returns to us. For some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do.


In other news...

I have more or less given up on the dating sites, all I end up doing is chatting to people I don't really want to talk to (but I'm too polite to ignore messages lol). Only one guy is still sending me messages and I really wish he'd stop, but I don't have the heart to tell him so.

I've not been well recently, and I have no idea just what is wrong. I feel dizzy, light-headed and when I took my blood pressure the other day it was 115/61 (the average reading should be 120/80) so it's quite low. I just wish I could stop my stomach from hurting, it's really beginning to annoy me  *sigh* I just feel constantly as if someone has punched/kicked me in the stomach and it's getting really old now!

The rioting seems to have ended as abruptly as it began, and hopefully all those arrested for looting and criminal damage will be harshly dealt with by the justice system. I have no time for people that go out of their way to cause misery to others because of their own selfishness!

I am so very fucked off right about now!!

How dare people go out of their way to make another person feel like shit... just how fucking DARE THEY!!! Who the fuck do they think they are?!?! To keep stringing people along, making them wait, keeping them dangling like a long forgotten puppet. People make mistakes, people fuck up, show me someone that has never fucked up something and I'll show you a damned LIAR!!

Trust gets broken, fair enough, keep your distance... but do NOT keep people waiting and waiting for the day you say will eventually come when you feel about them in the same way as before your trust was broken. IT.WILL.NEVER.HAPPEN!!

What makes it all the sadder is that this isn't real life, where trust and hearts have been broken face-to-face, this is online... on the internet... one step removed from reality. How this can be as bad as real life trust breaking, well, that one is beyond my comprehension. People can be whoever the hell they want to be online... in my time I've pretended up a storm, and sometimes I still do, to have the life that I dream of, I can only do that online.

Do I give a shit what other people think about my doing that? Fuck no! It's no-one else's damn business.

But when someone is genuinely asking for your forgiveness, for something they did months ago (and which seems trivial to most other people outside of your little protective clique) who is at fault there? The person trying to make amends or the person not allowing them to do so? So someone may call you names and sound a bit jealous/threatening... get the fuck over it already! If they lived just down the street to you then I say be a little wary, but when they live on a different CONTINENT to you, then what the hell is wrong with YOU for being such a moron and cowering like some beaten dog?! WTF is wrong there?


Shall I carry on and piss off some Xtians? Why the fuck not, this is my tiny corner of the web and I can say what the fuck I like here... hold tight, here we go.


Do what the red words say or don't call yourself a CHRISTian!! His words and deeds should be the blueprint for your life or you're doing it wrong! It's not about the rules and regulations in the Old Testament... they were written for the Jews... the only words you need to be concerned with are the ones uttered by the Son of God... no one else's words mean a thing... Jesus is it... do as He says or fuck off!

If you are treating others as you would like to be treated yourself then you will not be breaking any commandments... it's really simple... Love God, and everyone else, too. Six words... and they are the hardest words to live by... but if you use the name CHRISTian, then follow His example and do as He says. If you don't then you are a liar and you are not a real CHRISTian... simple really!

I don't care what a book says about "end times" and "heaven and hell" if you are treating people as Christ commanded then it will not matter... the "end times" is the future and we don't live in the future, we live in the present... and "heaven and hell" are also not to be worried about... why worry? If you are "following the red words" then it's covered!

Would you like to be treated like shit, be talked down to, be made to feel less then something on the bottom of someone's shoe? Then don't make others feel like it!! If in doubt just remember What Would Jesus Do? If He wouldn't treat people they way you are treating them now, then you have a problem!!

If you expect people to forgive your sins, then you also have to forgive other people theirs! Hypocrisy is a dirty word... ask yourself, honestly, "am I a hypocrite?" "do I say one thing, yet do something completely different?"


And on that note I think I'll stop.

What a pile of SHIT!!

After sitting in my front room and having a woman drone on and on about having to complete mountains of paperwork, she's finally gone... over two hours later!

I hate this job...it's utterly fucking dumb - now! I am going to have to go on an eight week course, starting in November, and because I need a first aid course, and the only one available is in the starting childminding course, I (and Mum) have to do the entire course, from the beginning! How fucking insulting is that?!?! I need to go on a course TO TELL ME HOW TO DO A JOB I'VE BEEN DOING FOR OVER 17 YEARS!! Eight Saturdays in a row - how fucking splendid!!!!!

The gist of it is, everything the child does, learns, new things they say... every facet of their daily life now has to be recorded and written in a diary so that OFSTED can see what you've been doing! Weekly time logs have to be signed by the parents... risk assessments have to be carried out on any journey you may be planning (which involves doing dry runs and seeing where any trouble may lurk!) - bang goes the visit to the farm I was planning for tomorrow. We should even be doing a monthly fire drill! The kids are in the room nearest the front door! How the hell would a three year old understand a fire drill?! We can't even take pictures of the kids with mobile phones, because they are not secure and the pictures could be found by paedophiles. WTF?!?! Even to have the kids own Dad be able to pick them up we have to get written consent from their Mum (because they are separated). She even suggested a visitor's book to log everyone that comes into the house... but we don't get any visitors.

I'm more pissed off at being told I have to go on a food safety and hygiene course... I've been cooking for almost 20 years and no one has EVER been ill from anything I have ever prepared. How insulting, demeaning and degrading is that going to be?!

I so wish I could do something else... anything else... if I could quit, I would. I don't think I can do this shit anymore. They are making it so demoralising that I don't want to.

I now have two inches of paperwork I have to read and "implement"... I even have to get a Criminal Record check done on a friend that is coming to stay with us in October, because he will be in the house at the same time as the children - he'll be here a week and won't even be around the kids.

Never before have I wished I could do something else. I have nothing to fall back on, though, nothing else I can go and get a job in. I'd rather clean toilets than do this job, now.

I'm equal parts furious, pissed off, sad and utterly drained. Plus I'm crying out of sheer temper and frustration.

What a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year it will be!

I've never heard such a load of bollocks in all my life... all this since Baby P and Victoria Climbie... only problem being is that they were killed by their own family, not their childcare! Maybe if parents were subject to half of the stuff that I have to do now, it will help more kids. Shame that will never happen, though.